When Foreign Parents Don't Understand the Purpose of Dating

My parents emigrated from Iran to the United States more than 35 years ago. Once they got past the obvious culture shock, they slowly assimilated, adopting a handful of non-threatening traditions (Thanksgiving dinner, station wagons, family night at Pizza Hut). But some other typical American mores were simply out of the question, especially when it came to parenting.

As their youngest child and only daughter, I wasn't allowed to go to sleepovers because my mother and father didn't trust that I'd be safe in a stranger's home. I couldn't play soccer for fear that all of the inevitable bruises and cuts would make my girly gams "unladylike." And dating? Well that was absolutely unacceptable until I graduated from grad school.

But now, at 26, I still find myself tip-toeing around the reality that I date and (gasp!) have strong feelings for my boyfriend, whose status around my parents has since been relegated to, um, "Special Friend." Quite simply, they don't understand why my Special Friend and I are "wasting time" dating. If he's nice and good to me and has a bright future ahead, then why the hell aren't we married already???

To them, male and female relations are black and white. You're either single, or you're married. You're either a wife, or a slut. You're either having sex to make babies, or you're acting like a whore. Anything in between is reprehensible.

Now, to understand my parents' disconnect with modern day dating (and love), first it's important to note that their own relationship began with ... well, not dating. Like so many of their friends and relatives, their union was carved out of convenience. My father was a kind, soft-spoken man with a medical degree, and my mother was a beautiful woman who sought security and knew how to cook a killer kabob. With all of these "most important" elements in place, it only made sense for them to immediately marry and procreate. They didn't have an opportunity to find and fall in love. They didn't enjoy a courtship. And the only dalliances they ever experienced - and, dare I say, enjoyed in bed - began and ended with each other. My father would go on to be the breadwinner, and my mother has spent the last thirty years of her life cooking, cleaning and most recently, disapproving of my inability to marry a doctor or lawyer. Sigh.

Surely, they must have realized that my experiences growing up as an Iranian-American woman in one of the most liberal countries in the world would be very different from their own. But I don't think they could have predicted how much of a rift our opposite upbringings would create between us.

During my teen and young adult years, I lied to my parents about everything because it was just easier to keep my private life private. But once I moved back home with them a few months ago, it became impossible to hide the truth - especially the truth about my love life. I attempted to alleviate the inevitable parent-boyfriend discomfort by bringing my new SF home and trying (well, kind of) to make him a part of the family. The first meeting was expectedly awkward, but little has seemed to improve with time.

Whenever my Special Friend comes over, the trauma kicks in. I regress and start acting like I'm 10 years old again. I feel ashamed, disrespectful, and even slutty. My body language changes as I clam up and refuse to talk to my SF. Sometimes I'll escape the uneasiness altogether by leaving the room - and leaving the poor soul to fend for himself. And of course, my Special Friend knows he's supposed to alter his own behavior. He's been instructed not to make eye contact with me and advised to sit on the opposite side of the room at all times, with any sort of touching strictly outlawed, obviously.

Sure, my requests seem painfully extreme, but I can't get myself to act any differently. What's worse, every time I leave the house to spend the weekend with my Special Friend ("OF COURSE he sleeps on the couch, and I take the bed, Mom!") I am paralyzed by guilt, so much so that I cannot even stand to be kissed or touched until we're basically pulling into his driveway.

So what can be done to minimize or, better yet, relieve my terribly abnormal behavior around my Special Friend and parents? I guess I could try to suck it up and accept that I'm a 26-year-old adult who's allowed to be in a happy, healthy relationship. But I fear I won't be locking lips with my SF in front of my parents until our wedding day. And even then, I'll likely keep the kiss short and sweet.

Comments

[ordinaryguy]

Poor NCGigi - so narrow minded. nevermind that overwhelming numbers of grown children are moving back home due to poor job prosepcts and the crumbling economy. nevermind that a "nuclear family" does not exist in many other cultures. and in the usa there are many multi-generational living arrangements.

[Huffyfan]

coming from an arabic background , i find your parents rather cool , open and flexible , in an Arabic family , the special friend wont come home unless he has already committed and sent his parents , but a male friend visiting a girl in her parents home is unthinkable . Most Arab girls date outside without their parents knowing . and most end up getting married ( i did and so most my friends ) . so your parents are not too bad .

[Kahill]

26 is actually over the age when girls usually get married in eastern cultures. Your parents just want you to get married, and cannot bear the thought that you are having sex with your SF without a commitment to marriage. Just be considerate of their feelings, especially in their home. They don"t seem that bad. Believe me, I have seen much worse!

[NCGigi]

Well, you are in their house. And in their house, you're right, it's their rules. Why have him over at all? And why don't you get married if you don't want to live at home and would rather live with him? What is a 26 year old woman doing living at home again? Absent some catastrophic event, there is no reason for grown ups to live with Mom and Dad.