Report from the Socialist International Conspiracy
Surely you have heard by now of the imminent socialist takeover of America, and if you find the prospect unlikely, ask yourself: How many socialists do you know who lost millions in the recent stock market crashes? Just as I thought -- none -- and that's not only because you don't know any socialists. The truth is that we, the Socialist International Conspiracy, not only saw this coming, we are the ones who made it happen.
The plan took shape during a particularly intense criticism/self-criticism session at our 2000 annual convention in a booth at an Akron IHOP. We realized that we'd been recruiting no more new members per year than the Green Bay Packers and that, despite all our efforts, more Americans have been taken aboard UFOs than have embraced the historic promise of socialism. So we decided to suspend our usual work of standing on street corners and hissing, "Hey, how'd you like to live in a workers' paradise?" Instead of building socialism, one worker at a time, we would focus on destroying capitalism, hedge fund by hedge fund.
First, we selected a cadre of crusty punks from the streets of Seattle, stripped off their Che T-shirts, suited them up in Armani's and wingtips, and introduced them to the concepts of derivatives and dental floss. Then we shipped them to Wall Street with firm instructions: Make as much money as you can, as fast as you can, and as soon as the money starts rolling in, send it out to make more money by whatever dodgy means you can find -- subprime loans, credit default swaps, pyramid schemes -- anything goes. And oh yes: Spend your own earnings in the most flamboyantly gross ways you can think of -- $10,000 martinis, fountains of champagne -- so as to fan the flames of class resentment.
These brave comrades did far better than we could have imagined, quickly adapting to lives of excess and greed punctuated only by squash games at the Century Club. But we could not have inflicted such massive damage to capitalism if we hadn't also planted skilled agents in high places within the government and various quasi-governmental agencies. When all this is over, Phil Gramm, for example -- the former senator and McCain economics advisor -- will be getting a Hero of Socialism award for his courageous battle against financial regulation. That's the only name I can name at this moment, but I will tell you this: If you happened to have been in a playground in the suburbs of DC any time in the last few years, and noticed an impeccably dressed elderly man poking around under rocks, that was a certain Federal Reserve Chairman, looking for his weekly orders from the central committee.
Things were going swimmingly until about a week ago, when the capitalists suddenly staged a counter-coup. We had thought that the nationalization of the banks would bring capitalism to its knees, but instead, the capitalists were craftily using it to privatize the government. Goldman Sachs, former home of Henry Paulson, has taken the lead, planting its agents so thickly about the erstwhile public sector as to earn the nickname "Government Sachs." Among the former Goldman Sachs operatives now running the country, in addition to Paulson, are the president's chief of staff, the chairman of the New York Fed, the man appointed to take over A.I.G., and the 35-year-old boy wonder selected to oversee the bail-out program.
According to the New York Times, "Goldman supporters" insist there is no "conspiracy" and not a black helicopter in sight -- just a bunch of public-spirited investment bankers sacrificing their normal 8-figure salaries for the good of the nation. But we socialists know a conspiracy when we see one, and some in our ranks are complaining bitterly that as capitalism began to collapse, the bankers seized the life raft that was intended to save the laid-off, the foreclosed-upon, and the exploited masses in general.
Ah well, we socialists still have the election to look forward to. After months of studying the candidates' economic plans, we have determined that one of them, and only one, can be relied on to complete the destruction of capitalism. With high hopes and great confidence, the Socialist International Conspiracy endorses John McCain!
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Its funny because it is too true. Socialism as a political force is non-existant in the US.
Too bad. We could use a practical alternative right now to unrestricted free market capitalism that self-destructs.
What do you call what they have in Europe?
Better heathcare system
Better educational system
A real mass transit system
Better environment
35 hour work week
Six weeks vacation
No structural trade deficit
No structural national debt
That's what I want.
Me 2
Better heathcare system- Waiting for weeks or months to get it is not better.
A real mass transit system-easy if you'r only going short distances
Better environment- because they can't afford paying 4-5 times what we pay for energy
35 hour work week-because they don't like to work hard
Six weeks vacation- ditto
No structural trade deficit- they cook the books to make the numbers look good.
No structural national debt- ditto
and you forgot a few
Higher unemployment rate.
higher tax rate
higher cost of living
No economic growth
very little ingenuity
NO FREE CHOICE.
If you really want it, why don't you go live there? Let us capitalists keep what made us the biggest economic power in the world.
No structural trade deficit
No structural national debt
Bullshit! Many European countries, such as France, have been faced with a skyrocketing national debt. And the Eurozone has been faced with a trade deficit because European goods are too expensive.
Socialists, don't despair! Our other plan to destroy capitalism via green technology and alternative energy resources is starting to work!!!
You do not know what you are talking about! Neither green technology nor alternative energy has anything to do with socialism. For your information, Google is a perfect example of capitalism at its best. Guess what? Google has backed both Nanosolar and Teslar Motors (both green and alternative energy). Why? Because any capitalist who has a clue what capitalism is about understands that capitalism is about innovation, courage, and respect of the individual.
Carlos Jean-Gilles
Saint Louis, MO
What happened to innovation in the financial industry? They invented sub-prime loans and derivatives.
Courage? They sold sub-prime loans to people who could not afford them and the derivatives to everyone worldwide.
Respect for the individual? Got that covered with the golden parachutes.
Yeah, capitalism is the way to go if you are one of the top 1%.
But what about the rest of us?
What we need are: working for the common good, reasonable precautions and accountability.
If you want to call that socialism - I'm in.
That was fun. Thanks!
Oh ha ha ha! How droll!
Leftism in America has degenerated into defensive smirkiness from and for type-B personalities.
Considering the Neo-McCarthyist depths in which your so-called Grand Old Party has sunk as of late, I think that Ms. Ehrenreich's satire is right on the money.
I'm a democratic socialist. Have been for a while.
Great satirical editorial on "socialism." I have a stock I watch the Yahoo message board on and there are at least a half dozen deep red idiots posting continuously on it. It started with the Obama/terrorist links, then the Rev. Wright, etc. But in the last couple of days it has morphed into the "socialist" labeling. Today though it topped all and he is now a "communist"! Shhh, don't let the masses know that. That one was probably brought on by the congresswoman Bachmann. You know, if they actually talked issues and facts I could at least possibly find it worth reading. But this name calling innuendo and false associations simply galls me. Most troubling though is that some people actually believe them. I just pray that my hopes and dreams are realized 2 weeks from today, otherwise I would have to consider leaving this country.
Nice try to take credit from someone else.
Those of us who get our news from Sean and Rush know the "truth"
It was people of color who used their great political and economic power in this country.
We even know the names of their leaders.
One's Freddie Mac..
And the other is Fannie Mae
A woman of course because these are the same people behind the ERA and gay divorce.
Wasn't Frannie May a Welfare Cadillac Queen back in the 80s? Jeez. How times have changed. Now she's a corporate welfare Lear Jet queen. I guess we have to credit the Raygun Revolution when everybody got trickled on and everybody got rich and we all celebrated mourning in America and we all lived happily ever after.
Indeed she was.
But with welfare reform, she got out got a job and pulled herself up by her bootstraps.
Once successful like all good Republicans, she gave her bootstraps to a poor person.
That explains why the government has to help guys like Eric Prince and David Lesar.
Since they've given their bootstraps away, the government has to help them get back on their fee.
And since she's now a corporate welfare queen, she's earned the government handout!
I don't think you have much to worry about either way, what with Obama's warlike stance on Afghanistan and Pakistan; sure to bring whatever is left of our economy down for the count. And whatever timetable there is for withdrawal from Iraq - it'll be long enough to finally do the whole rotten mess in in spite of Paulson's fancy underhanded pay off to his pals as he let's them in the back door of the Treasury.
Obama is the only choice right now even though the lesser of evils is a consideration, as many GOP rats while jumping ship, have concluded. We will have our hands full battling Obama in the coming years, and I say this as one who longs for democratic socialism in the United States.
Cheers,
Jack
hahahahahahahahahaha... that was great.
I wish all of these people railing against 'socialism'... would be forced to take their kids out of public schools (don't they know 'government sponsored" education is a socialist concept?). Then, w/ the smaller class sizes our "socialist" children could get a better education.
Forced - are you kidding - they're begging for it - that's the whole move behind voucher programs. They'd love to have a choice about where to send their kids - but unfortunately the teacher's union does not support your proposal. Somehow they see smaller classes and therefore less revenue to not be an answer for a better education.
Since when don't they have a choice? There's nothing preventing them from putting their kids in private schools. The government just isn't going to write them a check for it.
Vouchers are still socialism.
That's the thing. These wingers are just selfish, hateful, and greedy. Nothing but the best will do for them, and screw everybody else.
The teachers' union's job is to fight for teachers' rights, not to do the job of parents or boards of education. When does the corporate board consider what is best for the customers over and above what is best for the guy who pays them to do nothing but affirm his decisions?
It was never and will never be the task of any teachers' union to harm its members in favor keeping taxpayers from being responsible for the education of America's children.
How silly are you guys?
Correct.... EXCEPT the voucher program is still SOCIALIST in that it's government paid for. I suspect the reasons their children go to public schools and they want vouchers is because they CAN'T AFFORD PRIVATE ONES (which is the proper capitalist way of educating).
Again... if they are so against socialism... let them pay for their childrens education themselves. I suspect many of them will NOT be able to do so... which actually should work out very well for them... no education... no jobs... NO TAXES !!!!
Lol, Barbara. I love your books too. The only sad thing is how many people will read this and think you're telling the truth. :)
You mean this isn't the truth?
Oh poop!
Tell it like it is, Barbara.
"First, we selected a cadre of crusty punks from the streets of Seattle, stripped off their Che t-shirts, suited them up in Armani's and wingtips, and introduced them to the concepts of derivatives and dental floss. Then we shipped them to Wall Street with firm instructions: Make as much money as you can, as fast as you can, and as soon as the money starts rolling in, send it out to make more money by whatever dodgy means you can find - subprime loans, credit default swaps, pyramid schemes - anything goes. And oh yes: Spend your own earnings in the most flamboyantly gross ways you can think of -- $10,000 martinis, fountains of champagne - so as to fan the flames of class resentment."
AHA! THAT'S WHERE ALL THAT SLICKED BACK HAIR, PIN-STRIPED SUITS AND *BLING*BLING CAME FROM - I KNEW I RECOGNISED SOME OF THOSE SCRUFFILY-SHAVEN, TESTOSTERONE DRIPPING FACES IN FAMILIAR PLACES!
"You shall know them by their latte choices...."
Good job, kids....now, drop off your Maserati keys at the repo-man's door......
Oh, Barbara. How I love your biting wit and snarky sarcasm. This is why I pass your books along to all of my friends. Love it!
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