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Barbara Crafton

Barbara Crafton

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How Religion Can Help (and Hurt) Our Understanding of Marriage and Family

Posted: 03/ 9/11 08:43 PM ET

Things seem pretty solid here at home after the Justice Department announced that it would no longer defend the constitutionality of Defense of Marriage Act cases. So it seems that our straight marriage has survived the unspecified threats gay marriage poses to it. I still don't get what these threats are, exactly, nor do I understand how it is that an institution said to be the bedrock of everything civilization holds dear can at the same time be so utterly fragile as to stand in need of a vigorous defense. Now it seems that the whole thing may be on its way to the footnotes of American constitutional history without my ever having figured it out. Not even the Republicans, for whom this issue seemed so central not that long ago, seem to want to fight about about it any more, except for Mike Huckabee. Of course, he's a pastor, so what do you expect?

But wait a minute -- I'm a pastor. This reminds me of what has irked me about DOMA -- and about the whole moral conversation in general -- ever since it appeared: People think there's only one kind of Christian. People think there's only one kind of religious moral vision. People outside faith communities imagine a conservative social consensus within them that isn't there, and people within them often think there should be one, even though there isn't. The old inside joke about Jews -- two Jews, three opinions -- is true of all faith communities. We share a certain moral and cultural inheritance, and our spiritual assignment is to puzzle over it. Often we agree among ourselves about its meaning and application in the world and sometimes we don't. That's the way assemblies of human beings and faith communities are nothing if not human.

Still, many faith communities -- most of them -- do claim a monopoly on truth. They want to proclaim it and then they don't want anybody messing with it. The last sentences of the Christian scriptures contain this warning to anyone who might be toying with the idea of adding something to Holy Writ: I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book (Revelation 22:18).

Our reverence for our ancient texts trips us up. We imagine the truth of scripture to be of the journalistic sort, the who-what-when-where-how kind of truth, the it-either-happened-or-it-didn't kind of truth, which many among us have come to believe is the only kind of truth there is. But it is not so. There are many truths -- the truth of story, the truth of archetype, the truth of poetry, the truth of group aspiration. None of those fit easily into who-what-when-where-how. And the world's holy scriptures contain them all.

Because we have so beggared our notion of what truth is, we can easily find ourselves imagining religious truth to reside only in our past, as the words on the page record it. There it is, in black and white, we say. Just do what it says. And so we reach back across several linguistic groups and several cultural groups, through the filters of redactors and translators too numerous to count, and struggle to don first-century clothing we can no longer wear. Or we project ourselves backwards through time. "Well, they must have been just like us," we think. Our own local version of The Family, as we know it today, must be and always have been the timeless rock of humanity.

In order to believe this, we must not only ignore the varieties of contemporary family
arrangements but also significant portions of the very scriptures we tell ourselves we are protecting -- our polygamous patriarchs, their concubines and the children they begot upon them. We must ignore the custom of the Levirate, by which you had to take your sister-in-law as your wife if your brother died. We must read the story of David and his beloved Jonathan selectively, resolutely ignoring the sexual aspect of their deep friendship. And we must ignore some very interesting women of the Hebrew scriptures -- Tamar the wronged daughter-in-law who turned the tables on those who wronged her. Rahab the brave and crafty prostitute, who used her profession to save her people. Ruth, who secured her future by seducing a wealthy farmer. Old Testament women who thought outside the box, remembered fondly in the New -- each of them listed by Matthew the evangelist as part of Jesus' family tree.

The nuclear family, so often imagined to be the norm in America, is not the only family of the scriptures. It is not even the majority family of the scriptures. In fact, it is not even the only American family: American families have had many configurations in the short history of our Republic. The family has always changed. Yes, it has always been a basic building block of society, but it has changed shape throughout history. Human history is shaped by living people, as well as by the testament of dead ones. It is a conversation between the living and the dead. And the history of any community is shaped by forces outside it, as well as by those within.

So, not with a bang but a whimper, the Defense of Marriage Act fades from the headlines. Don't Ask, Don't Tell has ended, too, with hardly any truculence to mark its departure. Maybe we are turning a page. Maybe we are beginning to save our energy for something more worthy of it than the culture wars about sex and marriage we have fought so long and with such zest.

Maybe. Because there are, indeed, threats to the health of families everywhere, but they are not other kinds of families. Shocked by an economic downturn, sickened by the sacrifice of young lives in ill-considered wars, sobered by a new consciousness of societal and environmental limits, perhaps we can begin to see an urgency in finding ways through all of these, instead. Perhaps we already do see it.

 
 
 
Things seem pretty solid here at home after the Justice Department announced that it would no longer defend the constitutionality of Defense of Marriage Act cases. So it seems that our straight marria...
Things seem pretty solid here at home after the Justice Department announced that it would no longer defend the constitutionality of Defense of Marriage Act cases. So it seems that our straight marria...
 
 
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Aaron Pozdol
Utopianism is the greatest sin there is.
09:40 PM on 03/12/2011
This country was founded by DEISTS based on HUMANIST principles, even if some people today believe otherwise. It's a good example of how religious understandings can skew historical fact, like there has always seen some mythical nuclear marriage based solely on love and God and requiring church sanctions in all places at all times, even within traditionally Christian cultures.

1st principles: Christian principles are not the sole source of ethical thought. People, why do you thinking that the Bible must be authored by some divine influence, if you reject the divinity of an number of other holy books authored both before and after that make conflicting assertions? What makes people think that Christianity has it right? Other religions are more numerous, older, and rely less on a sometimes conflicting set of beliefs from Judiasm.

It doesn't support the case to point out that civic societies change over time if you're claiming that religion should be part of the discussion, since religious priorities change and can argue both sides of an issue (see slavery). Humanist principles are the ones that are most consistent.

To argue that morality cannot exist in a godless world, I would ask people to recognize that "the Golden Rule" exists in nearly all moral systems - and even if it has elements of relativism, its no less problematic with the difference between eye for an eye and casting the first stone. Humans are social animals, yet sometimes lack the emotional maturity to act correctly and thus behave
12:32 PM on 03/14/2011
History Lesson Time:America was founded on the freedom of religion by people fleeing religious persecution. America's forefathers wanted the separation of church and state because at the time the King of England was also the head of the Church of England and they did not want the king to have the power to also tell people what to believe and how to worship. Many of Americas forefathers were practicing Christians, not deist or humanists. So, America was definitely founded on Christian principles.

You can decide on one religion vs another the same way you can decide on one theory vs another; based on the evidence. Are you saying all religions are the same? Some religions created gods on seemingly a daily basis, others were revealed to only one "lucky" individual, very few, as a matter of fact only one is written into history the way Christianity is.

Morality can exist in a godless society, but without some foundation it is merely moral relativism. Its no surprise the golden rule exists in most moral systems. The Christian view is that man was created in God's image, and whether we acknowledge it or not, inherently possesses godly qualities

If humans are animals why is it difficult to accept animal-like behavior from humans? Lack emotional maturity...compared to what. If we're constantly evolving, what more emotionally advanced being are we comparing maturity to, and what basis do we have to say how people should act?
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Aaron Pozdol
Utopianism is the greatest sin there is.
11:36 PM on 03/14/2011
Oh, thank you very much for the history lesson. One point of contention - there is a difference between the first settlers of the continent and those men who founded the nation. I think we find common ground though that separation of church and state was because leaders who are allowed to rule based on religious precepts is anathema to a democratic society. No theocracies, therefore no religious-based legislation. I'm gladdened to know that we agree on this. As far as the FF's faiths, I must not be paying attention because there are a lot of documented quotes from the "Big Names" about there general derision for the supernatural aspects of Christianity. Maybe Jefferson's re-written/edited Gospels would be a good example.

I dispute that there is any evidence for religion, so when you are deciding on one religion or another its based purely on aesthetics or trauma. As a matter of fact, the precepts of the metaphysical Christian tradition are lifted piecemeal from those of the religions that preceded it. And no religion that I am aware of began as monotheist and then added...unless you count Catholicism with the trinity, and some traditions in the Americas combing their native faiths with Catholicism. Oh, but of course those are counterfeits of the Truth, right? Everyone else has it wrong but you?
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Aaron Pozdol
Utopianism is the greatest sin there is.
11:36 PM on 03/14/2011
Charges of moral relativism are cop-outs. Christianity does not clarify this as I noted in my OP when considering difference between Old and New Testaments, and since what was once moral in earlier Western society is now immoral (slavery, women as property, holy war) shows that religion is in fact no less relativist. But to the point: the purest form of morality is not doing that which would not want done to ourselves and to not do that which we could not support everyone else doing. To say that this is necessarily godly is to assume there is a God that has those qualities, and ignore that the most essential and universal moral codes are socially beneficial.

To your final argument: if you don't acknowledge that humans are animals, it's difficult to contest anything since we are on completely different playing fields. Humans are animals - do you claim that no other animal acts at odds with it's own self-interest? Please elaborate. Lack emotional maturity compared to Stone Age tribal societies that claim God told them to murder and pillage, that demonize the other and etc etc Leviticus/Exodus.
03:22 PM on 03/12/2011
"So it seems that our straight marriage has survived the unspecified threats gay marriage poses to it. I still don't get what these threats are, exactly."

Trust me on this, Babara, theyare non-existent. "They" never will "specify" them because there aren't any. At least, no reasoned, logical, non-'religious' threats, anyway.
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ninetailedfox
banning people.....so childish
06:43 AM on 03/12/2011
I love how people can say Jesus was loving, peaceful and tolerance Matt10:34 do not think ive come for peace........ Lets not forget the three passages that say Jesus approved of slavery and two that say he has nothing against a parent killing their own child. Doesnt that break the command, thou shall not kill?
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brandonslayton
01:35 AM on 03/13/2011
for those of us that have forgotten, will you please cite those verses?
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J242
Micro-bio? We don't need no stinkin' micro-bio!
01:59 AM on 03/12/2011
"I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: if anyone adds to them, God will add to him the plagues described in this book (Revelation 22:18)."

Try telling that to the Council of Nicaea, the vatican and every single preacher, pastor, minister, cleric or church "official" ever to call themselves such. Religion just needs to go away already so our species can heal and grow intellectually.
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virpilosus
...all things in moderation...
01:35 AM on 03/12/2011
Great point in the article regarding the "biblical" norm of "one man--one woman" view of marriage. Lest we forget, POLYGAMY is quite a biblical "norm" for marriage...just take a look at the Patriarchs!
03:46 AM on 03/12/2011
Vir,

You overlook the fact that the Bible has three main characters: God, the Jews, the Gentiles. It is a narrative of how those three main characters interacted with one another. Jews and Gentiles did plenty of things that were not in God's plan but being a gracious God they were sometimes tolerated. Polygamy was one of those deviations.
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othel
ask NOT what your country WILL do for you
04:04 PM on 03/11/2011
Organized, self-serving, hypocritical religions don't solve problems - they create them.
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Cowboylove
04:03 PM on 03/11/2011
God is love. Anything that fights love, fights God, including, but not limited to, religion.
01:57 AM on 03/12/2011
Well said!

Love God

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Pretty simple and, neighbor, as defined by Jesus, is everyone..

...and also defined by Jesus, it is God's job to judge...Not courts, not politicians...not any human or 'neighbors' at all.
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Jon Polm
@jonpolm
12:28 PM on 03/11/2011
Marriage is about love, not God. It used to be about money and property, not God. So sad that same-sex marriages aren't legal everywhere.
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Hillbilly49
Don't tell me you are a Christian; let me guess.
09:40 AM on 03/11/2011
Religion has never done one thing to improve marriage; gay or straight.
02:00 AM on 03/12/2011
Religion divides, God Unites.

Unconditional Love covers all, and needs to be law, not unconditional hate and unconditional divisiveness.
02:04 AM on 03/11/2011
SSM doesn't threaten heterosexual marriage but that isn't the question to ask, the question to ask is does SSM burden or harm a social group? The answer to this question is "Yes it harms children by creating socially licensed homes that are absent either the mother or father of the child." Here is how.

SSM creates socially licensed gender segregated homes (male/male or female/fem­ale). By their very nature such homes will exclude either the child's mother or father. Very straight forward set of facts. Anyone believe those aren't the facts?

Despite a small number of "Studies" that have serious flaws; lack of representa­tive samples, small sample size, complicate­d comparison­s, lack of heterogene­ity of subject groups, measuremen­t concerns, lack of statistica­l controls, & very limited data on children raised by gay fathers, the mainstream view in child developmen­t & psychology is that the mother/chi­ld father/chi­ld relationsh­ip is important in child developmen­t. Anyone not believe that the mother/chi­ld father/chi­ld relationsh­ip is important in child developmen­t?

Let me point out that the same reasoning behind the, SSM doesn't threaten heterosexual marriage, was used to defend racial segregatio­n. White Southern Segregatio­nists defended themselves by saying Southern Jim Crow laws had no impact on Northern & Western whites. Little wonder it is being used by those promoting the institutio­nalization of gender segregatio­n.
07:45 AM on 03/11/2011
"Anyone not believe that the mother/chi­­ld father/chi­­ld relationsh­­ip is important in child developmen­­t?"

In a perfect world perhaps. So what's better for the child? An SSM family or a single parent family or an abusive parent family? If an SSM couple goes to the trouble of parenting a child, you can be pretty sure that they really want that child and will love it and nourish it.
11:12 AM on 03/11/2011
Are you saying there are perfect same sex couples but no perfect heterosexual couples? No abusive same sex parents, no breakups, no single parents in the gay community? No we are all human and the gay community has the same issues as the straight community about parenting. Gay parents have no greater or worse ability to parent than straight parents. This isn't about ability though, this is about is about THE FACT that with a gay couple the child is deprived of of either her father or mother, Yes? No?

Do you hold this "perfect world" position in other areas? Like race, in a perfect world races could get along but since the world isn't perfect races should be separate. You see the problem your line of reasoning leads to? Social policy is based upon the best, not the worst. The ideal, not the lowest common denominator, justice for all not justice for some, you get the idea.
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TBJ
Irrelevent Blurb
10:11 AM on 03/11/2011
Please stop using the term "gender segregation". It is incredibly nonsensical.
10:53 AM on 03/11/2011
Nonsensical? SSM doesn't produce male/male or female/female homes? Such homes don't separate the genders? Please explain.
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Allen Bouchard
I worship His Divine Shadow.
05:02 PM on 03/10/2011
It's good to hear from theists who oppose DOMA, which is a violation of (amongst other areas of the Constitution) the 1st Amendment's establishment clause.

"You know, I've had 12 blissful years with my lovely wife Catherine but what about Chuck? What's Chuck doing later?" - Jimmy Tingle
10:08 PM on 03/10/2011
So how does it establish the Jewish religion?
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Allen Bouchard
I worship His Divine Shadow.
10:51 AM on 03/11/2011
It enacts a solely religious viewpoint as the law of land, this is a violation of the establishment clause.
04:58 PM on 03/10/2011
Everyone needs to face the facts that there is no true 'right' religion. Think about how many religions there have been in the world since the beginning of civilizations. Let's take a step back in history and think about how the Mesopotamian, the Egyptians, the Greeks, and the Romans all worshiped. They were all polytheistic, and looked for a higher power for all situations and standards. The God's were not 'for the humans' but rather seen as against them; so this is where we get a shift from Polytheism to Monotheism. Why would Jesus or Muhammad or whoever be sent down from God at a time in the middle of history? What about all of the people before? Some people like to argue that it is because 2/3 of the population were slaves (in the Greco-Roman times when Christ appeared). There is no right and wrong and it happens to come down -for most people- to where you are born and have been brain washed to think. There probably is a God, because; well, something cannot come from nothing. However, I think the idea that YOUR religion has it all figured out is a bit naive and egocentric.

I say ALL of that rather lengthy explanation to state that it is NOT right to hinder someone's right to marriage because it will ruin the sanctity of marriage. Christians are not right anymore than the Jews, LDS, Catholics, etc. Religion has become a homophobic shackle chaining up individual freedoms.
04:45 PM on 03/10/2011
" Still, many faith communities -- most of them -- do claim a monopoly on truth. "
So true and I have learned this firsthand. This is the part about certain aspects of religion that irk me the most, along with intolerance of others who don't sing from the same hymnal.
http://www.goodenoughmother.com/2011/02/the-god-i-know-religion-and-the-real-world/
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04:35 PM on 03/10/2011
Personally, I am relieved that gay marriage is not being mandatory for all citizens, since that was the impression I was getting listening to and reading all the rhetoric against gay marriage.
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06:55 PM on 03/10/2011
Mandatory gay marriage??? What will they think of next!
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logicanada
Blogger, radio co-host, writer, editor, voice-over
03:02 PM on 03/10/2011
I can"t help but think of what religion could achieve were it to focus it's collective efforts not on the divisiveness of small issues, but in working toward solving the larger problems . . . hunger, poverty, peace.
03:10 PM on 03/10/2011
It does both.

You do this.
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logicanada
Blogger, radio co-host, writer, editor, voice-over
03:17 PM on 03/10/2011
Yeah. . . . no.