Report from the Socialist International Conspiracy

Surely you have heard by now of the imminent socialist takeover of America, and if you find the prospect unlikely, ask yourself: How many socialists do you know who lost millions in the recent stock market crashes? Just as I thought -- none -- and that's not only because you don't know any socialists. The truth is that we, the Socialist International Conspiracy, not only saw this coming, we are the ones who made it happen.

The plan took shape during a particularly intense criticism/self-criticism session at our 2000 annual convention in a booth at an Akron IHOP. We realized that we'd been recruiting no more new members per year than the Green Bay Packers and that, despite all our efforts, more Americans have been taken aboard UFOs than have embraced the historic promise of socialism. So we decided to suspend our usual work of standing on street corners and hissing, "Hey, how'd you like to live in a workers' paradise?" Instead of building socialism, one worker at a time, we would focus on destroying capitalism, hedge fund by hedge fund.

First, we selected a cadre of crusty punks from the streets of Seattle, stripped off their Che T-shirts, suited them up in Armani's and wingtips, and introduced them to the concepts of derivatives and dental floss. Then we shipped them to Wall Street with firm instructions: Make as much money as you can, as fast as you can, and as soon as the money starts rolling in, send it out to make more money by whatever dodgy means you can find -- subprime loans, credit default swaps, pyramid schemes -- anything goes. And oh yes: Spend your own earnings in the most flamboyantly gross ways you can think of -- $10,000 martinis, fountains of champagne -- so as to fan the flames of class resentment.

These brave comrades did far better than we could have imagined, quickly adapting to lives of excess and greed punctuated only by squash games at the Century Club. But we could not have inflicted such massive damage to capitalism if we hadn't also planted skilled agents in high places within the government and various quasi-governmental agencies. When all this is over, Phil Gramm, for example -- the former senator and McCain economics advisor -- will be getting a Hero of Socialism award for his courageous battle against financial regulation. That's the only name I can name at this moment, but I will tell you this: If you happened to have been in a playground in the suburbs of DC any time in the last few years, and noticed an impeccably dressed elderly man poking around under rocks, that was a certain Federal Reserve Chairman, looking for his weekly orders from the central committee.

Things were going swimmingly until about a week ago, when the capitalists suddenly staged a counter-coup. We had thought that the nationalization of the banks would bring capitalism to its knees, but instead, the capitalists were craftily using it to privatize the government. Goldman Sachs, former home of Henry Paulson, has taken the lead, planting its agents so thickly about the erstwhile public sector as to earn the nickname "Government Sachs." Among the former Goldman Sachs operatives now running the country, in addition to Paulson, are the president's chief of staff, the chairman of the New York Fed, the man appointed to take over A.I.G., and the 35-year-old boy wonder selected to oversee the bail-out program.

According to the New York Times, "Goldman supporters" insist there is no "conspiracy" and not a black helicopter in sight -- just a bunch of public-spirited investment bankers sacrificing their normal 8-figure salaries for the good of the nation. But we socialists know a conspiracy when we see one, and some in our ranks are complaining bitterly that as capitalism began to collapse, the bankers seized the life raft that was intended to save the laid-off, the foreclosed-upon, and the exploited masses in general.

Ah well, we socialists still have the election to look forward to. After months of studying the candidates' economic plans, we have determined that one of them, and only one, can be relied on to complete the destruction of capitalism. With high hopes and great confidence, the Socialist International Conspiracy endorses John McCain!

Comments

[georgiaR]

What happens when the rich people get tired of supporting the poor people? Ever read "Atlas Shrugged".

[Cannae]

Barbara, you're the best.

Every time I hear McCain use the phrase "spread the wealth" I wonder if he isn't doing a great service to Obama. How many Americans would really oppose that, despite Palin's attempt to revive McCarthyism yesterday.

[Durango]

We Socialists out here in the West have been in disorder for some time now.

We used to get our instructions via Moscow over the radio. But it went dead some time ago.

Then we started getting our messages from Peking. But then those messages were instructing us about stock options and buying American Treasury Bonds and the low cost of Chinese labor, which is not unionized and is a great deal for American capitalists

As a result we have become totally confused.

Of course we still have Cuba but really, they are really B team material.

Whats a good Socialist to do?

[terentz]

He's a socialist!!! The Republicans are desparate -- and it shows.

[Tasies]

Memo to all Free Market Jihadist: it's called proportionality. Not income equality.

The problem with the free marketeers is the misrepresentation of not only socialism, but also the over reaching reactions they have to any form of income redistribution.

By default, the marketeers are admitting that the free market is tyrannical and that massive/gargantuan income discrepancies are completely justified.

In other words, not only is hard work not proportionally valued but completely under valued.

[billw8017]

For what it's worth, the government taking over the means of production is not strictly
Socialism, but Syndicalism which, I admit, is a theory of radical French Socialists developed in the 18th century. When workers combine with the government, USA President Herbert Hoover said, it is Socialism. He expected the triumphant system would be a combination of business and government or Fascism though he preferred a small government and a collusion of business and labor. (William Appleman Williams' The Tragedy of American Diplomacy).

In the 1920s-30s, Fascism was a much admired theory. Churchill, visiting Italy, expressed his admiration for Mussolini who had "made the trains run on time." Hitler also admired Mussolini and adopted his program to Germany. World War II made Fascism a dirty word that we can hardly contemplate coolly, but that is how the big bail out is structured since it rescues the bonuses and dividends of the officers and investors.

[Durango]

Syndicalism was Big Bill Haywood and the Wobblies wasn't it?
One Big Union.

I think you are correct that what we are seeing in the take over of the banks (our are the banks taking over the government) is more accurately characterized as fascism.

It is certainly NOT Socialism.

[WatermelonGrower]

Capitalism gives socialism, a good name, just as communism gave socialism a bad name.

[deliriousgod]

just as H i t ler gave dog-ownership a bad name. just as C ast ro gave cigar-smoking a bad name. Just as M a o gave fried food a bad name

[killmenow]

I went to see Barack and Michelle speak at a rally in Bicentennial Park in Miami yesterday. It was an absolutely beautiful day, but looking at those lovely, fluffy clouds in the bright, blue sky and feeling the soft ocean breeze, I'm still thinking of leaving Florida.

Bill Nelson was there. He's a terrific Senator for the state. He bravely voted against the "bailout" because of so many earmarks and the lack of help for homeowners and the middle class in the bill. Robert Wexler was there, and Debbie Wasserman Schultz, along with Kendrick Meek and other Democratic heroes representing Floridians. But I'm still torn about leaving Florida.

I hear that there's another state in the Union that's further north and a lot colder, but the Governor there hands out free, no-strings checks for over three thousand dollars to every man, woman and child in the state. They don't call it Socialism up there. Let's just call it "Palin Participat­ion." I'm thinking of moving to Alaska so that Governor Palin will give me a free check!

[map2history]

In Alaska, I heard, one can also fly one's children around at tax-payer expense.

[Over50WhiteWoman]

And there is no state income tax. The state is supported by the revenues from the oil companies. Palin has certainly delivered for those Alaskans--even if it is socialism. Share the wealth everybody!
No wonder they like her!

[map2history]

If they do love her up there, its because its too cold for Alaskans to go out and check the facts: forget about her illegal pilfering, Alaska is supported by federal subsidies - subsidies that were comin' long before she became governor.

[Durango]

And don't forget that because of those "Free Checks" mailed out to Alaskans, you as a taxpayer of the Lower 49 states get to subsidize Alaska with your Federal taxes. To make up for the money they hand out, which is not socialism.

Why else do you think Sarah and Senator Stevens were at the top of the list for Earmarks?

And other Federal boondoggle spending (Earmarks are only the latest manifestation of Pork Barrel spending. Much more goes through the regular Appropriations process)

Without your generosity Alaska would be bankrupt.

[practicalidealist]

Socialism is all about taking over the means of production. Communist China has pretty much done that. So what's left for us? Socializing Walmart?

[deliriousgod]

Walmart functions more like Maoism than China does today. China offers more opportunity for the creation of a comfortable middle class than Walmart does. And worker's protests in China produce results more satisfactory to the worker than an American worker taking issue with Walmart can hope to achieve. Walmart is part of a fascist feudalism that has a tiny aristocracy composed of loutish barons at the top and a broad base of serfs with no rights and little property.

[tedpikul]

Oh jesus...Go after Wal-Mart if you want, but don't tout China as the land of opportunity. You still can't read anything you want and you can't say anything you want, and you can't do what you want. Yes America is the Great Satan, but we have freedom of association (more or less). Your last sentence could be applied to China: "...a fascist feudalism that has a tiny aristicracy composed of loutish barons [party members] at the top and a broad base of serfs with no rights and little property". In the workers' paradise, some folks are definitely more equal (and better fed) than others.

[billw8017]

Hasn't China already Socialized Walmart? There is a huge payout to the Waltons and cheaper prices for customers, but when Walmart requires suppliers to move to China, it is supporting China's industrial program. There is, at least, a business partnership under China's terms.

[farhome]

SIC 'em, Barbara!

[argyle]

I like it when we talk about it as satire. Makes it seem like it's not true. But we will share the wealth of the earth with all its inhabitants, so that none want. Without imprisoning ourselves in constricting ideologies that require that this be bought at the expense of freedom: economic, social and political. We just haven't figured out how yet. And we never will. But we build it anyway, piece by piece, and one day we'll look and it will be done.

[ramal]

Brilliant as always. The neocons are finding now that just calling something "liberal" does not have the same fire power that it once did, they have had to up the volume by a couple of notches, now if they don't know what else to call it, it is "socialism­." Hmmm, me thinks Christ was a socialist.

[JanP]

I didn't know that Chris Dodd and Barney Frank were NeoCons!

WOW!

They sure earned their pay from Freddy and fannie - that wonderful couple who were intent on helping the poor become even poorer. They got them to buy houses and then lose all their money when the Adjustable Rates were adjusted into the stratosphere.

Just remember that "Sharing the wealth" means that if you are in a house or an apartment and you have a computer, you need to share your wealth with a person living under a bridge in a cardboard box.

[map2history]

Seriously juvenile reasoning here. Fannie Mae et al provide a service based upon information. If the information is faulty, ie if the rating companies aren't doing their jobs, the whole system comes crashing down. The Republicans controlled both houses of Congress from 2002-2006 (when the housing bubble burst). Dodd and Frank, being in the minority party, didn't chair their respective committees until Congress took office in January 2007.

More importantly, our current regime is now advocating the nationalization of certain banks. Nationalization = Socialism. Economists and politicians, both liberal and conservative, American and European, are lining up in support. So, get ready, its coming.

More importantly, its clear that you don't get the jist of Ehrenreich's satire - while people like you succumb to Republican fear-mongering regarding socialism from the bottom (we'll all have to share our computers with the homeless?) you seem blissfully unaware of the top-down socialist takeover engineered by none other than GWB!

[Over50WhiteWoman]

Fanny and Freddie and all the bankers were making money hand-over-fist in those sub-prime deals so don't tell me they were 'pushed' into it. They were willing victims!

[billw8017]

As one monkey experiment, the researchers began to reduce the food. They found that the ranking monkeys endured without discomfort even as the lower ranked began to die of hunger. This makes sense. If the local food supply will not sustain the whole tribe, some must leave or die. The survivors should not be so weakened as to jeopardize their own survival. JanP's willingness to leave some Americans living under a bridge in a cardboard box follows sound animal behavior theory. It doesn't have to be that way, you know. Our condition just should not be that desperate. We can feed more people than we have, and most of them would be happy to have work and justify their existence in society.

[Durango]

And LIBERAL means Freedom.

As in Liberate.

[gypsy508]

Seems to me that being paid millions for running a company badly and then walking away with a fat severance check when you are pushed out, and then have the government bail out your company...­well, hard to imagine the Communist Party ever doing better than that in countries controlled by them.

[VikingQuest]

When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.

-Benjamin Franklin

[Durango]

While that quote seems to be all over the right Wing Blogosphere, I don't believe for a second that Franklin ever said any such thing.

And at least one wing nut site agrees that there is no evidence that Franklin said it.

For one thing. It does not sound the least like anything Benjamin Franklin would ever say.

[mmonarch]

"The final and best means of strengthening demand among consumers and business is to reduce the burden on private income and the deterrents to private initiative which are imposed by our present tax system — and this administration pledged itself last summer to an across-the-board, top-to-bottom cut in personal and corporate income taxes to be enacted and become effective in 1963. Corporate tax rates must also be cut to increase incentives and the availability of investment capital. The government has already taken major steps this year to reduce business tax liability and to stimulate the modernization, replacement, and expansion of our productive plant and equipment. We have done this through the 1962 investment tax credit and through the liberalization of depreciation allowances — two essential parts of our first step in tax revision — which amounted to a ten percent reduction in corporate income taxes worth 2.5 billion dollars. Now we need to increase consumer demand to make these measures fully effective — demand which will make more use of existing capacity and thus increase both profits and the incentive to invest. In fact, profits after taxes would be at least 15 percent higher today if we were operating at full employment­." John F. Kennedy 12/14/1962

[JoBangles]

And his statement was half a century ago and applied to circumstances of that time. Neither had government de-regulated the business/financial sector that has created the total mess that was
caused by that de-regulation. Your point would resonate to those who have benefitted from trickle down economics, the majority would beg to differ with you.

It wasn't broke, but the conservatives demanded that it be "fixed", and boy oh boy, was it ever "fixed". And the "fix" has amounted to your government socializing bad behavour by
that same de-regulated banking system. I don't want to hear the purists crying about the
socializing of America by the left again. Twofaced hipocrites, all of them!

[Hattie]

So that's what Kennedy said. So what? It isn't just that times have changed. Kennedy was a middle of the road cold war liberal. If he had not been assassinated, we wouldn't be eulogizing him now, that's for sure.

[mmonarch]

"your government"

I didn't vote for Barney Franks, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Schumer. They had the opportunity in 2005 to try and straighten out Fannie and Freddie and saw nothing wrong. They were too busy being happy playing Santa Claus with our money. I hate the thought of Obama taking more of my hard earned money and throwing it by the fistful to people that have absolutely no conception of what it is even like to PAY A TAX. If you want to look at two faced HYPOCRITES (spell it right, first, if you are going to be a know it all) - look at Congress. ALL of them. Not just GOP, but the Dem's too. I'd like to FIX their pension plan.

[bradluen]

Without endorsing either plan, I'd like to play spot-the-d­ifference:

"We've already lost three-quarters of a million jobs this year, and some experts say that unemployment may rise to 8% by the end of next year. We can't wait until then to start creating new jobs. That's why I'm proposing to give our businesses a new American jobs tax credit for each new employee they hire here in the United States over the next two years.

"To fuel the real engine of job creation in this country, I've also proposed eliminating all capital gains taxes on investments in small businesses and start-up companies, and I've proposed an additional tax incentive through next year to encourage new small business investment. It is time to protect the jobs we have and to create the jobs of tomorrow by unlocking the drive, and ingenuity, and innovation of the American people. And we should fast track the loan guarantees we passed for our auto industry and provide more as needed so that they can build the energy-efficient cars America needs to end our dependence on foreign oil." -- Barack Obama, October 13th.