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Entries by Andy Borowitz from 12/2009

Afghanistan Could Distract Media From Tiger, Experts Fear

| Posted 12.02.2009 | Comedy

Media critics are expressing concern that the focus on Afghanistan could distract the media from getting to the bottom of the Tiger Woods story.

First Draft of Tiger's Official Statement Leaked

| Posted 12.02.2009 | Comedy

The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes.

Comcast to America: Watch Leno or We'll Cut Off Your Cable

| Posted 12.03.2009 | Comedy

Comcast customers who do not "cooperate" with the Leno edict can expect their cable service to be interrupted, "and a Comcast service representative will be at your house to fix it between the hours of twelve and never."

Tiger Changes Facebook Status to "It's Incredibly Fucking Complicated"

| Posted 12.04.2009 | Comedy

While there have been different reports about the number of women with whom Woods has been involved, the consensus is that the tally exceeds the number of troops Obama has ordered sent to Afghanistan.

Tiger's Mistresses March on Washington

| Posted 12.06.2009 | Comedy

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.

Hundreds of Autograph-Seekers Wait in Line While Palin Struggles to Spell Name

| Posted 12.07.2009 | Comedy

Palin's book tour hit a snag today at the Mall of America as hundreds of autograph seekers waited in line as the former Alaska governor tried in vain to spell her name.

New iPhone App Allows User to Call People, Talk to Them

| Posted 12.08.2009 | Comedy

In what is widely expected to be a game-changer in the mobile phone industry, Apple Inc. today unveiled a new "killer app" that will enable users to call people on their iPhones and talk to them.

Poll: Majority of Americans Hope Decade Turns Out to Be Dream Sequence

| Posted 12.09.2009 | Comedy

The professor who supervised the survey said that the proliferation of hoaxes, such as Balloon Boy and the Salahis, may have contributed to the sense that the decade was just a bad dream.

Obama Sends Predator Drone to Pick Up Nobel Peace Prize

| Posted 12.10.2009 | Comedy

Obama's decision to have an unmanned bomber plane accept the Peace Prize raised eyebrows in diplomatic circles, as well as concerns about whether the plane was accurate enough for such a delicate mission.

Obama Gives Hanukkah Wishes in Hebrew; Birthers Now Claim He Was Born in Israel

| Posted 12.11.2009 | Comedy

Orly Taitz, a leading Birther spokesperson, said today that she had in her possession a birth certificate for Mr. Obama that was issued in Tel Aviv.

Slain Al-Qaeda Leader Posthumously Named Employee of the Month

| Posted 12.12.2009 | Comedy

In a new videotape broadcast today on Al-Jazeera, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden named fallen terrorist Abu Yahya al-Libi Al-Qaeda's "Employee of the Month" for December.

Hoping to Win Second Nobel Peace Prize, Obama Invades Iran

| Posted 12.13.2009 | Comedy

Mr. Obama said that if his quest for a second Nobel is successful, he would bomb North Korea. "I have just one word for you," he said. "Three-peat."

This Gift Could Save Your Job

| Posted 12.14.2009 | Comedy

Nowadays, Santa's favorite reindeer game is sacking Blitzen if he isn't pulling his weight, thus downsizing the team from an unwieldy eight to a lean and mean seven.

Lieberman Vows to Fight for Assholes

| Posted 12.15.2009 | Comedy

While Lieberman's decision to align himself with the nation's a-holes could be a high-risk strategy, politically speaking, a new poll of likely Connecticut voters indicates that they are a key constituency for him.

Obama Transfers Balls to Lieberman in White House Ceremony

| Posted 12.16.2009 | Comedy

Called the "Balls Summit" by White House aides, the ceremony was intended as an official acknowledgment of Mr. Lieberman's complete control of the nation's health care future.

Senate Unveils CompromiseCare™

| Posted 12.16.2009 | Comedy

Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan, and Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.

Iranian Twitter Hackers Briefly Silence Narcissists

| Posted 12.18.2009 | Comedy

A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army briefly hacked the social messaging service Twitter last night, frustrating the efforts of narcissists to share their most mundane and banal thoughts.

The Decade in Review: A Tweet

| Posted 12.20.2009 | Comedy

Between now and New Year's, gas-bags of every stripe will be offering their bloated reviews of the decade about to end. Since I believe that all human thought can be compressed into 140 characters or less, I offer instead this tweet.

Cameron to Follow Up Avatar With Emoticon

| Posted 12.21.2009 | Comedy

Building on the momentum of his latest blockbuster, Avatar, director James Cameron announced his next project, a special-effects-laden extravaganza called Emoticon.

Boehner Calls Tanning Tax 'Attack on Orange Americans'

| Posted 12.22.2009 | Comedy

The Senate's efforts to introduce a tax on tanning beds hit a roadblock today as Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) blasted the idea, calling it "a blatant attack on Orange Americans."

Married Jonas Brother Says Sex Not Worth the Wait

| Posted 12.23.2009 | Comedy

Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

Judge Calls Balloon Dad Flight Risk

| Posted 12.23.2009 | Comedy

Explaining his motives behind the balloon hoax in open court, Mr. Heene haltingly told the judge, "I did it... for the show."

Lieberman Calls Prescription Plan Unnecessary; "I've Been Off My Meds For Years"

| Posted 12.24.2009 | Comedy

Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) took Mr. Lieberman's comments in stride, saying only that they "explained a lot."

Santa Downed By Predator Drone

| Posted 12.25.2009 | Comedy

The CIA confirmed reports that an unmanned predator drone accidentally hit Santa Claus' sleigh on Christmas Eve, killing Santa Claus and injuring an undetermined number of reindeer.

Airline Terror Suspect Says He Follows bin Laden, But Just on Twitter

| Posted 12.26.2009 | Comedy

According to interrogators, the Twitter link between the terror suspect and al-Qaeda does not prove that he was working on instructions from bin Laden himself.