Don't be intimidated by electronic voting machines. There are simple instructions in English, Spanish, and Tea Party.
Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was "flabbergasted" by the fifty-five-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase.
The GOP Senator did not appear to be intimidated by his new mission, saying, "It really plays to my strengths."
"In retrospect, I should have been more upfront about these donations," a chastened Mr. Obama told reporters today. "I don't want to do anything that makes the White House appear to be biased towards one party over another."
"We think this is a win-win situation," said MSNBC president Phil Griffin. "Our viewers will get their beloved Keith back, and we'll have him in a place that feels right for us."
The Borowitz Report has obtained an advance copy of former President George W. Bush's memoir and discovered that the book contains a "Where's Waldo?" foldout section with WMDs.
According to a Somali pirate spokesperson, the recent fire that crippled the giant cruise ship Carnival Splendor "has sent a shiver through the pirate community."
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to do is talk to Cheney.
Dr. Davis Logsdon said that the TV program purporting to show the former governor in Alaska "is the biggest hoax perpetrated on the American people since the faked moon landing in 1969."
"I guess I thought no one would notice, as long as it had a different ending," chuckled Mr. Bush, who stood before a banner reading, "Omission Accomplished."
East Korea said it hoped that declaring war on the two more famous Koreas would establish a new reputation for the often-ignored country "as the angriest and craziest Korea out there."