Hillary and Mom

Barack Obama has finally cinched the nomination, and although we both in the end supported him, my mother is feeling none of my euphoria.

My mother discovered Betty Friedan when I was a baby, and by the time I was in grade school in the seventies, she was hosting consciousness-raising groups in our living room. Free to Be You and Me played on a continuous loop in our house, and before I was tall enough to reach the sink to wash a dish, I knew that when there was housework to do, I was to follow Carol Channing's directive and make sure that we did it together.

My mother raised me to believe that I was capable of being whatever I wanted to be, but when it turned out that what I wanted to be, at one point, was a stay-at-home mom, she was horrified. I tried to explain that my decision was not a betrayal of everything she'd worked for, but rather an affirmation of it. It was a choice, and wasn't that what she'd been fighting for? My right to choose?

Now, though, as I watch Hillary Clinton's struggle reach its disappointing end, I understand why my mother took my decision so personally. She had struggled to remake the world, had partially succeeded, and now here I was, refusing to finish the job.

There's a sense of unfinished business in our society, like there is in Hillary's campaign. When I heard Hillary's women supporters proclaim that they will never vote for Barack Obama, despite that fact that his policies on women's issues are identical to Hillary's, I was, at first, aghast. But in thinking about it, I've come to realize that they are expressing the same anger my mother felt when I seemed to be retreating from the struggle she had bequeathed to me, when I refused to understand that my "choice" was informed as much by society's expectations as by my own desires.

Like Hillary, my mother --acknowledged in my family to be smarter than my father, and with a degree from a far more prestigious university -- had no choice but to subsume her professional aspirations to his. She always worked -- they couldn't afford for her not to -- but his work was a career, and hers only a job, and one that she did in addition to all the work of caring for us kids.

To women like my mother, Hillary stood for the idea that finally, after a lifetime of subsumed aspiration, after tolerating so stoically the various indignities of their professional and personal lives, it is their turn. I understand the feeling. I share it.

Because of Hillary and because of the struggle of women like my mother, there will one day, sooner rather than later, be a woman president. They are the generation that made that possible. They are the generation that made my career and my family possible. But they are also the generation that made Barack Obama's candidacy possible, and that's something to be proud of, and grateful for, too.

Comments

[PennP]

Considering gender in a vacuum, independent of the PERSON, is one of the most sexist positions one can take. That is exactly what genderists who call themselves feminists are doing. They're elevating a born attribute that itself confers no superior attributes for the job--gender--to not just A qualification, but THE qualification. Worse yet, they"ve thrown race into the mix--following their leader"s amoral stance--arguing that being a WHITE FEMALE is the ne plus ultra of qualifications. We"re left with the ugly specter of candidate-approved racism superadded to gender bigotry of self-described feminists and the legions of women embittered because they settled for less or felt they could have been more, but failed the fight themselves. But many, so many, did not fail. They came through the same struggles with courage and resolve, making the commitments and sacrifices necessary to prevail with honor. As women.

The women who failed the fight saw themselves in the fatal role of second-placers, and still not "getting it," took the passive position of wanting a surrogate to win "for" them. This is worthy of sports partisanship, not choosing the country"s next leader. Presidential character and integrity have never been more necessary to the job.

Further distorting the picture, the enraged second-placers have tried to usurp the voices of women who don"t share their ire, aping the oppression they purportedly detest. As a middle-aged woman, I can't respect this mentality, and hope we do not bow to it..

[aofh]

HRC will be forgotten soon enough. For the past few months she has been in the media spotlight but that will probably turn cold soon as the campaign moves on to the next phase and she will fade in memory. Should Obama win in November, her campaign will be completely forgotten and will have no impact on women running in the future.

[XME]

I can certainly relate to this article. I'm a very strong Obama supporter and my mother is a stong Clinton supporter. She's disappointed while I'm elated, she saw sexism where I didn't, she applauded Hillary for keeping her marriage together when I was disappointed in her for putting up with his disrepect for her.

It's been fasinating to see the generational divide among women...to me, it's a sign of progress that we see things so differently from our mothers.

BTW, I do want to state proudly that, although my mother is disappointed that Hillary didn't win, she will be voting for Obama in November. Her vote for Clinton was not a vote against Obama, which is something we all should remember. Not everyone in this party feels as divided as the Clinton supporters who've been pointed out. On the contrary, she really likes him...I think she just wanted women to "have their chance". I think older women also tend to "feel" more for what Clinton went through with Bill, the humiliation, etc. But, now that Hillary in November, she's happy to vote for Obama and is resolute that we can't afford a President McCain.

[jrterrier]

what's worse is that now obama and his supporters are demanding that hillary help him win and threatening to hold her responsible for his loss. hey, big boy you wanted it, you claimed you could handle it, then go right ahead win it. the party elite took it from hillary and gave it to him. each primary that she won by double digits would bring more superdelegates to his camp.

but don't you dare ask me and other women like me, who have been working twice as hard as the latest guy to get half the credit or the pay to do the work for you. every woman in america in the workforce has faced this very situation. a less experienced, less competent man in a position of authority, hoping that the women he supervises will carry him along.

no mas.

[scrutiny1]

Hillary is the one making the demands. After totally disrespecting Obama, ridiculing him every step of his campaign, and inferring his assassination, she has the gall to demand that he pick her as VP. As if he owes her, of all people, anything. Her narcissism and humongous ego would not allow her to concede graciously. She had to make the moment once again about her. If that behavior represents you and woman like you then Obama's win is the least of your problems.

And believe me, women, particularly white women, have benefited more from the civil rights movement and affirmative action than any black person and especially any black man.

Obama has shown throughout this campaign that he is more eloquent, worldly, organized and competent than Clinton. He did not lie or stoop to the lowest common denominator in his effort to win his campaign.

For all her so-called experience, Hillary has a lot to learn from Obama and would add nothing of benefit if Obama was foolish enough to put her on his ticket.

[sirclown]

Newsweek reports this message from the Clinton campaign to the Obama campaign:

She doesn't want VP but don't you dare offer it to another woman. In other words, exclude any other women from the job on the basis of their gender alone.

Wake up. HIllary is not a feminist. Hillary is a Hillary-ist.

[egal]

Um, duh.

Was that not obvious in her adoption of every female stereotype (whining, expecting special treatment so that she would have an unearned boost in opinions and calculations, dirty play, cutting and reasonless acceusations, ad nauseum)?

Hillary wet from representing the "feminist victory" to revealing the seeds feminism (and every other old-style equality search) holds for its own destruction: instead of trying to make people look at a person's merit of a position without considering sex (or race, etc.), they sought to give special treatment to those spurned.

Hillary decided that, when she couldn't win fairly, she would play upon the nation's willingness to go easier on a woman, its women's sense of injustice that can blind them to real equality in action, and the may who just needed an excuse to let their bigotry guide their choices.

She has become the agent for fostering, manipulating, benefitting from, even increasing--not overcoming--sexism.

[kellysmalltowngirl]

I hear you!

I'm a 42 woman and was raised to believe I could be anything, that since I was intelligent I should have a career, not just a job. I wanted to have a family right after college, stay ay home for as many years as I felt my children needed me, then pursue a career or just a job, whatever fit my needs. To feminists in the 80's, this was an unthinkable plan, I didn't have the guts to buck the trend. For this and various other reasons, I waited until I was 34 to start a family.

Anyway, I was dismayed at my own mother's anger towards Obama, "its Hillary's turn! ".

Until I remembered that when she got married in 1965, she couldn't open a charge account at the local department store, her husband had to come down and open one for her. Very few women had good jobs that paid enough to support them or were even encouraged to get a college education. My two uncles went to college, but my mother and aunt did not. Many women felt trapped by their situation.

Now I understand my mother's viewpoint. That situation is unimaginable to the young women of today. They owe their freedom to women, like Hillary, who fought so hard and put up with so much crap along the way.

Good or bad for the country, that is their viewpoint, and young people who support Obama should make an effort to understand it.

[tuttlemsm]

Can we have a moratorium on "turnism" in politics for the indefinite future?

The turn belongs to whomever the voters say it does. There are no entitlements in electoral politics.

[realityczech4u]

If your mother felt she had it bad and that it was "Hillary's turn!", you could have eased her chagrin by reminding her how bad African Americans had it by comparison. Imagine being brought here in chains and sold as chattel property, denied your basic humanity. Imagine the thousands of black women who struggled to put food on the table from the meager earnings scrubbing the floors and cleaning the toilets of middle class white women so they were freed up to go shopping, play tennis, and have lunch at 'the club'. To have a 'girl' in a few days a week was a primary status symbol that displayed middle class 'respectibilty'. To have a live in meant you had really 'arrived'.
I'm sorry but I think the denial of the ego-fulfullment of a career and lack of a credit card in one's own name clearly takes a back seat to what black people have had to overcome, if that's what it comes down to. It was the height of folly for both a woman and an AA to run in the same election resulting in a showdown of the oppressed. That's just my opinion and I mean it respectfully.

[kellysmalltowngirl]

I'm only presenting my mother's viewpoint from her life, so that others may understand it. And you are presenting your viewpoint for the same reason.

My mother never had a "girl' in. She grew up working class, her contemporaries, daughters of immigrants from eastern Europe, were the "girls" in the town where we live.
Mothers of my high school friends did housework for others. She also struggled with a philandering, perpetually adolescent husband (my father)

I agree that it was folly for a woman and an AA to run at the same time. It shouldn't be a contest of who's more oppressed, and I don't think that's what my mother thinks.
Emotionally, she's invested alot of herself into Hillary's run and is very dissappointed that it turned out this way. And, very humanly, she seeks to blame someone else.
she's not thinking, she's feeling.

[SethBLiNK]

Your last paragraph says it all. FOr people like your mother, there is much to be proud of from both campaigns.

[DRaymond]

In some respects it is regrettable that the democrats were faced with the choice of to historic barriers to break in this election. But let's be clear, it was not sexism that cost Clinton this campaign.

It was not sexism that forced her to have Mark Penn as a strategist. It was not sexism that forced her to have nothing in place if Super Tuesday did not provide a knockout punch. It was not sexism that caused her to exaggerate her experience and what happend on her arrival at Tuzla. It was not sexism that caused her to hesitate when her proxy Geraldine Ferraro made a play to the bigot vote with the 'lucky to be a black man' comment. it was not sexism that caused her to have to rely on Bill as attack surrogate number one, and then pay the price when he overdid it. It wasn't sexism that made the possiblity of twenty eight years of Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton not exactly seem like change. It was not sexism that made Clinton make it seem even less like change by giving the impression that Bill would be playing the role nearly of co-president.

There are plenty of good women, better women, available in future election cycles. It won't be long.

[tuttlemsm]

Hear, hear!

It wasn't sexism that caused people to be appalled by the "I'm staying in it in case Obama is assassinated" inference to be drawn, either.

[DustyRebel]

Tell your mother to think of the mother's of soldiers who have died or have been terribly wounded in this unjust war that Clinton voted for.

Tell your mother to think of the mother's of soldiers who will die or be terribly wounded in the coming years if McCain wins.

Tell your mother to think of all those women who right to choose could be lost if McCain get to put even one judge on the Supreme Court.

Tell your mother to think of all the women and children that are without health-care or struggling to pay medical bills.

Tell your mother voting based on Gender is exactly what feminism is supposed to be fighting against.

Not for.

Yes, the political is personal. But don't get so blinded by the personal you loose site of the political.

[mulegino]

HuffPost's Pick

THE INDEPENDENT WOMAN'S GUIDE TO SUCCESS/OR, HOW TO BE A LIBERAL FEMINIST ICON WITHOUT REALLY TRYING.

1. Marry up and coming politician.

2. Become a fierce devotee of feminist causes.

3. Stress the dignity of women everywhere. Stress this to your philandering husband.

4. Fight sexual harrassment in the work place by defending philandering, sexual harrasser husband.

5. Stress the importance of women making it on their own merits, via husband's election to presidency.

6. Stand by your man.

7. Stress importance of being an honest, forthright and sincere independent woman by stressing husband's success as president, wartime experiences under sniper fire, wanting to join the Marines after college, etc.

8. Fight for civil rights by standing up for hard working Americans, white Americans.

9. Struggle for peace by threatening to obliterate smaller Middle Eastern nation.

[SanityClaus]

10. Blame your failure on sexism.

[jhamm1]

"But in thinking about it, I've come to realize that they are expressing the same anger my mother felt when I seemed to be retreating from the struggle she had bequeathed to me, when I refused to understand that my "choice" was informed as much by society's expectations as by my own desires."

I obviously cannot concur with that analogy, in that there is a big difference between choosing to play a submissive role in society and evaluating a candidate's eligibility for office on the basis of (gasp!!) the issues they represent.

And furthermore, there is a big difference between expressing anger and resorting to petty vindication. After all, you're mother never threatened to ex-communicate you on account of your decision to become a housewife, did she? It's that type of immaturity that classifies those who have vowed to make the democratic party, the United States, and possibly even the whole world pay for their greivances over not getting their way.

If anything, the ultimate exercise in feminism should embody evaluating a female candidate on her credentials as opposed to her gender.

[starkravingmadeleine]

They should have chosen someone with more grace, dignity, honesty, and true power than Hillary as their spokeswoman. She lost this campaign and she's the person that they should be angry at. Hillary failed women with her especially nasty brand of politics. I wish it had been a woman who brought a sense of hope that politics didn't need to be so ugly, but instead it was Obama. Good for him.

[coolkraft]

I do NOT agree I am a white granny and I find her behavior abominable. I was not brought up for women to behave as she does...this is not strength this is arrogance and there is a BIG difference...she has always felt entitled and only stuck with her slimeball husband because she wanted to run for president...there are many more women who are better examples and have done more positive things than her

[ThatSharkeyGeezer]

Clinton's legacy will be to make it even more difficult for women to rise through the political ranks.

From now on, every female would-be presidential hopeful will be considered guilty until proven innocent, because Clinton has proven beyond all doubt that a female nominee can be just as ready as any man to lie, smear, pander, cheat, whine, manipulate, and generally act in a shameless, selfish, swine-ish manner... on day one.

Before she got going, women generally got the benefit of the doubt as being more honest, fair-minded, inclusive and less narcissistic than men.

Not any more.

[journey80]

Women owe nothing to Hillary. She has allowed herself to become a whiny, vengeful, dysfunctional caricature of herself - the mysogynist cliche on wheels. She has set back women's hopes of being taken seriously in politics - no telling for how long.

But the next woman to run for president will be running against the ghost of Hillary's embarrassing, dreadful campaign.