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Entries by Andy Borowitz from 02/2009

Phelps Congratulates Cardinals on Super Bowl Win

| Posted 02.02.2009 | Comedy

"The Cardinals really tore it up last night," said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got "a wicked attack of the munchies" late in the fourth quarter.

Obama Considers Tax on Cabinet

| Posted 02.03.2009 | Politics

President Obama is mulling a controversial new tax program that would require members of his Cabinet to pay taxes owed under the Federal tax code, the White House confirmed today.

A-Rod Backs Stimulus

| Posted 02.09.2009 | Comedy

"Sometimes when you have to get the job done, you need a shot in the arm," said Mr. Rodriguez. "This stimulus sounds like it could be that injection."

Geithner Warns His Talking Could Cause Depression

| Posted 02.11.2009 | Politics

"The nation's economy is in a crisis that could easily turn into a catastrophe," the Treasury Secretary said. "In this precarious state, it is highly vulnerable to my talking."

Obama Seeks New Commerce Secretary on Craigslist

| Posted 02.13.2009 | Politics

The president's online gambit seemed to pay off early in the day, when Josh Hurtstein, an indie rock musician from Williamsburg, Brooklyn, tentatively accepted the post.

Madoff Blames Ponzi Scheme on Youth, Immaturity

| Posted 02.17.2009 | Business

Madoff pleaded for understanding, explaining, "You do all kinds of crazy things when you're at an impressionable age like 60 or 61."

U.S. Nationalizes Illinois Senate Seat

| Posted 02.23.2009 | Politics

The White House quickly defended the measure, arguing that Burris' seat had become a "zombie seat" that was a drain on the rest of the Senate.

G.O.P. Rehearsing Grumpy Facial Expressions for Obama's Speech

| Posted 02.24.2009 | Politics

While no text of the President's address has been released to the press, Republican leaders have already promised to respond to it with the grouchiest facial expressions in history.

Grateful Nation Thanks Jindal for Gift of Laughter

| Posted 02.25.2009 | Comedy

Across the country, Americans of all walks of life are giving thanks to Gov. Jindal for giving them the most precious gift of all: the gift of laughter.

CIA Following Bin Laden on Twitter

| Posted 02.27.2009 | World

The decision to track Mr. bin Laden's movements, moods, and musical tastes came late last week after the agency discovered he was using the popular social networking utility.