My son is dead. My fear of losing his love, the choices I made based on my own guilt and shame, my enabling, cost him his life. When he got involved with drugs and alcohol I made excuses for him and convinced myself we didn't need outside help. When he got in trouble with the law I interceded to have him put on probation if he agreed to go to a treatment facility. He left treatment. He called to tell me where he'd gone. Instead of calling the police to turn him in, I sent him money which allowed him to run farther away. Two more times I had the opportunity to stop him, to do the right thing, but continued to enable him until his death at age 15. You can try to spin it any way you want, but it is cold comfort on those long nights when I relive the choices I made that enabled him to stay in the problem.
Enabling is about making it easier for addicts to stay in their addiction. Objectivity, is difficult not to enable when we are dealing with someone we love. Understanding that you are dealing with addiction, not the person, can help. Seek help from those who have traveled the path you are facing. They are out there; groups of parents, spouses, significant others, who gather in groups to share their experience, strength and hope with each other. We say that we want our addicts to face the truth of their situation before it's too late, but are we willing to face our own truth about whether or not we are enablers?
Whenever you wonder if the choices you are making are enabling someone you love to stay in addiction, here are 4 key questions to ask yourself before you make a decision:
As an enabler, I made all the mistakes, and cannot go back and change them. There is no hope for my son, but through his death I learned valuable lessons. I discovered there are no easy answers or easy decisions when dealing with addiction. Even when you make all the right choices, the addicted individual is still free to make their own and we are left with the results. That's why it is as important for us to get help with our enabling problem, and the reasons behind it as it is for the addict to get help. Whatever they decide to do, we must find a way to survive.
There is no manual to tell us what to do and not to do in this or that situation with an addict. Being a recovering addict myself, I can tell you that we are a willful bunch and until we have more to lose than we have to gain, we will continue using and abusing. And, as long as we can get others to take responsibility for our behavior and bail us out of trouble so that we don't have to face the consequences for our actions, things will only get worse, never better.
Think of me and my son as you contemplate the 4 key questions that may help you with a decision. I would give anything to have my son in jail, alive and hating me, rather than where he is; I can no longer help him. Perhaps my story can help you or someone you love.
Barb Rogers is the author of "If I Die Before I Wake" (A Memoir of Drinking and Recovery) along with other books on addiction and recovery. She can be contacted at www.barbrogersinspirations.com
Substance dependence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Addiction: "Drugs, Brains, and Behavior - The Science of Addiction"
My sincerest and most heartfelt condolences on the loss of your son. I cannot begin to imagine what you have endured and pray that I never will.
Being an alcoholic myself(recovering) since early childhood, I felt your pain and wanted to share my perspectives. My perspectives/opinions, are exactly that and nothing more. I am not purporting to be an authority nor am I trying to demean you by disagreeing.
I believe the following statement to be a false argument;
"I would give anything to have my son in jail, alive and hating me, rather than where he is; I can no longer help him."
Unfortunately you were not offered this choice and in my opinion you're being presumptuous, unfairly and unnecessarily beating yourself up.
Your circumstances would be a a pain beyond my comprehension and obviously I do not know how I would deal with it. Yet this tragedy is what it is, you are suffering enough and I do not agree that you should carry this extra burden in addition to all you must deal with.
I reiterate my condolences and wish you the very best moving forward.
No matter what we do or do not do, the addicts in our lives will continue to use until the time they decide it is time to change. Jail, rehab, ostracism do not matter - the impetus for change comes when the addict is tired of the drama.
We are only responsible for our own behavior. It may be hard to remember sometimes, but keep that thought close by, and it will free you of unneccesary guilt.
I totally agree! To label someone an "enabler" in re: to how they deal with an addict, is to place shame and guilt on those who are certainly not deserving of it. I know, I was a drunk and an addict myself and am currently dealing with a husband who is still actively drinking. He hasn't come any closer to giving up abusing alcohol since I stopped "enabling" him. In fact, he drinks more now than he did during the years my behavior was labeled as such, because his disease is progressing. I have come to learn that, as much as we might love someone, when it comes to addiction, the buck stops with the addict.
I applaud you Barb, for your own recovery. I hope that, as you reflect on how you came to find your own sobriety, you will understand that nothing anyone else did or didn't do was responsible for that recovery. It was something you did on your own behalf and with a great deal of resolve and courage. I'm sorry for you and your family that your son didn't come to that place before it was too late. I hope that, in time, you will come to know and understand that it is not, in any way, your fault.
http://stark-raving-sober.blogspot.com/
Condemn and blame the disease of addiction. But dear God, please - do NOT condemn and blame your precious self. You have suffered more than any loving parent could possibly deserve.
You are in my heart and in my prayers.
Has he recovered? No, sadly he has not.
I will never enable again. I suffered as much as the addict.