1. Impatience. Chances are you won't find love on your first date. You probably won't find it in your first month, or even your first year of dating after your divorce. If you're serious about finding love again and you're doing everything possible to change ineffective dating patterns, it's important to be patient. You can only control what you can control (taking responsibility for your actions and your emotions). The rest is out of your control. So stay proactive and be patient. Impatience comes across as neediness, and that can be a love repellant. Good things come to those who have a great attitude and let go of love coming in one specific package. Your partner might show up in a way that surprises you. So, be open and patient.



2. Egotism. It seems pretty evident; if you are selfish, how can you be in a relationship with anyone other than yourself? If it's all about you and your ego, your date will move on. Enough said.



3. Self-absorption. You can be self-absorbed without being totally selfish. Whether it's from insecurity or nervousness on a first date, work on increasing your self-esteem. If you talk incessantly about yourself on a date and don't listen well or ask enough questions, you will turn off your date and ruin your chance for a second date. Learn to listen. Your date will think you're the best conversationalist.



4. Lying. Character matters more than almost anything else in a relationship. Don't lie. Period. Not about your age, weight, or anything else big or small. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose. That doesn't mean you get to disclose all of your deep secrets on a first or second date either. Keep the darker stuff to yourself until you're in a relationship. Your date doesn't want to hear about your bladder surgery until he/she likes you enough to care about all aspects of you.



5. Inconsistency. People pick up on inconsistencies. If your words and actions don't line up, your date won't trust you. This isn't about lying as much as being irregular in your behaviors. For example, you say you're a hopeless romantic, and you forget her birthday. You say you'll call on Monday and you don't. When you follow through, you build trust.



6. Anger. Are you bringing anger and bitterness to a first phone call or first date? I'm talking about anger at your ex or your boss. When you bring this type of anger to the date, especially before you even know the other person well, the message is, "I'm a victim". That's a turnoff. I'm not saying that anger shouldn't be expressed at all. Once you're in a relationship and you become angry at your partner, it's important to express it in a grown up, loving manner. I will discuss how to express anger and hurt in a future article.



7. Envy. Jealousy is ugly. Maybe you're jealous of an ex moving on, or you envy a friend who seems to have better luck in dating and earns more money than you. Instead of focusing your energy on begrudging how well they're doing, let other's successes inspire you to try harder. Don't bring that green monster of jealousy to your date. It's a total turnoff.

Don't talk about sex. Not on the first phone call or the first date. Confident, self-respecting women don't want to be objectified. It's not that women are not interested in sex. Quite the contrary -- most of us love sex! But don't talk about your sexual conquests with us on a first date. Please take time to get to know us. Like us for our intelligence, warmth, kindness, creativity and wit. Do show us that you're physically attracted to us, but don't make it the primary focus of why you're into us. When you ease into the physical relationship, most of us respond better.

Dear Sandy,

I don't talk about sex, and I do make an effort to show a woman on a date that I appreciate and like her intellect, wit, etc. But what I don't do now or never know how to do is this: I typically do not comment on a woman's appearance or offer compliments even if I think she's a knockout. It's been a policy of mine to avoid making ANY comment along those lines, thinking that women hear stuff like that from guys all the time on first dates and that it might seem like a "line," or a come-on, or insincere. When I do express my attraction to and appreciation of a woman's beauty, I want it to be meaningful to her and myself.

So, I don't know how to show I'm physically attracted to a woman in a sincere, simple way on a first date, or other initial points of connection. I kind of see it in black-and-white terms. Maybe I'm just inept at it, so I avoid doing it all. I think my approach is working against me. A lot of my first dates-from online services-end up going on long with incredible discussions, but end up not feeling like romance is in the air, even if do feel attraction and a spark.

How about an article for guys about the appropriate, sincere, meaningful, simple ways to show a woman we're physically attracted to her on first dates or other initial points of connection? It seems like decent guys can do it in ways that are awkward for the woman, not well-received, inept, off-putting, poorly-worded, etc. that end up being counter-productive.

I need the advice, and I'm sure there are plenty of guys like me. Women would benefit from guys handling this better, and maybe there'd be more successful first dates for everyone as a result.

Thanks,

Jay

1. Don't talk about sex. Not on the first phone call or the first date. Confident, self-respecting women don't want to be objectified. It's not that women are not interested in sex. Quite the contrary -- most of us love sex! But don't talk about your sexual conquests with us on a first date. Please take time to get to know us. Like us for our intelligence, warmth, kindness, creativity and wit. Do show us that you're physically attracted to us, but don't make it the primary focus of why you're into us. When you ease into the physical relationship, most of us respond better.



2. Don't be negative. Please don't talk about what sucks in your life. We're sorry that you lost your job. We understand that your kids are driving you crazy. We feel bad that you don't have much of an appetite since your wife left you. You've lost weight. You've gained weight. You're in debt. You have kidney stones or irritable bowel syndrome. Listen up: we all have "stuff" that frustrates or overwhelms us. There is a time and place to share the big stuff of our lives; the first date is not it. We don't know you well enough yet. It feels overwhelming and inappropriate to us. If we end up in a relationship with you, by all means, share it all with us. We'll care about you and want to support you then. But this is only the first date, so please stay positive.



3. Don't discuss your ex. Your relationship with your ex was terrible. She threw you out of the house. You were blindsided. She took all your money. She has full custody of your kids. We get it, divorce is hard, and sometimes the ex has done very hurtful things. But we don't want to hear about it -- not on a first date or a first phone call. Maybe later. We want to talk about what's going on for you now. What are your dreams? Your passions? Stay in the present, and we'll both enjoy the date much more.



4. Don't be rude. If you're unkind to the waiter, doorman, toll collector, or any other person you come in contact with on that first date, we will judge you as unkind. We want to be in a relationship with someone who is considerate, compassionate and warm. Go out of your way to be nice, and chances are, you'll get that second date.

1. When you express your needs, he gets defensive. A narcissist puts his own needs first. He doesn't care about what matters to you, and will defend himself instead of apologizing. Address it the first time this happens and see how he responds. If he can't respect and honor your needs, walk away.



2. When the going gets tough, he gets going. A narcissist can't handle the pressures of your emotional life. He will be there for the fun times, but as soon as you have any type of personal crisis, he won't be there to support you. A good relationship is built on mutual support. This guy will not be there for you in tough times. Leave now, before it gets harder.



3. When he's hurt, he doesn't feel sad. He feels rage. If you express that you're upset with something he said or did, he will rage at you and deflect responsibility for his actions. A healthy relationship is one in which both parties feel safe, can express their needs without judgment, and take full responsibility for their contribution to the problem. If he can't do this, you should not stay with him.



4. He runs hot and cold. Narcissists will give you mixed signals. He'll be really into you, telling you that you're the most incredible woman he's ever met, and the next day, he is pulling away, acting aloof. It is crazy making. If you see these signs early on, it'll be easier for you to make a clean break.



5. He gets angry when you discuss exclusivity. Narcissists are often enamored with their freedom. If you talk to him about commitment after you've been dating for a few months, he will probably feel like a caged bird and blame you for wanting to box him in. In a healthy relationship, if one person is not ready to be exclusive, you can talk about it in a respectful way. You both get to choose whether it makes sense to stay or go. If a man is not on the same page as you in terms of monogamy, leave him to make room for one who wants an exclusive relationship.



6. His actions and words don't match. Pay attention to what he does more than what he says. Many narcissists are wordsmiths. They lure you in with their charming words, but they don't follow through with their actions. If it's too good to be true, it usually is.

• Don't make demands on him to change. He won't.



• Don't nag him or play games with him, such as making him chase you by playing hard to get. These tactics will never get him to be the kind of guy with whom you can forge a healthy relationship.



• Do speak to him with firm conviction. Tell him that this relationship is not working for you.



• And this is crucial: walk away, never to look back and hope for reconciliation.

1. He understands that his behavior is inappropriate and abusive.


2. He doesn't cast blame for his behavior onto his girlfriend, parents, teachers, or anyone else.


3. He takes full responsibility for his abusive behavior.


4. He has a desire to change. He's not just doing it to stay out of trouble at school or with the law or because his girlfriend nagged him to do so.


5. He follows up his stated desire to change with concrete actions. LOVE IS A BEHAVIOR!!


6. His new actions are continuous, not just for the moment. Most abusers apologize for their bad behavior and tell their girlfriend it will never happen again. Often, they are contrite for only a few days.

"We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them -- we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare."

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