My grandmother was a wise woman. There was never a situation in life where she didn't have a timeless insight that somehow made everything seem better. She would tell me, "Live each day, one at a time." When I asked her how else you could live, she would take a sip from the flask under her apron and shrug her shoulders.
Although reality set in and that "feeling better" stopped by the time I was nine, I always wanted to get back to the comfort my grandmother's wisdom gave me.
To recapture the feeling of youth and the belief that anything is possible, I've combined my grandmother's insights with the 219,245 self help books I've read into my new book:
The Only Self Help Book You'll Ever Need: 10 Sure Fire Ways to Make Your Life 100 Times Better: Achieving a Life of Unattainable Self-esteem, Relationships, Wealth and Other Unrealistic Expectations.
Learn how to convince yourself that you can get whatever you want with little to no effort beyond buying this book.
Begin your journey each day with motivational homilies like:
• Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life -- unless you die in your sleep.
• Asking God for the answer -- sometimes the answer is "no".
• To live each day as if it were your last, would you have to wake up in the intensive care ward each morning?
• Be "in the moment" unless you have to be somewhere else.
• Enough cough syrup deadens the pain.
Transform your life into what you've always wanted it to be by following the simple steps in this book:
• Maybe you are inferior: 10 ways to convince yourself you're great when no one else thinks so.
• Change your self-image: It's much easier than changing yourself.
• How lowering your standards can help you achieve perfection on your first try.
• Master the time proven strategy of hating others so you can feel better about yourself.
• How your sexual preference and fidelity makes you a better person until you are caught with someone else.
• How to quickly undo years of crappy eating and no exercise with just a few hours of plastic surgery.
• The shocking truth: Being old and dying doesn't make you any more insightful.
• The dance of intimacy and why you may have to sit it out.
• Venereal disease as a form of social networking.
• "If you really loved me you would, (fill in the blank)." 10 ways to emotionally blackmail your partner so they do whatever you want them to.
• Love them for who you want them to be, then get angry when you find out they aren't who you want them to be.
• The secret of finding your dream partner: keep dreaming.
• Why saying "I'm sorry" is a sign of weakness unless you're trying to get laid.
• Looking at rejection as a form of reverse acceptance.
• Hope to create wealth by buying books about people who created wealth.
• Learn the 10 effective habits of effective people and realize how that won't make you any more effective.
• Turn failure into success by being really good at failing.
• The sure-fire formula for persuasion: A loud voice + repetition = truth.
• How to convince yourself that everyone agrees with you.
There is a special section on how to be a success in the business world by following the foolproof technique, C.R.A.P., Corporate Responsibility Avoidance Protocol:
• How to be totally non-committal so you can't be held accountable for anything but can take credit for things that go well. Example: "I think that's a really good idea but I'm not sure it will work." If the idea works, you said you thought it was a good idea. If it fails, you said you weren't sure it would work. With these and other sure fire techniques you can fail upwards in most businesses.
• Accepting "I don't care anymore" as agreement.
• How to convince yourself that a life of kissing ass was necessary in order to support your family and maintain your alcohol and drug habit so you could numb yourself from the soul killing affects of kissing ass your whole life for money.
Also included: "The top 10 list of all the top 10 lists so you never have to look at another top 10 list again." This is the only book you will ever need for all the questions you'll ever have -- until it's updated.
As my grandmother used to say, "All horses run on the same muddy track."
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