A Modicum of Dr. Tiller's Courage
Nazi, Al Qaida, Stalin, NAMBLA. These are only a few of the comparisons the likes of Bill O'Reilly have drawn when describing Dr. George Tiller. The women whom Dr. Tiller treated use other words to describe their physician. Compassionate, gentle, kind. And most of all, courageous.
The schlock jocks have a permanent bully pulpit from which to incite violence and hatred. But what about the women whose stories are never told? What about the women who confess only in secret their tragic tales of babies with genetic and developmental abnormalities, who turn to each other to heal because to say the words out loud is too dangerous?
There are hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of us. And it's time, now, for us to try to assume a modicum of George Tiller's heroism. It's time for us to come out.
So here it is. When I was seventeen weeks pregnant with our third child, our doctor told us that the baby was suffering from a genetic abnormality. That was on a Friday. We scheduled a D&E, a two-day procedure, for the following Tuesday and Wednesday.
The next five days were without question the most difficult of our lives, both separately, and together, as a family. We consulted our parents, our friends, our rabbi. We went to a therapist who specialized in helping parents make this kind of decision. Mostly, we sat together, crying, and talking and trying to figure out which choice would be less wrong.
We didn't hide from the facts. We felt our baby kicking, we knew exactly what would happen to him during the course of the procedure. He had a name.
We kept the appointment. We had the abortion. It broke our hearts.
The only thing worse would have been not to do it.
During those five awful days, there was one thing we never needed to think about. Because we live in California, in the Bay Area, we had an abortion provider, the wonderful, loving, competent and proficient hero of our unheroic story, a physician who had spent his career bringing babies into the world, and who had decided that what the world needed, what our community was sorely missing, was a doctor who would, with a sure hand, and a kind heart, ease them out. By the time we became his patients, he was exclusively performing abortions, one of those doctors like George Tiller whom pro-life advocates like to call mass-murderers, and whose homes they stake out, whose windows they shatter with rocks. The doctors who are shot in the back as they make their way to church on a sunny Sunday morning.
Sitting in my doctor's office, I couldn't stop crying. Finally, he reached behind his desk and pulled a large stack of photographs off his shelf. The pictures were of babies. Babies of every color, shape and size. For a moment, I wondered how he could be so cruel. Then he asked me,
"Do you know what these are?"
I shook my head.
"These are the babies born to women who were once my patients. Look at them."
I leafed through the stack. I wasn't the first to have cried over these pictures. Many of them were already marked with stains from other people's tears.
"Every one of these babies is healthy. Every one is wanted. Every one is loved," he said. "And you will have another baby. A healthy baby who you will love."
"Do you promise?" I asked, as if he had the capacity to grant the wish. As if he was the one spinning the awful Roulette wheel.
"Yes," he said. "I promise."
On our way out, he took my husband aside, put his hands on his shoulders, looked him in the eye and said, "I will take care of her for you."
And take care of me he did. With his sure hand and his good heart. And soon, I added my own photograph to that collection. I will never forget that doctor's kindness, just like the patients of the blessed Dr. George Tiller will never forget his.
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I will try to make this short...
I am sick at heart by my fellow Kansans who have taken it upon themselves to e-mail the local news stations, blasting Dr. George, in the wake of his assassination. Who made YOU God? "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Remember that? Oh, that's right, you have decided that you are both judge and jury. You have decided that YOU are God.
If I were you, I would be VERY fearful of how the Lord will judge you for taking such delight in someone's murder. This is not for any of us to decide. Who do you think you are? Look up the word, "Karma." I dare you!
And, to balance it out, thank you to all of those supporters of Dr. Tiller who came forward and humanized him, giving solace to his family, friends and patients - the ones who really knew him.
I chose to have an abortion and file for divorce. I did both and I am happier for it. I would have been a single, unemployed mother with 2 children, and no job as family leave only last 3 months and a pregnancy lasts 9 months = 3 month recovery, with 2 mortgages and a mountain of bills with no husband or income. What were my options? Welfare? I could not see myself going from making 100, 000 per year to welfare which for 2 children is what 500? Midnight feedings by myself, waking up to a toddler by day and staying up with a newborn at night? I think it is sad that we live in the land of the free yet everyone has an opinion on how other people choose to live their lives. IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what someone else chooses. Are you anti-abortion people creating agencies to help assist these women w fianancial, emotional, and physical support? How can religous fanatics justify murder when your argument is pro-life? Contradicting and hypocritical to say the least. If you don't beleive in abortion, don't have one. It's simple. If you don't beleive in gay marraige, don't marry someone who is gay. I am so sick and tired of people and their crazy religous stances, let he who is without sin caste the first stone. God will decide, until then please people stay in your own lane and mind your own business.
They have no empathy. They really think people with stories like yours don't really exist, because they don't personally know people who've told them stories like yours.
Here's the rest of my post!!
When we are in close proximity with people who fight for the little things in life, several things happen.
1. We gain perspective. His eyes have helped me see the jaw dropping beauty of this planet, the intricacy of a fluffy dandelion, the warmth of the sun, the sparkle of a lake in the summer, the kickass poetry of Bob Dylan (his favorite musician).
2. We meet the gentle and most beautiful souls on this planet, those who work with people with disabilities. I meet the most amazing people on a daily basis: the smiling lady at the grocery store who compliments Noah on how good he is, the little five year old boy who told me at the park that Noah was cute, the little old Greek men at my church who tell me that they love when Noah joins in the Byzantine chanting.
3. We grow to be more loving. My other children treat Noah like any other sibling. They also have softened edges. My kids didn't bat an eye when they met my hip friend in a wheelchair or the homeless guy who everyone else thinks is stinky. They just accept and love, and I can't help but feel that Noah taught them that.
It IS HARD to raise a child with disabilities. I won't pretend it isn't, but it's generally hard to be a parent. I wanted to know my son and for him to know me.
And I'm happy for BOTH of you that you made that choice. It's the same one that my wife and I would make under the circumstances. The DIFFERENCE between you and I is that I would allow a different woman to make a different choice, whereas you are trying to tell her that she MUST bring that child into the world and MUST raise it!
If you read what Ayelet has written previously, the diagnosis was not a sure thing, nor was it a fatal one. If realized, the condition would have involved mental disability and possible medical conditions.
In a previous article Ayelet says, "I wanted a genetically perfect child, and I could control that." And so she did.
I am the mother of a boy with disabilities; I was given the chance to end his life and I did not. Instead we have worked and played for 10 years, traveling world with cheap tickets:). This kid gets around.
His IQ is below 20. He has a g-tube as he is learning to eat by mouth. He has brain damage. He likes to sing Happy Birthday, and to unwrap presents. He has affected so many people's lives for the better.
I'm going to continue this in another post.
You're very lucky. "Traveling the world with cheap tickets" is so far beyond any financial means I've ever known, that it seems like you must enough income, one way or another, that a disabled child is not an insupportable burden to you. Enough income, so that you don't see what a different world you would live in without that money, and what drastically limited possibilities that world would allow you.
Until recently, I was in a position of extreme illness and extreme poverty. Under such circumstances, had I had the bad luck to become pregnant, an abortion would have been a mercy to us both. Had I had to bring a child into that world, I can't imagine the horror that child would grow up to feel, for life. Well, maybe I can: because when I was so ill, and so poor, that life simply wasn't worth living, I often wondered why my parents had brough me into the world, when they knew that if I suffered a medical catastrophe, they wouldn't be able to afford to protect me from it. I often wished I'd been aborted, myself, so that poverty and illness would never have had the chance to torment me.
Of course, being a man, I could never have become pregnant. But that's apparently a difference between you and me: I can imagine how it is for someone else, and muster up sympathy and understanding, based on my imagination. You don't seem to be able to do that.
Rogan, I am very sorry that you are poor and have medical problems. That sheds light on how people can feel hopeless and despair over the circumstances of life.
However, the fact remains... children and adults with disabilities are good for us and good as themselves and good for their parents and siblings.
I'm not rich. But I know that even at a 90K salary for a family of five we are STILL way better off than many people.
But that doesn't change the fact that late term abortions unless to save the life of a mother are wrong. If you read all the heartbreaking testimonials on sites like A Heartbreaking Choice, you will see that many women still are sad years after they aborted a child with Down syndrome in the late weeks of a pregnancy.
If we really want to help women, we should tell them the TRUTH. And that was the point of my posts... having a kid with disabilities can be initially devastating, but for many parents it is an enlightening, joy filled experience.
I'm sorry that you sometimes wish you had never been born! I am glad you were born. I'm glad you had parents. I'm glad that you are no longer in a place of extreme illness and poverty. I wish you a peaceful life.
But 28 week babies are people. I should know, I gave birth to one.
My mother was a o.r. nurse prior to Roe v. Wade and watched a thirteen year old girl die from a coat-hanger abortion and her 14-year old boyfriend break as a result. If she was anti-choice before that, she wasn't afterwards. Later, also before Roe v. Wade, my mom was pregnant with her third child and extremely ill. Her doctors unofficially recommended that they allow her to terminate the pregnancy because her life was in danger. She chose to continue the pregnancy despite anguishing illness. The child was born; the child was me. I am now 40 years old.
The Tiller murderis heartbreaking on so many levels; it's not only a tragedy for Dr. Tiller's family and patients and for the women he will never treat again. It's also a tragedy because it was an attempt to murder choices for all women, the choices we need to build decent lives for ourselves and our children.
Your story brought tears to my eyes. It is devastating to make such a decision.
Thank you for sharing the truth.
Well said, Julia.
O'Reilly will never come close to Dr. Tiller's courage or integrity. O'Reilly stands for all of his fellow chickenhawks who need to bully to overcompensate for severe cowardice. It was great to read this about Dr. Tiller. Hopefully, his clinic will be reopened. Rev. Bookburn - Radio Volta
a much better written, poignant account of a woman who had to make a similar choice (she too chose to have an abortion):
http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/blog/2008/09/18/all-that-we-have-chosen
At 16 weeks into my first pregnancy, we found out our baby had no skull and sadly, no chance at life. My husband and I knew what we had to do. My OB attended during my termination - I labored and delivered my tiny daughter in a clean, safe hospital 20 minutes from home. There were no picketers and no harrassment. I was given compassion and privacy. It wasn't until years later that I realized other women were not so lucky. Twelve years and three (living) children later, it is still difficult to tell my story and to read comments from people who do not understand. Thank you Ayelet - from one of your old listmates.
Thank you for your post. Thank you for being brave.
Thank you for your story.
As a man, I know I can never experience anything like the awesome responsibility of pregnancy.
And I cannot have any REAL understanding of that difficult and horrible choice the poster made.
A horrible choice among horrible choices.
I also understand how absurd it is to have so many men pontificating what women should do.
I wish the men should just shut up, butt out, and let the women decide.
I appreciate your post so much. Thank you.
I too appreciate your post. I wish more men could understand as you have. Thank you.
I can only add my appreciation to what the others have said. You are a special person. I hope someone in your life recognizes that fact.
I could never see aborting even by the doctor’s diagnosis, on the sheer fact that the diagnosis could be - and has at times been - wrong. The terror of finding out only after the abortion that the diagnosis was flawed. I couldn’t imagine. Oh, the errors probably don’t happen often, but probably enough to wait and see, and let nature take its course. It is, after all, a human life. And I prefer to give human life a few benefits of the doubt, since we’ve seen where societies go that decide that isn’t the preferred ethic to have. Likewise, if our medical establishment is so primitive as to allow so many pregnancies to go so long before figuring out there are problems, which is its own indictment on how far we have to go before we can call our healthcare provision acceptable, then there is certainly room for error. And since the general motto of the pro-life movement regarding the definition of human life is ‘there’s movement in the bushes, don’t shoot, it might be a hunter’ (as opposed to the perspective that says ‘there’s movement in the bushes, go ahead and shoot, it’s probably not a hunter’), I will err on the side of life and the natural process every time. But that’s just me.
That's fine, that's your choice, and you are more than welcome to that choice. In fact, I applaud your choice.
On the other hand, there's the other side of it, where a different person, with different life experiences, and in different circumstances, may make a different choice, and we should never tell that person that they cannot make their own choices!
Pt 2: As activists were fighting these laws (eventually to the SCOTUS in Lawrence v. TX) I began to realize that indeed I and all free citizens of this country do indeed "have a dog in this fight". If governments can define my sex life, they can define it for anyone. If they can define when a woman must carry a pregnancy to term they can define it for every woman. Conservatives scream less government but then demand the ability to control each individual's body.
So this matters to everyone who believes in personal liberty. His and hers, mine and YOURS.
The government always defines our sex lives. And we’re usually glad it does. Right now, you can’t legally have sex with a child, your brother or sister, or be in a married contract with more than one person. It’s never if our government controls our sex lives or not, it’s just where those controls end. Unless you are OK with all of the above, then you believe they should end at one point, and others think they should end at another. But we all agree control must exist. Just thought I’d point that out.
Oh, and there are plenty of restrictions on what can and can’t be done to and with our bodies in a doctor’s office. Just go in an ask for elective surgery on your big toe because you feel like it and see how far it gets you. Again, it isn’t the presence or absence of laws that is the debate, it’s where and when those laws and restrictions we all expect should be applied.
People often get elective surgery on parts of their body their not happy with. B.reast augmentation, b.reast reduction, nose jobs, cheekbone and chin implants, removal of extra appendages (toes, fingers, etc.) I'm not sure what your point is there.
As far as who and when and how we have sex, I think most Americans are now in agreement that only sex that involves a victim (someone unable to give voluntary consent) should be restricted. Other than that, why should any of us care? And as far as pregnancy and birth control go, latest polls I've seen show most Americans also agree the govt. should not be in the business of enforcing religious dogma - i.e. restricting birth control and abortion.
Pt 1: For a long time in my socially conscious evolution I believed I "had no dog in this fight". I was raised in a talibangelical home with all the hateful ideology that goes with it. Because of that it took many years and two failed marriages for me to come to terms with my own truth that I was gay and nothing was going to change that fact. I would live it... or not. My eventual choice was to choose the former and shed the hateful dogma of my upbringing.
When I came out to myself and others in the early months of 1992 more than 1/2 the state of this fine liberated country of our still had sodomy laws on the books including my then current home state of Ohio and next door neighbor Kentucky. I could be thrown in jail if law enforcement decided I was having sex with the adult non-related partner of my choice - if they so chose.
The Supreme Court of the United States of America granted certain rights to the women of this country. The ability and the right for a woman to choose needs to be protected. This is a freedom granted in this country for a woman to decide with her doctor what is best for own unique situation and her own unique life. The sanctity of her life.
It is none of my business. A married father of four. None of my business any more than Terri Schiavo was any of my business. This is the land of the free, the home of the brave. I am truly sorry for your loss and the tragic situation that you found yourself in, Ms. Waldman. I am grateful that you were able to live in a country where you had the freedom to choose what was the best for you along with your doctor, your family, friends and the many, many professionals available to help with counseling during this unbelievably painful time in your life. I would never presume to be so pompous and/or arrogant as to judge or prescribe what is best for you in a situation that I know nothing about. And even if I did, it is none of my business. Peace to you.
"The Supreme Court granted"? That's for sure. But it is not the Supreme Court's place to "grant" or create rights. Natural rights exist by nature. Positive rights are created by legislators. The court is not supposed to legislate.
it is not the right of the majority to grant rights, either. But your argument fails, most likely because you don't know what you're talking about.
The Supreme Court ruled that a patient's right to medical privacy made it impossible to criminalize abortion, because you could not force a woman to disclose the reasons for obtaining one. That isn't the work of activist judges, it is the work of judges who recognized that the law is what it is, whether the result of that law is palatable to the masses or not. You need to realize the same.
You have no connection to legal reality.
None.
BTW, what "natural rights" would be referring to?
There are no such thing as "natural rights" as all rights are either given or taken away, on the basis of citizenship, criminal status, sometimes even minority status, at the whim of the government. As a great man and a greater comedian, George Carlin, put it: Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away.
The Supreme Court did not grant the right, if that was true they could take it away again, which makes it not a "right." The Constitution granted the right, and the Constitution is the final word on the matter, nevermind what the wingnuts believe.
Kindly point me to the place where the Declaration, the constitution, or any of the amendments refers explicitly to a right to privacy.
My "abortion story" is simple: my IUD failed, and I had an ectopic pregnancy which was surgically removed along with the tube. In a state with strict laws against abortion, I would have died.
Yes, sharing our stories in a public forum is crucial.
In the late 1980s I wrote "Under Siege", a play set in a Boston abortion clinic that was threatened by pro-life protestors -- the clinic where John Salvi murdered staff members a few years later. Counselors worked for minimal pay in spite of bomb threats and stalkers because they believed in a woman's right to choose. The silence and shame surrounding abortion relegates women to second class status as moral beings. Patients ranging in age from 14 to 40something have attitudes toward abortion that cover a wide spectrum-- including quite a bit of gallows humor-- very little of which ever makes it onto stage or screen.
The play was picked for the Sundance Lab, and at a workshop I did myself audiences, mostly women, laughed and wept and thanked me for portraying experiences which they had never seen aired in public. But its only been produced in South Africa. American literary managers refused to even read it. "Too controversial!" I consoled myself with the hope that some other writer would get these suppressed voices into the public dialogue. But no one has! In twenty years.
Maybe it's time, keep trying please, I'd love to see it.
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