THE BLOG

10 Biggest 'White Girl Problems' In Literature

05/06/2014 09:28 am 09:28:38 | Updated Jul 06, 2014

As you may or may not know, my name is Babe Walker and I have a new book out today called Psychos. It's a sequel to my first book, White Girl Problems. In honor of this epic event, and in honor of all the amazing characters who've experienced similar trials and tribulations throughout the history of literature, I decided to compile a list of the most major, most white girl problem-y moments in literature as we know it.

1. Rapunzel Rapunzel has so much hair it's insane. Like, think about all the time it must take her to shampoo, deep condition and keep it in good shape while she simultaneously uses it as a rope. Crazy.
2. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway Brett Ashley is the quintessential WGP. She has amazing hair, is gorgeous, and every guy she meets is obsessed with her, which causes boatloads of drama. She has no job, per se, so she traipses all over Europe, breaking hearts left and right. Chic.
3. The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman The title character Jane spends an entire summer locked in her bedroom in a summer rental at the behest of her therapists and husband and descends into a full-blown mental breakdown. I once accidentally locked myself in the bathroom of Jerry Seinfeld's Hamptons house for an hour during a cocktail party and it took weeks for me to feel normal again, so I can only imagine what she must have felt.
4. A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett Sara Crewe is an heiress but everyone thinks her father is dead so everyone at her boarding school treats her like a peasant. Not chic. She somehow manages to be sweet to everyone, despite the fact that they all act like gremlins towards her.
5. Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray Becky Sharp is a social climber, a dreamer and the embodiment of a famous tweet of mine: "He's not a doctor, a lawyer, or a Prince."
6. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne Hester Prynne is just trying to explore her sexuality but she accidentally gets pregnant and everyone in her dumb town brands her a capital S slut.
7. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald Daisy Buchanan is trapped in the ultimate love triangle, being forced to choose between her a-hole husband Tom and Jay Gatsby, who was later played by both Robert Redford and Leonardo DiCaprio in two separate film adaptations of the book. If only Daisy could have seen into the future...
8. Romeo & Juliet by William Shakespeare Juliet is tortured because her dad won't let her be with Romeo (also played by Leo), and the only person who really gets her is her nurse/maid. Wow. This is all hitting way too close to home.
9. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell Scarlett O'Hara is married, has a child and widowed by the age of 18. Basically she was Teen Mom before Teen Mom was Teen Mom.
10. Play It as It Lays by Joan Didion A directionless model/actress type who lives in Los Angeles drives around for hours and gets into lots of sketchy situations.