Stefanie Iris Weiss

9 Natural Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

2012-10-23T11:09:27-04:00

Tips for giving you and your partner an organic sex-lift.

Sex is natural, sex is good, but not everybody is doing nearly enough of what they should. We're busy, we're stressed out and we're tired, but that's precisely why we should be having more sex. Being intimate cuts heart attack risk, burns calories, releases endorphins and boosts immunity. But in a technology-addled world where we're often more intimate with our iPhones than our active or would-be lovers, sometimes you need a few tips. It's time to slow down and put some eco into your sex. Here's a guide to getting it on au naturel.

Fall in Love With Your Own Body

Eco-Sex starts with your own body. Practice being Cleopatra from the moment you wake in the morning until your lover arrives to pick you up (or just comes home from work). If you haven't already begun excising toxic chemicals from your beauty routine, let better sex be your clarion call. Cleansing and moisturizing with EWG-approved products or DIY organic essential oil blends will make you look and feel beautiful. Falling in love with your own body is step number one for a healthy sex life, so give your temple the respect it deserves.

Entertain Aphrodisiacs

Nibble on vegan and organic aphrodisiacs. Skip the heavy, artery-clogging and potentially erection-killing steak and champagne dinner. Try a vegan and/or raw meal laced with aphrodisiacs like asparagus, ginger, avocado and artichoke (to turn on women) and cinnamon, mango, squash, pumpkin and cayenne (to turn on the guys). Ginger and basil do double-duty, seducing both sexes.

Light it Up

Let there be candlelight. Particularly if you're in a long-term relationship where it seems as if you and your partner are having a threesome with the television. It's nice to ditch the grid, at least for an evening. Turn off all the electric lights and create a sensual, subtle, skin-flattering glow. Conventional candles are often made from toxic paraffin, so go for ethically sourced, eco-friendly, fair-trade varieties when possible. Cheekily-named candles from A Scent of Scandal (examples include "Morning Wood" and "One Night Stand") are vegan with cotton wicks. Essoya Candles use non-GMO soy and stimulating essential oil blends. Or try doing a craft night with your lover: Make candles together before you make love.

Slip Into Something Natural

Wear sustainable skivvies. When sex gets too routine, the old cliché about lingerie really does work – especially when your panties are made from the good stuff. Forget the mass-produced Victoria's Secret or even the Agent Provocateur -- slip on underwear made from natural textiles like organic cotton and bamboo, and let the fireworks begin. Enamore, Araks and Urban Fox make gorgeous, simple and sexy bras, panties and teddies that both you and your lover will fancy.

Stay Ethical Right Down to…

Make your safe sex sustainable sex. The amazing folks behind Sir Richard's Condom Company have created the first ethical condom. Vegan (certified by PETA) and sourced from sustainable latex, Sir Richard's donates a condom to a developing country for every one you buy. Consider them the Tom's Shoes of the sex industry. Luckily your pleasure is just as important to them as ethics are: The ultra-thin variety are seriously thin condoms that feel barely there. They're also stylishly packaged and available at Whole Foods.

Oil Up Your Libido

Rub on some DIY massage oil. Coconut oil, the magical elixir that can be used in your hair, as a makeup remover, as a vegetable sauté or in your smoothie is also a wonderful massage oil. Try putting a few drops of lavender and ylang-ylang essential oil (for stress-reduction) or neroli oil to stimulate libido.

Make Things Slippery

Make your lube organic. The conventional lube you find in the corner drugstore likely includes endocrine-disrupting parabens. Even some of the "natural" brands still have glycerin, which isn't necessarily a toxic ingredient in other products, but not something you want near your nether regions. Glycerin strips the vagina of moisture, making it raw and more susceptible to yeast infections and even STI's. Experiment with organic brands like Sliquid Organics or the UK-based Yes. Note: Only use water-based lube with latex condoms -- oil will degrade latex, rendering it useless. Keep your coconut oil away from your condoms.

Create An Adult Toy Box

Try sustainable sex toys. Yes, they require power. But that doesn't mean they're less than natural. The pleasure-pioneers at JimmyJane have created a line of sustainable, medical-grade, rechargeable silicone sex toys that last practically forever, unlike the throwaway, pthlalate-laced, plastic dildos of yore. These toys are gorgeous pieces of high-end design that belong on top of your night table instead of hidden in the drawer.

Take It Out of the Bedroom

Do it in the woods. You can, and you should change sexual venues. Find a safe, secluded spot in the wilderness and surrender to the wind and the leaves and the trees.

This article originally appeared on EcoSalon.

Dear Women: Wake the F**k Up

2012-10-22T17:37:25-04:00

Dear Women,

You may be a sister, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a grandmother, a cousin or a girlfriend. Maybe you're just someone that loves a woman. I don't care if you're young, old, just started a family or past menopause -- if you are any of these people, you should know that we are facing the greatest emergency we have in decades. Wake the f**k up right now, or you may wake up some time in 2013 and realize that you've made the gravest mistake of your life. If you have a vagina or know someone with a vagina, things are about to get real.

There are a million distractions competing for your attention, but this one is the most urgent. This is no joke. It's not hyperbole -- it is life-or-death, deadly serious. It's a massive crisis, and if we don't respond in the voting booth in a few weeks, our lives will change, in drastic and horrifying ways.

So I'm telling you right now, my sisters, to WAKE THE F**K UP. Samuel L. Jackson told you that you needed to do this a few weeks ago, more generally. It's all true. But if you've ever used a tampon, or know someone who has, ignoring this election is NOT an option.

Maybe you feel like politics don't matter to you -- you sat out 2000 and and 2004 and even 2008 because it seemed like your life wouldn't change no matter who sat in the White House. But this time it's different, so you seriously need to wake the f**k up.

Stop watching Honey Boo Boo and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Stop reading 50 Shades of Grey RIGHT NOW. Stop worrying about celebrity baby bumps or your own love life. Our culture can't keep us from noticing that our rights, liberties and -- most important in this moment -- control over our own bodies might be taken away.

If you vote for Romney, or if you just don't vote, you are insuring that we all lose our right to choose. Most Americans believe in the right to choose, even though Republicans love to lie about it. Most normal people of all political persuasions want abortion to be legal, available and rare.

What happens if Romney wins? If you're currently pre-menopausal and you have sex with men, you might be forced to bear an unwanted child. You might wake up and realize you've missed a period and begin shaking with fear -- because you have no choice about what to do with your pregnancy. Whether you're married with kids or single and not ready to start a family, every time you have sex you'll be subjecting yourself to the threat of eighteen years of childrearing, or bearing a child and putting him or her up for adoption. Wake the f**k up before this happens to you or someone you know.

You could forget to take your pill, a condom could break, your guy could forget to pull out in time. These are just a few of the reasons we have unwanted pregnancies, but if Romney wins, there may be no option but carrying a fetus to full term. Romney currently says, out loud, that he believes abortion should be legal only in cases of rape, incest or if the life of the mother is in danger. He also said he'd be "delighted" to sign a bill outlawing abortion in all circumstances. (His running mate thinks abortion should be illegal in EVERY instance -- rape or incest be damned.) Are you ready to wake the f**k up?

If your birth control fails and you simply cannot deal with a pregnancy at this moment in your life and opt for a back-alley abortion, you'll be risking your life. This is what women used to do before Roe v. Wade in 1973. This is wire hanger territory. And if the police find out about your illegal procedure or attempt to self-abort, under a Romney administration, you might go to jail. Of course he won't say any of this, but it's what his cronies, people who have donated millions to his campaign, believe. He will owe them everything -- and he'll owe you nothing. So wake the f**k up now, before it's too late.

If you're in your reproductive years, you should be running around with your hair on fire, screaming. You should be walking the streets everyday and telling everyone -- strangers, neighbors, family members, colleagues -- to vote or be responsible for sending women back to the nineteenth century. That was before we had the right to vote and when we were literally property of our husbands. Outlawing abortion is a slippery slope to the elimination of all women's rights -- and it's the most immediately consequential to our everyday lives. Wake the f**k up, sister. Please.

This summer we learned that an influential segment of the Republican Party believe in something called "legitimate rape". Last spring we found out that the governor of Virginia wanted to subject women to transvaginal ultrasounds before allowing them to have abortions. Since 2010, hundreds of awful, terrifying, anti-women laws have passed in local legislatures and more misogynistic bills have been put up in the House. Most of these laws have to do with your body -- from personhood to defunding Planned Parenthood. (I'm not even going into contraception here, but that's another issue that should make you wake the f**k up -- because the Republicans don't just want to make abortion illegal, they want to make it impossible for you to use birth control.) Do not let Romney fool you -- he is on board, one hundred percent. His running mate, Paul Ryan, co-sponsored legislation with Todd Akin (Mr. Legitimate Rape) that redefined the definition of rape -- on the assumption that a lot of women casually lie about their rapes. That's how Romney rolls.

Especially if you live in Ohio, Florida, Colorado, Iowa, Wisconsin, Nevada, Virginia or New Hampshire: WAKE THE F**K UP. Because of the way our electoral college works, those states decide this election. So if you're a woman or know a woman who lives in any of those states -- this emergency is yours to address. We all need to call our neighbors, take to the streets, do whatever we can to make sure Obama wins, but for you, it's about getting yourself and everyone you know to the voting booth on November 6th. (Or before, if your state allows early voting.) If not -- what happens is your fault. I don't think you want that kind of karma, sister.

Especially if you're a (state) swinger, you'll see what feels like thousands of commercials in the next few weeks. They'll try to convince you that A) Romney's views on abortion aren't that radical and B) that it doesn't matter anyway, because the economy still sucks (which is debatable anyway). I ask you, women, even if you've been unemployed and blame it on Obama, do you want to live in a country where having sex could ruin your life forever? Maybe you think, "Hey, I'm middle class, I can afford to fly somewhere to get an abortion should I need one." Really, woman? Do you really want to live in that country? Because if Romney wins, that is EXACTLY where you will live. Unless you're Ann Romney or in the .00001 percent and your private jet will whisk you to Paris for a safe procedure, this matters to you.

I'm not going to bore you with the way the Supreme Court works, which is why this is such an emergency. Republicans are going to do everything to tell you that none of it is true, because they want to win. It's not that all of them hate women, and think we should be barefoot and pregnant (even though a shocking amount of them do want this). The ones that just want to win this thing, because they have a vested interest in wining -- money, power and such -- are throwing all the women in the country under the bus. They're lying to you, ladies, and even though I don't usually pray, I'm on my knees asking you not to fall for it.

WAKE THE F**K UP. And VOTE.

Love,

Stefanie

Monogamy Is a Patriarchal Myth (and Other Things Your Parents Probably Never Taught You) Part 2

2012-10-05T13:25:03-04:00

Til death do us part? Really? That long?

In Part 1 of this story, we looked at whether we as humans were meant to mate for life. If you believe we were, if you can say you’re one of those lucky ladies who got hitched to her peacock -- a stallion in the sack who is also an awesome companion, good listener and all around partner material -- kudos! You marry him, you have kids and then inevitably you find yourself desiring him less. Wait a minute -- why is nature so cruel?

Of the many problems in the conventional model of heterosexual marriage is the opposite trajectory of male and female libido that begins in the thirties. Women enter the prime of their sexual lives, a time when hormones are saying “MORE” and we truly understand our needs, desires and rhythms. But when men hit 40, their libido begins its decline. It’s not necessarily a steep decline (all of this is unique to the individual). But if women’s needs are surging while our long-term partners are beginning to feel less urgent about sex, it’s not an ideal fit. So-called cougars may be onto something deeply biological, something that goes way beyond Demi Moore and Samantha Jones.

I wrote last week about some of my girlfriends and their wandering eyes -- what’s the cure? Some would argue that the only option, if you want pleasure, is to have an affair. Interestingly, the taboos around extra-marital shenanigans seem to be softening. Witness Ashley Madison, a site specifically tailored to men and women seeking non-spousal sex. The Brits have maritalaffair.co.uk. The afternoon visit to one's lover has been a rite of passage for the French for time immemorial. They call it the cinq à sept.

Not all women are up for outright cheating, even if the taboo is dying. It may sound insane at first, but you might be brave enough to have that conversation with your man. First, you must confront whether you’d be okay with letting him have a dalliance, because that may be part of the package. And let’s be frank -- many of us aren’t ready for that. But open relationships were recently covered in the New York Times Modern Love column. A cultural shift, perhaps?

Novelty Items

You can try date-nights, toys, fetish, role-playing, new positions and plenty of other tips and tricks to bring the magic back. If it's just that your husband's dirty socks and the inanity of driving the kids to school everyday that is making you want other men, well then, maybe those tricks will work. It’s true that the issues we confront in our domestic lives make a thrilling sex life challenging. But what’s harder is facing whether what you really want is novelty -- a new, naked person next to you in bed. Because no matter how many times you play Anastasia and Christian Grey, your old man is still your old man. Even if he gladly puts his dirty socks in the hamper every morning.

Other, more radical options: Separation. Memory erasure. Going on anti-depressants (oops, they kill libido).

Rather than focusing on whether it’s time to call it quits when the sex is fading, perhaps we have to face that attraction will inevitably end. Maybe it’s about developing more consciousness around our desires and acknowledging the awesome power of our sexuality, and letting that guide us more in our choices. I realize this completely leaves out the whole, “Do I want to have kids with this guy” thing. (That’s another article.) Serial monogamy is a healthy option for women that aren’t concerned about their biological clock. Facing the tacit acknowledgement that nothing is forever is a pretty bold leap to take, especially in our marriage-obsessed culture, but a lot of us are putting our toes in the water.

So, ladies -- after five, seven, or seventeen years, rest assured your wandering eye does not make you a bad person. It makes you human -- it makes you a woman. Even though it’s complicated, I know one thing for sure: shutting down our desires isn’t the answer.

Note: This post first appeared on EcoSalon.com in a slightly different form.

Monogamy Is a Patriarchal Myth and Other Things Your Parents Probably Never Taught You: Part 1

2012-10-01T19:07:38-04:00

“There’s no denying that we’re a species with a sweet tooth for sex.” -Christopher Ryan

Ask anyone who's married or in a relationship of more than a few years: long-term commitment is HARD. Lately, a few of my married friends have admitted that they're feeling attracted to men who aren’t their husbands, and the guilt is just crushing them. It got me thinking: what makes lust for others start and what (if anything) makes it stop?

Attraction is a force nearly impossible to describe; only poets do it justice. We feel it, we don't spend time analyzing it. And yet so many of us end up in sexless marriages or long-term relationships that deaden over time. Some get the two-year itch, the five-year itch and the seven-year itch. But damnit -- it’s quite an itch, and not scratching it can lead to frustration, projection and depression. Also, divorce.

Here's one answer: we’re not meant to mate for life. There is a growing array of scholarship debunking the myth of monogamy as our natural state, including the seminal (no pun intended) Sex At Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. The authors are a married couple, but that’s by far not the most fascinating thing about the book. The super-micro version of their thesis is that in terms of human history, we just invented monogamy like, five minutes ago -- because we went from hunter-gathers to landowners. Before that, we lived communally and children were raised by the clan.

After the advent of agriculture, men realized that they had to know the paternity of their children to pass on property rights. Thus, monogamy was born a mere 8,000 years ago. (Romantic love came way after this -- the concept was invented in the 17th century. Up 'til then, marriage was a merely a business contract, or so say the authors.)

So monogamy is a cultural myth, and yet so many of us fundamentally believe in "til death do us part." Forget about applying a magical self-help fix here; it's going to take some major consciousness-raising to wrap our brains around these conundrums.

Getting It Right the First Time

Some of us marry people we’re not sexually compatible with because we don’t value our own sexual needs enough; even "liberated" women who have lots of sex before marriage. We buy into the heterosexist view that women must partner up with strong providers, ones that will make good dads, etc. (And some of us need to admit that we're dealing with massive father complexes.) We’re unconsciously parroting evolutionary psychology's conventional view: women are meant to be monogamous, bring up the babes and thus propagate the species, while men are meant to spread their seed. The underlying assumption is that women aren’t really into sex -- we value motherhood and shopping more.

Let’s get something straight: Women are programmed for pleasure. It’s just society’s built-in misogyny that throws a wrench in biology’s plan for us. We’re not taught to value our bodies, our sexuality and our desire enough. Imagine if we taught teenage girls the value of sexual pleasure at their first period? What if we gave our daughters not just a box of tampons -- but a vibrator, too?

But no matter how important it is to honor pleasure, expecting hot sex to be the only foundation for a relationship is rather ridiculous. You can’t always build authentic intimacy with someone you’re desperately chemically attracted to.

Often the one you lust for will not be the one you want to have a conversation with in the morning. (And sometimes, off the charts one-night-stands turn into long-term relationships. There's no map for this stuff; life is messy and unpredictable.) When we know the difference between love and lust and find someone that stimulates both mind and genitals it’s all kinds of magical, but this confluence can feel as rare as a finding a peacock on your fire escape.

This is why so many of us end up with “good men” who don’t know how to properly please us. (Remember that oxytocin released at climax, is the same hormone that floods your body to make you forget the vicious pain of childbirth. It also apparently makes you forget when a guy is great in bed but a douchebag the rest of the time.) Theory: if we can get rid of the Madonna/Whore complex, maybe we can kill off the “boring but good man/sexy bad boy” complex, too.

Read more on EcoSalon.com

Stay tuned for part 2 of this story, coming soon.

Note: This post first appeared on EcoSalon.com in a slightly different form.

Pleasure Is the Revolution We've Been Waiting For

2012-09-08T11:28:27-04:00

Women like sex.

I've been thinking: Buried under the crushing, exhausting weight of all the assorted indignities of the current war on women, maybe it's time to flip the script and go back to the basics. My theory about why all of this inane madness is happening is this: Elite white men are afraid that their god-given power is disappearing. After all, we have a black president, we're on our third female Secretary of State and apparently, women no longer "need" men.

I have a proposition: maybe what we do need is to get in touch with our most instinctual, sexual selves, the selves that could potentially make Rick Santorum's head explode.

So what do women want? And why is it so necessary to ask that question right now?

The short answer is that women's desire is a massive threat to men insecure about their own masculinity. Consider asking the question -- "What do I desire?" -- and then pursuing the answer in the most pleasurable way possible. This may be more than just a fun, enlightening exercise -- it may in fact be revolutionary.

Women who want to get inside their own desire must start by shredding some prevailing myths, beginning with the one about men wanting sex more than women. It’s been ingrained in us to accept that men are so man-like that they can’t help but stare at every pair of breasts within a one-block radius, watch porn in every free moment and masturbate like monkeys. Then there’s the trope about how men cheat because they “can’t help it.”

Cultural construction is not biology. But this is where Cosmo and Maxim come together, creating something that makes you hate yourself and believe that you're at fault for every failure in your relationships. (But at least you've learned how to give really good blowjobs to satisfy and "keep your man." For your own pleasure? Not so much.) The truth is that our bodies were made for pleasure. According to Naomi Wolf's fascinating new book, Vagina: A New Biography, our nether regions are deeply complex, utterly unique playgrounds of pleasure that are able infuse us with creativity and joy.

There's no shame in wanting sex, but women who express their desire at an early age are shamed as sluts. The only women who have the ability to not enter the almighty slut-dome are those who are happily married, actively procreating,and (hopefully) have no desires whatsoever. Women are not allowed pleasure in this worldview, one that's on the GOP platform in 2012.

Let's tell Paul Ryan, Todd Akin and their pals that we like sex and we don't apologize for it. It’s not just for making babies. That if they want to take away our birth control, they'll have to wrest it out of our cold, dead, hands. We’re not making more babies for them to recruit.

Feminist History 101

Women were literally property not that long ago. If you’re coveting or already have an engagement ring, note that it essentially evolved as a husband’s down payment on his soon-to-be-wife. Not only did we belong to our husbands like cattle or guns, we were not allowed to own any property, because we were not considered human beings. Since then we’ve gotten the vote, have been allowed to work outside the home, been set free by the pill and presently find ourselves in a fraught conversation about what it means to “have it all.”

Second wave feminists did some great work, but the anti-porn bit missed one important fact: Women like sex. Going all Lysistrata on men isn't going to solve much except making us all really sexually frustrated. At the same time, we have to push back against the Madonna/Whore complex. We are not Eve, or Pandora or some other hypersexual goddess seducing men to eat our poisoned apples. Nor are we their Virgin Mary. We need to be allowed to simply be women, and not be shamed or idealized for wanting what we want, when we want it.

As long as we're running around botoxing and vomiting up our guts to fit our society's idea of the ideal woman, we cannot have satisfying sex lives, period. We have been mostly the objects, not the subjects, of our love and sex lives, and our culture perpetuates this with every airbrushed model on the side of a bus. We need to learn what it means to want, not simply to want to be wanted.

(This article originally appeared on EcoSalon in slightly different form.)

Read the rest on EcoSalon.

How Weiner's Package Became a National Obsession

2011-06-14T01:05:00-04:00

It's just a penis, people. Americans are great at casting aspersions, but are we willing to look at our own lives? The question that's been swirling around my brain since Anthony's Weiner's package first appeared and disappeared on Twitter over Memorial Day weekend is this: why does it matter? Aside from being slightly impressed by what he's packing, I couldn't care less about his personal peccadillos, his sexual tastes, his online relationships with porn stars and blackjack dealers, his wife's reaction or any of it. It's simply not my business.

We all sext. Susan Lipkin's research shows that people from their teens to their 70s are sending provocative photos and other titillating texts to consenting partners old and new. Single people do it, married people do it (with their actual spouses), and yes, adulterers do it. It's just 21st-century flirting, and for all its drawbacks, it brings the rush of endorphins that we crave before or after a tryst. (For teens, it's another story.) Our online intimacies certainly have major implications for the way we relate one-to-one with other human beings. But for adults, it's not scandalous; it just is.

Yes, Weiner is incredibly stupid for risking his career on this. Men in powerful positions tend to think they can get away with anything (see Vitter, Ensign, Edwards, Spitzer, Larry "Wide-stance" Craig, Foley, etc.). But let's peek between the sheets and see if something else is at play here. Our culture is at once the most sexually repressed and hyper-sexualized on earth. This entrenched Puritan ethos is so prevalent that most of us are running 18th-century software in our brains when it comes to sexual mores. We may be revealing more in public, showing more T & A on the TV, but it seems that the guilt gene is still in charge of our reactions to naked body parts and perceived perversions. It's still not OK to be gay. People regularly refer to sex workers as "hookers" (even some feminists I know do this). It's 2011, and our collective sexual maturity is at the level of a 12-year-old boy. And it seems to be getting worse, not better.

This incident and the many that have come before speak to our obsession with the power of the penis. Maybe now that we've seen Weiner's weiner up close and personal, we can grow up and get over it. Penises are nice, necessary and serve a variety of functions. But they shouldn't run men's lives, nor should they by extension run our media. Imagine if women's orgasms were paid this kind of attention? (My theory: we wouldn't have waged wars of choice twice in one decade if the clitoris got half as much attention as the penis does.)

Hypocrisy and sexual repression are, apparently, a heady, irresistible mix to the media. The afternoon that Weiner's surreal press conference hit the airwaves (shown on every local channel in New York City, not just the 24-hour cable networks), we should have been talking about the five soldiers who died that morning in Iraq or the state of the economy.

Weiner has been a real hero on the left. Despite his recent, extremely moronic behavior, he's proven to be incredibly smart and indispensable when it comes to standing up for the little guy. (I agree with him on just about everything but Israel.) Without him, Bernie Sanders, Patrick Leahy and Dennis Kucinich, we'd have no voice in Congress. And his voice has been the loudest, the most insistent. We can't let this profoundly stupid slip-up ruin a champion of our cause. I trust his district will reelect him, because New Yorkers are not so easily scandalized. And the most recent poll of his constituents suggests exactly that. He may even be the mayor of New York someday. But this frenzy is precisely why Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh are salivating right now: they think that one of their enemies has been taken down of his own volition. Do we want them to get a win here?

Secrets and lies exist because people are afraid that their fantasies, and desires are dirty. So what if we tilted the paradigm and communicated our real needs to our partners? What if we didn't get married for the wrong reasons? What if we taught children that their body parts aren't naughty? What if we opened our minds and created more space for all kinds of sexuality? What if we got behind marriage equality? What if we stopped being so fake and so righteously religious? The first thing that would happen is that our sex lives would improve. There wouldn't need to be any "Good Wives." We'd never be rocked by a sex scandal again, wasting precious air time and resources on a non-story.

It just takes a little consciousness-raising, and it starts with your relationship to your own body. I hate to break out the old "fear versus love" canard, but it's appropriate here. This is our chance to make the personal truly political, starting in our bedrooms. We'll get more pleasure, and change the world in the process.

My Uterus Is Officially Closed for Business and I Have No Regrets

2011-03-23T08:43:00-04:00

Three years ago, when I first started the research for my recently published book "Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable" (Crown Publishing/Ten Speed Press, 2010), I was still planning to have 2.0 kids, au naturel. As a woman who often cries at the sight of infants and coos at her friends' little ones, having biological babies always seemed like an inevitable step. But once I fully wrapped my brain around the relationship of overpopulation to climate change, especially in the West, I made a big decision: I won't bring more kids into the world. I learned that even if I spent the rest of my life recycling, having even one child would increase my carbon legacy by 9,441 metric tons of carbon dioxide. I still crawl around on the floor with toddlers when given the chance, and go ga-ga for goo-goos, but my uterus is officially closed for business. I'll be adopting kids when the time is right.

I'm a freelance writer who makes her living in New York City, and my life doesn't exactly suck. I've got family, friends and endless culture at my fingertips (and, until recently, a long-term boyfriend, so dating is now in the mix again). I'm in my confident thirties, not my "OMG WTF am I doing?" twenties. I can travel, go to dinner parties and parties that end long after dinner is finished. I can take a yoga class when I want to, dance till the wee hours, or just cuddle up in front of the TV. I have the time to be passionate about my various causes (sexual health, sustainability, social and economic justice). I make my own hours and live a life built on my own needs and inspirations. Ain't bad at all.

But if you hold my life up to the lens of our baby-bump-obsessed culture, there' s a planet-sized chasm in my world: the lack of a child. Some parents seem to hold me simultaneously in contempt and awe, something few are willing to verbalize. One friend with two kids once let it slip that he believes choosing not to have children is "selfish." Even though I'm not a traditional "childless by choice" woman (because I plan to adopt someday), I still get constant questions from people of every age: "But when?" and, "Why wouldn't you want your own kids?" as if adopted children are somehow less lovable than one's "own" kids. "You'll change your mind," is a classic comment, usually from older people with teenagers or grown children.

And what about women who've decided that child-rearing, both biological and otherwise, is not on their agenda at all? Imagine how they they feel every time someone says, "But don't you want kids?" or, "Don't worry, you'll change your mind." People react to the idea of women not having children with total incredulity, shock, and worst of all, pity. They assume it's a case of infertility in disguise, a lack of a relationship, or that women without kids "hate children." In the majority of cases, it's none of the above. I'm in a weird category because I do plan to bring kids into my life one day. Still, I feel like it's incredibly important to defend my sisters who are "childfree" or "childless by choice," depending on your preferred parlance.

Lisa Hymas, Grist writer and coiner of the acronym GINK (green inclinations, no kids) has written an enlightening post: "Say it Loud: I'm Childfree and I'm Proud," one in a series all about living childfree. Laura S. Scott, the author of "Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice" (Seal Press, 2009) does a wonderful job of profiling this burgeoning movement of women (and men) who are loud and proud about their childfree status. Especially in a political climate like the current one, where a woman's right to choose is under the most serious threat in history, women who have chosen not to have children need to come out of the child-free closet. Worldwide population will hit the nine-billion mark by the middle of the century, and the GOP wants to cut funding for Planned Parenthood, the organization that does the most to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Hello, outrageous hypocrisy.

It should be acknowledged that there are plenty of people who desperately want kids but can't have them easily -- infertile couples, gay couples, singles who don't want to do it alone, etc. This isn't to diminish their very real emotions about having children. At the same time, we shouldn't be afraid to look at how unhealthy our obsession with children has become. Children are, of course, precious; however, in our society, they are deeply fetishized. Isn't it possible that the massive sadness and mourning that infertile women experience is built, in part, on society's view of them as "barren" women? Why do they think their lives will be empty without kids? It's not all nature, that's for sure.

Take a group of girls between three and five, playing house. Inevitably, one girl will always want to be the mother. Another will dig the "older sister" role. Another will prefer to be the baby. Some even want to be the dad. None of these choices are wrong -- they just are. But as young girls grow into tweens and teens and then young women, our roles are constantly defined in smaller and smaller terms by a society that insists that we're probably not of much value unless we have children. And this socialization is so deeply built into our understanding of our self-worth that it's almost impossible for women to know where they end and being a mother begins.

Plenty of us are probably meant not to have children -- maybe our art is our baby, something to be nurtured and then sent off into the world. Maybe we have a house of rescued pets. Maybe we're off in a developing nation helping people to lead healthy, sustainable lives.

Think about all the abused children whose parents' baggage has become their baggage -- simply because there was no consciousness around having kids. They just did what they thought they were put here to do. Babies and young children are wildly intuitive in ways that we can't even imagine. If they're not exactly treasured -- or worse, seen as a burden -- it's a good bet that they can feel that in their tiny bodies. And even though they can't process it intellectually, just wait until they're grown up.

Imagine, for a moment, if the option of not having kids were talked about in home economics or health classes in high school, just like everything else. If all our children were truly conscious decisions, perhaps we'd have a much happier, psychologically healthier world. And that's not even counting what reducing the population would do for Planet Earth -- making all our lives, the ones we're living right now, safer from the ravages of climate change.

The Nine Commandments of Eco-Sex: Getting It on the Green Way in 2011

2011-01-10T18:34:19-05:00

What's your number one resolution for 2011? If you answered, "getting more action," you're not only honest, you've come to the right post. Perhaps you're green, single, and hoping to hook up with someone on the same page. Whether you're looking to spice up your current relationship or start something new and steamy, here's how start doing it (and doing it well).

Eco-Sex starts with your relationship to your own body. In order to seduce (and allow yourself to be seduced) it always helps to begin with feeling beautiful. The fastest way to get there? Embrace healthy self-care habits, instead of slathering a poisonous brew of conventional, chemical-laden products on your skin, your biggest organ. The vast majority of personal care items for sale at your local pharmacy are just plain bad for you. What's the point of getting gussied up when you're simultaneously killing yourself with toxins that cause cancer and disrupt your hormones? Join the ecosexual revolution and do it the only way you should -- the green way.

Let's Get Radical! What Do We Have to Lose?

2010-11-07T17:28:29-05:00

Now that progressives (and fake Democrats) have been smashed to bits by an election won by corporate wolves in grassroots clothing, where do we go next? Perhaps not where we're expected to go. A lot of my friends, ones that care about human rights, animal rights, social and economic justice, and sustainability, are unsurprisingly depressed right now. But I am happy to say that I have the drug that you're thinking of, and it's not Prozac.

A few weeks before the election of 2010, I found myself on the West Coast, learning about an exhilarating nexus between politics and activism. I was lucky enough to attend the 2010 Bioneers conference, and I'll be back again next year, and the year after that, and so on. It was a life-altering experience, and that's not hyperbole.

Surrounded by brilliant activists in the mountains around Marin County, my hope was restored to November 2008 levels. So what if Obama failed my card-carrying liberal litmus test and gave away the farm in the name of "compromise"? I left Bioneers feeling like the failures of our political process are not even close to the end of the world.

It's easy to be jaded when heroes on the left seem few and far between, partly because of the false equivalency between MSNBC and Fox News. On one hand we have moderate liberals, and on the other, we have radical right-wing extremists. If MSNBC would give Noam Chomsky a prime time slot, Jon Stewart's argument about the right and left on TV would make sense. But the real left isn't on TV at all, so Jon, for probably the first time, has his facts wrong.

Do me a solid. Now that we've brought Keith Olbermann back on the air, turn off your TV and tune into some of the work that's being done in local communities all over the country and the world, and you won't need to self-medicate for the next two years. All is most certainly not lost.

I was impressed by everything I witnessed at the Bioneers, including keynote speaker Jane Goodall who brought down the house with her humor, humility, and a discussion of the work she's now doing with Roots and Shoots, a youth organization working to make positive changes in local communities. I was enlightened by a discussion about Ecopsychology, an emerging discipline that explores the "synergistic relation between planetary and personal well-being." And I was honored to find copies of my book Eco-Sex sold in the conference bookstore.

But most of all, I was blown away by the work of Lynne and Bill Twist of the Pachamama Alliance. They work with indigenous communities in the Amazon regions of Ecuador. But it's definitely not the same-old, same-old. The tribal elders in the Amazon, in concert with Westerners who get it, are working to create a new world in which corporate power is not the dominant paradigm.

This sounds radical, and it is. My mind was utterly blow by the "Giving Rights to Nature: Becoming a Global Movement" panel that I attended on the last day of the conference. The concept of giving rights to nature was written into the new constitution of Ecuador in 2008. They recognize the legal rights of ecosystems. You heard me right. Trees with rights. Rivers with rights. They cannot be plundered because some oil giant CEO wants a bigger corporate jet.

Imagine what would happen if we did that here in the US? That would be the end of oil disasters in the Gulf, fracking, mountain-top removal mining, and all the other disgusting, earth-raping damage done by mega-corporations every single day.

Now this world-changing paradigm is broadening, and although it will take years and lots of blood, sweat and tears by activists and progressive, enlightened lawyers, it's already happening. Trust me, you want to be a part of this.

The next Bioneers conference isn't until next year, but I met a lot of people with sleeves eagerly rolled up. I know that they're back in their communities doing the hard work of making change. Rather than sitting around grumbling about how much we hate Sarah Palin and fear her world-takeover, let's get radical. This is no time for neurosis and navel-gazing. We have serious work to do.

Say Ciao to the Hottest Summer On Record & Hello to an Eco-Sexy Autumn

2010-09-07T12:32:21-04:00

Upon the semi-official end of the hottest summer on record, it's time to start thinking about transitioning to a less steamy, but just as sexy season. Sometimes when you put on clothes, it makes what's underneath even more alluring. That's one of the reasons I'm so excited about the upcoming Green Shows, a gorgeous eco-fashion showcase between September 12th and 14th.

It's a tricky time, while we're still wearing flip-flops and sundresses and dodging hurricanes, but thinking about boots, jackets, potential Halloween costumes, and trading in iced coffee for hot java. I have to admit that I am obsessed with that back-to-school feeling; the smell of sharpened pencils gets me high.

Moisturize

Luckily, I've been turned on to some amazing green products to ease my skin, hair, and body into the cooler season. Year after year, I'm shocked by how quickly my summer tan fades. I was first introduced to argan oil last summer, while I was researching Eco-Sex. It's quite the "it" oil now, but don't ignore it just because it's popular. I totally vouch for it's miraculous properties. Argan comes from the kernels of the argan tree, indigenous to Morocco; the Berber people have used it for centuries. It can be used anywhere on the body, and works as a light moisturizer (a few drops will do ya) in summer, and mixes perfectly with lotions when the air gets drier in the late fall. It's also beautiful for the decollete, under the eyes (for fine lines) and can be used as a hair oil. And I've found nothing better for a fading tan; it keeps everything oh-so-supple. That's just one of the reasons it's one of my fave green products; it's amazingly multi-purpose. The best brands are fair-trade and made by women's cooperatives in Morocco. Argan Oil Tree is one such brand -- their basic oil is perfect. Note that argan has a distinct smell -- I don't mind it, but it's not necessarily pleasant for all.

If you want something a bit fancier and high-end, but still ethical to the last drop, try some of the fabulous products from Kahina Giving Beauty. Although they don't have official Fair Trade status, they donate 25% of their profits to women's initiatives and their packaging is made from recycled materials. I dig their amber glass bottles, both because they're not made from toxic plastic and because they protect the precious product inside. My current fave is their delicious, delightful eye cream. It's taken me all through the summer and I'm sure it'll be rich enough for the winter months as well. I'm very excited to start using their 99.4 % organic serum again as the weather cools -- it's got an extra kick of deep moisture from sea buckthorn and carrot seed oil.

Protect

Next, don't forget to protect your skin from the sun's rays, even though you're not in a bikini on the beach. All summer I've been slathering Luzern Laboratories brilliant broad spectrum, mineral-based La Defense sun block all over my face and body. It's so hard to find products that protect from the sun without awful, harsh chemicals. This stuff is the best I've found for using on its own or under makeup. It's free of synthetics, anti-inflammatory, and has no cakey feel or tell-tale white powder glaze. Luzern is a super pure line that uses a lot of organics in their products. It gets the Eco-Sex seal of approval.

Glowing & Showing the Wonder of Your Hair

In September and October, you're back from the beach and socializing full tilt. Bouncy, shiny hair is a nice plus, but we're often grossly dried out and strawified at summer's end. I am an eco prodcuct-whore, I admit it, but I realize that DIY is greener and always more fun than shopping. We have to wean ourselves off the idea that we can buy beauty, but it's nice to have some tools in our toolbox, isn't it? Try this awesome deep-moisturizing DIY hair mask to get your hair back on track.

(Organic is always best)

One mashed avocado
2 tablespoons honey
3 tablespoons of olive oil

Mix together in a blender, stand over the sink, and apply to clean, dry hair. Make sure all strands are coated. Leave on for 20 minutes, covering in a towel (this gets very messy, be prepared). Wash out very, very carefully, lest you find bits of avocado in your hair a few days later.

Glimmer & Shimmer

Fall is perfect for honing your flirting skills without putting it all out there. If you want to keep a bit of summer bronze in your back pocket, try anything from The All-Nighter line of products. I've been loving their All Over Shimmer Powder this summer. Excellent for bare shoulders and the collar bone on night's out. It's also a lovely highlighter for the face (cheekbones) and even the hair. Speaking of hair, the other product I'm starstruck by is the hair powder (the original All-Nighter). This stuff is amazing for building volume and keeping your hair looking super fresh after you've gone a few days without washing. It seems to last forever. This is one product that's kind of hard to make yourself; paraben-free and made from pure rice and tapioca starches, it's a guilt-free buy. You will likely be an addict, as I am.

Like I say in Eco-Sex, you've got to want to save the world as much as you want to get laid. If you green your routine, you'll save two birds with one stone.

Russell Simmons Hosts Special Screening Of New Independent Film On The Animal Liberation Movement

2010-07-22T11:02:30-04:00

Russell Simmons, music mogul, entrepreneur, and vegan animal advocate will host the New York premiere of the independent feature film Bold Native, the first fiction film about the Animal Liberation Front (ALF), a non-centralized group of animal liberators and economic saboteurs that the FBI calls their top domestic terrorist priority. This special press event and screening will be held on Monday July 26 at 6 p.m. at Anthology Film Archives, 32 Second Avenue (at 2nd Street), in New York City. Doors will open to members of the press at 6 p.m. and the film will begin at 7 p.m. Tickets are still available for the 9:15 p.m. screening.

In Bold Native, Charlie Cranehill (newcomer Joaquin Pastor), an ALF member wanted by the government for domestic terrorism, emerges from the underground to coordinate a nationwide action, while his CEO father (Randolph Mantooth, Emergency) tries to find him before the FBI does. Simultaneously, a young idealist campaigns for more humane treatment of farmed animals on behalf of a large nonprofit organization, and a woman from Charlie's past threatens to undermine his plans.

"We need more creative, fun, impassioned and entertaining movies like Bold Native to drive the important message of animal rights to the masses, " Simmons said.

The film reflects a growing cultural debate about the use of animals for food, clothing, entertainment, and scientific research. It introduces viewers to the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act (AETA) of 2006, a law which enables the prosecution of activists as terrorists if their actions result in economic damage to corporations in animal industries like factory farms, slaughterhouses, research labs or fur farms. In addition to narrative storytelling, the film incorporates undercover footage from labs, farms, and real-life animal liberations for stunning realism.

"The animal rights movement is unique both in seeking to endow rights to sentient beings currently classified as property, and in terms of government targeting, indicting and imprisoning activists, even for involvement in above-ground, constitutionally protected protest activity," said producer Casey Suchan. "The ALF does break the law, but they outright forbid any action that might cause harm to humans or non-humans -- a track record unmatched by even the FBI itself."

"Bold Native is first and foremost an adventure story about people who risk their freedom for the lives of the innocent and defenseless," said writer/director Denis Hennelly. "While it's a film about a serious subject, it's also a celebration of life, so it has a sense of humor and playfulness that people don't expect."

Simmons will be available for interview and photos at 6:15 p.m. and will introduce the film at 7 p.m. A second screening will begin at 9:15 p.m. Following each screening, there will be a Q&A with Suchan, Hennelly, and stars Joaquin Pastor and Nik Tyler and social justice activist Andy Stepanian, who served three years for nonviolent activism that targeted an animal research lab.

About Open Road Films
Open Road Films develops and produces quality movies across several genres. Prior to Bold Native, its most recent film was Rock The Bells, a critically acclaimed documentary on the final performance of hip-hop artists Wu-Tang Clan prior to the death of frontman Ol' Dirty Bastard. Rock The Bells earned comparisons to Woodstock and Gimme Shelter and has been called the best film about hip-hop ever made. Whether documentary or narrative, Open Road Films chooses experience over comfort, daring over safety, and mythology over conventional wisdom.

For press passes please contact rsvp@boldnative.com with "NY Press" in the subject line. To schedule an advance interview with Russell Simmons, Casey Suchan, Denis Hennley, Joaquin Pastor, Nik Tyler, or Andy Stepanian please email Danielle Thompson at press@sparrowmedia.net with "BN Interview" in the subject line.

Here's a preview of the Bold Native trailer:

Kicking Big Pharma Out of the Bedroom and Turning on the Green Way

2010-06-21T12:46:00-04:00

The news that Flibanserin, marketed as the "female Viagra," has failed to do what its manufacturers promised isn't surprising. Even less surprising is that it is purported to cause a laundry list of side effects, including dizziness, anxiety, nausea and insomnia.

As I say in my recently published book, Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable (Crown Publishing/Ten Speed Press) it's time to create a new paradigm of sexual health:

If we aspire to redefine sexual health for a new generation of eco-sexuals, we should start by redefining sexual "dysfunctions" or "conditions." Let's call them "imbalances," with the understanding that we can almost always bring our bodies back into balance with a combination of nutrition, detoxification, exercise and psychological wellness. It's the pharmaceutical industry that wants you to believe that you're "dysfunctional" and therefore must rely on their wares. Before you fall for that line, explore other options.

The myths of "sexual dysfunction" are many. If a person learns that the way they feel is "dysfunctional," the first thing they'll do is reach for a (little blue) pill, or whatever the doctor is currently dispensing. But what if we looked at our sexuality through an entirely different lens? What if we started with our baseline health, instead of instantly running for a pill the moment our bodies fail to perform they way we want them to?

Do you know how much Big Pharma spent on lobbying between 1998 and 2006? A whopping $855 million -- more than any other industry in the US.

The aggressive marketing of Viagra, Cialis and the rest of the drugs in this category are proof positive that making a buck is the point -- improving people's sex lives isn't. If we were healthier in general -- fit, free of diabetes, high cholesterol and the many toxins that make us exhausted, perhaps we wouldn't need a chemical boost in the bedroom. Maybe we'd rev right up at the right moment, without the pusher that is Big Pharma.

Some sexual imbalances may be addressed through diet. Heavy meat-eaters and those that consume too many processed foods are often obese and on a sugar see-saw. Experiment with vegetarianism or Meat-free Monday or if you're more daring, go raw. If that's all too radical, just cut down on the poisons and toxins and adapt a diet based on whole foods instead of nutrient-free processed foods, especially Frankenfoods. Insist on organic and GMO-free produce whenever possible.

Next: get moving. It's nice to aspire to a little boom-boom in the bedroom, but if the rest of your life is sedentary, how do you expect to find the stamina to make it happen between the sheets? (No less to get it up in the first place!) Daily exercise, even walking for thirty minutes a day, can almost instantly change your perception of "sexual dysfunction".

We can get back to health, and subsequently back to great sex, by paying a bit more attention to the way we treat our bodies. Let the sexual healing begin.

It's Time to Get Off the Oil Teat and Suck on Something Sustainable

2010-06-07T14:36:45-04:00

After a month-and-a-half of Top Hats, Top Kills, robots with saws and other absurdities, today the news is that the damaged riser pipe has been severed close to the well. They say that this is good news, but let's just wait a few days to be sure. How many times have we been misled by BP so far?

The vast majority of Americans feel helpless watching plumes of oil filling the Gulf of Mexico, and anger is rising like a tide of fetid fossil fuel. The people of Louisiana aren't just angry, they're livid, and yet the BP executives keep putting on a show and keeping the media as far away as possible. It seems clear that the earliest resolution for this horrible disaster will be August. But we'll be living with the devastating consequences on marine life and fishing communities for many years to come.

It's too late to stem this awful tide, but what if we could prevent future disasters? Obama has finally decided to temporarily halt offshore drilling. But the operative term is temporarily. Oil industry lobbyists are gearing up to make sure the moratorium doesn't last long.

We're absolutely, resolutely, and irrefutably addicted to oil, but not in the way that you might think. It's not all about the way you fill your tank at the gas station. I'm talking about the ubiquitous presence of plastic in our lives everyday, in every way. Look around the room you're in right now. Plastics rule us. They are in the keyboard you're typing on, the mouse you're clicking, the screen you're reading these words on, they're in your TV, your refrigerator, your microwave, your DVD player, your remote control, your suitcase, your contact lenses, your toothbrush, and much, much frighteningly much more. Petroleum is also in shampoo, cleansers, moisturizers, lubes, and just about every personal care item you can name. And many plastics aren't just keeping us on a steady diet of oil -- they are literally making us sick. Welcome to the scary world of phthalates. Check any conventional product in your medicine cabinet that has "fragrance" on its ingredients list, and you can be sure that it's a bottle of endocrine-disrupting poison.

Green chemistry can and eventually will change the game, but until then, it's up to us. So you take a reusable bag to the grocery store -- good for you. That's a nice start, as the bags themselves do more than just choke sea animals -- they keep us tethered to our corporate petroleum overlords. If you're struggling with how to bag your garbage, check out Biobags, the largest brand of 100 percent biodegradable and compostable bags made from GMO-free starch and other renewable resources. I am addicted to these need little bags (the t-shirt shopping bag fits nicely in my under the sink NYC-sized garbage pail.)

You can also drive less, and walk and bike more. (Not just better for the environment, but better for your body.) But here's a totally radical idea. Why not buy less stuff? Consumption is the altar at which we all worship, and it's a big part of the reason that corporations have such a hold on us. Even if you've already seen it, a refresher course in The Story of Stuff is a stark reminder of the hamster wheel that is modern life. It doesn't have to be this way.

Next time you're at your local Walmart, play the "Need & Want" game. Do you truly need what you're throwing in your basket, or do you just want it? Experiment by sticking to your needs for one week, and see what happens. Only in America could we have a show like Hoarders where our lust for stuff has literally become a disease. If we all took an honest look at ourselves and our habits, perhaps we'd discover a small bit of this pathology. It's not innocuous -- it's a condition that is polluting one of our most sacred and beautiful seas right now.

If we say yes to reducing, reusing, recycling, and DIY'ing, we can eventually kick BP to the curb and wash that dirty petroleum right out of our hair.

Like I say in my new book, Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable, it's time for us to break the cycle and find better energy boyfriends.

PETA and Octomom, Together At Last!

2010-03-29T17:04:52-04:00

Always spay and neuter your pets, dearies -- that goes without saying. You gotta love PETA for how far they're willing to go to spread their message (a great message that I fundamentally agree with). But now, according to Treehugger, they've gone and hired the Octomom, the woman who looked overpopulation in the face and gave it the finger. Aside from the other ways in which this woman is clearly disturbed (Angelina Jolie-like plastic surgery, interviews that made all of us squirm), the fourteen in-vitro babies say much about her sanity.

One question I haven't heard tossed around that often in discussions of the Octomom is this: if she wanted so MANY children, why didn't she consider adopting or fostering them? As I discuss in Eco-Sex, we in the West rarely think about the ravages of overpopulation. We instead look at what we call the third world and shake our heads, wondering why the impoverished masses continue to reproduce. Perhaps it's time for Westerners, particularly Americans, to raise our consciousness around this issue. We celebrate (or watch horrified, depending on one's perspective) "19 Kids and Counting" and loved Jon and Kate until their dysfunction became tabloid fodder. But why?

Don't get me wrong, please, because some crazy Tea Partier may throw a rock through my window. I'm not advocating enforced sterilization, a one-child policy, or any other law. One place I don't want the government is in my bedroom. (I love the pro-choice movement's mantra "Keep Your Laws Off My Body", even when used in this very different context.) I'm just saying that perhaps it's time to start having a conversation about how many children we feel we're obliged to have biologically. Where's our consciousness before we get married and start pushing out the puppies? Perhaps one of the reasons psychotherapists are so gainfully employed is because a lot of folks have kids "just because it's what you do". And , perhaps we should look at the divorce rate too. So maybe we consider having two instead of three, if we can't really afford three. Or maybe we consider having one the old-fashioned way, and adopting the other. Maybe we think about fostering a child whose parents are sick, drug-addicted, or unable to take care of their kids for some other reason. Let's get creative about the idea of family and make it ever more inclusive.

I love babies. They are gorgeous and they smell delightful, and they are wondrous to behold. I also love sex. But one doesn't have to lead to the other, necessarily. And the baby that I eventually hold in my arms and raise doesn't have to issue from my loins. A child is a child is a child.