Trina Hayes

Daddy's Arms

2013-06-16T09:58:13-04:00

Daddy I want to say thank you for being the best dad
I know I made you happy and at times I made you sad.
Daddy you are the very best dad a girl could ask for.
Thanks for welcoming me home and opening your door.
Daddy I wanted to be with you on my final days on Earth.
It is your arms that I recall that have held me since my birth.
Daddy I want to remind you that I am never very far away.
God will send you angels and guide you each and every day.
Daddy I will miss your touch, your arms so big and strong.
Remember me when you hear the music we loved in song.
Daddy I did the work God called me to when I was with you.
Now it is your turn to continue what we both know to be true.
Daddy I will always be your little girl who loved your arms.
God is now my protector and I will be kept from all harm.
Daddy continue to reach out and be a reflection of God's love.
Peace is truly possible, God's symbol is found in the dove.

This is a poem I wrote for a man whom I now call a great friend. Just over a year ago I attended a Celebrate Recovery meeting in Venice, Florida and I was introduced to Jon Priestap. One month earlier he had found his 26-year-old daughter dead in the shower due to a drug overdose. I had never met Catlin, yet I felt as though I knew her. A couple of nights later we met and he shared some of his experiences with Catlin and her journal, as she had always wanted to be a writer. He wanted to be able to share her dreams with someone who understood the path of becoming a writer. He wished I had been able to meet Catlin in person. Neither of us had any idea of what the future might hold for either of us.

The next day I went to Starbucks to write as I often do, and suddenly I heard this voice in my head say "open a new document." You have to understand that I was raised fundamentalist Baptist and as far as I was concerned this didn't really happen, especially to someone like me. Several times I ignored the voice and then I finally gave in, opened a new document and the above poem flowed freely from my fingers on to the keyboard. I was both shocked and surprised. That evening when I got home I was guided to call Jon and ask permission to share the poem. You have to remember, I had never met Catlin. I read the poem to him and there was silence and then crying. I held a space of love and allowed him the time to share his thoughts and feelings about the poem. He was in awe and comforted. Since then I have been gifted with eight poems from Catlin that always seem to arrive at just the right time for Jon, who gives the greatest hugs with his loving arms. Jon, thank you for coming into my life and for giving me permission to share Daddy's Arms with the world.

For more by Trina Hayes, click here.

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Missing You, Mom, as I Hang Out a Load of Laundry

2013-06-02T09:00:00-04:00

One of my fondest memories growing up was when my mom brought in a load of laundry from the clothesline in the coldest part of winter. You see, I was raised on the Gaspe Peninsula in Eastern Quebec, on the Chaleur Bay, and there were times when it was consistently below zero. Can you imagine what the clothes looked like when she brought them into the house? Well, let me tell you. Our jeans could literally stand by themselves. No kidding. I remember my sister and I holding them up and walking around the house with them until they started to thaw and then my mom would hang them in the house to dry. I never quite understood the reason for them being hung on the line in the first place, and it is only recently that I have thought about it, and now it is too late to ask, since she passed over 14 years ago, and June 1 would have been her 74th birthday.

Oh, the good ole days! I can still see mom coming into the house after hanging the clothes on the line, holding her fingers and at times crying out in pain because they were hurting her so badly because they had been exposed to the cold for so long. She washed our clothes with a wringer washer, yes, one of those old ringer washers that the top would snap and we would run. I am laughing as I write this because you would have to be there to know what I am talking about. Then again, those of you who remember those "good ole" Maytag wringer washers know exactly what I am talking about. I would get up on a stool and stand at the side of the washing machine and watch the clothes go round and round -- of course, with mom warning me to not put my hands inside or get too close. Then she would take the clothes out of the tub, one piece at a time and feed them through the wringer. At times a pair of jeans would get stuck and the top of the wringer would snap and she would have to start all over again. What an ordeal when I think of it now. As I got a little older, like maybe four or five years of age, I would stand where the clothes came out and catch them and drop them in the turquoise-colored rectangular laundry basket that served many more purposes than a laundry basket. We used it as a go-kart and pushed one another up and down the hall, as a holder for the new puppy, as a carrier for squash and turnips from the garden and as one of the pieces of the many forts we built with pillows and blankets and chairs and whatever we could gather in the house.

Then Mom would carry the basket of clothes to hang on the clothes line that was really a bit too high up in the air for her, but she never complained; rather, she stretched up on her tippy toes to reach high in the air to bring it down and put the clothes out one piece at a time. And, for those who hang clothes on the line, we know there is a certain way to do it "right." That is, you start with the longest and the darkest piece of laundry and they go out first and then one at a time you put out the lighter colors and the shorter pieces of laundry.

I am so grateful to live in Northern California with an amazing backyard with green space and room for a clothes line and no restriction to put one up. Can you imagine that? There are places in this country that do not allow for a homeowner to have a clothesline. Impossible. I will not be living there. One of the first questions I ask when renting a house is, "Can I have a clothes line?" Do you know what it feels like to crawl into a freshly-made bed with sheets that have just been taken off the clothesline? I love it, one of my most comforting moments of the day. Actually, both of my children love it as well.

So, Mom, this load of laundry on my line today is for you. I can only imagine the look on your face and thinking to yourself: "she learned to do this 'right.'" Thank you for teaching me how to hang out a load of laundry and appreciate nature at the same time. You are truly missed.

With love and grace,

Trina

For more by Trina Hayes, click here.

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Are You Listening to Your Heart?

2013-05-20T12:24:02-04:00

I had never really given this question any thought until this week when I got a call saying that my brother, 56 years of age, had suffered a heart attack. A couple of years ago my father had open-heart surgery at 76 years of age, and my grandfather died of a heart attack at 72 years of age. So on the one hand it was not a shock, and yet for my brother to be only 56 years of age was disconcerting.

Much of this week I have thought about the heart and what it truly means to "listen to my heart." So often we hear talk about paying attention to what is going through our minds, listening to our thoughts, but how often do we really focus on what our hearts are saying to us? Sure, there are lots of stories that remind us to stay focused on our hearts and that we love from our hearts and that our hearts are our center and the seat of our emotions. But really how often do we stop and listen to what our hearts are saying?

Last evening I watched Grey's Anatomy, and I thought it was rather interesting how one of the doctors was performing a surgery in a dim light as the power had gone out at the hospital and she suddenly she stopped and said she just could not proceed. Well, another surgeon suggested that they turn the lights out completely so that she could listen to the patient's heart and that she would be able to hear instinctively where the problem was. Now, I realize that this is a TV show, but how thought-provoking for me and for you to stop and listen to what our hearts are saying to us.

How often do any of us take the time and just sit or lay and listen to our own hearts beating? Isn't that a miracle in itself? After all, we can actually hear the heart, but we cannot hear the brain beating. We give so much time and energy today to our thoughts and so little time to our hearts. Maybe it is time for us to pay more attention to the first organ that is formed in our bodies, to begin to listen and hear what our hearts are saying to us.

I find it fascinating that the heart is the center of the chakra system; three chakras above and three below. The heart is the bridge or the connector between how we interact with the world and how we interact with God. Interesting how when I was a small child growing up in the Baptist church I was taught to invite Jesus into my heart. I wasn't taught to invite Him into my brain or my stomach, but rather my heart.

This week, my brother's heart attack was a reminder to me to continue to nurture my relationship to my heart, to be consciously aware of the importance of listening to what my heart has to say to me. I believe that my heart is my connection to God. So, this incidence has caused me to stop and ask myself and now I ask you. Are you listening to your heart? Are you listening to God? Are you aware of your relationship to your heart and to God? A relationship to our heart, our center, to God is the foundation for building healthy relationships with our loved ones and others.

With love and grace,
Trina

For more by Trina Hayes, click here.

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This Mother's Day I Say Thank You to My Children for Choosing Me to Be Their Mom

2013-05-11T13:02:32-04:00

This mother's day I would like to say thank you to my children, Sean and Angie, for allowing me to grow into the person I have become today. I find that so often we think about mothers as being the ones who set the standards, who lead the way, who are the role models. Well, today I want to say that in many ways it has been my children who have set the standards, who have taken the lead and who have been my role models.

My children are now 26 and 27 years of age and I am so grateful for the relationship that I share with each of them. We have been through our ups and downs of divorce, death, diabetes and addiction to name a few. We have laughed together and we have cried together. We have attempted to force our opinions on each other even when we knew better and we have also allowed one another to hold an opinion that we may not have agreed with.

Underlying everything we have been through as a family is love, caring, compassion and understanding. My children know in the depth of their being that I love them and I know in the deepest level of my heart and soul that my children love me. To take that one step further, not only do I know that they love me and that I love them, but that they accept me for who I am and I accept them for who they are. I know that this has not always been easy as I am not the typical (whatever that means) mom who works 9-5, has lived at the same address for 10 years or been married to the same man for 25 years. No, I am the mom who dragged them to pow wows, who lived in the outback of Australia with them, who took them out of school on Wednesday's to go skiing because it was $5 for the afternoon. I wanted them to explore and experience life so that they were aware that they had options and that the world is their oyster and it would be up to them to become whom-ever they chose to become.

So, this Mother's Day I want to say thank you to my children for never giving up on me and for encouraging and inspiring me to follow my heart. They have been my strength when I was weak and I have been their strength when they were weak. For me, this is what I desire as a relationship between a mother and her children. All three of us have opened our hearts to accept one another for who we are in this moment. We may not always agree with one another but our love always supersedes the need to be right. When they have something of great importance to share, I get one of the first calls and when they are struggling with something, I am usually their first point of reference. And, when I am bubbling with excitement over a new idea or discouraged about something else, they are usually the first ones I call.

We live our lives interdependently. We have learned the importance of 'being present' for one another and also 'allowing' the other the space needed to grow, to learn, to explore and to experience all life has to offer. So, it is with love and gratitude that this Mother's Day I say thank you to my children for choosing me as their mom so that I could both learn from them and teach them.

This Mother's Day I invite you to look at your relationship with your children, if you have children. Ask yourself what you have learned from them? And, let them know how grateful you are for them coming into your life. We can all learn from one another. The one thing that I so often remind people of is that the one thing we all have in common is a mother. So, reach out to your mom and ask her what you can do to support healing in her life. My children have taught me so much about healing my own life and yours can teach you as well. Open your heart and ask them. I believe that our children wish for our happiness as much as we wish happiness for them.

With love and grace,
Trina M. Hayes

"Healing the world... one relationship at a time"

Addiction: A Spiritual (Love) Void

2011-02-16T09:01:21-05:00

The more that I am surrounded by addiction the more I am reminded of the words of my daughter's counselor from treatment and they were "all addiction is a spiritual void." When I first heard those words, I couldn't quite get my head around them, or, shall I say, I didn't quite understand the depth of their meaning at the time. However, as the years have passed and I have come to know more families that are affected by addiction, I have come to explore them and expand upon my own understanding of what they mean.

I am grateful that I have chosen a life of spirituality and God as my guide. When I have gone through challenging periods in my life and I felt alone, it was God that I reached out to and felt the presence of someone greater than myself. Today, when I am uncertain about what to do or where to turn, I call on God to guide and direct my path. That guidance may come in the form of a quote, a book, a song, a call from a friend or an animal who shows up to point me in the proper direction for my highest good. Over the years, I have come to learn that God speaks in many different ways and the more that I am open to guidance the more effortless my life becomes.

Coming back to the title of this blog; Addiction: A Spiritual (Love) Void, I am once again reminded of what I believe the common denominator is amongst addicts: the disconnect with themselves or knowing and loving who they are, the spiritual aspect of themselves or their connection to God or a higher power as some refer to God or the God of ones understanding. I don't think it is important to define God or spirituality here, but rather to begin to create awareness of how addiction affects ones ability to love themselves or to allow love in to their lives.

For me, God represents Love and when I feel loved by someone, I feel the presence of God coming through that person. Some may think that love is a state of being, but I believe that Love is God in action. Love is the highest form of spirituality. Having said that, maybe addiction is a Love void. That is, addiction is the absence of loving one self, opening to the Love of God and ultimately the ability to give and receive love as we cannot give to others what we do not have for ourselves.

With love, light and hope.

Trina Hayes

Love Is Being Present in Pain

2011-02-02T15:15:00-05:00

Recently, I lost a friend my age (48) to cancer, and as I was reflecting upon the family and friends that I have lost over the years, I was reminded of the times that I was or was not able to be present in their pain. I realize I did the best I could in each moment; however, I believe that it depended on where I was in my life at the time of their death. Today, I am able to hold a space of love for those who have passed on and for those who remain. And, I am grateful for those in my life who have shown me that love is being present in pain.

Can you be present in my pain
when I get quiet and shut down
and I choose to reflect
on the light and the sound?

Can you be present in my pain
when I have no words to say
and I need time to listen
and find my own way?

Can you be present in my pain
when I want to lay my head
and let go of what's going on
and what has been said?

Can you be present in my pain
when I cry out in despair
for what I thought I did wrong
and seemed not to care?

Can you be present in my pain
when I toss and turn about
and I am filled with anguish,
sadness, guilt and doubt?

Can you be present in my pain
when I know not where to turn
and I am about to lose all
and crash and burn?

Can you be present in my pain
when I want to scream and yell
and question about heaven
and wonder about hell?

Can you be present in my pain
when I take time to be alone
and need to clear my head
and work through my tone.

Can you be present in my pain
when I reflect upon the past?
Can you hold me oh so tight
and remind me it won't last?

Can you be present in my pain
when I am ready to move on?
Can you love me for who I am
and together build a bond.

Based on love, respect and trust,
forgiveness, truth and more.
Reach out take my hand
and together we will soar.

Guilt: Is It Holding You Back?

2011-01-18T19:19:00-05:00

"You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it. You must learn to see the world anew."
--Albert Einstein

Have you ever stopped to think about why you are holding on to guilt that can sometimes drive you crazy? What do you do when you start to think about the situation that you believe has caused you to feel guilty? Better yet, what do you do to move beyond or through the guilt you are carrying?

Recently, a friend and I were discussing some of the above questions, and I was able to share how I have learned, over the years, to work through and release some of the guilt in my life that has hurt me or held me back from becoming more than a person who has hurt another. Having said that, how would it serve me or another to refer to myself as someone who, intentionally or not, hurt another human being? Sometimes, it is difficult for us, as humans, to get our head around how we could hurt another, physically, emotionally or mentally. At the moment when the perceived hurt is inflicted, for the most part, the person does not do it intentionally to hurt another person, but rather to protect themselves in some way. At times, it is to protect themselves from seeing the truth of a situation, as it is more than they can handle. At other times, it is because they are not yet ready to look at their own lives, or they have not yet acquired the tools and skills to be able to move out of the pain of hurting another and into the freedom of loving the self.

Guilt can keep us stuck in our past and unable to move forward. It affects all areas of our lives, and once we choose to look at the guilt, it appears as though everything in our life then begins to revolve around the guilt that we are carrying, be it real or imagined. When a person is ready to open up to exploring the guilt they feel and having the desire to work through it, that is the moment healing begins. Guilt can be a true gift to go a little deeper into the self and allow the body, mind and spirit to be healed of any areas that may hold one back from becoming more love, light and happiness.

The following is a personal story of how I learned to work through a deep guilt that I held on to for a couple of years and allowed to cause much grief and sadness in my life.

Two years ago I visited my father for Thanksgiving, and on the following Sunday morning we went to church. As we drove to the church, we realized that there had been a bad accident. A man had run over his ex-wife and their young daughter with his 18-wheeler truck. By the time we arrived on the scene, they had rushed the daughter to the clinic, but the mother was lying on the pavement. I immediately jumped out of our car, ran over and held her in my arms, not knowing who she was. It had been over 30 years since I had lived at home, and I didn't recognize many of the young people in their twenties. Then, a woman my age came running out of the church. As she came closer, I realized that she was Joan, who had been a friend of mine growing up. She started yelling and screaming the name Charlene, Charlene. The young mother I was holding was her daughter. All I remember from that moment on was when the ambulance arrived and Joan turned to me and asked if she should ride in the ambulance with her daughter or go with her husband in the car, to get to the clinic before the ambulance arrived, so that she would be waiting for Charlene. I said, "Go with your husband."

Charlene took her last breath in the ambulance. As soon as I got the news, I felt so guilty for suggesting that Joan go to the clinic rather than go with her daughter.

For two years I held on to the guilt. I talked to friends and colleagues about it, and I knew in my head that I did the best I could given the information that I had at the time. However, I was unable to shake the guilt I felt for suggesting that she leave her daughter. This year, when I went home to see my dad for Thanksgiving, I went to church on Sunday. I sat near the front of the church on the right-hand side, and a couple of minutes before the service started, who walked by me and sat right in front of me but my friend Joan? I immediately felt sick and my heart heavy. As soon as she turned and saw me, we both started to cry. We didn't have time to talk before the service started, so I had to hold on to the guilt and grief for another hour before I could tell her how sorry I was for suggesting that she go ahead of her daughter to the clinic, and ask for her forgiveness.

When the service ended, we reached for one another and started sobbing in one another's arms. We both started to speak, and then I said, "Joan, you have to listen to me. I want to tell you I am so sorry that I suggested you go with your husband rather than in the ambulance." She stopped me. I stood back. She put her hand over my mouth and said, "Trina, I do not remember you saying anything about that, but here is what I remember. I remember running out to the pavement and seeing Charlene on the pavement, and I recognized you and how gently you were holding her. Then you suggested that I lay on the pavement beside her and hold her and just be with her. It was as though there was a veil of protection around us. I stayed with her as long as I needed, and then I knew I could leave because she was safe with you." I was shocked and in disbelief. Here, I had carried around all the guilt and grief for the way I had perceived the story to be. We both learned valuable lessons and held one another with love.

I tell you this story to remind you that you cannot hurt or harm another without their permission, be it conscious or unconscious. I believe that we all make contracts with one another before we come to this earth to do the work that each one of us needs to do. The journey of healing and loving the self is an individual journey. Others show up in our lives to remind us that guilt can be a teacher, if we are open to receive; however, love is the ultimate lesson.

Do you see your guilt as a problem in your life? If so, then remember, you cannot work through your guilt with the same consciousness as when the guilt (perceived or real) occurred. You must acquire new skills and learn to see the world anew. So, my question to you is: do you want to continue to hold on to your guilt, or do you want to begin your journey of healing and learn to love yourself so that you can increase your ability and capacity to love others? Know that you have everything you need within you to release the guilt and embrace love. All you have to do is ask, accept and allow!

With love, light and hope,
Trina

www.trinahayes.com

Surrounded by Addiction: An Opportunity to Open Your Heart to Unconditional Love

2010-09-30T11:39:00-04:00

You are probably reading and re-reading the title, wondering how I could possibly put all these words in one sentence, however, this has been my experience with addiction. When I go back to my childhood, I now realize how I have been surrounded by addiction my entire life. Then again, who hasn't? You just have to turn on the television, listen to the radio, open up an Internet browser or for that matter go to your local church and addiction is everywhere. As a society we still have a tendency to see addicts as homeless people living in back alleyways, but I believe that this is the way that we are able to keep addiction from our own personal realities until we are ready to deal with it.

There is no easy way to look at addiction, especially when it affects our personal lives or our loved ones. There are many different ways to see addiction and I believe that by choosing one way over another, it keeps us polarized and unable to deal with the devastation that addiction causes to families, communities and our society. Some believe it is a disease, others believe it is a choice. Does it really matter what someone believes, or is it more important to create awareness and education about the impact of addiction?

I have chosen to see addiction as an opportunity to open my heart to unconditional love. I have been blessed to have beautiful people show up in my life at just the right time to teach me about addiction, about family of origin, about choices and why and how we make them and how they affect my present choices. Just yesterday I was thinking about how I have ended up writing and speaking about addiction and what the future holds for me, when a friend, who is a pioneer in the field of addiction, called and reminded me that if one is willing, addiction can be an opportunity to open up one's heart. And then, my phone rang again and it was another friend who has worked in the field of addiction for years and she reminded me that not only is being surrounded by addiction an opportunity to open my heart, but that my heart has been opened to unconditional love. Confirmation and validation just when I needed it, from two incredible friends who know and understand the journey through the minefield of addiction.

I want to remind you that if you are willing to allow an addict, addiction or addictive behavior to hold up their mirrors for you to look into so that you are able to see where your heart may be blocked, I promise you, it will be the greatest gift you give yourself. It is not an easy journey, but one that is well worth taking. Not only will you learn to love yourself by looking into that mirror, but ultimately you will be able to love the addict, with unconditional love: a love that gives without asking anything in return, a love that says I will always love you. I must add here that there are times that you may not like the behavior of an addict, but when you learn to love yourself, you will be able to reach out with love for the addict without demanding such love in return. Unconditional love says I am here for you when you are ready to embark on your journey towards loving yourself.

I hope I have shed some light on this path called "love" for you today. If you can remember that people are brought in to your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime it may help. Also, whoever shows up in your life is for you to learn a little more about you. I am so grateful for each and every addict that has shown up in my life as I have learned more about who I am and how I can love unconditionally, without limits. I may not always like the behavior, but I know I love the person.

Natalie and Renee, thank you so much for being such incredible women whom I love, respect and honor and thank you for calling at exactly the right time.

With love, light and hope for a world filled with LOVE.
Trina

Hope for Healing: Personal Reflections of 9-11 (VIDEO)

2010-09-14T13:47:05-04:00

Saturday was September 11, 2010 and of course, the first thing that comes to mind for almost anyone is the tragic events of the twin towers coming down in New York City as well as the planes crashing into the Pentagon in Washington D.C. and in Shanksville, PA. However, I believe that we each have our own personal stories of what 9-11 means to us. When my son called yesterday morning to say hi and catch up, we spoke of 9-11 and he reminded me that nine years ago on this day at approximately the same time the first tower came down, he was getting his driver's license. I reminded him that 28 years ago on this day his dad and I got married. A little later in the day my daughter called to say hi and she reminded me that last year on this day, her future father-in-law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was in a hospice home when she and her husband got married only two months after his diagnosis, and passed on only a few short weeks after.

I share these stories as a reminder that 9-11 can mean different things to different people. As I was reflecting upon the past 28 years, I was reminded of the amount of healing that has taken place in our family. Healing is not always an easy path, but if you are willing to embark on its journey, the rewards can be numerous. Sean and Angie have experienced much joy, pain, laughter and sadness during the past 24 and 25 years of their lives. Through the ups and downs of marriages, divorces, births, deaths, cancer, diabetes, addiction -- and the list could go on and on -- Bob and I have both loved our children unconditionally. No matter what was going on in our own personal lives, we chose to put Sean and Angie above all else and remind them always that we were their mom and dad and we loved them unconditionally.

When I got off the phone with Sean and Angie, I decided to give Bob a call and ask for permission and support to share our story of unconditional love. He agreed and then I asked to speak to his wife, Bonnie, who has loved our children as her own. What most stands out in my mind after speaking to Bob is our discussion about the careers that Sean and Angie have chosen. Recently Sean has been promoted to manager of a Future Shop (Best Buy). When Bob and I met he was manager of a Radio Shack. Angie has recently secured a position as a resident assistant at an assisted living facility. Shortly after Sean's birth, we opened two assisted living facilities and when Angie was born we brought her home from the hospital and took her to visit the residents at the assisted living facility. Life truly does come full circle in more ways than we can imagine.

The attached video opens with Bob, Sean, Angie and I together shortly after Angie's birth and it closes with Bob, Sean, Angie and I and all our extended family together at her wedding. We have come full circle as a family and the main theme throughout our lives has been unconditional love. So, I invite you to read the words of the song that accompanies the video and think about the little feet of your children and all the children in the world. The music for the video is written and sung by a dear friend, Quito Rymer, from Tortola, British Virgin Islands. He wrote it for his son and daughter when they were little children.

Little Feet

I am amused and amazed by the sound of four little feet running around. Pick one up and the other one comes Daddy (Mommy) please put him (her) down it's now my turn.

Little feet, little feet watch where you go, cause many are the dangers, many are the woes. Little feet, little feet watch where you roam and don't stray too far from your home, oh little feet. Precious children, what a joy they are. Oh, little children, what a blessing they are.

A child is one of God's greatest gifts to mankind. We must teach them well so they might grow up to be respectful, kind and gentle and lovers of humanity and when time gets rough for them in this old mixed up world, hold on, don't let go of that little seed of love that was planted so long ago. With attention, water it and it will surely grow. We must stand by them, of course, we cannot let that old devil have our children. No, no.

Little feet, little feet watch where you go, cause many are the dangers, many are the woes. Little feet, little feet watch where you roam and don't stray too far from your home, oh little feet. Precious children, what a joy they are. Oh, little children, what a blessing they are.

With love, light and hope,

Trina

HOPE for the Children: God's Gift to Parents

2010-09-10T16:56:00-04:00

I can hardly believe I wrote this poem 18 years ago. Sean will be 25-years of age in two days and in two months, Angie will be 24-years of age. They are truly my Gifts from God and I am grateful for each moment I share with them whether it is on the phone, email or in person.

Last week I visited my son Sean in Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island and upon my return my daughter Angie dropped by for a surprise visit. After she left, Cary and I watched the two rallies held in Washington DC; "Reclaiming the Dream" hosted by Al Sharpton and "Restoring Honor" hosted by Glenn Beck. The main message I heard from the "Restoring Honor" speech was that "We the People" (the first line of the United States Constitution) have a responsibility to reflect upon our lives and to examine our hearts and our minds and to determine if we are leaving the world a better place than it is today.

I will take that one step further in relation to our children and that is: We have a responsibility to be role models to our children and their children and to the younger generations. This does not necessarily mean our birth children, but rather the younger generations.

Children: God's Gift to Parents

Who created the children?
It was God, not you or I.
Who trusted us to care for them?
It was He, up in the sky.
God created the children
And put them in our care.
The parents of the little ones
That we might love them and share
All the knowledge we have gained
During the period of our Life.
That we may help them grow and
Teach them how to deal with strife.
The more love and respect
We offer to the children,
The more they will learn
How to give love and when.
They need to see our words in action
So they can copy what to do,
For they are little sponges, who
Will do the same as I and you.
So, be careful how you treat the children,
Both in word and in deed.
Share the love that flows so freely
With the many souls in need.
God honored us, the parents
With the supervision of the little ones.
They are their own individuals
Both the daughters and the sons.
Help the children find their rhythm,
Let's not impose ours on them.
They need the space to develop,
Not our voices to condemn.
Allow them room to become
All God intended them to be,
So they may experience beauty
In absolutely everything they see.

Written with love and adoration for Sean and Angie,
my Gifts from God 1992

I believe our children are craving role models today. Who do they have to look up to? As parents, we should be the ones they look up to. I believe that as a society, we have failed them and I think it is time for us to reclaim our responsibility as role models. There is a lot of talk today about how little respect there is in the world. Well, respect begins with the self. If we learn to respect ourselves, then our children can see what respect looks like rather than being told to respect someone else. How can they be expected to respect others if they do not know what respect looks or feels like? The same goes for love and honor. Do you love yourself? Remember, if you do not love yourself, how can you possibly love another, even your child? Please, think about what this means. We all need to learn to love ourselves so that our children will know what it is to see and feel love, rather than the false sense of love which is portrayed in the media.

Here are a few questions to ponder: Do you live a life of truth? Do you tell your children to do one thing and yet you do another? What kind of shows do you watch on television? What kind of books do your children see you reading? Who do you look up to as role models? Are you aware of your language and the words you use? Are you critical and complaining about life and people in general? Is your behavior the kind of behavior you want your children to emulate? Even if you do not have children or if your children are grown, you can still ask yourself these questions. These may not be easy questions, however, I believe that if there is to be hope for our children in the future, it has to begin with us -- the parents and the adults. Join me on this journey of self reflection to begin the individual healing necessary so that our children will experience love, respect and honor.

With love, light and hope,

Trina

Forgiveness Is a Personal Journey

2010-08-18T10:00:00-04:00

I just came home from seeing the movie "Eat, Pray Love," written by Elizabeth Gilbert, starring Julia Roberts. This is not a movie review, but rather a thought that I would like to discuss that was prompted by one sentence in the movie. It was when Liz was talking to Richard, in India about the fact that she was waiting for her husband to forgive her. WOW, how many of us are waiting for someone to forgive us? Meanwhile, they may not even know that we feel as though there is something to forgive. We may be holding on to guilt or shame that the other person is not even aware of.

I believe that forgiveness is a personal journey. How can one person say to another that they need to forgive someone? Does that not elevate that person to the position of God or judgment at least? The only person responsible for forgiveness is the one who feels the need to forgive. Often the feeling of the need to forgive another or to be forgiven by another is the need to forgive ourselves.

Why is it that we feel as though we can forgive someone else for something they have done to wrong us or another, however, when it comes to forgiving ourselves for a similar action, we hold on to it and refuse to let it go? Do we do it out of fear that we will do the same thing again -- and then what? Or do we just not have the skills or the knowing of what it looks like to let something go? Have you ever felt as though you have forgiven someone and then suddenly known, deep within your heart, that you may have thought you had forgiven the person but you did not let go? What did you do then?

May I suggest that forgiveness is an personal journey and one that begins with you. Just as learning to love others begins with learning to love yourself so the same with forgiveness. As you learn to forgive yourself, whatever that looks and feels like to you, then and only then will you truly be able to forgive others. As a result of you forgiving yourself, you will not feel the need to hold onto what you think others need to forgive in you.

Where did the thought come from that someone else needs to forgive you? Have you spoken to them about it? How can you say that you cannot move on until someone forgives you? That is an assumption which is not based on fact. And, even if it is based on fact you cannot force someone else to forgive you because as I mentioned earlier, forgiveness is an individual act.

I will share this story in light of forgiveness. Often, when I am speaking on the topic of addiction, someone will ask me what is the best thing that I can do for an addict and my answer is always the same, take care of yourself as you don't know when the addict may need you. Well, when it comes to forgiveness, the best thing that you can do for others is to forgive yourself, as you don't know when someone may need your strength, your words of wisdom, your courage to let go and move on.

Elizabeth Gilbert and Julia Roberts, thank you for the reminder that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves that ultimately the world will benefit from.

Love, light and HOPE. Trina

Trinahayes.com

Have You Thought About Your Journey?

2010-08-11T07:00:00-04:00

Finally, I feel as though it is MY time. I remember as a little girl questioning, I think, almost everything. It must have been exhausting for my mother and everyone around me to have me ask the same questions over and over again. I would ask questions such as: "Mom, why do we have to sit up straight at church? Mom, why aren't we allowed in grandma's good living room? Mom, why are children to be seen and not heard? Mom, why do people say one thing and do another?" Get my picture. You see, I believe I was born curious. However, I was raised during a time when it was not acceptable to be "curious." Remember, children were to be seen and not heard.

I can only imagine how frustrating it must have been for me to ask questions and not get answers. I can recall how many times I brought home a report card and almost every teacher would write in the comment section, Trina is really very bright, but she would do much better if she would stop talking and start listening. In actual fact, I was listening, the teachers just didn't understand that I could listen and talk, sometimes at the same time. I heard almost everything the teachers said, and at the same time, I was asking questions that they just couldn't or wouldn't answer so I believe it was their way of silencing me. After all, I had skipped a grade and had led the class academically during my elementary years of schooling.

Fast forward 48 years and recently someone forwarded to me an audio of Arianna Huffington, founder of the Huffington Post, speaking at a conference. She believes that this is the "Golden Age of Engagement." Truly music to my ears and a sigh of contentment from my heart. Engagement means to be present, emotional involvement or a commitment. People want to engage and to be involved. People want their voices to be heard more than ever. Everything is being questioned and answers are being demanded.

Finally, I will be heard and I will ask questions and expect answers. I also want to hear what others have to say and I want to invite others to share what is on their minds, in their hearts and the feelings deep inside their guts. That's right, you know what I mean, that feeling deep down inside your gut that you NEVER talk about. Why not? Who told you you couldn't? Where did that thought come from? Is it the gut or the intuition? I tend to think it is one in the same. I have a saying that when I have a "but in my gut" I know not to move forward. There is a reason for that "but in the gut." And, now more than ever, we are being invited, during this "Golden Age of Engagement" to be present, to get involved and to commit to something bigger than ourselves. What freedom!

Freedom to write about what I love to talk about and listen to. I love sharing my story of hope with others in the hope that I can hold up my mirror of love so that they can see a glimpse and be encouraged to begin to take the steps to live in joy and happiness. I love listening to where people have been on their journeys and how they have arrived at the present. What challenges have others encountered and how did they overcome them? It is through being in relationship with others that we are given the opportunity to grow and learn more about ourselves.

It takes courage to be vulnerable and look into the mirror that someone may be holding up to you. As there are two sides to a coin or two sides to a feather, there is also two ways to look into a mirror, including the mirror that others hold up to you. And, those who push your buttons or trigger you can be your greatest teachers. They are the ones who hold up the mirror to show you that there are areas in your life that need healing and the best thing that you can do is to thank them for showing up in your life. Then, there are others who hold up their mirror of love and that is to remind you that you are love, you just need to remember. They are your reminders. Thank them and begin in that moment to live more love.

It is amazing how our lives begin to change when we can honor others on their journey and be grateful that each of us has our own unique path. There is no right or wrong on your journey but rather a knowing that it is your journey and that there is no one else on earth who has been where you have been. They may have taken a similar road, or train trip, or canoe ride or flight, but there is no one exactly like you and that is a beautiful thing.

Today, I encourage you to look around at the people that you surround yourself with and become aware of the books that you read, the TV that you watch and the internet that you are a part of as these things determine who you are. Who you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow for that is a choice that you and only you can make. Who do you want to be now and in the future? Look back to your past as that, it is what has brought you this far, however, you have the ability to re-write the story of your life so that in the future, you can look back and be pleased with the choices you have made and the person you have become. And, remember, as one person is healed, that person represents hope4healing for others.