Steven Petrow2013-06-19T08:55:08-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=steven-petrowCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Steven PetrowGood old fashioned elbow grease.Why Same-Sex Marriage Should Not Be Left to the States: It's a Matter of Life and Deathtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29897812013-04-02T18:48:17-04:002013-06-02T05:12:01-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/
Numerous Supreme Court watchers have said that having the justices choose not to rule on Proposition 8, the 2008 initiative that banned same-sex marriage in California and allowing the debate to continue democratically state by state would be the best outcome of the case now before the court.
While that scenario might provide Americans more time to get used to the idea of gay and lesbian weddings, it certainly doesn't take into account the human toll of delaying marriage equality in a place like Mississippi.
For same-sex couples like Crystal Craven and Jessica Powell, it's a matter of life and death.
Ms. Craven, 34, and Ms. Powell, 24 (above at their wedding), caused quite a fuss last month when the local paper in the small town of Laurel, Miss., reported their "Historic Wedding." Even though gay weddings are not legal in the Magnolia State, the couple wanted to have a public celebration of their commitment, and they were in a hurry to schedule it after Ms. Craven was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer a year ago. She wore a white cowboy hat to the ceremony to hide her multiple scars.
The front-page story in the Laurel Leader-Call prompted what the paper's owner Jim Cegielski described as a "hate-filled" response: Many readers canceled their subscriptions, while dozens made angry calls -- including a death threat to staffers -- while the newspaper's Facebook wall was overrun with outraged posts. Mr. Cegielski said he'd gotten more comments about this story than any other he'd ever run. One read: "This is what we have to put up with on the world news every night. Never thought I would open my local paper and see such. Insulting!"
Soon after Ms. Craven and Ms. Powell's ceremony, the newlyweds faced a decision as tough as any a couple might need to make: whether to continue with more chemotherapy or to allow Ms. Craven to live out her last days peacefully at home. "Crystal told me she was tired of hurting, tired of being sick and tired of fighting," Ms. Powell told the Leader-Call.
Deciding to forego further treatment, Ms. Craven died at her parents' home, 43 days after she said, "I do."
Unfortunately, that sad loss was not the end of the story for Ms. Powell. Because Mississippi -- like all states in the South -- provides no relationship protections for same-sex couples, Ms. Craven's parents took control of the service, writing an obituary that referred to Ms. Powell as a "special friend" at the end of the list of survivors and not inviting her to the funeral.
Ms. Powell posted on Facebook during the service, "I was banned," adding: "Tell everybody that I love Crystal [but] I can't come because I would be asked to leave. This is tearin' me apart. If I pull up, I will go to jail for real."
Ms. Powell was not permitted to attend her wife's burial, either. "I'm at the laundromat watching," she posted to her friends from across the street of the Palestine Baptist Church Cemetery while Craven was laid to rest.
When I asked Ms. Powell what she thought about those who think it best if the Supreme Court doesn't decide the case, she emailed me, "I think they should make all states equal. Mississippi is the Bible Belt, and we are discriminated against bad. But people need to realize, for the world to be a better place, (same-sex marriage) needs to happen everywhere. All people need the same rights -- no matter gender, race, or religion or what state they live in."
For many Southerners, like Ms. Craven and Ms. Powell, there just isn't time to wait for equal protection to come to Dixie.
Images courtesy of the Laurel Leader-Call.]]>Queeries: Guess Whose Views Are Coming to Dinner?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17725852012-08-13T15:08:45-04:002012-10-13T05:12:11-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question: "We're planning a dinner party next month when my partner's gay cousin comes to town. The two of them have had a lot of fun being "the lesbian cuzzes" in their very traditional family, but a recent email from her has me worried. She's gone all Tea Party on us. I'm personally appalled, but I'm even more worried that our dinner table will become a battleground, as all the other guests are outspoken, liberal gay friends of ours. How do I head off a blowup?"
Answer: The fine art of hosting a successful dinner party starts with a smart invite list. Who's likely to get along, which guests have common interests, who can keep a good conversation going? It certainly sounds like you've got yourself a lively list, which could make for a spirited and fun evening -- or a disaster.
I understand your worries about your soiree ending up in fisticuffs -- after all that's why traditional manners forbids discussing politics or religion at the dinner table. Still, even if many of our political leaders lack civility, your friends (and family) are civilized people (are they not?). I'd like to think that we can passionately, even vehemently, disagree over political issues without resorting to insults (or injury). Consider this a dress rehearsal.
As the host, you're responsible for all comers to enjoy themselves and to act respectfully. Here's what I'd suggest:
Option 1: Tell your cousin-in-law that you relish the idea of discussing politics, but not at your dinner party. You could also tip off one or two of your nearest and dearest guests telling them that their secret mission (should they agree to accept) is to change the subject when the political heat nears the boiling point.
Option 2: Acknowledge your differences and agree to disagree (at least for the duration of the event). For instance, some families with strong political divisions agree to ground rules before getting together. In your case, consider sending an email to all guests stating that political discourse is off-limits at your dinner. I have a friend who chooses a "safe word" to be used in the event the conversation starts to get too hot; they've managed to have numerous red and blue get-togethers free of politics, drama, and resentment.
Option 3: Seat "Ms. Tea Party" near folks with whom she shares some other interest. Are there other guests who went to school near her home town, who recently vacationed in a place you know she loves, or who have the same passion for mountain biking? A little behind-the-scenes seat engineering can keep the conversation off the usual Tea Party villains -- taxes, regulation and the nanny state -- and avoid mayhem at your table.
Option 4: Be prepared to step in quickly if necessary. Certainly, there's no reason to intervene if two guests are engaging in an animated conversation, but draw the line at any name-calling or shouting. If this occurs, try to interject some thoughtful questions into the exchange. If that doesn't work, ask the hothead to join you in the kitchen "for a moment to help out" and then read her the riot act about respect and civility at your table.
Option 5: Watch the alcohol consumption during the party. The more inebriated your guests become, the more inflammatory their rhetoric becomes. (Or, and I'm just joking, pour double shots for your guests, sit back and enjoy "the show" as your friends eviscerate your partner's cousin.)
Finally, although I know you're worried about this particular guest bringing unwanted opinions to your party, be prepared to protect her. Sounds like she'll be outnumbered at your table, and you don't want your more liberal friends to bully her. Be sure you've got her back -- after all, isn't that what family's for?
Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Remembering David Rakoff: My Blind Date With Him And Other Storiestag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17667702012-08-11T07:34:49-04:002012-10-11T05:12:07-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/
The first update on my Facebook page Friday morning read: "This American Life" contributor David Rakoff, dead of cancer, age 47." An attached link showed David, my first book editor, on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart explaining why he had turned in his book on pessimism and melancholia late; he had developed the new tumor that would eventually take his life. As if by reflex, I turned my office chair around to pickup "David's Box," the hand-painted, glue-gunned wooden box that he'd made especially for me almost twenty years ago. Call it a talisman or just a lucky charm, "David's Box" - two decades later and too many bi-coastal moves to count - always remained within arm's reach.
Before David was my editor, we had been set up on a blind date by a mutual friend for two compelling reasons that spelled "M-A-T-C-H." 1. We were neurotic, each with a therapist parent (although David was much more neurotic than me). 2. We had survived nasty bouts of cancer in our twenties (although David's was much worse than mine). As you can imagine with such an aligned set of interests, the date was a disaster, made no better by the requisite smooch at the end when we made out awkwardly like two pre-pubescent girls. Thank God it was over fast with no lasting damage.
Still, I have to confess: My blind date with David was the best of my life. We became pals and co-conspirators in the cancer club. At the time he was an editorial minion with a cube to call home. I like to say he was "david rakoff" before he became "DAVID RAKOFF." He knew my obsessions (which matched some of his), including my possession of a first edition of Emily Post's Etiquette and dozens of other such manuals, offering me a book contract for my first volume of gay manners. He edited me with a fine pencil and listened to me with the attention of Dr. Freud. In the acknowledgement to him, I noted his "constant belief in me ... and whose friendship and good nature are without equal."
He gave me the "David Box" shortly after he decided to leave publishing to see what he could make of his true talents -- despite his depressive nature and undying pessimism (which became his trademark shtick). The jewel box symbolized his departure, no, rather, the transformation of "david" to "DAVID" who went on to become the celebrated author of Fraud, Half Empty,and Don't Get Too Comfortable (not to mention the heir apparent to David Sedaris).
In the prize-winning Half Empty, his last published full-length work, David wrote:
"[H]anging out does not make one an artist. A secondhand wardrobe hand clothes doesn't make one an artist. Neither do a hair-trigger temper, melancholic nature, propensity for tears, hating your parents, or HIV. I hate to say it - none of these make one an artist. They can help but just as being gay doesn't make one witty ... the only thing that makes one an artist is making art. And that requires that precise opposite of hanging out, a deep lonely and unglamorous task of tolerating oneself long enough to push something out."
As I mentioned at the outset, his box has never left my sight in two decades. It's not as though David and I stayed close friends, but this beautiful and yet raw creation constantly reminded me of my muse and mentor - and the great leaps he had taken in his professional life and the courage in his private one.
Friday morning when I slid the top of the box off I was greeted by the visage of a young, handsome cadet (neither David nor me) affixed to the interior bottom set against a gold and platinum paper patina. For the first time, I noticed the slip of a fortune cookie lying in the box. How could I have missed it all these years? Or had David magically left cookies-with-fortunes for all his friends as he passed away last night?
No matter. I picked it up and read, "The star of riches is shining upon you." Of course, it was there all along, carefully chosen by David to implore me to believe in myself and take some risks of my own. I doubt I would have understood it at the time. But this morning as I read the yellowing paper, I understood that my sweet friend who warned on his last book jacket - "No Inspirational Life Lessons Will Be Found In These Pages" - had done just that. Thank you, David.
A different version of this article originally appeared on Advocate.com.
Photo of David Rakoff via Getty Images
Photos of "David's Box" courtesy of Steven Petrow]]>Queeries: Your Top 10 Sex Etiquette Questions in the Age of AIDStag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17043642012-07-26T15:47:00-04:002012-09-25T05:12:06-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Manners experts rarely visit the bedroom, much less the back room -- at least in print. When they do, it's a disaster. For instance, Letitia Baldrige posits in New Manners for New Times that having "multiple sex partners is the worst of all worlds." Sorry, Tish, but can you spell j-u-d-g-m-e-n-t-a-l? Other advice is noteworthy for its faux sense of security, or for its lack of the "real-world" factor: Who would actually bring copies of their HIV test results to exchange before getting down to business? (It's true that "people may lie" about their status, but... really? And remember, even printed results are only as good as the paper they're printed on and don't reflect what your soon-to-be partner has been up to lately.)
As the XIX International AIDS Conference winds down, it's never been clearer how crucial it is that we remain honest, patient, and respectful of each other -- whether in the bedroom or in any other room you like. Here are your top 10 queries on HIV/AIDS manners:
Question:When do I talk about HIV with a new partner?
Answer: Before your clothes come off or anything gets unzipped. You owe it to yourself and any prospect to talk about your sexual health before having sex (and I mean that in the broadest sense of the word). Be truthful and direct, saying, for instance, "I just want you to know that as far as I know, I'm HIV negative. When were you last tested?" or "I'm poz. Let's make sure we're on the same page about what we mean by safer sex." The bottom line: If you feel intimate enough to have sex with someone, then you're close enough to talk about HIV status.
Question:How do I ask a new boyfriend to get tested?
Answer: Suggest doing it together. No matter your age or experience, sexually active men with multiple sex partners should be screened at least every three months for HIV/AIDS and other STDs, says Dr. Frank Spinelli, a gay men's physician in New York City. Don't consider foregoing safer sex at least until a repeat test three months later (and an agreement to be monogamous and use condoms in the interim).
Question:Is it wrong for HIV-negative guys to "seek same"?
Answer: No. Many guys, whether positive or negative, are into sero-sorting these days -- that is, only hooking up with those of (presumably) the same HIV status. Note that I said "presumably," because being "disease-free" is meaningful only in the moment you're being tested. Candid, up-front personals, such as those on Craigslist or various apps, can help smooth the way for more satisfying sexual (and emotional) relationships. But don't fall prey to this phrase "u be clean and disease-free 2" -- unless you're really into good hygiene. If you're going to take a pass on someone, I say it's better to do so in the virtual world than after you've met in real life, but be considerate no matter the circumstance.
Question:Is it rude to spit rather than swallow?
Answer: Let's talk public health before manners in this case. Says Richard Cordova, Safe Sex & HIV Prevention Expert at TheBody.com, "I like to say, 'Swallow or spit, don't let it sit.'" The risk, he adds, comes from having someone's semen in your mouth. So no, it's not rude to spit if you prefer not to swallow, but whichever option you choose, for once in my life I'll suggest following advice from the Boy Scouts: "Be prepared."
Question: What do I do about a guy who won't wear a condom, especially when I'm really turned on?
Answer: That's easy: Don't have sex with him. If there's any tool we have to prevent the continued spread of the virus, it's the much-maligned, low-tech (but lifesaving) condom. That's a lot easier when you're sober: The potent cocktail of alcohol, drugs, desire, and casual sex is closely tied to new HIV infections, which still total more than 40,000 each year here in the U.S.
Question: I performed oral sex on someone who then told me he was HIV-positive. Shouldn't he have told me ahead of time? Was I at risk?
Answer: It takes two to tango, my friend. Not to do any finger wagging, but if he didn't tell, it was your right (your responsibility, in fact) to ask. Never assume someone is HIV-negative, especially on a first encounter. Instead, presume they're HIV-positive and act accordingly. That being said, many states now require individuals who are HIV-positive to disclose their status to all new partners beforehand. As for your risk:
"Oral sex is considered lower risk than intercourse, but there are documented cases of HIV transmission through oral sex, especially if ejaculation is involved. As a general rule, avoid performing oral sex if you have an active oral herpes infection," says Dr. Spinelli.
Question: The condom broke yesterday while I was having sex. What do I do?
Answer: First of all, don't panic -- and don't play the blame game. Talk with your partner (if you haven't already) about his HIV status and sexual history. If he's positive or hasn't been tested in a while, go to an ER, explain the situation, and ask for what's called PEP, or post-exposure prophylaxis (a 28-day course of an antiviral medication). Even if he says he's negative, talk through the options with a trained medical professional. Says TheBody.com's Cordova, "The reality is that is there are many factors that determine whether an infection is likely to occur. Viral load and whether or not you were the top or bottom are the two biggest." Regardless, if treatment is prescribed, begin medication ASAP, because you only have a 72-hour window to reduce the likelihood of infection.
Question:I had unprotected sex with someone, and I'm too embarrassed to tell him that I have an STD. Can I just text him with the news?
Answer: One way or another, you must get this information to him, and I'll tell you I would not want to see this message pop up on my phone. So make the effort to get over your red-faced self and talk with him. Still, if your embarrassment is too great, then go ahead and text, but ask him to let you know that he received your news; you wouldn't want this information to wind up on someone else's not-so-smart phone.
Question: My friend's partner is ill. I'm worried that it's HIV. Is it OK for me to ask?
Answer: Sorry -- good intention, wrong question. In fact, it's really not a good idea to ask about anyone's medical diagnosis (think privacy). Unless someone has a contagious disease, such as TB or the flu, there's no legit reason for you to know... until he's ready to tell you. Instead, ask your friend if you can help with some food shopping or other chores to lighten his load.
Question:I recently told my parents that I tested positive, and now they've gone and told my extended family without my permission. What do you think about that?
Answer: A good rule of thumb when disclosing your HIV status in the future is to be clear about whether it's private or OK to share. For those on the receiving end of such info, don't be shy: Ask whether you can talk about it (or not) with friends or family, and don't stray. (Note: This is true for any medical condition, not just HIV/AIDS.)
Steven Petrow is the author ofSteven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Mannersand can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: Readers' Remedies for LGBT Lonelinesstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16760652012-07-17T13:55:00-04:002012-09-16T05:12:12-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question:"I'm a 22-year-old, gay, Afro-Caribbean man living in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and I'm at my wits' end in trying to find friendship and companionship. No visible community exists here, and I doubt an underground community exists, either. Online attempts to find "friends" have been disappointing. I'm at a point where I've realized that what I need most now is emotional and physical intimacy, but I'm in a place where this is most unlikely to be found. I'd love to move to a city with thriving communities, like D.C. or NYC, but I lack the resources to do this. How do I cope with this loneliness?"
Answers:
Get out of Dodge. Even if it's a challenge and seems difficult, it will give you a goal to aim for. You should be around people of your own sensibilities and interests. A large percentage of the Caribbean can be very anti-nurturing for gay people, and you probably have very little support there.
Do not give up hope that you will find what you need. There are social sites for LGBT people like you (and me). That is what kept me going, and I was finally able to meet someone on Facebook. I know it must be hard for you. I live in small-town U.S.A., and it was hard for me, too. I sought comfort on the Internet and found that there are many of us out there who have gone through the same. Do not give up hope!
That really sucks, but you have to keep your head up and your heart open. The only way I have found to cope with loneliness is to get to know myself better. I have few people I consider real friends, like literally four or five. Take this time to get to know yourself. Do something you like and get better at it. Pick up a new hobby or skill. Remember, not everyone who is alone is lonely. And don't ever give up on your dreams.
Give yourself some time to find the kinds of relationships you are seeking. You have a long life ahead of you, and so much will happen that you cannot even imagine now. That said, I think that it is important that a lot of LGBT people experience very meaningful friendships and emotional intimacy (even limited physical intimacy) with straight folk. Don't put all of your eggs in the "he's the one and only for me" basket. Live your life to its fullest.
Whatever interests, activities, and hobbies you have should be the foundation for your daily life. They will sustain you. They will make you more interesting and attractive to your potential partner, and it may be that through those activities you find that person. For example, if you are an athlete, train for the Gay Games. If you love to travel, travel to places with large, out gay populations.
Use online sites cautiously. You probably won't find love on sex sites or "dating" sites where guys really go for sex. But some sites like Gay.com have groups and chat rooms based on interests, for example. Trevor Space at the Trevor Project might be another good avenue. Anyways, it probably seems real distressing now, but keep the faith and stay true to yourself. Best of luck!
User-recommended services:
Downelink.com is an online LGBT community that allows users to interact with one another through social networks and resources. Both the site and app are free.
Facebook, the uber social networking site, has tons of groups (many of them local) that can be a great way to meet friends with similar interests or who live nearby. MySpace is a good second alternative.
Gay.com, owned by The Advocate's parent company, HereMedia, operates both a site and app that can be used to find friends (or dates). Both free and premium memberships are available.
EmptyClosets.com bills itself as "a place where you can figure out who you are, surrounded by other people just like you." If you're 13 or older, you can use the service to find friends, start your own groups, and chat about the issues that matter to you. It's for LGBT people as well as those who are "curious" and "unsure."
Steven Petrow is the author ofSteven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Mannersand can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: Dealing With Restaurant Bullies, and an Update on Using 'Mrs. and Mrs.'tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16442222012-07-03T15:28:00-04:002012-09-02T05:12:16-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question:"My partner and I were in a quiet restaurant trying to have dinner near two straight guys, one of who was carrying on a very loud, endless cell phone conversation. We asked them to keep it down. Then one of them, drunk and obnoxious, came over and tried to pick a fight. He leaned over our table and started to "gay bait" us. Do we: 1) tell him to f*ck off, 2) engage in the verbal battle, 3) ignore him, or 4) accept the invitation to step outside to duke it out?"
Answer: The best choice is: 5) Ask your server for assistance -- which you did, as I understand from our follow-up conversation. You wrote, "I asked the waitress if she could talk to the cell-phoners and she was very uncomfortable with that -- and it continued. Finally, one of the guys comes over to our table and says, 'Let's go outside, I am going to smack you one.' The exchange continues and he then leans over the table, in my face, and threatens: 'If you are nice I will show you my big fat d*ck.' I respond: 'Did you say that because we are gay?'"
At this point the situation has become completely out of hand. So let me back up before diving in, because this kind of potential explosion needs to be defused before it gets to DEFCON 1 threat level.
You know those signs in restaurants and stores everywhere that say, "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone"? This is precisely why they exist, so that management can throw obnoxious, homophobic bullies out on their rear ends with impunity and no liability.
When encountering rude or intrusive behavior in public venues, your best bet is to have someone in authority run interference for you. In a restaurant that's your server; in a theater it's an usher; on a plane it's a flight attendant. I can understand why your server was reluctant to put herself in the line of fire, but she should have taken it up the food chain, to the host, maître d', or manager. If she refused to act, you, too, could have escalated the complaint to the manager on your own; that's one of the reasons managers are there, to manage situations like these. When it comes to putting the lid on someone disturbing the peace, a request (or threat) from the staff does the trick 98 percent of the time.
If management won't intervene, or if the big mouths won't stop, you have a couple of choices, including pulling out the video cam on your smartphone and alerting the jerks that it's time for their close-up: "Did you hear what's happened to those bullies who picked on the grandma bus monitor? You, too, can become an overnight YouTube sensation if you don't leave us alone." Still, I would recommend this only for big mouths, and not big fists; once a physical confrontation is imminent, you don't want to provoke someone further.
In your case your loudmouthed neighbor (no doubt emboldened by some rocket fuel) upped the ante once he said, "I'm going to smack you one." That changed an etiquette problem for management into a threat to be handled by the police. As anti-gay bullying experts will tell you, verbal abuse often leads to violence, especially when alcohol is involved.
So, safety first, and:
Do not leave the restaurant to "take it outside," and don't antagonize them further. Just calmly dial 911 and report that you're being threatened.
Don't exit the restaurant until police arrive, even if the bullies take off, as they might be waiting for you outside.
Make sure you give your name and address to the dispatcher so that they can follow up with you.
Get a written police report, with witness statements, to get the incident on record and to hold the restaurant staff accountable for their failure to intervene.
As for the restaurant, I'd take to social media after the fact and write up your experience on Yelp or Chowhound. Any establishment that leaves a patron to fend for himself against an abusive bully deserves what they get on a public pillory. By the way, under these circumstances you certainly had my permission to leave without paying your bill. I hope you did.
Bonus Question: "Is it ever proper to address a married lesbian couple as 'Mrs. and Mrs.'?"
Answer: Ha! I've gotten this question in my mailbox more than half a dozen times in recent months, especially as there seems to be more of a trend of both lesbian and gay couples taking on one of their family names. A couple of years ago, when I answered this question, I suggested, entirely tongue-in-cheek, that we revert to the French and deploy "Mesdames" for such a situation. But times move on, and now when Helen Schiller marries Marguerite Rivera, they may become the Schillers (or the Riveras). They may be properly addressed, if they so choose, as Mrs. and Mrs. Schiller, or Mrs. and Mrs. Rivera.
Steven Petrow is the author ofSteven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Mannersand can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: The Delicate Challenge of How to Lose Someone at a Bar... Politelytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16057312012-06-18T11:24:39-04:002012-08-18T05:12:12-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question:"Last Saturday at a bar I had some guy hitting on me, but I wasn't interested. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but I didn't want to talk with him for one more second and he was NOT taking a hint. Help -- what's the polite way to ditch someone?"
Answer: Mr. Manners remembers when he worried about this problem -- "back in the day," before the Internet and all those dating apps that let us ignore unwanted winks, pings, or pokes. (Giving the the cold shoulder to those digital come-ons is perfectly fine "e-tiquette," by the way.) Still, I understand that some of you kids still go to clubs and meet people by actually speaking to them first. Such risky business!
Let me start with some un-approved ways to handle a bore -- or a boar.
WORST:
Don't tell him (or her) that you're going to the restroom or to get another cocktail and that "you'll be right back" when you have no intention of coming back at all. That's just rude for starters, and it may not even work, since he may walk with you, offer to get you that next drink, or seek you out again later, leaving you with your barnacle still attached.
Don't say that you have rabies, scabies, or some dreaded STD, especially when you don't; word travels fast and that could 86 your chances with anyone else that evening.
If you don't want to be a complete boor yourself, try these slightly more political strategies:
BETTER:
"Thank you so much for your interest, but I am involved with my spirituality at this time and self reflection." (They will run from you!)
Pretend to see someone you know on the other side of the bar, make a faux wave, and say, "Oh excuse me," and don't wait for a response, just walk away with your drink. That's a classic brush-off.
Casually mention your have a boyfriend or partner (even if you don't). That should do the trick (unless he's interested in a three-way). If he's still breathing down your neck, you'll have to add: "And we're 100 percent monogamous."
If you've been watching VEEP, this one is for you: Pretend that you've got a text or phone call from a friend (the Julia Louis-Dreyfus character is always taking fake calls from the president as a way to squirrel out of a tight situation) and start chatting, giving your pal the "go-away nod."
A high-tech variant of the previous option: Sign up for FakeGirlfriend.com and when the need arises, text your fake girl and "she" responds in a few minutes. Then, you can say, "Oh, that's my girlfriend telling me she'll be here soon!" (Works for guys, too.)
Finally, some two thumbs up ways to end the encounter:
BEST:
How about being straightforward, which is not necessarily the same as being brutally honest? That way you don't have to worry about keeping your story straight, going outside to smoke when you don't smoke, or inventing a fake dental emergency.
"You seem very nice, but I'm really just here to hang out with my friends," or "I'm very flattered but I'm not really looking for anything -- or anyone -- tonight."
"I've enjoyed talking with you, but I'm going to walk around a bit" or, in the same vein, "I don't want to take up too much of your time. It's been nice sharing a drink with you." (See how considerate you are!)
Talk endlessly about your work, which should give them a clue that you're not interested -- or bore them to tears. One of my Facebook fans added: "That usually makes the ladies walk away from me, especially because I slaughter farm animals for a job." (I think she really does).
What are your bar stories? Let's hear them below in the comment field. Happy hunting.
Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: How to Celebrate Father's Day When Your Kid Has Two Momstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.15867952012-06-11T12:15:22-04:002012-08-11T05:12:07-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question:Our son, who has two moms and no dad, came home from school this week and said that his fourth-grade class will spend an hour making Father's Day cards. He didn't know what to say to the teacher. How can we help him here?
Answer: These days, most North American families don't conform to the classic model of the nuclear family, so not having a father at home is a pretty common scenario. When push comes to shove, it doesn't really matter whether it's a single mom raising her child alone, a mother who's been widowed or a pair of lesbian moms: a family is a family, with or without a dad around.
Fortunately, many school districts have reacted to changing circumstances by modernizing this little ritual (along with its counterpart, Mother's Day), either by changing its name to "Parent's Day" or simply by letting the kids make a card for any relative, teacher, or role model.
That said, I don't think this is a circumstance where you should make your child do the talking (not at his age). If you haven't spoken to the teacher previously about your two-mom family, use this as an opportunity to do so. (By the way, it's wisest to approach this topic much earlier in the year so you can develop a plan, not only for Father's Day, but for any circumstance where your son might be called out for being different.) Explain that your son is uncomfortable with the assignment, and suggest some options for doing things differently (if the teacher doesn't take the lead on that). In your case, that could be a Mother's Day card to both of you in May and a special card for a favorite uncle or godfather on Father's Day. Ideally, the teacher will agree to make sure that the assignment suits any family situation.
You might also want to have a private talk with your son to allow him to express his feelings about not having a father. Tell him again how much both of his moms love him and the family you've formed; but also tell him that you understand how he might miss having a dad. Acknowledging his feelings (which may have something to do with why he told you about the card project in the first place) doesn't make your family any less valid or loving.
It's also a good time to remind everyone -- your son, his teacher, yourselves -- to be on the lookout for any potential name-calling or bullying because of your sexual orientation. As an example, my niece, who has two moms, was confronted by an acquaintance at camp who told her it was "disgusting" that she didn't have a father. My niece stood her ground, but it's so important for kids in these situations to be supported by those in charge. You can also bet that the hostile young camper didn't have gay-friendly parents, which is no doubt where the problem started. By contrast, I just love what Gwyneth Paltrow wrote not long ago on her website Goop.com: "When my daughter came home from school one day saying that a classmate had two mommies, my response was, 'Two mommies? How lucky is she?!'"
How's that for a role model?! Happy Parent's Day to one and all!
One last note: If you haven't already seen the very special JC Penney Father's Day ad check it out here; it features two real life dads (Todd Koch and Cooper Smith with their two young 'uns). The ad copy reads: "First Pals: What makes Dad so cool? He's the swim coach, tent maker, best friend, bike fixer and hug giver -- all rolled into one. Or two." Two snaps to JCP.
This article originally appeared on Advocate.com.
Image: IStockPhoto.com
Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: The Gay Pre-Nup Is Realtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.15531892012-05-29T16:20:23-04:002012-07-29T05:12:04-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/ Question:My partner and I have been together for about five years, and now we're planning our wedding. I've always earned more than he does, and I also have some family money, a retirement fund, and some real estate that I inherited from my grandparents. I've always been happy to share everything, but my lawyer is insisting that we have a prenuptial agreement now that we're making it legal. I don't know how to even ask my partner about it, much less to sign it. After all this time, it seems kind of... crass? What's the "right" way to go about this -- if there is one?
Answer: Congratulations on the wedding bells, and welcome to the new world of marriage equality -- which, alas, also includes divorce equality. Of course, nobody likes to think about breaking up while they're writing vows and picking centerpieces, but I can definitely see your lawyer's point about protecting your assets. But a fair pre-nup should also provide safeguard to your partner, and I hope your lawyer recognizes that.
Let's face it: LGBT couples have long taken informal, even "squishy" approaches to how they manage their money, since their relationships were extra-legal. Couples who moved in together generally embarked on a step-by-step, negotiated financial journey. In the past, if and when one of them moved out, they'd split up the CD collection, bicker over how to divvy up the checking account, their silverware, and friends, and then went their separate ways. If serious differences arose about how to do the math, they were pretty much on their own. Without a legal marital relationship to define who was entitled to what, exes just had to work it out themselves, and some got badly burned. Some savvy couples have had legal "partner agreements" drafted to codify their financial obligations and specify what would happen in the event of a breakup, but those were the exceptions to the rule.
Marriage changes all that. When you say "I do" -- in the eyes of the state -- you're not only getting the benefits of matrimony, you're also committing yourself to a state-defined legal relationship, with rules about your financial obligations during the marriage and also about what happens in the event of a divorce. (As with straight couples, these vary state by state.)
This is no time to be squishy, especially when one partner is better off financially than the other. Since your assets include family money and inherited property, it's especially wise to put an agreement in place that protects both of you. I'd suggest that you find a time, as soon as possible, when the two of you are alone and not distracted, and raise the topic.
In fact, start the conversation well before your wedding day to avoid unnecessary drama and urgency. And don't pull out a pre-written agreement the first time you bring up the subject. That would only convey to your partner that he's not a part of the process, and that you've already worked it all out with your lawyer. Remember: this isn't something to impose on him, but rather something to be discussed and agreed upon mutually. Once you start to talk about what you would each expect to happen in the event of divorce, you'll probably both conclude that you need legal advice -- if nothing else than to help you understand what would happen in your state if you don't have a pre-nup. (By the way, most states require both parties to have separate legal representation in drawing up a pre-nup. Think about it -- it wouldn't really be fair if you were the only one with an attorney. I actually know some couples where the better- off partner has covered the legal fees of his fiancé.)
But how do you start the conversation? Begin with, "I've been thinking about our financial future together, and I think it's a good idea to talk about the benefits of a legal agreement -- for both of us. I expect us to stay together forever, of course, but I also want both of us to be protected in the event we divorce." (By the way, I'd avoid using the term "pre-nup" since it's so freighted by straight marriages gone down the drain.)
Give your partner some time to digest this news -- it will likely come as something of a surprise -- and then do some explaining. Reiterate that this is not just a selfish move to protect your assets, but that pre-nups can also stipulate who pays how much of the rent or mortgage (you may agree to pay more), how vacations are financed (perhaps you'll be on the line for the lion's share), or that you promise to pay for your partner's advanced degree. As one gay man with a wealthier lover explained to me, "At first I was appalled that he would ask me for this. But the more we talked, the more we both understood our financial fears. Now, if we break up after five years, I get a pretty good payout. I wouldn't have had that before the agreement."
In the end, be reasonable and be prepared to make concessions; after all this is a man you've both loved and lived with for five years. Whatever you do, don't coerce your partner into signing something he's not comfortable with. And if you hit on some particularly thorny or emotional issues, find a mediator to talk things over with. Mazel tov!
Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: To Boycott North Carolina or Not? That Is the Questiontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.15222932012-05-17T22:15:00-04:002012-07-17T05:12:20-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question:I know there's a lot of anger in the wake of the passage of Amendment 1 in North Carolina. For instance, one of my friends on Facebook posted this: "Gay people: Get out of the South. Boycott it. Don't give the people of those states another dime of your hard-earned tax dollars. Let those brain-dead, backwards, fat-ass f**k-tards steep in the stench of their simple, illiterate culture, pray to a God who wouldn't claim them, and die their chicken-fried diabetic deaths without the benefit of tasteful funeral flower arrangements." Aside from the severity of the name-calling, I think he (and others) are right in calling for a boycott of the Tar Heel State. Do you agree?
Answer: As a North Carolinian, believe me, I share the same sense of disappointment and anger at the passage of this mean-spirited and bigot-inspired amendment. And we are certainly not alone. Soon after the vote the "Visit North Carolina" Facebook wall was inundated with such extreme vitriol (from members of our community) that the page's administrators asked posters to "refrain from using profane or disrespectful language." But as I've said before, hateful language, no matter who speaks it, gets us nowhere, fast. As for the boycott idea, yes, there are lots of raised voices calling for such a move, but I'm not persuaded, and I don't think you should be, either.
One of the loudest of those voices is former actress Roseanne Barr, now running for President of the United States (yep, you read that right) as a member of the Green Party. Barr first called for Hollywood's production companies to boycott the entire state, later deciding to narrow it to the 93 counties that voted in favor of the amendment. Others less famous than she have also supported a boycott, advocating, "Hit them where it hurts: in the wallet."
Boycotts most decidedly have a place in the history of social change, notably during the civil-rights era of the 1960s. These nonviolent and targeted campaigns (think Woolworth's in Greensboro, N.C.) were certainly effective (both the literal and metaphoric lunch counters were finally integrated). The broader they are, though, the weaker they can be (think Arizona in the wake of its new immigration law). So the first argument against a boycott is that it's not likely to be terribly effective.
And why single out North Carolina, which is only one of 31 states that now have constitutional amendments prohibiting same-sex marriage? After all, this is a national problem (remember that itty-bitty law called the Defense of Marriage Act that prevents the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages?). Most importantly, how would such a movement help to change the hearts and minds of the Tar Heels who voted in favor of Amendment 1? It wouldn't. It would only harden them.
What would be the effect on our community and our supporters? For starters, a boycott would punish the 39 percent of the voters in North Carolina who voted against its passage, not to mention LGBT-owned businesses, too. I asked Mark Kleinschmidt, the openly gay mayor of Chapel Hill, for his point of view, and he emailed: "After taking the hit we, the NC LGBT community, took May 8th, the last thing we need is to be abandoned by the rest of the country." He also rightfully pointed out that the major tourist destinations in the state -- the Outer Banks; the Triangle of Raleigh, Durham, and Chapel Hill; Charlotte; and Asheville -- all resoundingly defeated the amendment. So, we're going to punish those communities? I don't think so.
But that doesn't mean you can't put your money where your mouth is -- or at least take your cash away from those who use it against us. That means looking carefully at the money trail here: You won't find the equivalent of a local Woolworth's to boycott as payback for this one. Instead, you'll find a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma -- or at least groups inside organizations inside PACS. In fact, Vote for Marriage NC, the leading force behind the pro-amendment movement, got much of its money from other groups, including the National Organization for Marriage, the Christian Action League, the NC Values Coalition, the First Baptist Church, and the Roman Catholic Diocese of Raleigh. Those big bucks from the National Organization for Marriage (an anti-gay group that won't disclose its donor lists but that has been closely linked to both the Mormon Church and the Roman Catholic Church, specifically the Knights of Columbus) made up almost 30 percent of donations to Vote for Marriage NC. (Vote for Marriage NC also got a whopping quarter-million dollars from Phil Drake, president of Drake Software, so you may want to think twice before you buy his tax program.)
On the other side, money spent to fight the good fight against Amendment 1 came from an extremely wide range of individuals, making it truly a grassroots campaign. Support also came from the Human Rights Campaign, which is always grateful for donations that allow them to do their important work.
Finally, when you do exercise your right to shop, remember that there's no way of knowing how a business owner voted, or where his or her donations went. You can, however, make your presence as an out LGBT person known -- telling the owner or manager that you're spending your hard-earned "gay dollars" in that establishment. As Stuart Campbell, executive director of Equality NC, told me, "Rather than boycott North Carolina, we need people to stay engaged in the fight for equality in North Carolina."
Steven Petrow is the author ofSteven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Mannersand can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: Funerals as Fundraisers?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.14996332012-05-11T11:37:00-04:002012-07-11T05:12:13-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question: The New York Times recently did a long article on a gay psychotherapist who committed suicide, ostensibly because he had trouble accepting his age as he approached 50. Ironically, he had just finished writing a book about smart strategies for aging in the LGBT community. While terribly sad, I was puzzled by the invitation for his memorial service (posted on his Facebook page), which read:
To celebrate the life and memory of Bob Bergeron, a benefit for SAGE [Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Elders]. If you'd like to donate please go to [link]. Save the Date: The afternoon of Saturday, May 12th, NYC location TBD.
Isn't turning someone's death into a fundraising opportunity rather inappropriate?
Answer: I read that Times story, too, and my heart broke for Dr. Bergeron and the dark place he must have found himself in. His friends and family have my deepest sympathy as they work through the aftermath of this tragic end to his life.
In many ways our community has historically taken the lead in creating new ways to remember, celebrate, and mourn the dearly departed. As an example, the Celebrations of Life that are fairly common now were born from the saddest days of the early HIV/AIDS epidemic. And as much as I appreciate innovation, this new practice of positioning memorial services as fundraising opportunities strikes me as setting the wrong tone. Not surprisingly, this is not the first time I've heard of a memorial service turned funeral fundraiser. In fact, Chipin.com is one of several services whose mission is to raise dollars in memory of the deceased. Another, CharityWeb.net, promises it "can take your vision and turn it into a funeral fundraising success."
I have to say it: Yuck!
Funerals and memorials are a time for friends and family to come together to remember and celebrate the deceased -- with no price for admission. It would have been more seemly for the invitation to focus on the time and place of the service, with a line at the end saying, "In lieu of flowers, the friends and family of Dr. Bergeron suggest a contribution to SAGE to support the good work they do for LGBT elders." (It's a group I also heartily endorse.)
I did ask Michael Adams, SAGE's executive director, for his thoughts on the matter, and he emailed me:
I have been to numerous services over the years where charitable contributions have been suggested and have always found that they are a very meaningful way to honor loved ones who have passed... We deeply respect and are grateful for the underlying intent -- I would think that's what's most important.
Of course, I totally agree, and I was also glad to hear that no one will be turned away if they fail to make a donation. As for the "save the date" language, though, I'd strike it altogether. That's mostly associated with weddings and galas, not this type of terribly sad gathering. Announcing the date, with a line that said, "Details to follow," would have been more appropriate.
Perhaps the best way for any of us in the LGBT community to memorialize Dr. Bergeron would be to reach out to an older gay friend who may be suffering from some of the same fears and dark thoughts that claimed Bergeron's life. Many LGBT folks who are turning (or have passed) 50 have moments of anxiety about aging, especially if they're not in a long-term relationship. A little reassurance about the steadfast support of friends just might help someone else get through a tough time, and help prevent another tragic death. It's not only teens and 20-somethings who need to hear the "It Gets Better" message.
Steven Petrow is the author ofSteven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Mannersand can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Straight Talk: Friends Don't Text Friends When They Should Calltag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.14489662012-04-24T16:02:00-04:002012-06-24T05:12:01-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question: I was having a hard week at work, and on top of that my girlfriend started making noises about our "slowing things down." I really needed to talk, and I called one of my (supposedly) best friends to vent. She didn't pick up, even though I think she was home. And she didn't call back, even though my message was clearly urgent. Instead she sent an email the next day asking what was up. ("How r u? Let's talk.") Isn't it bad manners to return a phone call with an email, especially to a friend in need? I'm pissed.
Answer: I'm with you. Protocol suggests you return any message via the same medium in which it was sent. Think of it as "an i for an i." Even a quick text from your iPhone deserves at least a text back, and a phone call requires a return phone call. That doesn't mean you can't email a quick note (or send a text) when you pick up a voice mail to explain that you're out of town or that you're stuck in a meeting or in the middle of a therapy session. You still need to return the call in a prompt manner (which is 24 hours for non-911 situations, by the way).
Your friend also could have called back (or even picked up) to say, "I'm in the middle of something right now, but I can tell from your message that you're upset. When can we talk?" That would have allowed her to ensure that you didn't need her help that very second (to drive you to the hospital, say, or to stop you from doing anything drastic). But it also lets you know right up front that she needed to finish what she was doing (filing her last-minute taxes, or putting the baby to bed). Your feelings wouldn't be hurt if she'd put off your relationship crisis for a few hours because she was in the middle of a plumbing crisis, would you?
I also understand why you're upset that your friend passed the call back to you to return, because that puts you back at square one in seeking attention -- oops, I mean a sounding board. I actually wonder if her response isn't a passive-aggressive dodge to avoid talking with you. Is it possible you've been overdoing it on your emotional unloading? She may love you to pieces, but if this is your 30th straight call to vent about your love life, she may be tiring of it just a wee bit. I'm just sayin' -- or asking.
What you can do is schedule a "phone date" with your friend, rather than expecting her be available for a gabfest without notice. Those days of phone spontaneity seem long gone, and I actually find myself texting friends ahead of time to see if they're available to talk. Even though we have chat, Facebook, direct Twitter messages, texting, email, and so on, friendships are so personal, and so valuable, as to deserve a little off-the-grid time. When it's time to really reach out and touch someone, do it by phone.
The other option is for your friend to have emailed, "I'm crazy busy now; let's schedule a time to talk about your relationship. When's good for you?" These days it seems almost impossible to reach anyone on the phone (at least that's what my mother says about reaching me), which is why we've devised the "phone date" concept. In my book that's a fine option. The bottom line: Friendships cannot live in email alone.
This column originally was published on Advocate.com.
Image: iStockPhoto.com
Steven Petrow is the author of Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners and can be found online at gaymanners.com. Got a question? Email him at ask@gaymanners.com, or contact him on Facebook and Twitter.]]>Queeries: Should You Come Out As Tattooed?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.14400872012-04-20T21:10:00-04:002012-06-20T05:12:02-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question: Over the years I've gotten a number of tattoos, and they've really become a part of my identity. Most of them are not visible when I'm in work garb, but some of them are, especially when I roll up my sleeves. My boyfriend says I should cover them up when I start job interviews next month. I say an employer shouldn't care about my body art. What do you suggest I do?
Answer: Do what your boyfriend says and cover them up. That's my short answer, but I also have a more nuanced take.
As a rule, you don't want the first impression you create to be the reason you don't advance to the next level. You want to sell yourself without distraction, and without a hiring manager making a conscious (or unconscious) judgment about your professional skill set based on some ink.
I know that you're objecting vigorously, saying that your tattoo is "part of your identity" and that there are all sorts of negative and untrue stereotypes about those who sport them. You're absolutely right, of course, but please take heed of a recent Careerbuilders study in which 42 percent of managers said their opinion of a job candidate is lowered by visible tattoos. Three-quarters said tattoos are unprofessional. Remember, you're choosing this job because you want it, right?
Having said that, though, much depends on what kind of job you're applying for: Are you an attorney seeking an executive position with Exxon-Mobil? A software developer interviewing with Google? An actor auditioning for a barista role at Starbucks? Ideally, you'd check out the company beforehand to see how folks dress in general, and for your position specifically. Look at the company's website: How are folks dressed? Do you see any visible tats (or body piercings)? Is there a posted dress code? (Yes, many companies and municipalities still have these.) For instance, the U.S. Postal Service, Starwood Hotels, Geico Insurance, and Denny's won't hire those with visible tattoos, according to their dress code policies. Knowing what kind of work environment you're interviewing in will give you a major clue about whether, and how much, to cover up.
In fact, there are times and industries where visible tats are actually a selling point, especially at companies looking for creativity or individuality, or trying to attract younger workers. A recent Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology article reported that about half of people in their 20s have either a tattoo or a body piercing (not including traditional earrings) and the percentage continues to rise. Fortunately, dress codes continue to evolve.
So have I persuaded you to cover up, at least for the first interview? And after that you can let it all hang out, right? On my Facebook page, one poster suggested that covering up "shows adaptability and maturity, but then once you've got the job go ahead and let your freak flag fly." A gay PR professional in Los Angeles agreed, adding, "I always cover my ink for new business meetings. Once I've had a chance to prove myself for my skills and experience, then I feel it's OK to discuss the [art] work, or have my sleeves rolled up for a meeting."
Alas, not so fast. I wish I could tell you that, once hired, you'd be judged for the work you do, the attitude you bring with you, even your network, and not for your appearance. If only life were like that.
Let's say you're at a company picnic in a tight-fitting T-shirt, revealing that beautiful ink work that crawls down your shoulder and forearm. What happens if your manager (or hers) is one of the Neanderthals when it comes to visible tats? Because most of us are "at-will" employees, you could be fired as a result, with no legal recourse. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission allows employers to impose dress codes as long as they don't discriminate against your race, color, religion, age, national origin, or gender. Visible body art is not delineated, and you are not protected.
Sure, you say that's not likely to happen (and you're right), but it has. Or you could find yourself unexpectedly fired for another reason. Personal use of email at work is one of the most common excuses these days. Even if you don't get fired, you could find yourself slipping in your manager's estimation, which could stunt your job growth.
If it's crucial to you to show off your ink, then be prepared for any possible consequences. That may be OK with you, as this Facebook poster wrote, "I personally never want to work for a company ... that wouldn't accept me for the work I do rather than the work I've had done on my body. I know that that might be a bit idealistic, but it's just the way I think about it."
Or you could take your boyfriend's advice (and mine) and cover up until you're sure the coast is clear, if it ever is, saving the tat display for your personal time.
This article originally appeared on Advocate.com.]]>Just the Facts on North Carolina's Marriage Amendmenttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.14012892012-04-04T12:02:00-04:002012-06-04T05:12:02-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/This piece was written with Chuck Small
Washington, Maryland, New Jersey, New Hampshire. So far this year, the bumpy road to marriage equality has played out in four states, with wins in three, and an unsurprising veto in the Garden State by Republican Governor Chris Christie.
Next up, North Carolina's voters head to the polls on May 8 to vote on Amendment One, a constitutional instrument that would bring the Tar Heel State in line with all its Southern neighbors in codifying discrimination against not only its LGBT citizens but all its residents. As in other states where this battle has raged of late, the vitriol has been high, opinions are voiced as fact, and efforts to obfuscate the impact of the Amendment widespread. This perfect storm was in evidence recently when The News & Observer of Raleigh published an op-ed titled "The Case for the Marriage Amendment" by John Long, a software engineer.
The public outcry to Long's op-ed was overwhelming, leading the paper to publish letters on its blog that same day. Repeatedly, the letters highlighted the "misinformation," "falsehoods," and "assortment of illogical and factually mistaken elements." This troubled us, too -- the blurring of the line between fact and opinion, but also between fact and fiction, which is why we think it's important to clarify what Amendment One is, and what it is not.
While we certainly hope that North Carolinians will reject Amendment One, we also hope, regardless of their position, that voters will make their decisions based on facts, with fiction kept in its proper place: novels.
Assertion 1:"For most of my lifetime, gay marriage was never a consideration. Neither was it a consideration for all but the last few decades of human history."
Fact: That may be Long's perspective as a presumably heterosexual male, but history tells us otherwise. For example, the late Yale historian John Boswell (The Marriage of Likeness: Same-Sex Unions in Pre-Modern Europe) found examples of same-sex unions performed by the Catholic Church prior to the 1400s, which is simply to say historical precedent exists and that civilization did not end. In fact, it flourished.
Assertion 2:"The very definition of marriage has always been 'one man, one woman and their children,' with emphasis on the children."
Fact: Students and scholars of history, other cultures, or other faith traditions conclude otherwise. Ancient Israelites supported a man's having several wives. The Oxford English Dictionary and Webster's Dictionary now include same-sex unions in their definitions of marriage. Our definitions of marriage have evolved over centuries and likely will continue to do so.
Assertion 3: "The reason for marriage has always been children."
Fact: Wasn't it Tina Turner who said, "What's love got to do with it?" Indeed, we marry for all kinds of reasons: financial reasons, to get away from our parents, for immigration purposes, because a woman is unexpectedly pregnant, or, of course, to purposefully start families. To this point, the nonpartisan Brookings Institute reported in 2010, "Married couples with children accounted for just over one in five U.S. households in 2008, about half their share in 1970." Perhaps the better question is, "What do kids have to do with it?"
Assertion 4:"[S]ame-sex couples simply do not provide the right foundation for raising children. Studies have shown that children do best when both a (female) mother and (male) father are present."
Fact: Every major professional medical association, from the American Psychological Association to the Child Welfare League of America, supports the notion that children raised by lesbians and gay men differ in no significant way from those raised by heterosexuals. Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld noted in 2010 that "in 45 empirical studies of outcomes of children of same-sex couples ... none found statistically significant disadvantages for children raised by gay and lesbian parents compared with other children."
Assertion 5: "[S]ame-sex marriage would not strengthen marriage but weaken it. Increased rates of infidelity and divorce have weakened marriage in the last half of the 20th century, and the prospects aren't looking very rosy. ... Extending marriage to same-sex couples would only increase and accelerate the weakening trend in marriage today."
Fact: Yes, it's true that the institution of marriage in is trouble. But Holning Lau, associate professor of law at UNC-Chapel Hill, found in his research that Massachusetts' data on annual divorce and marriage rates showed no difference in the four years before and the four years after same-sex marriage became legal in that state. He also presents data from Europe concluding that "there is no association between legal recognition of same-sex unions and fluctuations in rates of marriage, divorce, and non-marital births." The bottom line: you can't blame the gays -- or same-sex unions -- for our collective marriage woes.
Assertion 6: "It is important to note that, should traditional marriage be upheld in North Carolina, no one's rights will be curtailed."
Fact: In a report titled "Potential Legal Impact of the Proposed Domestic Legal Union Amendment to the North Carolina Constitution," UNC law professor Maxine Eichner explained that the vagueness of the phrase that marriage would be the "only domestic legal union" allows for interpretations that would endanger numerous benefits that gay and straight couples receive from domestic partnerships. These include domestic violence protections or child custody and visitation rights. We'd hate to see anyone's rights curtailed, least of all those of families and kids.
The May 8 vote isn't a thumbs-up, thumbs-down determination on whether same-sex couples will have the right to marry. North Carolina already has a law that restricts marriage to one man and one woman. John Long and other proponents of the amendment's passage are entitled to their beliefs and opinions, but voters should reject spurious and baseless arguments. With the outcome of the May 8 vote potentially harming the civil rights of all North Carolinians, we trust that informed voters will make decisions rooted in fact and, when in doubt, ask for sources and citations.
Steven Petrow, a former president of the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association, is the author of The New Gay Wedding and lives in Chapel Hill.
Chuck Small, a former N&O editor, is now an editor and school counselor who lives in Raleigh.
This op-ed was originally published on Advocate.com.]]>Queeries: What to Wear When It Seems No One Cares Anymoretag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.13395082012-03-13T11:52:00-04:002012-05-13T05:12:02-04:00Steven Petrowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/steven-petrow/Question:I don't know about you, but it drives me crazy that people in our community don't dress for the theater anymore. They're just as likely to jump on a plane in their shorts and a T-shirt. What gives with that? What really irks me are those tricky invitations with wording such as "business casual," "casual attire," "festive attire," and even "black tie." I am completely lost and don't want to embarrass myself. Help, please!
Answer: It's simply a fact of modern life that attire, whether in the office, a night on the town, or even a cocktail party, is a lot more informal than it once was. In my book, that's not the end of the world as we know it, nor does it mean you need to follow suit. Back in the day, when my grandmother took me to a Broadway show, she made sure I looked as perfectly put together as Glee's Darren Criss. Going to the opera or leaving on a jet plane were treated as events, and what you wore reflected respect, both for the situation and for yourself. So while those who feel fine waltzing into a five-star restaurant in a Hooters T-shirt and flip-flops might disagree, our wardrobe choices absolutely do reflect our personality, character, and judgment. Your clothes are your first means of communicating who you are to the world, and they often speak volumes, whether you like it or not.
But I'm also remembering the famously unfashionable Albert Einstein, who admonished, "If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside." Why does this make me think of certain GOP candidates running for president? But I digress.
As for those fuzzy fashion directives on today's invitations, you are so right: they seem designed to make us go shopping so that we'll fit in (or take meds in case we don't). In fact, some claim that the concept of "casual Fridays" was initially a marketing campaign by companies like the Gap that was intended to promote their new lines of (surprise!) casual wear. But does "casual Friday" attire pass muster for a "business casual" event? Is a black tie really optional at a "black tie optional" gala? For the record, here's a primer on deciphering those pesky phrases about what to wear:
Business Attire:
Generally, this all-in-one phrase is a request to look "professional," which meant "wear what you would wear to work" before people started wearing shorts to the office. Even in the best of times, it would have meant one thing for a doctor or lawyer and quite another for a filmmaker or fashion designer. Short answer: take it up two notches from your normal workday outfit, but don't fancy it up with duds you wouldn't be caught dead in at a meeting of your peers. If the invitation specifies "business casual," go ahead and wear what you'd normally wear to work.
For men: The most traditional guys in the room will wear a dark business suit with a white or light blue shirt, a fairly conservative tie, and leather shoes; or a sports coat with an open-collar shirt and no tie. Want a more contemporary look? Go for a well-tailored (subtly patterned) suit or a combination of a tweed or navy blazer with black or gray flannel trousers. Choose a brighter-than-usual shirt-and-tie combo (rep stripes or paisleys), well-made wingtips, and a discreet belt. Or, if you fashion yourself a modern James Dean, do dark denim jeans, a well-cut shirt, and a blazer.
For women: As usual, you have more choices, ranging from a cocktail dress to a fitted skirt and top to a well-tailored suit (skirt or pants). Try a brightly colored turtleneck or a well-made T-shirt for layering. Or go for a menswear-inspired trouser, feminized with high heels, or a fitted black blazer over a knit dress. But heed designer John Bartlett as you consider your baubles, belt, and bag: "Don't accessorize too much. It will make you look older."
Festive Attire (sometimes referred to as "Dressy Casual"):
Ubiquitous on holiday party invitations, this catch-all phrase suggests that both men and women should sport more sparkle or pizzazz than usual. In the end, festive is more about attitude than fashion. What it doesn't mean is either "formal" or your day-to-day dreary work attire.
For men: If it's a winter party and you're more Brooks Brothers than John Varvatos or Club Monaco, a red or green sweater (no snowmen, please) is all you need to brighten your look. In the summer, think of classic colors like hibiscus and jade green. For more fashion-forward or laid-back guys, you'll be fine in anything from a sports coat and slacks to a cashmere sweater with well-tailored trousers -- even dark blue, black, or white jeans (depending on the season). But jazz it up with an elegant scarf, a chunky bracelet, or a studded belt, something that pumps up the volume.
For women: You'll never go wrong in a little black dress with pumps and pearls, but this is the night to add a sequined or faux fur wrap and a pair of sparkly earrings. Also fine: a slim skirt and silk top, or a lacy camisole with black jeans. Satin and velvet are fine as long as the outfit itself isn't too formal (no ball gowns, please), but feel free to kick it up and show some skin.
Formal Attire:
Easy does it; don't mimic the Hollywood stars, who live on another planet. And this is definitely one area where the rules are complex and sometimes unforgiving. Here are the guidelines for mere mortals.
For men: Formal attire generally calls for a black tuxedo jacket with matching trousers, a black bow-tie and cummerbund, a white tux shirt, and black patent leather pumps (yes, pumps, sometimes even with a grosgrain bow for the full Ralph Lauren effect) or black dress shoes. If you're chafing under those conventions, ditch the black bow tie and cummerbund for those with a pattern or striking color; you also have permission to wear suspenders and forget about the cummerbund entirely. If you want to go more Hollywood, you can show up in a black suit, spread collar white shirt, and a skinny black or metallic tie. Bartlett, always practical, suggests that if you can only afford a suit or a tux, "Spend your money on a good suit ... and keep it simple and masculine."
Remember that "black tie optional" means that the event is formal and some guests will be in tuxedos. If you're opting out of the full get-up, be sure your suit is dark and top-notch -- and, please, wear a tie. No, you don't have to wear the monkey suit, but believe me: you don't want to be the one in a sports coat for this one. Grow up or don't show up!
For women: If you're going old school (hello, Angelina Jolie!), this is the time for a formal evening dress (a.k.a. a gown) or an uptown cocktail dress. Add your own creative touches with a sparkly bag, jewelry, or a fringy shawl. But remember, when it comes to accessories, less is more. As for footwear, this is the time to step into your version of high heels, whatever that may be. If this doesn't sound like the kind of lesbian you are, that's fine. Don a sleek suit with a white shirt and tie or a black velvet Nehru jacket. Mixing and matching from feminine and masculine styles works just fine.
By the way, the "black tie optional" warning from the men's section above applies to you, too: events with this label will draw a range of dress styles, and you don't want to find yourself out of step.
Now, go out and have a good time -- but first make sure your shoes are polished and your outfit is lint- and cat-hair-free.
This column originally was published on Advocate.com.
He gave me the "David Box" shortly after he decided to leave publishing to see what he could make of his true talents -- despite his depressive nature and undying pessimism (which became his trademark shtick). The jewel box symbolized his departure, no, rather, the transformation of "david" to "DAVID" who went on to become the celebrated author of Fraud, Half Empty,and Don't Get Too Comfortable (not to mention the heir apparent to David Sedaris).
Manners experts rarely visit the bedroom, much less the back room -- at least in print. When they do, it's a disaster. For instance, Letitia Baldrige posits in New Manners for New Times that having "multiple sex partners is the worst of all worlds." Sorry, Tish, but can you spell j-u-d-g-m-e-n-t-a-l? Other advice is noteworthy for its faux sense of security, or for its lack of the "real-world" factor: Who would actually bring copies of their HIV test results to exchange before getting down to business? (It's true that "people may lie" about their status, but... really? And remember, even printed results are only as good as the paper they're printed on and don't reflect what your soon-to-be partner has been up to lately.)
Question: "I'm a 22-year-old, gay, Afro-Caribbean man living in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and I'm at my wits' end in trying to find friendship and companionship. No visible community exists here, and I doubt an underground community exists, either. Online attempts to find "friends" have been disappointing. I'm at a point where I've realized that what I need most now is emotional and physical intimacy, but I'm in a place where this is most unlikely to be found. I'd love to move to a city with thriving communities, like D.C. or NYC, but I lack the resources to do this. How do I cope with this loneliness?"
Question: "My partner and I were in a quiet restaurant trying to have dinner near two straight guys, one of who was carrying on a very loud, endless cell phone conversation. We asked them to keep it down. Then one of them, drunk and obnoxious, came over and tried to pick a fight. He leaned over our table and started to "gay bait" us. Do we: 1) tell him to f*ck off, 2) engage in the verbal battle, 3) ignore him, or 4) accept the invitation to step outside to duke it out?"
Question: I know there's a lot of anger in the wake of the passage of Amendment 1 in North Carolina. For instance, one of my friends on Facebook posted this: "Gay people: Get out of the South. Boycott it. Don't give the people of those states another dime of your hard-earned tax dollars. Let those brain-dead, backwards, fat-ass f**k-tards steep in the stench of their simple, illiterate culture, pray to a God who wouldn't claim them, and die their chicken-fried diabetic deaths without the benefit of tasteful funeral flower arrangements." Aside from the severity of the name-calling, I think he (and others) are right in calling for a boycott of the Tar Heel State. Do you agree?
Question: I was having a hard week at work, and on top of that my girlfriend started making noises about our "slowing things down." I really needed to talk, and I called one of my (supposedly) best friends to vent. She didn't pick up, even though I think she was home. And she didn't call back, even though my message was clearly urgent. Instead she sent an email the next day asking what was up. ("How r u? Let's talk.") Isn't it bad manners to return a phone call with an email, especially to a friend in need? I'm pissed.