That's what a dildo is for. It's an emotionless penis, which is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.
How do you get him to shut up? Really? By the sound of your email I think you know how to do this. Anyway, I bet there are a lot of envious 50 Shades of Grey lovers that are reading this and thinking they might not mind being you. Heck, I wouldn't mind being you.
Shaun Sperling's rendition of Madonna's "Vogue" as performed at his Bar Mitzvah circa 1992 and helping it go viral on YouTube, I received an instant message from a friend of mine. What was so important? He told me, no kidding, that's his friend from college.