Yvonne Durant2013-05-23T20:49:07-04:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/index.php?author=yvonne-durantCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Yvonne DurantGood old fashioned elbow grease.Polly Wanna A Cracker? Not Today. A Grocery Shopper's Taletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.8067852011-01-10T11:59:32-05:002011-05-25T18:25:24-04:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
My quest began at one of my neighborhood's fancy food stores. I know what I'm in for as soon as I walk through its doors, I bop to the sound of "ka-ching, ka-ching."
Not any cracker would do. I wanted something with a little something in it, rosemary sounded perfect as it would pair well with the soft cheese I'd selected. (One 'selects' items in fancy stores.)
At the register, the five items I bought rang up to $29.00. The box of crackers was $3.99, the liter of sparkling bottled water, $3.00. "I'm sorry," I said to the cashier, "I think I'll put the water and crackers back." I was proud of myself. I'm sick and tired of leaving stores with one bag of groceries and no balanced meal inside - for what I spent, there should be. It's not all right with me anymore.
Before leaving the store, I'd already planned my next stop - the corner greengrocer. "You should've gone there in the first place," my inner frugal voice scolded.
I marched around the corner already savoring the savings I was about to enjoy. I spotted the cracker section immediately, went straight to rosemary, picked up the box and stared at the sticker in disbelief. I guess the corner store's rent is pretty high because the crackers sure were - $4.59.
"When did your prices go up?" I asked the lady behind the counter. I was holding the box hoping that she'd say it was a mistake. "Around the corner a box of these costs just three dollars."
"That's what they cost, that's what they cost," she said with her hand in front of her mouth as she continued to eat. I put the box back and plotted my next move. "You should've gone there in the first place, you know the bigger the store, especially a chain, the bigger the store, the lower the prices," that little voice said. I sensed some annoyance.
The cold air made me walk quickly to the supermarket. I rushed to the gourmet aisle and spotted the rosemary crackers. "Ha," I thought. "At last, they will be mine." Not really, at $4.99, not today. The first box at $3.99 was beginning to look like the bargain of the century.
At the end, I gave up on rosemary and settled on another brand that had a gourmet-ish, British name for $2.99. I found a smaller bottle of sparkling water for an even two dollars.
I walked home nodding my head. It took three stores to find one box of crackers that wouldn't threaten my balanced budget or clog my arteries. Sorry it took so long, Polly, wanna half a cracker?]]>Regifting: The Gift You Keep Givingtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.8013382011-01-02T22:50:00-05:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
We don't like regifting. We think it's inconsiderate and takes the thoughtfulness out of giving. People take great care in choosing gifts (or at least we do); it's not about the cost but the sentiment. Many look at a present as something to cherish, but regifters look at presents as mere stuff. It wasn't good enough for them or they didn't need it, so back in the box it goes with fresh wrapping.
Regifting can be hurtful. Once, I gave a friend a beautiful music box that played her favorite song. I was so happy when I found it and didn't care that it was more than what I had planned to spend. She gave it to someone else and, like Yvette's friend, had no problems telling me. It makes me start wondering whether we really know our friends.
If someone gives you something you really don't want or need, ask if it's all right for you to return it. Or, if there's a gift receipt, return it to the store and get something else and let them know how thankful you were for the gift and that you were able to get something just as special. Yvette's friend should have let her know that she had no use for the table. She could have explained that her sister could use the table and asked Yvette if it was all right to pass it along.
Regifting this year will probably be popular. Do you really want to run into someone wearing or using a present you thought was perfect for someone who instead regifted it? (Regifters often forget about the three degrees of separation.)
Let's bring back the beauty of the art of thoughtful giving.]]>When Gifts Come with Gabtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7937512010-12-23T15:14:00-05:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
Somehow, giving a running commentary on a present takes the giftyness out of it. A good gift is thoughtful and may take time to find. But there's no need to explain that when you give the present. And there's never a need to point out to a person how difficult it is shopping for them. It's not like you were asked for a present.
Of course, you can always ask, but that also can take the fun out of gifting. It also puts the other person in the position of asking for their own gift! If you're thinking about giving money, just give it, don't offer a choice between something to wear or money unless you're the designer of the hottest line of clothing out there.
Keep Secret Santas secret. Yvette feels accosted when co-workers, trying to be sly, begin asking questions about her bathing, reading and sweet tooth habits.
"It's like a secret hunt," she said.
There will be those presents during our lifetimes that will beg the question, "What were they thinking?" They were thinking of you and wanted to give you something nice, that's all. Be as gracious as you can. You may never touch it or use it, and if you decided to re-gift it, send it to the other side of the country. (Re-gifting can be very tricky, even hurtful.)
For the person who has everything -- and they shouldn't be faulted for that -- there's always something you can do that's significant. Give the unexpected, think out of the usual gift box, but whatever you do, put a wrap on the gab.
]]>Shrimp Chasers and Double Dipperstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7962722010-12-17T14:07:29-05:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
Never double dip. Dumplings are very popular and so is the sauce that's usually served with them. If it's a small, bite sized dumpling, one dip is enough. If it's a larger dumpling, some think it's fine to dip, eat, turn and dip the other side. One dip is really enough no matter how big the dumpling. The same goes for crudite and the sacred shrimp. Double dipping is sort of like a stranger taking a bite out of your food and putting in back on your plate. And remember, few people arrive at a cocktail party and wash their hands before touching the food.
Cocktail hour at weddings can be very misleading by the abundance of food. The plates are small so it doesn't take much to pile them high with food. It's all right to return and get a fresh plate, especially if there are several stations. When dinner is announced simply leave the plate on a table. No need to walk into dinner with dinner.
Cheers!
]]>Happy Holidating!tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7909922010-12-09T16:21:00-05:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
One friend shared an experience she had last Christmas. She'd been dating a man for five months. The closer the holiday season got, the more uncomfortable the relationship became. She could tell that he had something to tell her, and she wanted to ask him about his plans but feared putting him on the spot. She had never met any of his family, not even the cousin he frequently spoke about.
She took a poll amongst friends (male and female) and the consensus was to ask him. And so she did.
"What are your plans for the holiday?" He laid them out, and they did not include her.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Nothing", she answered, casually.
"Oh."
After one more dinner, she received an e-mail from him wishing her a happy holiday. "I should have known better; he'd never introduced me to his people, and he'd met my family. In our family, we don't hear wedding bells when we meet someone's date."
What's the lesson? A holiday is simply like any other day for many. However, there's nothing wrong with extending an invitation to someone you like. But holidays shouldn't be used as tools of gauging a relationship. If you choose to do that, consider the results. They may not be to your liking. Five months isn't a little amount of time, but it's not a lifetime.
No matter what, if knowing someone's plans is important to you, the sooner you ask, the better. And whatever you do, don't make New Year's Eve the torture test of a relationship. Many have had the worst of times and the best of times. It's really a crap shoot.
The e-mailer could have picked up the phone. Commitment (or lack thereof) isn't a social grace, but how you handle it is. Maybe some of us are just too hot to handle. Ha!]]>Twin Etiquette: What Not to Say When Talking to Identical Twinstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7869292010-12-03T20:02:00-05:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
When we were little girls, adults used to ask us to stand back to back to see who was taller. And since we had to respect our elders and not express to them how that made us feel, we did it. The back to back and side by side tests were sometimes cruel. They would go so far as to say who was prettier. Twin enthusiasts also make the odd assumption or at least act like our hearing isn't too swift. How many times have we heard and watched people talk about us while we're standing there? We've been twins all of our lives, so we don't understand the fascination that singletons have with us. And nothing is more curious when someone says, "I always wanted to be a twin," as if it's all fun and games. In fact, a common question is, "Did you play tricks on your teachers/friends/boyfriends?"
"Are you the right one?" a woman asked me.
"I'm Yvonne. Is that all right?" I replied. What the woman meant to ask was whether I was the twin she knew.
"Can't you be a little more patient with people? Try to understand people when they know you're a twin?" a friend asked.
"No," I replied. "Can't they try and understand?"
To us, we have noticeable differences. But what happens is that when people see twins, they automatically see sameness and think that there can be no differences.
The next time you see a set of identical twins, consider these dos and don'ts from us:
Don't ask twins if one feels the other's pain. It's a very dull and uninspiring question. The same goes for the question, "Are you twins?"
Don't ask who's the oldest. This has more impact than you think. We have a friend who has twins and won't tell the boys who's the older because she doesn't want them to take on younger/older brother roles. They're just minutes apart.
Do feel free to say, "Hello, Yvonne." If it's the wrong name, it's okay, we'll tell you. No need to play a guessing game.
Do be mindful of how often the same questions are asked.
Do speak in your adult voice. For some reason people fall into a baby voice when they talk to us.
Don't point out similarities and differences when twins are present, or make a big deal, especially among other people. Consider other guests.
Don't feel compelled to give both twins a compliment just because both are standing in front of you (e.g., "Yvette, you like nice. So do you, Yvonne").
Do respect twins as individuals, despite their DNA.
Don't walk up to a twin and say, "You're not speaking to me?" Obviously, it's the twin you don't know.
Yvette and I have four other siblings, and they are just as special and unique. We've been told that we're miracles. We're not. We're just twins.]]>Holiday Etiquette: Don't Be a Turkey This Thanksgivingtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7881172010-11-25T12:15:00-05:002012-01-14T06:54:18-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
For hosts:
Be honest. If a guest asks what they should bring, tell them. There's nothing worse than seeing your supply of wine and champagne dwindle, sparkling cider just isn't the same.
Be ready to receive guests; they shouldn't see you sweating over the bird. Don't make them feel compelled to help out with the dinner -- they came to eat, not prepare.
Try not to give a blow-by-blow of the dinner's preparation (e.g., "I made the stuffing at midnight! I got up at the crack of dawn to boil the sweet potatoes"). There is an excellent book, "Timing Is Everything," by Jack Piccolo.
Speaking of timing, if you've asked guests to come at 5 p.m., don't make them wait until 7 p.m. to eat.
Plan a balanced, well-rounded menu. You want your guests to have enough food, but 10 different things to eat could turn into a mishmosh of mismatched flavors and actually begin to look like mush on a plate.
Let guests eat in peace. No need to keep asking them if they need anything.
Be gracious when your cooking is complimented. No one will know you left out the thyme unless you tell them.
If you discover that someone is a vegan, don't make a big deal out of it. They'll know to skip the macaroni and cheese.
When it's time to clear the table, try not to enlist the help of every guest at the table. And don't disappear into the kitchen to wash the dishes. This looks like you're trying to get a leg up on things. That's rude. (If you have a small kitchen, loading the dishwasher is okay but don't run it.)
Toast your guests, thanking them for being part of the day.
Try not to yawn in front of your company. This may look like you're bored or sleepy.
For guests:
Don't be late. There is no excuse.
Even if your hosts said they don't need anything, take a bottle of something or a small gift.
If you've offered to bring a dessert, bring dessert, not a platter of deviled eggs as a surprise.
We like flowers but if you're being hosted by someone who's doing all the work, consider an arrangement so that they won't have to stop and tend to the flowers.
Offer to help, but don't barge into the kitchen and start doing things.
Don't just grab a seat at the table; your host may have a seating plan.
Before the meal, wash your hands without making a general announcement.
Turn off your cellphone.
Don't talk about how much you love dressing with oysters when there is no oyster dressing on the table.
If you have dietary restrictions, let your host know in advance.
Don't talk about your diet and how you're being a bad girl as you butter your second roll.
Dress appropriately; not every day is a jeans day.
If you have a lonely friend with no place to go, don't invite them along hoping that your host will understand. Your friend will only feel lonelier when there's no seat for him/her at the table.
Give thanks and toast your hosts.
]]>What to Say And Not Say to a Divorced Friendtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7847182010-11-17T15:11:37-05:002011-05-25T18:15:22-04:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
Unless you're on the witness stand, this is not the time to bring out dirty, little secrets you've harbored for years about your friend's mate. Never, never reveal rumors because that's probably all they are.
There is never a need to say, "I never saw what you saw in him anyway." You weren't supposed to. "I never liked him." You didn't have to like him. "I didn't like the way he treated you." This may be a fact for some but now that the marriage is over there's no reason for you to talk about what you liked and didn't like now.
Now is the time for all good friends to show the good. Do the listening and keep your mouth shut. The divorce tunnel is long and dark, some how try and help your friend see the light in the future without dragging in the past. Think of what would make you feel good to hear if you were in the same situation. Calling your friend's ex an asshole is beyond terrible especially if they have children because then you're calling the children part assholes. You're also calling your friend a bigger one. This is when we encourage talking behind one's back. It is far less hurtful and harmful.
Divorce is loss. When people die others always remember them as heroes, as the kindest, nicest, would do anything for you kind of person. Maybe your friend's mate wasn't all of that but once upon of time they were in her eyes. Keep that in mind when she reaches out for you. Impress upon them how good they are and how good the relationship was once and now it's not. Like Miles Davis said about one of his marriages, "It was good and then it wasn't good anymore." This may not be music to everyone's ears but it's true.]]>Elaine of Elaine's on Dining, Wining and Whiningtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7800242010-11-10T14:12:58-05:002011-05-25T18:10:25-04:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/My sister and I have been to Elaine's just a few times. It's the best people watching and clams oreganato in town, we believe. A few months ago we asked her about life at Elaine's, as an observer and saloonkeeper.
Asked if she ever goes gaga over the famous people that come to her restaurant known for it's famous clientele that includes prolific writers, film makers and actors, Elaine Kaufman, owner of the famous Elaine's on New York's Upper East Side, thinks for a moment, looks at Diane Becker, the restaurant's superb, no nonsense manager, and says, "Sidney Poitier was awesome. "And remember Harry Belafonte?" Diane reminds her. "Yeah, great," adds Elaine. "But when Fellini and his wife came in with Marcello Mastrioianni..." her voice trails off as if she's reliving that amazing moment.
"We have some funny people coming here, most of them are fine and then there are those whose demands aren't consistent with manners," she points out.
Here are some of Elaine's dos, don'ts and some things she can't do anything about.
Don't walk up to a table and gush as someone's about to take a bite, no matter how fabulous they are or how drunk you are.
"They're about to eat and someone actually is coming up to tap them to get their attention," Elaine said while nodding her head in disbelief.
Don't even try dropping Elaine's name in your quest for what you think is a better table.
"You get what you get. Any table you're sitting at should be a good table and if you're that insecure, no table is going to be right." Diane adds, "Saying you know Elaine won't do anything for you."
Don't come in with your own bottle of wine (some people actually do this).
"We tell them we sell wine and food."
Don't send back a bottle and ask for another of the same.
"We won't do it. We tell them they won't be happy, try something else."
Don't take your drink to the bathroom.
Asked why this happens, Elaine responded, "Because they're stupid."
Don't ever put your feet on the chairs.
"We'll yell, "Take your feet off the chair."
Do dress properly, no shorts please.
"There's not much to do about it once they get in.
Do be kind to the staff.
"One guy, a writer, used to be very rude. He changed his ways when he married, his wife would threaten to walk out."
Do feel free to ask if you can order off the menu.
"Doesn't mean you're going to get it."
Things Elaine can't do anything about:
Doggie bags: They're a given, it's okay but I can't believe that people would take such small amount of food home and actually eat it."
Sharing meals: "I don't like it. It's not like they can't afford it."
Like many, we to covet a table along the wall, but we know wherever we are, like Elaine said, "It's a good table." Cheers!
]]>Obesity Mannerstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7568902010-10-12T13:26:00-04:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
"He broke the leg of an antique chair because of his weight and also didn't sit on it properly. Then he knocked a table over that sent a very expensive lamp crashing to the floor," a friend recounted about a guest. What did he do? I just smiled and made a joke and asked, "What else are you considering for extinction?" His way of handling the situation was with humor. Even his guest laughed. Whatever you do, don't start sulking and talking about how valuable something was. Maybe the chair was delicate to begin with and anyone could've caused the chair's leg to break.
"I've broken a few chairs," says and good friend, Standish Benton, who weighs 361 pounds. "I once broke a chair in Mexico and everyone laughed."
Should a person offer to pay for a repair? Our friend with the broken chair said he wouldn't ask. "If a person breaks a piece of furniture because of their weight, they should at least offer to pay for the repair," said an aunt of an overweight niece. "They should know better before sitting down." Standish has replaced chairs and offered to pay for the repair. "I think one person accepted the money."
If you think a piece of furniture can't handle but so much weight, you should show your guest to a seat where you'll know they'll be safe. But it cuts both ways, if you think that a chair may not be sturdy enough for your weight, there's nothing wrong with saying, "I think I'll sit on the sofa, if you don't mind." Make your host feel comfortable by letting them know what makes you more comfortable. "I know that I'm not going to sit in a folding chair. It has to be sturdy made of wood or steel," Standish said.
"I have a friend who's obese and when she comes to town, I make sure I have a few restaurants for her to choose from where I'll know she'll be comfortable," explained a New Yorker. "I worry when we go to the movies, but so far, it hasn't been a problem. And I never say anything, the last thing I want to do is hurt her feelings. That's not right."
As far as conversation goes, we all have to learn to live in a world where slips of the tongue and poor choices of words happen and can be hurtful. Be sensitive to who's sitting at the table, don't bring up Weight Watchers if there's a person at the table who could use some weight watching. If that person brings up the subject of weight you can listen, but don't make it the hot topic of the evening. We find this kind of conversation on the dull side and it goes nowhere fast. If something is said that can be construed as a dig to a person's weight, let it go, no kicking under the table. The reaction of the kicked could create an embarrassing mess.
Standish isn't bothered when the subject of weight comes up. "It's like talking about real estate in New York. What else do we talk about besides weight and real estate?" he laughs. Interestingly, he doesn't see himself as fat. "I like to dress well, I have swagger, I'm confidant and shower three times a day, so no one can say I'm fat and smelly." He finds that people have no compunction about dissing heavy people. "People say things about us and to us that they would never say to another person considered different or a minority." When one of his doctors made a hostile comment about his weight, he couldn't find a new one fast enough.
"People make all kinds of assumptions," he points out. "Just because I had knee surgery they think it's because of my weight.
Keep compliments honest and earnest. They shouldn't have the tone of surprise that says, "For a fat person you look terrific. One of the most elegant men we know is a big guy and like Standish he has a great sense of style. His social graces outweigh his weight. When people pay him a compliment on his impeccable appearance, it has nothing to do with his big he is.
If you're having a dinner party, no need to go buy a whole side of a cow because you've decided, and most likely, wrongly, that one person is going to eat a huge quantity of food. Sure there should be enough, but as a host, it's more important for you to know if your guests have any food allergies or if there are foods they absolutely won't eat. And don't take it upon yourself to put an overweight guest on a diet, cook as you usually do. If you're known for your baking, don't become the food police and serve a fruit salad.
At the end of the day or dinner, when it comes to exhibiting manners with respect to obesity, we suggest that you aim to be the biggest in the room.]]>Bed Bug Etiquettetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.7145712010-09-15T15:12:00-04:002011-11-17T09:02:45-05:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
This is not the time to be secretive, classicist and dishonest. We three close friends who've had bed bugs and we're proud to say, they handled it honestly, i.e., beautifully despite the great expense, inconvenience and angst.
Here's what you have to do:
As soon as you're sure that you have bed bugs, you must alert your building's management office, coop and condo board and definitely your neighbors (One friend's neighbors were miffed that he brought up such an unpleasant subject and made snide remarks as if they were his problem solely, he also learned that neighbors had had an insect problem and brought in their own exterminator. Obviously not a good one, our friend went through two battles of the bugs.) Sometimes management will absorb some of the costs because they're responsible especially when they've kept it a secret for fear of lowering property values or rental possibilities.
This is not the time to be thrifty. It's important to get a professional on the case; this could mean visits from the bed bug dog before and after treatment. Puppy love of this sort could cost a few hundred. Make sure he/she is the real thing.
Alert people who have been recent guests. If you've been invited to someone's house for a dinner or weekend, let them know. Find a way to make them feel comfortable by declining the invitation before they have to rescind it. "I don't think it's a good idea that I visit you at this time. When I'm sure the problem has been solved, I'll let you know and we can reschedule." Don't make it their problem.
Dry cleaning and hot air apparently can kill the bugs, but you have to let your dry cleaner know, they may not want to handle infested clothing for fear of passing it on to other customers. When clothes do come back keep them in tightly closed plastic bags.
A professional exterminator will provide a special steamer like canvas trunk for you to literally cook your clothes and items such as briefcases.
Refrain from giving friends vintage items if you're not sure they were properly cleaned. If you're a thrift shop shopper, carefully inspect all items before you leave the store and still whisk them off to a dry cleaner.
Do the right thing and the bed bugs won't bite. We hope. ]]>One African-American Family's Journey to Judaismtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2010:/theblog//3.6608362010-07-29T07:33:22-04:002011-05-25T17:10:24-04:00Yvonne Duranthttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/yvonne-durant/
"It's an explosion of luuuv!" Elyse yells from the kitchen as she admires the golden challah loaves that she and her daughter Sydnee have prepared for the evening's Shabbat.
This night will be like no other night I've experienced with a Jewish family. While I have been a guest for many years at my friend Maggie Klein's family Passovers (I come armed with containers to take home matzo ball soup and charoset, and Maggie's sister, Fran Fink, is happy to fill them up), where I addressed the late matriarch as "Mother Klein," I have never been the guest of a Modern Orthodox African-American family. Tonight I will be one of two Gentiles, the other being Elyse's sister, Arnette Haynes, and we'll be joined by two other couples -- six children in all, and two dogs.
Elyse has just an hour to pull it all together. "What's not done at a certain time won't be done," she says. On the kitchen table, there are plates of colorful foods. Two of the four challah are made with chocolate chips, a request from her husband Mark, who's just come in from work, with nine-year-old Isaiah bounding in behind him. Mark grabs his yarmulke and says to his son, "Come on, we have to go, we have six minutes."
The Andersons converted to Judaism four years ago via an interesting and poignant journey.
Mark was adopted. He began his search for his biological parents five years ago and learned that his mother was Judy Rosen, a white Jewish woman living in Florida. "Had I waited 30 more days to look for her, none of this would've happened because Louise Wyse, the adoption agency, closed." Both of Mark's adoptive parents died.
When Mark first contacted his biological mother, she was very apprehensive. "I wasn't ready," she explained by phone from her home in Boca Raton. "But after a few weeks I called him. I saw him for four years before I said anything to anyone else." Rosen had become pregnant by a black man in the 1960s: "It was all very hush, hush, and already a difficult time," she said. Her mother had just been diagnosed with cancer, and Rosen had been in a terrible car accident. In fact, it was a doctor at the hospital who announced to her unknowing parents, "She didn't lose the baby."
When Mark learned that his mother was Jewish, he called a friend and said, "Guess what? I'm Jewish." Most friends weren't surprised, because they always knew he was mixed with something. Mark's journey began by going to synagogue with his friends. His mother didn't have a clue that he and Elyse were exploring converting to Judaism. Elyse, a marketing consultant and freelance writer, chose to study at the Jewish Community Center in Tenafly. "I realized through my studies that I shared the views of an Orthodox person," she said. "I think that way and knew that's who I am." Before converting there was a moment when she had second thoughts, after Israel bombed Lebanon in 2006. She remembered seeing pictures of a bombed-out Beirut. "I don't believe in bombing," she said. "It took a few days for me to rationalize this. I spoke to my rabbi. I had to battle myself. In the end, I realized I was free to be a Jew. My faith is not my race and it's not my politics."
I know the Andersons through a tight group of African Americans, of whom most, if not all, are Christians. I wondered how their conversion was accepted. Elyse said, "For the most part, our friends were very supportive and came for Shabbat and really enjoyed themselves, and then there were those who couldn't understand." One member of her family still isn't convinced. Her sister Arnette, a Born-Again Christian, comes to Shabbat often and goes to shul, too. Elyse laughs when she imitates her late father, who wholly accepted her becoming Jewish. He'd come to Shabbat, and when his phone rang he'd answer in a loud whisper, "I can't talk, I'm at Shabbat!"
Elyse is no-nonsense when it comes to her religion. "As with any convert," she said, "the three things I have agreed to do is to continue to study and teach the Torah to my children, observe the Sabbath and go to the Mikvah once a month." In the beginning, she admits, it was hard to turn down invitations during the Sabbath. "But now I like stepping off the merry-go-round."
Her husband isn't a rule-follower. He'll pose questions to his rabbi such as, "Who says I can't ride my bike or drive to synagogue?" He explains that he has a bad ankle and the walk to shul can be uncomfortable. The rabbi relinquished and told Mark that he can drive his car part of the way. He told Mark, "I'd rather have you here than not."
Mark, a car dealer, sometimes has to work during Shabbat. Elyse would like him to be more observant, but Mark has to work and make money. "He tries as hard as he can," Rosen said. "But she is incredible, very spiritual."
"The marriage is definitely stronger," Mark said. "We had a Hebrew wedding on the tenth anniversary of our original wedding. My wife guides me and has done a great job." Mark says he's never seen a more supportive community than this one. "When my mother came up to see us for the first time, another family insisted on making a dinner for 30 people. They didn't want Elyse to do a thing."
"It was beautiful," Rosen recalls. "I told my husband it was like a Havurah." (Havurah is Hebrew for a group, usually consisting of a group families who do things together.)
Rosen has another son by her first husband, named Howard Mark. Howard was to be named after her grandfather Harry, but there weren't many names that they liked that began with an "H," but they liked Howard. Mark, his middle name, was her ex-husbands grandfather's name. "You want to hear something?" she asks. "Mark's middle name is Howard." She adds, "As you get older, life becomes smaller and smaller and more interesting."
Before dinner, and before Mark and Isaiah return from shul, Elyse elegantly drapes a scarf over her hair and around her neck and lights the candles with another female guest. When the third woman arrives, Elyse tells her that there are still candles. Sydnee lights, too, as she's become a Bat Mitzvah.
Mark returns. First, he blesses each of the children, and then he offers a blessing to his wife and the other married women at the table. "I like to acknowledge them, too," he says.
For me, seeing this handsome man of color as he blesses the wine in Hebrew ("I'm studying, but not enough," he admits) makes me want to break rules and pull out a camera to film this other face of Judaism, the traditions and the look on Elyse's pretty face as Mark pays homage to her. As children and parents sing Shabbat songs, I think to myself that this may be more fun than the other Sabbath tradition: goyim having Happy Hour drinks to celebrate the beginning of our Sabbath.
Sydnee proudly shows me the pictures of her Bat Mitzvah. "These are friends in my grade at school," she says. "These are my friends from Jack and Jill. That's one of the rabbis who stopped by. There were 200 people."
When she was first told that the family was no longer celebrating Christmas, Sydnee was sad. But her eyes light up as she points out that Chanukah is eight days long. "Multiple gifts and lots of candy," she says.
"Are you the right one?" a woman asked me. 