The 5 Stages of Tantrums from a Parent's Perspective

Written by Beth Anne Ballance for Babble.com.

My friend Nish and I were discussing toddler tantrums the other day -- how we used to adore phantom baby kicks until the first public tantrum and then BOOM! those kicks and all baby fever went away. Funny how that happens, right?

Basically, toddlers are just so full of sassy-pants-ness.

And by that I mean that I have a glass of wine almost every night when Harrison goes to bed and it's a little lame because HELLO, CLICHE! but also HELLO, CLICHE THAT IS A CLICHE BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. So then I started thinking about how I handle tantrums and I am admittedly either the best or the worst, depending on how my day went. I wish I had more patient days where I redirect and don't lose my cool, but I'm a typical momma with flaws and a messy heart and there are days where I straight-up roll my eyes at my kid.

I'm not proud of it, but then again I'm also not proud of his behavior.

So here's the five stages of tantrums that I seem to go through each time:

Loading Slideshow

• Denial

  This is not happening. Not in the cereal aisle at Target. Not at my in-laws' house. Not at the dinner table in a restaurant at the end of a long day. This is not happening. Just ignore it. That's what the experts say, right? This is NOT happening.

• Anger

  Alright, kid. You went and pissed off Momma and YOU WON'T LIKE IT WHEN MOMMA GETS MAD. Go sit in time-out. No, do not talk. Hush. I hate this stage.

• Bargain

  Please stop screaming. PLEASE. Here, have a book to read! Have a necklace to chew on! Have some fruit snacks! Shhh, please stop screaming.

• Depression

  I am the worst mother ever. I can't even control my kid. Why did I think I'd be good at this? I lost my temper and now I feel awful. Everyone is watching me and judging me. Worst. Mother. Ever.

• Acceptance

  Whatever. He's 2 and everyone knows that 2-year-olds are like this. He's frustrated and tired and so am I. Let's just call it a day and leave.

• <a href="http://blogs.babble.com/toddler-times/2012/07/23/7-things-you-should-never-say-to-your-toddler/" target="_hplink">For 7 things you should NEVER say to your toddler, visit Babble!</a> <strong>More on Babble</strong> <a href="http://blogs.babble.com/kid-scoop/2012/01/05/stuff-kids-have-ruined/" target="_hplink">25 horrifying photos of things kids have ruined</a> <a href="http://blogs.babble.com/babble-voices/stefanie-wilder-tayler-baby-on-bored-electric-boogaloo/2012/03/26/are-you-a-babysitters-worst-nightmare/ " target="_hplink">11 signs you're a babysitter's worst nightmare</a> <a href="http://www.babble.com/mom/work-family/parent-humor-mom-secrets-kids-dont-know/parent-humor-mom-secrets-kids-dont-know-1/" target="_hplink">The 10 biggest secrets parents hide from their kids</a> <a href="http://blogs.babble.com/toddler-times/2011/11/10/what-not-to-do-with-your-toddler/" target="_hplink">15 ways NOT to raise a toddler</a>

MORE FROM BABBLE

10 arguments you shouldn't have with a 3-year-old

The 20 most disgusting things found in the mouths of toddlers

 

Follow Babble.com on Twitter: www.twitter.com/babbleeditors

Comments

[lhoneysweet13]

03:25 AM on 08/12/2012

When your children have problems you have to be there all the time even if you are busy because they feel like being ignored and when they feel like they are not being loved at all!....I like that a lot when your children treat you like their own sister because you understand the feeling of being a kid when you were a kid like them! When you are not there thats when they start getting wild, untamed or getting lost because you are their hero model at home and even in school. Teaching them the values of good living and learning how to respect and love God is your ticket to building a good future for your children

[lhoneysweet13]

03:15 AM on 08/12/2012

On being a Mom!....There's lot of responsibiliities once you become a mother! It's no joke to be a NAGGER, DOMINEERING AND CONTROLLING FREEK everyday to your children! When they are kids you have to be a kid too with them playing hide and seek and all kinds of tricks. You have to be a little bit open and free with them, give them space and time to themselves while they are growing up, but also pamper them little bit but most of all be there when they need a hug and love them and let them know that they have to follow your strict rules and laws while they are still in your roof!

[Ossit]

05:48 AM on 08/10/2012

Once again the selfish parent thinks about things on their prospective. For some kids, no isn't enough. They need reasons. Oh sure ignore the tantrumming kid in a store and kids stops and you pat yourself on the back. Don't bother to think of the racket that bothers other customers do you. Some kids may stop when ignored, some don't.

[Jason Ungar]

02:00 PM on 08/10/2012

I'm a (stay at home) parent to two toddlers and I totally agree with you. I think people are nice and generally understanding but just because you have kids does not mean you can't practice common courtesy!

[Ossit]

11:36 PM on 08/10/2012

I agree. I bet your two toddlers are as cute as a button. LOL! I remember when I was small. I was a temper tantruming tornado. The solution back then, in the 60's was either remove the kid or plop them in the car and go back to the store. I saw a lot of a back seat then. I was never very fluent with speaking so I got frustrated easily and not hearing well the answers was even worse. I eventually caught on that I had to behave but it took 7 years of my young childhood.

[tccat4]

05:12 AM on 08/10/2012

How to handle tantrums. I raised 4 children, I learned the best thing is to walk away, My first tried it at a local store, we were in the women's section and I had told him no, when he was trying to pull the clothes off the hangers. He dropped on the floor and started the tantrum. I walked away (actually I was behind one of the carousel, the clothes hung on, where I could watch him. He started to look around and saw I wasn't there, he stopped the crying and kicking, and the look on his face was priceless.... I them walked back to him and asked if he was done... He realized I wasn't going to buy his tantrums and he never did that again.

[MoMMoMents3]

03:16 AM on 08/10/2012

My toddlers has her days. Its not fun to be at the eye of a tantrum. What parent brings it onto themselves? Who wants their kid flipping out and having to ultimately leave a public place. My problem is more with the strangers. The stares, the comments, the disrespect.
A toddler is a toddler and there is only so much you can do.
I have gotten into countless confrontations in my 2.5 year olds defense. Its not a pleasant situation to be in. I feel like these you cant leave your home without a muzzle on your kid. People have become overly rude and inconsiderate of the parents and child feelings. Toddlers get kicked out of restaurants thrown off planes, etc... when did this happen? What happened to coexisting ??

[IdleCrumble]

12:21 AM on 08/11/2012

Many people say it's because kids are just plain brattier these days because Americans especially have a "the child is King" perspective on parenting. Not everyone is going to see your kids as the special little never-do-wrong angels you see them as.

And seriously, respect and consideration go both ways. No one should have to deal with a kid having a tantrum while they're trying to have dinner in the next booth over. No one should have to be careful to not run over a kid that's running unsupervised around a store. It's YOUR kid and YOUR responsibility. It's pretty rude to expect people to deal with your kid.

[sandrakim]

09:59 PM on 08/11/2012

Do not RUN in the store and you won't run over a kid that's running unsupervised around a store! And YES, all children are angels, even if they are not yours.

[socraticknight]

01:01 AM on 08/10/2012

when my son was an infant or toddler, his tantrums were sometimes frustrating to bear. I just stooped or laid down to his level and smile at him, saying, "what's so funny! why are you laughing!" he would scream some more, while I watched him in amazement. it was cute to watch him throw tantrums. sometimes, I would yell, "He's dying! help! get the doctor!" then he would stop crying and look around, because he didn't know what the heck I was talking about. I even broke out the thermometer to take his temperature and hear his heartbeats. he was all into it, and it his mom laugh. even pretending he's hurt and massaging his back worked. it made him fall asleep.

in the midst of a crazy parental moment of dealing with a child's persistent tantrum, a parent has to go with the flow. faking a tantrum beside the child works.

small children know more than we think they do. when I was married, my wife loved it when I laid down beside our infant son speak to him as if he he was like the baby from the cartoon The Family Guy. I would tell him, "I know you can speak. stop trying to pretend you don't and only say goo goo gaga. So, what's going on? how's life? come on. speak! don't play dumb. I saw you yelling at the news about the economy while you were watching tv, when I snuck up behind you."

[kerryandjanie]

11:51 PM on 08/09/2012

My daughter never had tantrums but one time she asked for gum or a candy bar when we were in the checkout line when she was 4 years old and when I told her to pick one she said "no, I want both" and I told her to pick one because I was ready to pay, and she said "then I don't want either" like she was punishing me. I remember watching her face in the rear view mirror as it dawned on her what she'd done to herself and I told her that if she helped me shop next week she could pick one treat but she'd blown it for this week. My pet peeve is whining. My daughter didn't whine because the first time she tried I just looked at her and asked what kind of voice was that? Told her anything asked in that voice was an automatic no. Had a harder time with my nieces & nephews but after a few times of saying "no hell no" to anything asked in a whiny voice and explaining why the answer was no for today, they caught on and didn't whine in front of me.

[zelda777]

10:05 PM on 08/09/2012

A cultural comparison on this matter:

In the USA and northern cultures, bad behavior among kids is considered "normal" and the key issue is how the adult/parent is supposed to "deal" with it.

As a US expat living in a cobblestone village in Mexico, I have had abundant opportunity to observe cultural differences regarding kids - the most obvious being that the kids here are so much more cheerful, well-behaved, polite, and generally delightful than their US counterparts. You can't help but notice the all the adorable little ones.

In 5 years, I have never seen a Mexican-raised child throw a tantrum or fight each other. The very few that I have seen were kids that were visiting from the US. I've asked a several bi-lingual Mexicans what they called a "tantrum." They didn't even know what I was talking about.

The kids here have far more abundant love, affection, and guidance because they are raised in their own homes by their own moms or loving extended families. So, they behave very well as a result.

In the US, parents drive their kids crazy, imposing their domination without the necessary patience, affection, and empathy so the kids rebel in the only way they know how - get attention.

Kids here never get to that point. Everyone loves babies and they get all the attention and affection they need, naturally, enabling them to be far more calm, happy, and aware of others.

[Joanna Sanford]

05:35 PM on 08/10/2012

I like what you are saying, but I think there is more to it. The majority of children in the US are loved, and many are raised by parents or extended family, too. I know the biggest problem in our house is one of having too much crap. My daughter wants to play with the iPad, my husband's phone, or watch Toy Story for the 1000th time. Unfortunately, we have been told by many sources, that screen time can be harmful and should be limited. Therefore, I have to say "no" to these requests, which I field all day long when we are at home. In those times, I very much wish I live in a cobblestone village in Mexico, where she has never seen any of these things. Where she asks me to read a book, play with a puzzle, or go outside, and the answer could always be YES! Unfortunately, I live in modern America, and these so-called conviences are always getting in the way. I have to say "no, we can't watch TV/play with the iPad/etc, but let's go read some books."

If I could get my husband on board, I probably would banish all screens from our house. It would save us countless tantrums from saying no to a child who doesn't understand why.

[butry14]

09:23 PM on 08/09/2012

in todays touchy feely we can get through this, some where parents forgot oh wait thought they knew that they didnt want to be raised how they were. the result i a generation of spoiled brats, i work in retail, ive seen the you need a time out, that worked well with the candy in the kids mouth! and then the ones who completely ignore what their little prince or princess is doing, where is the common sense? if the kid is misbehaveing parent up and dicipline the brat, they already know how to work mom and dad, how about a good spanking! yes i said it spank em, amazing how they mind after that

[Jeanne Duvall]

08:38 PM on 08/09/2012

Just hug them... speak to them in a calm voice... and reassure them that (whatever it is)... we can get through it together... and that the most important thing in the world is that they are loved.

[kaysquare]

09:03 PM on 08/09/2012

When I was a small child & it looked like I was about to throw a tantrum, the last thing my parents felt toward me was "love". They let me know in no uncertain terms, that they "hated" for me or my sister to throw tantrums, therefore, we found out very quickly not to throw them. And we grew up to be very responsible adults, and loved our parents dearly (and all our friends had parents who reacted to tantrums pretty much the same way). Oh...our self-esteem wasn't an issue....but our obedience was.

[Texas1957]

12:49 AM on 08/10/2012

Well said, kaysquare. We must have grown up around the same time (1960s?) All of my 50-something friends agree..all our parents had to do was 'LOOK' at us a certain way (if we were about to have a tantrum) and we then knew.."uh-oh, I'd better straighten up." Going to any retail establishment or ANY place where kids were, was not the dreadful experience is now. I abhor going so many places now, as I can't stand the parents who 'tune-out' their whining, screaming kids. I don't blame the kids, it's the SELFISH, inconsiderate parents who subject others to it.

[openmindedma]

07:11 PM on 08/09/2012

There is no need for a mistake ( Baby ) to have tantrums. When they do a good hard slap every time they act up will strighten out the problem.
STOP babying the brat.
Learn from your mistake and don't have any more.

[tph370]

05:43 PM on 08/09/2012

As I see it, "tantrums" can be a healthy release of "bottled up emotions;" and perhaps, a sign of earlier neglect(s) from parents.

A baby or small child, I think, should always have a "right to them."

Rather than punish, ignore, or "control it", just "be with the child" with compassion and understanding.

Some parents, I know, are too busy being successful, and honored for it by their peers, to even notice how they could be the cause of a child using "tantrums" as a last resort to get some much needed attention.

[undrgrndgirl]

07:00 PM on 08/09/2012

why do i get the feeling you have no children?

here are some things i understand about young children and tantrums (having a combined 57 years of parenting experience)

1. children are not tiny adults. (they are capable of higher thought, but they still aren't adults)
2. young children do not bottle up emotions like adults do. young children live in the moment.
3. tantrums are manipulative.
4. most importantly, (most) tantrums require an audience. (i say most because i leave open the possibility that some child at some time threw a tantrum without an audience)

only one of my now adult children threw tantrums and that child only threw a three or four of them...

my "fix" is to walk away from the tantruming tot (out of her view, but not actually far enough away that she wasn't supervised) i said nothing to her. when she looked up from her tantrum and saw she didn't have an audience she stopped immediately... i then reappeared, going on with whatever it was we were doing. it only took a few times for my kid to realize that throwing a tantrum wasn't going to get her anywhere.

other people have used this advice, and have told me it works.

[Forever Jung]

07:37 PM on 08/09/2012

Sounds like rational, effective, genuine parenting! Many parents can learn a lot from just that post. (The Elvis Costello MicroBio doesn't hurt either!)

[tph370]

08:09 PM on 08/09/2012

It seems you, completely, disregard "just being with the child" while displaying compassion and understanding; this, would be done with caring "eye contact" using as few words as possible.

As it's been my experience doing so, helps the child to be more compassionate toward others as an adult.

Also, it seems you agree that it's okay to manipulate a baby, or small child, using "neglectful" maneuvers to "control the child" into submissive obedience.

Please do not respond to this comment unless you leave an opening for further debate.

Thank you for your time.

[Jeanne Duvall]

08:42 PM on 08/09/2012

Yes... I see that everyday I go out in public. Children have to go to extremes to get their parents attention... who are busy texting, talking on the phone, reading or just about anything other than consciously being with their children.
This ridiculous article and video said it all... when the first parental reaction was anger.

[tph370]

09:19 PM on 08/09/2012

Thank you, I needed that.

[dancerctry]

04:56 PM on 08/09/2012

Depends on how you handle bargaining. If they get new toys for example they aren't motivated to stop or not throw a tantrum in the future. My son is 3. He doesn't get what he wants with tantrums. I just ignore him and if someone stares I expain "lunch time" "nap time" ect.... They don't last long and as he's gotten older has decreased. When he nicely asks for something reasonable he usually gets it and periodically we randomly buy him toys for being good so he doesn't ask for toys in the store (until recently when he discovered transformers but we explained christmas so now he tells me the transformers he wants for christmas and asks how long until christmas). A tantrum with the explaination of "I didn't buy him a toy" should be good enough. Lucky for me, they are usually just a lunch thing now.

[notopoliticalbs]

09:56 PM on 08/09/2012

Meanwhile, all the people around him have to listen to the tantrum. What a crock. "They don't last long." In your eyes perhaps. I say remove them from the temptation until they bahave. I know that works and nobody else has to put up with it.

[dancerctry]

08:54 AM on 08/10/2012

I never said I don't remove him and they don't happen often. 2 minutes isn't long and if you think it is then you don't understand kids. If you think you never threw a tantrum as a kid you're kidding yourself.

[Texas1957]

04:50 PM on 08/09/2012

Toddler tantrums are a fact of life, and most parents will sympathize IF...you show respect for those around you and REMOVE your child, and take him/her outside. I could handle my daughter pitching a fit, arching her back and screaming to the top of her lungs but NEVER did I expect others to endure it. The grocery basket at Target and other errands can wait. Yes, wait. I work in retail, and I'm appalled at people who will continue to let their child act like this because they (the parent) don't want to be inconvenienced.

[Jeanne Duvall]

08:49 PM on 08/09/2012

Unfortunately, working in retail... you see the results of lots of poor parenting - the effects of high sugar, low nutrition diets; the neglected and abused; the dehydrated children... and on and on.

[Heather Elliott]

09:30 PM on 08/09/2012

my husband works weird hours and i'm out of work right now. we don't have children yet so we often go grocery shopping at 1 or 2 in the morning and what i hate is ppl who bring their kids out in the middle of the &$^^%&% night and then wonder why they won't stop crying. it's the same with late night dollar shows. ppl just have no common sense

[notopoliticalbs]

09:58 PM on 08/09/2012

Well spoken.

[Jason Ungar]

01:30 PM on 08/09/2012

Denial, Anger, Bargin, Depression, Acceptance. Yikes.

I think if you focused on number 1 (denial) it will help you not to encounter too much Anger, Depression or Acceptance. I work hard with my two toddlers to make sure I reach whatever is needed underground before the volcano blows. The only way to do that is not to deny that the volcano will blow. Bargin before denial and life will be easier. Let alone letting the volcano blow, denying that the volcano blew and then come to realize that yes it did erupt and then trying to contain it.