Shasta Nelson, M.Div.2013-06-19T19:14:30-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=shasta-nelson-mdivCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Shasta Nelson, M.Div.Good old fashioned elbow grease.Is 'Get Rid of Negative People' Good Advice?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.33486672013-05-31T07:37:50-04:002013-05-31T07:40:04-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/Please note: This post isn't intended to speak about the cases that include mental disorders, criminals, drug abusers, or those who willfully are hurting us. The intention of the post is to speak to the vast majority of relationships we are walking away from, without conversation or efforts to enforce our boundaries, because we write them off simply as being "negative."
This is a two-part series, in my next one I'll talk about how to approach friendships we feel are unhealthy, but I want to write this prerequisite post to help clarify the difference between the roles of friends in our lives versus others with whom we're called to still live beside in the same world.
There is something in my soul that stirs with a dis-ease every time I hear some form of the increasingly popular advice: "Only surround yourself with positive people. Get rid of negative people!"
Good Advice? "Only Surround Yourself with Positive People."
It can be found in little cute quote boxes shared everywhere on Facebook saying things like "People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick wisely." It's advice that is freely given from self-help experts with little explanation other than what sounds like a command, "If their presence can't add value to your life, then their absence will make no difference." It comes in many well-intending forms, all with the goal of making us better people: "Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."
We've actually been hearing this barrage for so long now that I suspect most of us just accept these quotables as irrevocable truth. But these single-sentence aphorisms can be misleading at best, damaging at worst.
Needy People in Our Lives
The question isn't whether we let needy or depressed people into our lives. The question is how much do we let them in, and for what purpose.
The truth is that we have to learn to be around hurting people -- not only because it's unrealistic that we can avoid them, but how else will we serve this world with what we each have to offer? We can, and must, be around people who judge, whine, attack, and defend. We're related to some of them, we work for some of them, and sometimes we have been or are those people. The more important issue is whether we're counting on these individuals to be our closest friends.
Our friends -- the handful of people we choose to let close to our hearts -- must fulfill the four requirements of friendship by being, more often than not, a) consistent b) contributing c) self-revealing, and d) positive. You clarify those quotes above with the words "closest friends" instead of "people" and I won't squirm. (Or at least not as much... truthfully, even our friends can't always be all those things without there being misunderstandings and hurt feelings at times. But I'm okay with us striving toward those qualities with our inner circle.)
But before we evaluate our friendships in the next post, let us own what is ours to own: We are not victims to other people's pain. We are healers. Ultimately it's around hurting people who we're meant to be around, each of us giving the gift that is ours to give to those who need it.
This isn't a world made up of friends and enemies, rather it's a world of friends and people to be friendly toward. Enemies must be crushed and eliminated, whereas hurting, jealous, toxic, unhealthy people must be loved and healed. Just because someone isn't our closest friend doesn't mean they don't have value in our lives.
To be clear, we don't have to be close to them; in fact, we should be very mindful and intentional about who we pull into our lives in a close and trusting relationship. But if we know our boundaries, feel we have extra love and energy to give, and are sure that we can show up in a healing way, then certainly that is an option more of us can consider.
Elimination Is Not Always Necessary
To suggest that I can't be around anyone who isn't at their best because it will bring me down glosses over my own strength. Any of us who have been pastors, social workers, therapists, or in any other people-helping industries can attest to the fact that as long as we are practicing our own self-care, have our own support system in place, and are clear about our role in the lives of people who are hurting, then our positive influence can be greater in their lives than their pain will be in ours. Light is more powerful than darkness. And hurt people need love and light.
The answer isn't just to eliminate and ostracize hurting people, the answer is to learn how to shine our lights so brightly that we can enter any darkness and know that our light cannot be extinguished.
And not just that our light can survive, but actually that our light gets stronger and more compassionate and more life-transforming as we show up in genuine moments with others, no matter what condition they are in. We are blessed and grown in those moments just as much as they are.
We do not become the people who this world needs simply by turning our backs on anyone we don't like, trust, or deem healthy enough to be in our presence. No, in fact, those are exactly the people we need to let into our lives. Not just for their sake, but for ours. To serve others is what we're called to do in this world -- your calling centers around it. To learn how to forgive is the greatest lesson any of us can ever hope to learn (which means we will need to practice it a number of times). To sit with someone in pain increases our ability to empathize, which increases our ability to trust and love, which is ultimately what you want: more love.
If your light is dim or flickering, then perhaps you may need to set some boundaries and limit time with people who you feel can't support the happier and more powerful version of yourself; but that's temporary, and something to own in yourself rather than blame in others.
Re-Defining the Good Advice
Here's how I re-interpret these ever-popular quotes to put the responsibility on me, rather than the blame on others.
"People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick wisely." I am not picking people, rather I am picking my response. I get to decide whether I am inspired or drained. I can be around someone who is shining and walk away drained by jealousy, or I can sit with someone who is chronically depressed and walk away inspired and grateful. My power doesn't mean I get to pick who's valuable, it means I get to pick whether I'm able to see the value in everyone.
"If their presence can't add value to your life, then their absence will make no difference." This is such a dangerous quote. Taken to the extreme, wars are fought, holocausts are allowed, and racism and classism are justified. No, if their presence doesn't add value to your life, it's either because you haven't taken the time to get to know them yet or you haven't yet seen who you can become because of them. It is not because they are without value.
"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher." In the closest circle of your life, I agree that this is a good ideal. We want to create relationships that nurture, uplift, empower, and love each other well. But even this has its limits -- because it's not others who end up deciding whether we lift higher or not, it's our call. Sometimes it's the person who wounded us the deepest that pushes us to grow and lift. The universe can use anyone and everyone to help us become our best selves.
This was a hard post to write -- so many caveats I want to give, possible misunderstandings I want to avoid. I end it with a prayer that these words will land where hearts are receptive and ready to see just how powerful we are, how others cannot limit us, and how much the world, as needy as it is, needs us to not turn our backs. For what's the point of getting healthy if not to turn around and love others to their best as well?
My next blog will be about what to do when our friendships aren't living up to all four of the required qualities in a friendship and how to make decisions about the best approach to either healing them or limiting them in our lives. Subscribe in the upper right corner here. And my book, Friendships Don't Just Happen!, talks in length about the four requirements for friendship and how to respond to the five friendship threats including judgment and jealousy.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.]]>Moms: Please Model the Friendships You Wish for Your Kidstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.25075332013-01-22T18:43:00-05:002013-03-24T05:12:02-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
I encourage them to go back through all their memories to see what was spoken or modeled to them -- do they have memories of mom going out for girls nights? What did their moms say or imply about female friendships? (Worth it? Not trustworthy?) Do they remember seeing their mom gab on the phone with girlfriends in the evenings? Did their mom have friends over frequently?
And while this isn't scientific polling, I'd estimate that seven out of 10 women ended up confiding in me that they were shocked that they couldn't remember if their mothers even had close friends.
It was a rare woman who said that her mother had what she'd call healthy friendships, the kind of community she wants to replicate in her own life. I've had only a handful of women say to me, "I had great modeling."
Unfortunately, most of the women have this ah-ha that says, "Oh, this may speak to why this is so hard for me... I never had healthy friendships modeled to me."
Now, I want to give the benefit of the doubt to most of those mothers and hope that their daughters who I'm working with in my programs simply don't remember. I want to believe that their mothers really did have meaningful friendships that mattered to them. But it still raises the question about modeling. If your child didn't see it, they didn't pick it up. If it all happened when they were really young, they won't remember it.
If we don't have it modeled to us, then how are we supposed to learn it? We certainly aren't taught any classes in school. We end up just thinking we're supposed to just naturally be good at female friendship -- instinctively knowing the different types of friends, what healthy expectations look like, how to transition relationships through various life changes, how to foster them through the five stages and how to ask for what we need -- while rarely having our teachers or mothers explain to us what's normal, healthy and meaningful.
More than wanting our kids to have healthy friendships, we have to show them that it's a priority in our lives. We have to kiss them good-bye in the early evening and say, "Tonight is when I get to go be with my friends -- see you in the morning." And we can't just do it once.
I think of my friend Daneen who leaves her daughter every Tuesday evening for girls night -- her daughter knew that mommy was playing with her friends and that she was going to have a special night with Daddy.
I think of my sister, who, with her best friend, gets their families together all the time -- not for the sake of the kids, but for the sake of the moms.
I think of my own step-mom who left me with memories as a little girl of her going shopping on Sunday afternoons with her girlfriends.
I think of the time I walked down the stairs late one night to see my mom and her friend Ellen eating a whole pot of tapioca pudding and giggling -- to this day it's one of my favorite memories.
I think of the women in my girls group -- Val, Karen, and J'leen -- who, every spring, tell their kids that they are going away for a girls weekend with their girlfriends, and then leave their kids with spouses, parents or friends.
Hard to do? Absolutely. Important, though? Absolutely.
My invitation to you is not an easy one. But, I implore you to picture the friendships you want your kids to have when they are adults. And model that to them now. There is simply nothing more powerful than modeling -- you are the most influential person in their lives, you showing them how important those relationships are will serve them their entire life.
And the good news? It's not just for their benefit that you are prioritizing time with friends. The gains will be worth the time and energy.
This video is the last in a five-part series on "The 3 Challenges Mothers Face in Friendship" -- the links to all previous two to three-minute long videos can be found here.]]>Making New Year's Resolutions Based on Lovetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23724142012-12-28T09:31:00-05:002013-02-27T05:12:02-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
I want my New Year to be birthed from a really divine place. I want my hopes to feel magical. I want my dreams to feel in alignment with my work in this world. I want my resolutions to change more in this world than a few pounds off my body. I want my goals to not just feel like an obligatory to-do list or a re-hash of last years failed attempts.
Whatever belief system you have in place and whatever word you use for that which is bigger than us -- I hope you'll take the time to bring the true spirit of Hanukkah and Christmas into your New Year.
Who We Want to Be In 2013
Jim Wallis, the president and CEO of Sojourners and author of forthcoming book, On God's Side: What Religion Forgets and Politics Hasn't Learned about Serving the Common Good, sent out a newsletter this morning that speaks to this point. He spent the first part of 2012 researching and writing this book about the common good and how we seem to have lost this concept in our politics and our society.
He says, "What I learned in the course of writing was how ancient the concept of the common good really is." This quote dates back to the fourth century:
"This is the rule of most perfect Christianity, its most exact definition, its highest point, namely, the seeking of the common good ... for nothing can so make a person an imitator of Christ as caring for neighbors." -- John Chrysostom (ca. 347-407)
My roots are in Christianity, but yours doesn't need to be in order for that quote to still matter. In fact, some of the most beautiful "imitators of Christ" are the atheists, agnostics, other-religious, and non-religious people I know.
For no matter the religion we do or don't subscribe to, what most of us still quote would be what we call the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
In other words: Work toward the common good. Care about those around you. Love.
Setting Our New Year Intentions
So as I sit with that this morning, I want the seeds of my New Year's resolutions to come from that place of the common good. Therefore the question I need to be asking myself isn't only "How can I improve my life this year?" but also, "How can improving my life this year serve more people?"
Some of the questions I'm asking myself:
Am I as loving as I want to be?
Am I acting with as much courage as I am meant to have?
Am I becoming a more generous person each year?
Am I growing in my own self-awareness so that I am taking more responsibility for my triggers, my responses, and my defensiveness?
Am I living more often from a place of joy?
Am I growing in my compassion and empathy for those around me?
Am I seeing emotional growth in my life that excites me?
For many of those questions, I find myself pausing, unsure if I can unequivocally say yes. When I notice that pause, I am then asking, "What could I do in 2013 to become this more loving, courageous, and centered person that I want to be?"
Doesn't that feel so much more significant than beating ourselves up about our body weight, our spending habits, or any other number of actions that produce our immediate guilt? And don't we think that by focusing truly on who we want to become -- people with more joy, peace, patience, and courage -- that we'll find our other habits changing to align with what is now more true for ourselves? I think so.
So rather than encouraging you to add "Make three new friends this year" or "Call one long-distance friend each week" to your New Year's list, I'm instead inviting you to start from a deep and quiet place to ask yourself: "What quality can I grow that will help me love others better?" Who do you want to be? How do you want to expand?
Then whisper a prayer that expands that in you: "I'm willing to become a more loving, forgiving, generous, kind, centered, hopeful, and patient person."
Choose to be one more person in this world who cares about the common good, who doesn't vote only on self-interest, and who chooses to live from love instead of fear. And from that place of wanting to grow into a more loving person, trust that your love will pull more people in to give it back to you.
Your love will not produce an empty vacuum, but rather will create a circle of love surrounding you with more meaningful relationships, life purpose, and consequential joy. For love begets love. Love drives out fear. Love invites greater love. Love changes us. Love changes the world.
And that is what I call the greater good. Happy New Year!
Shasta Nelson blogs weekly at ShastasFriendshipBlog and has a new book coming out titled "Friendships Don't Just Happen which can be pre-ordered now.]]>Making Friends Takes a Lot of Energy. Is It Worth It?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.20026732012-12-03T13:35:57-05:002013-02-02T05:12:01-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
You know the risks. You know the difficulty. You know the challenges. You know the excuses to say "no" and give up. You know how weary you feel. Give me a moment to remind you what you're investing in!
Energy Output: The Investment Can Be Exhausting
It's a paradox that the actions that take energy also tend to reward us with the most energy. In many life moments, higher investments lead to higher payoffs.
I mean, the very act of going to the gym is tiring for the vast majority of us, but the payoff is, ironically, more energy. Most of us don't sit at work feeling fulfilled by the daily tasks and mountains of emails, but the sum total of that output seems to create a sense of achievement and meaning. I know just on a recreation level that it would be easier and more comfortable to sit on my couch tonight watching TV, but that if I attend to my women's business group, I'll actually come home more rejuvenated than any show could provide. I've learned that most things in life aren't the easiest default option, but they do tend to be worth the investment. And friendship is simply one of those things -- less meaningful in the beginning and a greater source of energy output, but the payoff is exponential.
Energy Input: The Payoff Can Be Exponential
Gallup research discussed in the bookWellbeing: The Five Essential Elements shows that there are five universal, interconnected elements that together reveal your overall well-being. Apparently, liking what you do every day (career wellbeing) is the most significant factor to your overall health and happiness, but guess what number two is? Yep, social wellbeing, also known as "Do you like who you're doing life with?"
While you have undoubtedly heard me quote all kinds of research about how important your circle of friends is to your life, the research just continues to inspire!
You're influenced by your entire network. Our wellbeing is impacted by our entire social network. Per research by Harvard, you are 6 percent more likely to be happy if your friend's friend's friend -- count them, three degrees removed! -- is happy. The reverse is just as true.
Friends impact more than money. Compare the above 6 percent increase to the 2 percent increase in happiness if your annual income goes up $10,000! "This led the study's authors (Nicholas Cristakis and James Fowler) to conclude that that the wellbeing of friends and relatives is a more effective predictor of happiness than earning more money."
Your health may be at stake. People with few social connections are at twice the risk of dying from heart disease or of catching a common cold (even though they're arguably exposed to fewer germs!).
Proximity matters. A friend who lives within a mile will have a way more positive influence than friends across the country. This is not only true when it comes to our happiness and mood, but also on our ability to recover from strokes and surgeries. (This is why GirlFriendCircles.com -- the friendship matching site I founded -- advocates making local friends even though it's not as easy as picking up the phone to talk to your BFF in your hometown! It's worth it!)
Friendships are especially important in aging well.One study showed that in adults over the age of 50, subjects' memories declined at half the rate if they were socially active compared to those who were least social.
You need more than one BFF! Every additional close friendship adds to your wellbeing. "Our research has found that people who have at least three or four very close friendships are healthier, have higher wellbeing, and are more engaged in their jobs, " says Tom Rath, the co-author of Wellbeing, about his research published inVital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without.
The more time invested, the happier you are.The data shows that to have a maximally thriving day in terms of happiness, you need six hours of daily social time! Six hours?! That surprised even me! Apparently, regardless of personality types and other variables, those who are thriving in life are reporting an average of six hours every day of connecting, which can include talking to friends, socializing at work, being on the phone, communicating on Facebook, etc. Across the board, every hour of social connection added to your day reportedly increases your happiness almost 10 percent! (Isn't it ironic how easy it is to cancel on a friend when we've a bad day or skip out on socializing when we're depressed, when in actuality, that very act of connecting will raise our spirits?)
I know it's tiring, I know. I know it's discouraging at times, I know.
But I also know that this is one investment that promises the biggest pay-off to your overall happiness and health. No small thing!
May you be reminded that your willingness to engage, to meet new people, to initiate the next get-together, to schedule women into your life and to foster these friendships over time is proving to raise your wellbeing! And don't we all want that?
All research listed in this blog can be found in the chapter on social wellbeing in Gallup's book, Wellbeing: The Five Essential Elements by Tom Rath & Jim Harter. Purchasing their book provides a code for your access to take their Wellbeing Assessment.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.]]>Facebook Is Not the Problem: Friendship in an Online Worldtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.21681432012-11-20T17:59:31-05:002013-01-20T05:12:01-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/ Facebook Is a Tool, My Friends
I have read many others rant and decry how Facebook is ruining our relationships, but I don't agree.
Can Facebook ruin a relationship? Yes, I suppose so. But I wouldn't say that it is the fault of Facebook, but rather the responsibility of the people who are using Facebook. After an awkward face-to-face conversation with someone, we don't then declare that we should never meet a friend for dinner. After a phone call ended with someone in tears, we don't then say that phones are the demise of friendships. And the same is true of Facebook. It is a tool that we can use to maintain (or damage) our friendships.
To say that Facebook can be an amazing tool to help our friendships is not the same as saying that it's the perfect tool for every setting and situation and person. But that's the responsibility of the people using the tool, not the fault of the tool. (see my link at the bottom for a post about some Facebook limitations.)
Facebook is Not to Blame for Your 5 Complaints
Here are the five most common complaints I hear from people who have either closed down their accounts in protest or have refused to ever join:
"Facebook is too shallow-everyone seems to only brag about the good in their lives or talk about inane things like what they ate for dinner." Yes, that can be true. But how is that different from most of life? Many family get-togethers, high school reunions, networking events, and dinner parties can fall prey to that trap as well. But those events are still valuable for other reasons. There is still a level of bonding and connection that can happen in this realm. We may not be hearing all aspects of someone, but we're still learning about them. We can't just refuse to engage with everyone unless it's really intimate and meaningful- truthfully we can't maintain more than a handful of those relationships and we need more support in our lives than that. Rather than blame Facebook for simply capturing what we do in real life, react the same way you would if you were at an event- find a couple of people you want to get to know better and engage with them. Comment on their photos, write them a personal message, ask them a follow-up question to their status update.
"Facebook makes me feel bad about myself." No,that shows you your areas for growth. A tool is not responsible for your feelings. Yes, Facebook may show us how many more people are having babies, retiring, going on vacation, or hanging out with friends, but the goal isn't to shut out everything that makes us feel insecure as much as it is to do the work of feeling secure and happy. That is not Facebook's fault unless we only find our worth in comparing our lives to others. And that is not the life we want. We want to be people whose peace isn't dependent upon what someone else is or isn't doing. Rather than blame Facebook for making us feel bad, we can use it as gymnasium for our souls to practice cheering for others (give thumbs up, say congrats!), gather information about what we want more of in our lives, and get clear about how we can show up online and offline with more self-worth.
"It's offensive to find out big news from friends through Facebook." While I do think there are some conversations and friendships where Facebook may not be the best choice of tool, I will say that when it comes to a friend announcing something- that is her moment, not yours. You feeling offended means you're making this about you when it's about her. If she gets engaged and just wants to shout it on the Facebook rooftops- then let her. Let her have her moment and express it however it feels best to her. That isn't about you or your friendship- be very careful that you're not taking personally what isn't meant to be taken personally. Rather than blame Facebook, I'd suggest that we remember that the way we find out doesn't limit the way we respond. Be sure to comment and celebrate her when you see it on the wall- she undoubtedly wants people to know. But if your friendship is deeper than that, be the one who drops a card of congrats in the mail, leaves an enthusiastic voice mail telling her you can't wait to hear all the details, or shoots off an email to schedule a time to take her out and celebrate her.
"I hate seeing my friends out doing things without me." Okay, I get it- it's never fun to feel like the uninvited person or an outsider. But, again, getting off Facebook doesn't mean it won't happen, it just means you won't know about it. And you're stronger than that. It's the meaning we give to those moments that hurt us. If you believe your worth is in being her only friend, then we have bigger issues than Facebook. I always champion that the healthiest friendships are where both women have other friends. It would be nice to get to a place where you could be cheering for her as she builds up her support system, and where you know you're doing the same. Rather than blame Facebook, be appreciative that you can use Facebook to get ideas of fun things you want to invite people to do, be inspired by her making new friends, and do what you can to keep contributing to that relationship with her. Giving her the space to make friends will benefit you in many ways down the road- she'll demand less from you and soon enough she'll be able to introduce you to the people she's meeting.
"I got my feelings hurt when she de-friended me." The number of articles written about this just astounds me. In my opinion we are being way too dramatic about this de-friending option. If you are de-friended- this isn't your new title, doesn't reflect your worth, nor does it speak to the future of the friendship you can still have with her. What it does say is that the two of you having something going on between you that isn't resolved and forgiven. Rather than reacting from your wounded ego, what can you do to help repair this friendship? Facebook is not to blame for our petty fights, disagreements, and frustrations with each other. Every relationship has them whether we're on Facebook or not. Being de-friended is the equivalent of needing some space- it doesn't need to be permanent. Much like the shutting of a door or the hanging up of a phone- it simply says that we have work to do in this relationship.
So there you have my thoughts on this subject! (Not that you asked me! LOL!) I'm looking forward to your comments and reactions... (I think?!) :)
And, if you're up for it, be a friend of GirlFriendCircles on Facebook. It will keep you updated with friendship articles in the news, updates on my books, alerts to friendships events in your area, etc. And we'll never de-friend you. Promise. :)
On a similar note: A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about the five best purposes of Facebook and the inherent limitations.]]>Can Friendship Save the World?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19104002012-09-25T16:57:31-04:002012-11-25T05:12:01-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
This is my manifesto for doing what I do. I believe that beyond the joy and health that friendships bring us personally, they also give us the place to practice being the people who this world needs.
I have this theory that friendship can save the world.
And by friendship, I mean relationships where we are committed to practicing the best version of ourselves, while simultaneously choosing to abandon pretense, posturing, and insecurity to risk revealing our shadow side, too.
I have this theory that friendship can save the world.
And by save, I mean bring greater happiness, less stress, healthier hearts and bodies, an increased sense of personal worthiness, less rejection, and fewer actions initiated by fear.
I believe that our friendships are gymnasiums for our souls. Gymnasiums where we can practice being the people this world needs -- building up our muscle for compassion, increasing our endurance for giving, and stretching our ability to see the best in each other.
So we can practice cheering for people even when we're jealous.
So we can practice listening even when we think we're right.
So we can practice empathy even when we're tempted to judge.
So we can practice serving even when we're busy.
So we can practice saying "I forgive you" even when we're disappointed.
All of these are skills this world desperately needs.
I have this theory that friendship can save the world.
And by the world, I mean that if we don't do these things in relationships with people we love, then what hope do we have of doing them with people who live on the other side of the world from us? Who have different religions or political views? Whose values and beliefs differ from our own?
I have this theory that friendship can save the world.
Less splintering, less judgment, less criticism, less loneliness, less fear, less pulling away, less war.
I have this theory that friendship can save the world.
More smiles, more acceptance, more love, more hope, more applause, more joy, more positivity, more belonging.
I have this theory that friendship can save the world.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.]]>Help! Should I Tell My Friend that Her Husband Is Cheating on Her?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16657572012-07-14T15:20:58-04:002012-09-13T05:12:07-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
You might expect a friendship advocate to champion, "Always tell your girlfriend the truth! Our loyalty is to each other!" And while I agree with that second sentence, I don't think the first sentence always leads to that result.
How we tell that truth is often what matters most.
Principles to Consider Before Confessing News that Could Ruin Her Life
Do you tell a girlfriend when her husband is cheating on her? Most women say they want to know... but how we do it can determine whether the friendship is protected.
Every friendship is different, every marriage is different and every affair is different. There is no one answer to the question that will fit everyone, all the time. Some of us will have added complications if we also feel loyal to the person we know is cheating, if we all hang out together regularly as couples or families, if we know she's had painful history with this subject, if she thinks her relationship is perfectly fine, if she's pregnant or has young kids or any other number of variations.
Here are some things to consider before you tell her what you know about her husband or boyfriend that could devastate her.
First, know that your burden isn't the priority. Yes, it feels like the worst secret ever. And you're sick to your stomach with what you know. Unfortunately, that is not the biggest concern here. What you are feeling is nothing compared to what she will feel. Your feelings are big and scary, but if you're thinking of confessing the truth so that you feel better -- that is the worst reason to do so. Even if it is causing fights in your own marriage or keeping you up at night -- that is not her fault. Vomiting the truth so that she hurts and you feel better is not friendship. Maturity means we learn to find our peace in the midst of painful situations. So if you do tell her, don't breathe a word about how it's impacting you, what you would do in this situation, or how mad at him you are. As much pain as you are in, don't make this about you. This is her nightmare.
Women know when they're ready to know, usually. I've talked to many women after they found out that their husbands were cheating and almost all of them saw warning signs and red flags when they looked back at the relationship. We might act like we don't know, for a while, because we're not ready to face the truth or because we're not ready to have it called into question. So think long and hard about whether you think your friend doesn't already know. In the coaching world we say, "Don't have their ah-ha for them." It's usually more life changing for her to come to her own truth, than for us for force feed it to her. So if you do tell her, I'd start with the least amount of information you need to give. Being loyal to her doesn't mean telling her everything you know, it means telling her enough so that she can try it on and make her best decisions. It's usually best to tell her what you know with a little bit of doubt, allowing her to save face if she chooses denial for a little longer. Don't force a long conversation or intervention now, just move on. You can know she'll undoubtedly keep thinking about it.
You need to know that most women stay. I think it's worth reminding you that most women stay in marriages even after an affair. And unless you've been there, you can't judge it. Sometimes there are higher values at stake, other needs being met and alternative priorities that she chooses. That is not a choice of weakness; to stay is hard and it takes tremendous strength. But you need to know this because it's not a given that she's going to thank you for the information and leave him tomorrow. Supporting her means supporting her relationships, choices, decisions and timing. Supporting her means accepting her no matter whether you approve. So if you do tell her, then be sure you tell her that it's okay if she stays or wants to try to work it out and that you can still understand what she loves about him. You should feel no invested stake in what choice she makes (even if it affects your ability to go out on double-dates -- that is not the highest priority right now!), when she makes it, or how; let her know that you will fully support her and journey with her in any direction. And you'll support her if she changes her mind down the road, too. Life is a journey, let her take hers.
Women don't want to have to defend their family. Even when we know our mom is impossible, we don't want someone else to say it. Even when we know our children are trouble-makers, we don't want everyone else to think less of them. Even when our spouse makes us madder than mad, we don't want our friends to not admire him. In fact it's common that most women will blame the "other woman" more than they will their own spouse -- its how we react to people we love. Like a mama bear with her cubs, chances are high that she will defend him; it's partly how she defends herself. So if you do tell her, be very, very careful to still speak highly of him, to only share the bare minimum and to never speak poorly of him or their marriage. Even if she reacts with anger toward him, tell her you understand the feelings, but don't agree with her or express your own opinion. What he did was a hurtful thing, but he is not a bad man. Even if she leaves him eventually, she will heal better if people around her aren't devaluing him or feeding her anger.
The messenger can become the threat. If she's defending him (or herself, since we all want to believe that we chose the perfect person, are worthy of their love and have a great marriage), you are at risk for being seen as the threat. At her very healthiest, she would be able to separate you from the message, but when we're scared, we don't always react rationally. She may accuse you of lying, see it as evidence that you've never really supported her relationship with him, or simply be so ashamed she can't face you anymore for what you come to represent to her. If the truth comes out later, she may not want to face you and feel the embarrassment of an "I told you so," and if she decides to stay, she may feel like she can never talk about it with you. So if you do tell her, know this distance is normal and a likely consequence of telling the truth. The best way to minimize this is by never placing yourself against him; rather just keep expressing how much you love her and will stick by her no matter what. Express deep regret for having to tell her, but simply tell her you would regret it more if she someday found out you knew and didn't tell her.
Be ready and willing to handle the grief. If you're not close enough to her to be someone who is ready to go through the grief cycle with her, you may not be close enough to her to tell her this news. She will likely need to grieve; whether it ends her relationship or not, there is still some loss. The stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, and depression -- all of which she may take out on you. All of which are healthy and normal stages. Pray for the courage and tenacity to not take things personally. So if you tell her, you need to be committed to showing up in all those stages, reminding her how much you love her and support her. That might mean doing all the initiating for a while. That might mean being her place to vent or her person to ignore. No matter what she does, you should just keep saying to her, "You have a right to be mad. I would be to. That's okay. But I'm going to still be here no matter what. You can yell at me, but I still love you." It means being ready to clean up the vomit that was spewed. Because that's real loyalty.
You've been put in a tough place knowing this information. But you can handle this choice.
Loyalty may mean protecting her from this news for now if you feel that's the best option. Loyalty can also mean helping her face her feelings, no matter how reactionary they are.
Either way, you can love her and help her see her best self, so that when she goes through phases when she can't see it herself -- she can see herself through your eyes.
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For more articles that deal with friendship break-ups, drift-aparts and rifts, go to Shasta's Friendship Blog.]]>The Judgment of Weighttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.15683872012-06-06T11:47:59-04:002012-08-06T05:12:10-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/Glamour article "The Secret Way People Are Judging You." The article exposed the results of a poll from more than 1,800 women revealing what they thought about women of various weights.
"conceited" or "superficial" about eight times as often as heavy women;
"vain" or "self-centered" four times as often;
"bitchy," "mean," or "controlling" more than twice as often.
Even the "good" labels are unfair. An overweight woman may be five times as likely to be perceived as "giving" as a skinny one.
Absorbing the Results of our Weight Stereotyping
I unfortunately can't say I was entirely shocked by these results. We live in a world where we make decisions about people within 20 seconds so it can't surprise us that it's most likely dependent upon external factors. I was surprised though that women of all weights hold these stereotypes. In other words, the judgments aren't just one group toward another, but "Plus-size respondents judged other plus-size women as 'sloppy,' and skinny types pegged their thin peers as 'mean.'" We know the judgments are unfair about us, but it doesn't stop us from putting those labels on someone else! What is that?
I was also moved by the various interviews of women who have felt those judgments. There has been quite a bit of research done in what is being called "fat studies" where we see the impact that extra weight (and/or the shame and ostracism of that extra weight) has on someone's ability to be hired, healthy, or seen as attractive. One study showed that overweight women have a harder time getting hired and that when they do, they earn as much as $5,826 less than their normal-weight peers. Painful and completely unfair!
And similarly, this article is one of the first for highlighting the scorn that skinny women face, too. Amy Farrell, Ph.D., a professor of women's and gender studies and author of Fat Shame highlighted that skinny women are often "pushed away as someone who is not sharing in the same struggles as the rest of us. People look at her and say, 'You're not friend material; you're alien.'" As someone who studies female friendship, that jumped off the page to me! That we think their weight is any way connected to the type of friend they can be?
Again, Friendships Can Be Part of the Solution
At the end of the article I was left with this mixed feeling.
On the one hand, I just felt sick. Feeling the depth of our judgmental culture and wondering if there was really anything that could change us to be more accepting of each other was initially overwhelming.
But on the other hand, I felt slightly hopeful. Hopeful because we're doing it to ourselves. And if we're the ones doing it to each other, then it seems like we could own that and start choosing to do it differently.
Personal growth isn't about becoming someone different as much as it's about seeing ourselves as we are and starting to catch ourselves earlier in our judgments. So I can't just tell myself to stop judging, but I can tell myself that it matters to me to catch myself doing it and give myself the choice to create new brain patterns.
I may not be able to stop my first judgment about someone from popping into my head -- assuming that she's stuck-up, vain, insecure, or superficial -- but I can sure to own that and choose to follow it up with a stronger thought. I can remind myself that I know what it feels like to be judged by people who don't know me. I can remind myself of all my friends who have different body types and appearances who don't fit the stereotypes. I can remind myself that no one benefits from being judged -- and that in actuality, research has proven that few of us are good judges. I can step down from the soapbox created by my insecurities.
We don't have the luxury in this world of all feeling overly loved. Few of us report having all the love and acceptance we need! We could all do with more friends, more people who cheer us on, more people who accept us as we are, more people who want to get to know us past our appearances. As women who value friends, we should be leading this charge!
We can choose, after our judgments, to refuse to believe them. Instead, we can silently whisper, "I accept you just as you are. I can't wait to see the beautiful person you are," and trust that a little more love in this world will go a long way.
This article was originally posted at Shasta's Friendship Blog where she writes weekly about two subjects that can't be separated: healthy relationships and personal growth.
For more on emotional intelligence, click here.]]>What the Desperate Housewives Can Learn From Gleetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.15411322012-05-24T14:00:40-04:002012-07-24T05:12:07-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/Desperate Housewives on Sunday nights. In the name of research & development, the 8-season, multiple-award-winning ABC show served as a muse for me in my field of studying female friendships and guiding women to healthy relationships. Nearly every episode showcased principles of friendship between the neighbors of Wisteria Lane. If not always by good example, than at least as a warning of how not to behave toward each other! Friendship was the glue that held the story lines together through divorces, kids, financial stress, job changes, health scares, alcoholism, and even a murder charge in the last season.
But the best friends who were willing to serve jail time for each other made a grievous mistake in their series finale last week. What they neglected to do made this week's Glee finale even sweeter when a couple of high-schoolers got it right.
The Desperate Housewives Mistake
At the end of the Desperate Housewives two-hour finale, the four BFFs are seen playing one more game of poker. It is during this game over the years that we have seen them frequently share their lives, catch up, gossip, and stay connected. This time with the news that Susan, and possibly Lynette, will be moving off the Lane, they talk about the impending changes with a hint of fear and sadness, but brush it off with a "no matter what happens, we'll still get together to play poker sometime!"
Then the narrator's voice informs the viewer that that there will be no future poker games. That was, indeed, their last.
The final moments provided a flash-forward of their separate lives, a "what became of them" montage of their future post-Wisteria Lane life. While I was thrilled to see the powerful roles they each stepped into, lives filled with pursuing the things that mattered to them, I was left with the ache of friendship investments that never benefited them after they moved away.
A friendship doesn't have to last forever. But, in this case, neither did it need to end due to moves. They could have continued to reap the benefits for years to come of the intimacy they fostered when they lived nearby.
And How Glee Got It Right
On Tuesday night's Glee finale, fans are left watching all their favorite high school students graduate from William McKinley High School. This graduation means that half the cast of New Directions, their national award-winning glee club, is moving on.
There are multiple promises made to always stay in touch. Lots of good intentions to cheer for each other wherever they each decide to go. And a fair share of hugs, goodbyes and tears.
But in one moment that could almost have been missed, we see how one high-school student gave what none of the housewives offered.
Quinn Fabray, a cheerleader who initially joined the glee club to keep an eye on her football quarterback boyfriend, walks into the bathroom where Rachel Berry, the star of the glee club who is now engaged to Quinn's ex, is touching up her makeup. Through the four seasons there has been plenty of drama between these two girls, but through singing together they have become friends. They comment on their friendship and how much they'll miss each other. It almost seems like a Desperate Housewives repeat about to happen.
And then in an act of genius, Quinn hands Rachel a train ticket. Smiling, she says "This is so you can come visit me at Yale next year. And I bought one for me so I can come see you in New York City, too."
In that one action they have ensured that their friendship doesn't turn into "used-to-be-friends." In that one tangible commitment they ensure that good intentions will transform to more good moments together. With one person being willing to go from words to logistics, they help their friendship transition into their new futures.
Their friendship will change. They won't have the benefit of seeing each other every day to help keep them connected. But just because it has to change, doesn't mean it has to end.
Rewriting Desperate Housewives
If I had been writing the Desperate Housewives ending, I would have added one more line to the script. Any one of the characters could have followed up the ambiguous hope of them all getting together for future poker games by saying, "Hey, let's all commit that no matter what happens in our lives we will get together one weekend a year for poker and friendship. I vote that we all mark our calendars one year from now for our next game."
Turning good intentions into action is what separates those of us who have long-term friendships from those who have former friends in various cities.
Here are two other blog posts about my own circle of friends who get together every year despite wherever we now live: My Annual GirlFriend Group: The Benefits of Long-term Friendships and Used-to-be-Friends or Still Friends?]]>Feminism: How I Finally Came Out as an Advocate for Womentag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12451762012-02-07T19:06:29-05:002012-04-08T05:12:01-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/Ms. magazine fundraiser luncheon featuring Gloria Steinem. With only thirty women in attendance it was a coveted win.
Photo: Shasta Nelson with Gloria Steinem and Ayesha Mathews-Wadwha
Feminism: A Word I Didn't Like
I'm slowly waking up to feminism.
Half of my readers will be appalled that I feel a need to use the word feminism at all, and the other half of you are probably rolling your eyes that I ever had any hesitation around word.
I was raised in the eighties when the women's movement experienced its backlash after all the progress of the sixties and seventies. To say the least, the word "feminist" didn't hold positive associations for me for most of my life -- it wasn't something you wanted to be. I'd repeatedly heard women start sentences with "I'm not a feminist, but ...," modeling for me that we wanted to distance ourselves from some scary picture of women burning bras, hating men and causing a ruckus.
Adding to the distance I created between myself and feminism was the fact that being a girl often proved to be an advantage to me. I liked being female (shows how much I misunderstood the feminist message!). I didn't feel a sense of oppression about my sex -- I actually felt singled out, rewarded and applauded. Running as one of the first female candidates for Student Association president in college was an honor, attending seminary with less than ten women in my program felt pioneering, and serving as many people's first female pastor felt like a privilege. It wasn't without gratitude that I recognized that I had those opportunities because of women who had fought the good fight before me, but I didn't see the need to keep fighting. I wasn't one of them. I thought we had made it. Or, at least that there was enough momentum to keep us on our way.
I look back now with a twinge of regret that I cared more about being likable, agreeable and your all-around-good-girl than I did about being an advocate for women. But I either didn't see the need or assumed the cause was doing fine without me having to wave its banner.
But as soon as the word is uttered, we sometimes back away, either because we don't sense the urgency of its message, don't relate to those in the media who represent the word to us or don't necessarily feel like there is anything we can do, or want to do -- or some combination of all of these factors. I've spent an entire career distancing myself from a word while still believing in the concept it represents. Being a naturally positive person has more or less allowed me to look away from numbers as I argue that change takes time. I chose instead to feel encouraged by how many amazing women I knew who were doing so much.
So this last year I'd say I'm having a bit of an awakening.
An awakening where I realize that we women still need to consciously play bigger games, speak out more, and offer our best in this world. This has nothing to do with what choices you make -- to get married or not, stay home with kids or work outside the home, wear stilettos or reject fashion -- it has to do with being honored completely in whatever choice we do make. Not just for our sakes, but because the problems in our world need us. The ways we engage, make decisions and nurture those around us is being called out. The challenges around us need us.
Feminism in Friendship
I've always wanted to live up to my best. And I was always told I could. In that sense I have always been a feminist.
But it hasn't been until this last year that I'm getting more comfortable with the word and my belief that I need to contribute to what that word stands for. I'd say that one of the forces that has transitioned me into the passion I feel for the cause were my relationships with other women.
When you experience women cheering for you -- supporting you, believing in you, thanking you, and helping you -- you realize how much more powerful you feel. And you want everyone else to have that.
Whether it was Ayesha Mathews-Wadhwa (Founder of PixInk Design who helps companies market to women, pictured with me and Gloria Steinem) or Christine Bronstein from A Band of Wives who gifted me the ticket to attend the luncheon-- these two women are fabulous examples of women who have modeled their willingness to promote other women.
And when you have been given to, you want to give back.
The word feminism is still an awkward word on my tongue. But the concept has taken root in my heart. I hope that those of us reading this can keep living it out in our interactions with each other -- being constant reminders of each others value and potential. That as women who value friends -- we know that we are empowering each other in ways no one else can do. We can hold up mirrors to each other that remind us of our inherent worth.
On the surface, it's easy to think that what we do on GirlFriendCircles.com, a women's friendship matching site, is just networking and social events. But it's women showing up ready to commit to each other, willing to invest in the forming of bonds, honoring the fact that friendships with others are important enough to us to do something about it.
That's feminism. Saying we matter. Putting actions behind our words. We're ensuring that we don't do this journey of life without a local community, cheerleaders, allies and friends.
When I met Gloria Steinem, I thanked her for the path she helped pave for so many of us. Her response was "the hardest part is still ahead."
Good thing we have each other.
p.s.: A shout-out also to all the men who have been feminists long before I was ready to claim the title! Thank you for the voices you've lent the cause!
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This posting was originally posted on Shasta's Friendship Blog where Shasta Nelson posts weekly articles on women's issues as connected to our need of meaningful friendships.]]>Blessing of the Open Handstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11083552011-11-22T20:15:55-05:002012-01-22T05:12:01-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
The very act of making those open hands has become my own little mantra in life, inviting my heart to reflect the handmade sign. It's how I want to show up in life, especially in my relationships.
What Open Hands Are Not
For when I see those open hands I am reminded of all that they are and, conversely, all that they are not.
If my hands are open -- then that means they are not limp, by my side, unwilling, un-noticing, or incapable of being ready to receive.
If my hands are open -- then that means I am not clinging, fists tight, trying to hold, control, keep or grasp.
If my hands are open -- then that means I am not palms out, pushing away, putting up walls, resisting, defending, refusing to let life in.
If my hands are open -- then that means they are not flat and stretched, unable to hold anything of value, refusing to be a safe container for that which is given in my life.
If my hands are open -- then that means they aren't trying to stretch the fingers ever wider to hold more and more. For they would know that as the fingers spread, so do the gifts begin to seep out like sand through the cracks.
No, I want to step into life with gentle, but firmly-cupped hands. Not needing to grab, push, cling, force or refuse. Rather, I show up with a readiness that says I will look for things to hold, people to love, life to relish, moments to enjoy, gifts to appreciate.
What Open Hands Remind Me
Open hands remind me that I am deserving of goodness. I am worthy, willing and capable. I refuse to let past rejection, fears, insecurities and previous losses stop me from being ready to receive this time. I value living life fully and I will look for moments to cherish and love.
Open hands remind me that if I give freedom to goodness to land in my life, then I also give freedom to see those same gifts fly away. In their own time. I can't not control one and then try to control the other. An airport cannot choose to only accept arrivals and not departures; there are valid times for travel in both directions. I cannot force people to stay here any longer than I can force time to stand still. I cannot manipulate, coerce, charm or trap gifts to last forever.
And should I ever be tempted to close my hand around something, I inevitably have just closed my hand to other gifts as well. Ironic, that the very gesture of trying to keep one thing can be the gesture that prevents other good things.
Sometimes we're so focused on refusing to let go of one thing that we miss the other opportunities. We hold so tight that we suffocate the very breath that we never wanted to lose. With tight hands we squish the bug we were trying to save, melt the chocolate we wanted for later, or find fingernail marks in our skin because we clenched too hard. That which we wanted to keep, we lost anyhow. And now our hands are just messy and sore.
Open hands remind me to engage, to not give up, to expect, to hope and to cherish. They teach me to let go, to unclench, to find peace. They offer me moments of joy and loss, inviting me to find contentment in both.
My Open Hands Blessings
My open hands invite me to embrace, hug and cherish the people in my life now.
My open hands remind me to feel grateful for those relationships even when they have flown away.
My open hands provide me a visual promise that I anticipate a future filled with more love.
This Thanksgiving, I hold my hands open. Grateful for the blessings. Those blessings that I have now, the ones I have had and those that are still yet to come.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
This post is a re-post from Shasta's Friendship Blog. To receive her weekly blog update, you can subscribe on her blog. She also writes monthly for The Huffington Post, becoming her fan on the top right of this page will alert you when a new post is added.]]>Toxic Friendship? Or Can You Work Toward Frientimacy?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10771102011-11-07T11:17:36-05:002012-01-07T05:12:01-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/according to a joint survey conducted by TODAY.com and SELF magazine.
By Definition of the Word Friend... Why Would We Want to Avoid Them?
In my last post about the consequences of labeling someone toxic, I shared how sickening it feels to actually see 409,000,000 results in response to a Google search of two words that I regret ever end up in the same search: avoid and friend. Something about that combination just doesn't sit right with me.
Now, if there were half a billion search results on how to avoid irritating people, that I could comprehend. I understand that there are people out there who drain us, annoy us and repeatedly exhaust us, and we may often make the choice to avoid people that make us feel that way if we can. What I have a harder time understanding is how those people ended up getting labeled as our friends to begin with, when the very definition of "friend" implies affection and positive feelings!
I am not suggesting that there aren't people we may need to end relationships with or those with whom we need to draw clear boundaries. But when more than 80 percent of us have an impulse to avoid someone we once liked, I think there is something else going on.
Alternative Option: Grow Through It
The fact that we have called these people our friends leaves me thinking that there might be something worth restoring.
Restoring, or growing, a relationship is not putting up with it. It's not just grinning and bearing it. Rather, it's growing it, recognizing that every healthy relationship model has within it a stage that is described with words such as disillusionment, conflict, questioning, tension, storming, chaos and struggle.
With words like that, it makes sense why we'd be inclined to stay in the previous phases (referred to as pseudo-community, honeymoon stage or forming) where it felt fun, good, and energizing to be friends, where we didn't yet consider the relationship "toxic."
At this point, should we "get out of it" or walk away when someone annoys us? If we walk away, we will never experience the depth on the other side. Psychologists put words such as intimacy, performing, true community, growth, commitment and co-creation past this stage of conflict, the point at which you find out that you can't stand something about them. To get out of our relationships when we're disappointed at this point may make us feel strong, but it could also mean we're preventing real intimacy, something that appears to be in short supply these days.
On the other hand, to simply "put up with it," pushing away the disappointment of "toxic behaviors" (i.e. displaying narcissism, acting needy, sounding critical) means we are always trying to hide our true feelings, walk on eggshells, pretend it's all okay, and just silently fume. These avoidance behaviors keep us in the early stages of a relationship, in the pseudo-community phase where you may look like friends, but the friendship is not safe and meaningful.
The third option, "growing through it," means repairing the relationship will definitely feel awkward at times, take energy, risk disappointment, require forgiveness and possibly reveal your own shortcomings. It's clear why so few of us step into it.
Frientimacy Includes "Toxic" Behavior
Before you will be willing to move toward intimacy, or what I call Frientimacy to clarify non-romantic intimacy, it will require you to really examine a friendship before you judge it "toxic."
When we label a person, we are buying in to a fear-based belief system that people are inherently one thing: unhealthy or healthy, bad or good, toxic or non-toxic. If people are only one way or the other, your highest priority then is to vet them, judge them, and weed them out of your life. If you don't, you will be brought down by them. (Assuming, of course, that you're not one of them.)
But if we can resist the temptation of believing someone is toxic (which is far different from acknowledging that we can be hurt by their behavior, see previous post) then we can acknowledge that all of us have the capacity at times to express unhealthy behaviors, just as we can also all show compassion and thoughtfulness.
In real life applications, just because a new mom is needy and insatiable (a characteristic that 59 percent of us would say makes her toxic) doesn't mean she'll be that way forever, or that she can't also be filled with love and joy at the same time. Just because a friend is starting to sound too critical, a reaction from her own insecurities (a characteristic that 55 percent of us would say makes her toxic) doesn't mean she won't grow into her self-worth, and that in the meantime she can't also be someone who would drop everything in her life to support you.
We are all meant to be a blessing on this planet, even if we do adopt behaviors that can damage one another. This worldview invites us to see our relationships as our self-growth laboratory, a context in which we learn the genuine dynamics of who we are and who our friends are.
When we show up, really show up with someone, seeing them past the healthy, non-toxic facade we thought they were initially, it allows us to ask: "What does this relationship tell me about myself, about what I value, about what edges I need to smooth? Have I clearly communicated to her what I want and need from her and how her behavior impacts me? Have I sought to understand why she's acting out her insecurities with me in this way? And what does this relationship tell me about her and how I can give to her in ways that mean something meaningful to her?"
I'm not saying you need to get closer to everyone whom you consider toxic. But I am saying you'll have to do it with a few of them if you want Frientimacy -- friends with whom we experience familiarity, safety, comfortableness and acceptance of both our good sides and our bad.
]]>4 Consequences to Labeling a Friend 'Toxic'tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9784022011-09-27T07:24:22-04:002011-11-27T05:12:02-05:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/frenemy and toxic friend are becoming part of our vernacular. Books and articles continue to warn us about the unhealthy women with cute names like Negative Nellie, Sabotage Suzie, and Fault Finding Fran. Do a google search with two words that by definition shouldn't be in the same sentence, "avoid" and "friend," and you'll get a list of 409,000,000 articles helping you figure out which friends to drop.
It's certainly true that there are extremely unhealthy people who hurt us and drain us, with whom we need to set very firm boundaries. But before we too quickly label someone as "toxic," I'd like to suggest that we consider four potential personal and relational consequences that happen when we get label-happy.
1) Labeling Distracts Us From Our Growth
Recent research suggested that 84% of women admit to having had a toxic friend. That means we either all know the remaining 16% of women who are the poisonous ones, or that some of us putting the labels on others are also the ones wearing them.
I'm repeatedly reminded that we all have a shadow side, a place where our tireless egos try to hide our wounds from others or seemingly protect us so we don't keep getting hurt. Don Riso and Russ Hudson in their book "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" point out that "we tend to see our motivations as coming from the healthy range. The defenses of our ego are such that we always see ourselves as our idealized self-image, even when we are only average or even pathological." That's humbling enough to remind me that I have a good chance of exhibiting the faults I see in others, even if I do it in different ways.
Look at the list of what we think makes someone toxic (according to the recent survey conducted by TODAY.com and SELF.com) and you tell me if you haven't exhibited one of these at some point? The number one source of toxicity, say experts, is narcissism (65 percent). The list continues with being too needy (59 percent), too critical (55 percent), giving backhanded compliments that undermine (45 percent), and proving to be flakey or unreliable (37 percent). I'd say, to some extent, that's a list that we all struggle with not because all we're poisonous but simply because we're human.
I don't condone these behaviors, but I can acknowledge that they're normal, albeit unhealthy, habits that develop out of our own insecurities. None of us started our adult journeys from a place of enlightenment. We are all still on our own paths toward becoming centered, present and awake.
But pointing to someone else in a devaluing way, while it may make us feel more healthy/righteous, could distract us from the growth we need to be stepping into ourselves.
2) Labeling Risks Victim Mentality
Believing someone is toxic undermines our own power. The obvious loss of strength comes just in merely believing that someone is inherently poisonous.
First, this is a value judgment that weakens how we feel about ourselves since it's impossible to put out judgment on others without also putting it on ourselves.
And second, we destabilize our peace when we dare to believe that someone else can affect us the way that drinking poison would, as though we're victim to them once we've allowed them into our lives, unable to withstand their toxic fumes. It gives them the power that we should hold for ourselves; the power that says my peace is mine -- you don't get to vote whether I have it or not.
We give too much power away when we use the word "toxic," subtly telling ourselves there is nothing we can do about it. Believing that anyone has that kind of influence on us doesn't remind us that we choose our own feelings and responses.
3) Labeling is Harmful to Others
Labeling people as toxic doesn't inspire loving transformation. It is not only ineffective, but also damaging.
It's ineffective, in part, because blame and shame only invite egos to yell louder in an effort to defend themselves. People often cannot see their own flaws or the impact they are having on others. So to have it pointed out in a way that stems from judgment almost guarantees that the words will not land on fertile or transformative soil.
Labeling is damaging because we're risking someone believing the label as an indictment of her personhood, her being, rather than her behavior. That's a crucial difference. It's the equivalent of a parent disciplining a child by saying "You're a bad boy" versus "What you did was a bad thing." For anyone to believe that they are inherently bad, toxic, or irreparable prevents them from ever trying to change. (The term "unhealthy" at least suggests there is the expected state of health.) What we want is to put the focus on the behaviors that are impacting us and therefore on the possibility of transformation for both of us.
We each, even the most damaged among us, have a blessing to offer the world. A label doesn't remind us, or them, of their essence, their spirit, their being, their potential gift.
4) Labeling Minimizes the Role of Relationships
And here's the ultimate irony. The truth is we cannot all wait to be in relationship until we are healthy, for it is in our relationships that we can become healthy. We don't grow more loving in a loveless vacuum.
We are relational beings. Which means that relationships are the curriculum and context for our opportunities to grow, mature, and become more whole. If we jump out of them when they get difficult and tense, for whatever reason, we can short-circuit our growth and the growth of this separate organism of life called the relationship.
Before I go on, let me give a caveat: I am not encouraging anyone to stay in abusive situations or to put up with unhealthy behaviors that are damaging. Sometimes we have to be willing to establish very firm boundaries with people who continually hurt us, and that might mean separating ourselves at some point.
That said, what often gets labeled as toxic (as we see from the above list) are actually quite subjective designations often given too quickly. For example, few of us are qualified to diagnose someone with the emotional disorder known as narcissism. And yet what happens is if someone doesn't live up to our expectations, most of them unstated, it is far too easy to feel like we've given more than we've received. We then conclude that the other is inherently selfish -- that he or she is incapable of getting us and giving to us. They think only of themselves, period. We are using our feelings of lack and our own unmet desires to then label them toxic. There may be a different way of seeing the situation?
Imagine entering into our relationships with the purpose to learn our personal and relational lessons in our journey toward becoming more mature and whole. That could mean choosing to withhold slapping the label of toxic onto her for a while as we together worked in our laboratory of love to grow this relationship as far as it can possibly go.
In the end, if we both need to separate from each other, we do so having learned our important lessons and grown in our ability to love more effectively.
The good news in focusing on the interaction between us that can change, versus only focusing on the label we've judged her with being that implies it cannot change, is that now there is space for both of us to grow together.
A Better Way to Respond?
Responses to the research that more than 8 out of 10 of us can point to a friend who is toxic, and 1 in 3 saying it has been their best friend, seem to be one of two options: "Put up with it" or "Get out of it."
I dare say there is third way. But that's for my next post.
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]]>4 Ways to Celebrate Friendship Monthtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9426312011-09-01T12:56:00-04:002011-11-01T05:12:01-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/
I go back and forth between championing friendship holidays and feeling slightly squeamish over them. Much like one of Santa's helpers admitting some ambivalence about Christmas, it feels slightly wrong to be a spokesperson for women's friendship and not promote every one of the holidays.
Notice that word was plural. I love my friends, but even my mom only gets one holiday! Look at this mess:
Friendship Holidays Throughout the Year
All over the Web, February is touted as the International Month of Friendship. If you know why, I'd love to know, but indeed there are over 32 million results claiming it is so.
In my circle of women's friendship experts, we all seem to have coalesced behind September as Women's Friendship Month. In 1999, Kappa Delta Sorority created the National Women's Friendship Day that became so popular that it was expanded in 2009 to a month-long celebration. Now women celebrate International Women's Friendship Month (IWFM) the entire month. There are a good 52 million good results on this one, but who's to say if that is what determines the winner?
But with a ton of August friendship holidays cropping up, you'd have good reason for thinking everyone moved the celebrations to this summer month. Apparently, Aug. 1 is called National Girlfriends Day, not to be confused with the Women's Friendship Day that has multiple records online for being the third Sunday in August. Which is still different from the more general official Friendship Day, recognized by Wikipedia as having Hallmark roots and as being the first Sunday of every August since its inception in 1919.
But even that official Friendship Day in August gets a little blurry, because this last April 2011, the General Assembly of the United Nations declared July 30 as official International Friendship Day.
And then you can't do much research and not come across Best Friends Day on June 8, or Old Friends, New Friends Week as the third week of May.
See what I mean? What's a friendship girl to do?
There are simply too many groups of people naming different dates and too large a plethora of variations on the theme. If I don't throw up pom-poms on each of the said dates, then I feel like a friendship Scrooge or slacker; if I try to give honorable mention to all of them, they all seem to start losing some meaning. I suppose I should just be thrilled to have more opportunities to promote friendship, but wouldn't any holiday start to lose some joy if we all celebrated it at different times and at half a dozen unique dates throughout the year?
But one month I can do.
So until you all figure out the best holiday schedule, I'm going to stick to celebrating September as Friendship Month. (Who knows, I may throw in another date here and there just so I don't feel like a total friendship Grinch refusing to play with everyone else.)
Four Fabulous Ways to Celebrate Your Friends
Let's love on our freinds! Here are themes to help you start thinking about how you can rekindle, celebrate and create friendships this month.
Plan a get-together with local friends: Schedule a brunch or dinner party for later this month and invite your friends. And no worries if they don't all know each other. This can be a small GirlFriend Gratitude Party where you celebrate your three besties, or it can be a big night out with friends encouraged to bring their other friends!
Reconnect with long-lost pals: Decide you're going to really catch up with the people you say are important to you even if you haven't connected in several months. Maybe decide to call one every Sunday this month.
Make new friends: The average person replaces half her friends every seven years. So chances are you need to be putting yourself out there to start the process of meeting someone now so that this time next year you have another fabulous friend. Send an email to someone you've recently met and invite her to coffee, find a meet-up where you can meet someone over a shared interest, join an online site to make new friends, or RSVP to some event and promise yourself you'll talk to three new people.
Affirm those who love you well: We have fun with our friends. We cry on their shoulders. We whine about life. We encourage each other. But this month be sure to tell them thank you. Depending on your finances, style and depth of connection, show your appreciation. This could be as simple as buying five cards at the supermarket to surprise them with a paragrpah about what you love about them. Or, if a friend has really gone through a big transition this year with you, maybe give her flowers, a necklace or a coupon for a free house cleaning!
Pick your holiday, name your month, vote for your favorite version, or start yet another one, but what it really comes down to is loving your friends well.
And, I promise you, if you love them well this month, I won't make you do it again in February.
Shasta is celebrating Friendship Month by starting to vlog on friendship! Subscribe to her new YouTube channel where she'll be posting three-minute teaching clips throughout the month!]]>My Prayer: Who I Want To Betag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9155792011-08-08T12:27:31-04:002011-10-08T05:12:02-04:00Shasta Nelson, M.Div.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shasta-nelson-mdiv/greeted in my presence.
Welcomed. Worthy. Accepted. That means when I see you I start with love. It means I refuse to wait until my ego can determine your value to me. Forgive me for my impulse to judge, I want to un-learn that behavior. The truth is that you are human -- my sister, my brother -- and that is enough. Your value is exponential and I greet the lessons you will teach me. Thank you.
I want to show up in life in such a way that you feel abundant in my presence.
Abundant in the awareness that you are enough. More than enough, in fact. Where for a moment, you can find refuge from your inadequacies, insecurities, fears and judgments. For I want to see you; the part of you that is innocent, beautiful, perfect and true. I give you my word that I will seek that in you, knowing that those who seek, find. I desire to be someone who sees your best, even when you can't.
I want to show up in life in such a way that you feel loved in my presence.
For you are. I believe in a God that loves you. A God that asked me to do the same. I regret how frequently I do it imperfectly. Nonetheless, I will keep trying. For it's never because you're not worth my love; rather, it's always because my own fears get in my way of expressing it. I don't bestow upon you your loveability, I only affirm what is already there. You are love-able and loved. May I remember that truth that you might feel it when I'm around.
I want to show up in life in such a way that you feel gratitude in my presence.
May my words and actions remind us both that not only are you enough, but so am I. And so is this world. There is enough joy for both of us. I can promise you that when I feel lack -- as I sometimes do -- I will own it as my own hunger; refusing to devalue what you have, or who you are. You deserve all that is yours and I celebrate it. May I become the person who holds so much gratitude for your life that I invite you to rejoice in it too.
I want to show up in life in such a way that you feel encouraged in my presence.
Not just applauded, but deeply hopeful. I want to hold enough faith in the universe that I can share it with you at any time. I want you to be able to look in my eyes and see your best self reflected back at you. May you feel supported in owning your strength, your beauty, your talent, your power, your love, your goodness. An encouragement that roots itself in a soil of knowing and branches out in vibrant action.
It doesn't matter who you are -- you deserve these things from me.
You can be someone I walk by in the grocery store, or someone I commit my life to. Both can be equally difficult.
You can be someone I am drawn to, or someone I feel repelled by. Either way, how I show up with kindness should not differ.
You can be someone who has loved me well, or someone who has hurt me deeply. My interpretation of my experience with you doesn't change your worth.
You can be someone I watch only on TV, or someone I know intimately. Your inherent goodness isn't dependent on my knowing you.
How I respond to you says more about me than it does about you. I know that. I own it. Indeed there is a gap between who I want to be for you and who I am. For that, I am sorry. Life is not a competition where one of us holds more value than another. And no one, other than my own ego, has given me permission to go around making judgments about your merit. So when I show up, as humans often do, without being all that I want to be, forgive me. And just know it's no reflection on you.
My prayer is that I keep growing in love, becoming, expanding, inviting, welcoming. I trust that as I see my own worth more clearly, I might better show you yours.
My prayer is that the best in me honors the best in you. That I can have God-eyes to see you the way you are. The way you are meant to be loved.
May it be so. Namaste.
This blog is re-posted from Shasta's Friendship Blog where she writes weekly on relationship strategy. ]]>
