The 3 Steps to Becoming a Super Stepmom

Did you know that only about one-third of stepfamily marriages last? The statistic begs the question: What is the deciding factor between the families that make it and those that do not? I propose that if you have a Super Stepmom, your family will stay together.

A strong, focused stepmom can save the family. She is the secret weapon. Why do some stepmoms stick it out while others surrender? A Super Stepmom has three key attributes:

1. Resilience
2. A superpower: unconditional kindness
3. A magical uniform: the invisibility cloak

Resilience is staying power. It is the determination that says, "I will stay in this marriage! I will force those kids to like me! I will ignore that last remark!" There are four types of resilience: social, emotional, mental and physical resilience.

Stepmoms with social resilience have an ally -- someone who has their back. The power of spending time with a dear friend who makes you smile and allows you to be yourself gives you superpowers. The Super Stepmom is strong and reaches her goals because she communicates with her BFFs daily.

Strong emotional resilience strengthens your willpower. Can a stepmom ever have enough willpower? The Super Stepmom has a good sense of humor and has a positive view on life. Having one of "those" days? Think a positive thought!

Your mental resilience is tied to strengthening your mental muscles. You do this by tackling challenges. They can be tiny challenges, like, "I won't flip out when I see the kids' messy bedrooms!" or big ones like, "I will run a marathon." Either way, your focus and determination increases. The Super Stepmom screams, "I want this marriage and family to work more than anything in this world. I will commit my time and resources to this end." She knows that goals that command laser-like focus get done.

The Super Stepmom exercises. She doesn't need to fit perfectly in her leotard, but she does exercise in tiny bursts so that her heart, lungs and brain get a workout. When the Super Stepmom is at a family event and needs a break, she goes outside and does a few jumping jacks. She knows the power of her physical being.

Every hero has a superpower, and the Super Stepmom is known for her unconditional kindness. Unconditional kindness means we commit to kindness regardless of swords thrown at us. We are unfazed by nasty comments, rolling eyeballs or gossip. We are confident, and we can smile at anything. No matter what the children or society throw at us, we can repel any negativity with our smiling shields. The Super Stepmom understands that her family's divorce leaves lasting scars, which can make her a reluctant villain.

The final ingredient to superhero status is the cool outfit. The invisibility cloak is granted to every stepmom upon her marriage. She wears it at any event where she is introduced. As soon as you hear the introduction, "This is my stepmom," you will see the recipient's eyes divert away. Conversations will shift to other people, and the stepmom never sees those people's eyes again. Discomfort reigns. The invisibility cloak has come down. Rather than being upset by this, the Super Stepmom embraces her cloak and wears it proudly.

Stepmoms earn their wings by strengthening their resilience, exhibiting unconditional kindness and proudly wearing their invisibility cloak. When you see these qualities, you can be assured that this family is one that will last. They have a Super Stepmom.

For more information on being a Super Stepmom, follow me on Twitter @StepmomSpeaks or my site, TheEvilStepmotherSpeaks.com

 

Comments

[jjrudelson]

07:11 PM on 08/16/2012

One other thing needed: Unconditional Love. Being a successful step-parent is indeed the hardest job.
Finding a happy relationship in this day and age is hard enough, but falling in love in this instance means a loving commitment to more than one person. If you go in demanding you come first in this relationship, you are on the road to failure.
Tread softly and love gently. It will take time to earn the love and respect you will need to make this a successful family relationship, but it will be well worth it.
Jolyn Rudelson author of IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU: A Grandparent's Guide to Surviving Divorce in the Family

[jjrudelson]

06:47 PM on 08/16/2012

One of the hardest jobs is that of a step parent. If the Step in the relationship can accept that their new relationship will never exist of just a couple. Immediately the children of the new partner are on an equal footing. Their loving relationship has existed from birth and it is stronger in the beginning than with "that" new person in their midst. So tread slowly and softly. Love and respect take time to earn between a normal couple, It takes even more time when the couple is a preformed family.

If you think of the stepchildren in the mix

[gcmom]

05:39 AM on 08/01/2012

As a stepmother and a stepdaughter, the key is the relationship between the bio-parents. The stepmother could either be villianized or be an integral part of the family. Ironically, the stepmom's best bet is to support the relationship between the bio-parents.

[WomensDivorceAdvice]

08:37 AM on 07/25/2012

Being a stepmother or a second mom is not easy but being open about it and being ready to take some risk is all it takes to be a good one. It is really difficult to raise kids that are not your own but if you love your partner, this may only mean that you have to love what they have before you.

[Salem1]

01:38 AM on 07/19/2012

The ex-wife from the first marriage will wreak havoc with your marriage and hre ex will bear the brunt of her legal and financial aggression.

This is the legacy of decades of capitulation to feminist lobbyists by the family courts.
You reap what you sow.

[cut to the chase]

06:31 PM on 07/22/2012

Of course no one can replace a parent, but parents are the people who raise you. Step parents deserve the same respect and are not your "friend." When was the last time your friends changed your diaper, fed you, entertained you, cleaned up your vomit, consoled you when you were sick or scared etc... Steps shouldn't be treated as glorified babysitters either. I'm not getting a pay check for caring for a child not biologically my own. Steps do it because they love the child, and a child can never have too many people that love him or her. They shouldn't be called mom or dad, but they should be respected as such.

[WomensDivorceAdvice]

03:09 PM on 08/06/2012

I agree. If you want to be a great step mom, you need to respect boundaries and make the kids do the same for you. Be a good friend to them and dont be too hard on them. http://womensdivorcelawreview.com

[demom80]

07:52 PM on 07/18/2012

When biological parents are 100% in the picture than stepparents should be a support role and NOT have the expectation as they are "2nd mom". From the stepchilds point of view that is what makes us defensive, when you feel someone is trying to replace or make as if they are comparable to the real mother. I have only one mother and noone can come close no matter what title they try to shove down my throat. You can replace a spouse but you cannot replace nor should you try to replace a parent. If a man remarries that does not make his new wife responsible for his children. HE should remain responsible in every aspect and not shove all the duties on the new wife. All that happens in a situation like that is then the "stepmother" feels she is being a mother and not appreciated. And if that is not the way it is in your home and your husband does not lazy out of those responsibilites...meaning you do them because you want to ...then dont complain about it and write articles about how hard it is. Marrying someone with children does not make you a MOTHER or FATHER.

[HarleeGirl]

04:02 PM on 07/18/2012

Not all families are the same and acticles like this are ridiculous. I love all three of my kids although I only gave birth to one. It's been 9 years and I am as much family as anyone else. If you act like an outsider - you will be. I treat all three the same and love them all equally. If you create a home full of love and respect for one another you will have success. I am never invisible. I am there at school and activities cheering and supporting all three kids. Home is what you create. Relationships are work and if you put in all the work and love you will have positive results. Stepkids are no different than biological kids so do not treat them any differently than your own.

[Abrat]

03:37 PM on 07/18/2012

How about simply not being emotionally abusive to the point of causing PTSD?

[Apelika]

02:31 PM on 07/18/2012

I would havae said understanding, patience and love .

[average american 00]

01:16 PM on 07/18/2012

This is ridiculous. I am both a mom and step-mom, and I treat all of our children the same. I don't sit back and smile if the step kids talk back or are disrepectful just like I don't let my biological children do that. That is no way to teach a child to respect their elders and those caring for them. If you are actually doing your job as a parent, most likely your children will not "like" you-that isn't your job. It is your job as a parent to teach them to be productive, responsible and caring adults. And I feel sorry if you let someone else put an "invisibility cloak" on you. My step-kids' teachers, friends and firends' parents know me, talk to me and teachers let me know what is happening with them before they do both biological parents. That is because I love them as I love my own and am involved in their schooling what they are doing and who they are doing it with. Even though I get onto them when they are doing things they know they shouldn't or they haven't cleaned their rooms and am not always the "kindest" person in the world and I am definitely not your definition of "super step-mom", they still come to me and talk to me when they have questions, concerns and problems because they know I love them, would do anything for them and only want what is best for them.

[Apelika]

02:33 PM on 07/18/2012

You may, but all step parents don't. Sadly there are those that don't have the ability in them to understand that it may not be easy...it is not happily ever after in a lot of the cases. It is hard work to be a good step parent, hek to be a parent is hard work as well.

[HarleeGirl]

03:56 PM on 07/18/2012

I agree with you - ridiculous. My family has been happily blended for 9 years. I am involved with all three kids - I do not differentiate between my biological child or step. All three are my kids. If you create a warm and loving home you will have great things happen. I wish people would stop putting out these articles as if they know something about every home. Home is what you create. All relationships deserve love and attention and if you do that it doesn't matter whether you gave birth to someone or not. All three of my kids love me and know they can depend on me for anything.

[discounts2249]

11:00 AM on 07/18/2012

If you sign up for the job, be prepared. No matter how much you love the guy, his children may make you second guess your decision to marry. It is worse with girls and step moms than boys and step moms (my personal experience) but neither is easy for sure. If you can make it until they turn 25, things get much better. Just be sure you realize the weight of the baggage before you agree to take it on.

[FLbeachbum]

11:55 AM on 07/18/2012

So true. I am a stepmom and love my stepson a lot. He looks at me like a second mom and not just the typical stepmom. Over the years my stepson has grown into a teen and I now consider him a "son" to me because I have grown-up with him for the last 11 years. Though he is not blood, he is still my son.

[beverleybak]

01:18 PM on 07/18/2012

i had a stepson and stepdaughter, i agree with the comment about it being easier with boys than girls. they are grown now but i have always felt closer to my stepson, he was much more accepting of me and always treated me with respect and acceptance, i was the same stepmom to my stepdaughter but that was a different story. much harder, i do blame the birthmom for most of the issues, she didn't want them but didn't want them to have a normal relationship with anyone else. i'm glad they are adults now but there is still a difference in my relationship with them.

[WomensDivorceAdvice]

01:11 PM on 08/21/2012

I am happy that there are lots of stepmom who treats stepson as their own. There are just some insecure people who makes kids life miserable and think that it is the way to have their respect and love.

[sendy2]

10:59 AM on 07/18/2012

It all sounds great unless you have ungreatful step-children that don;t care how much time, love and "invisibleness" you gave to them. Or...how much you really loved them...and then you continue to discover over the years that they never really "loved" you in return, never really appeciated any of the sacrifices you made and never gave you any credit for any of those things and, most importantly...still don't. It's the years and years after, when they're grown with their own families (when you would think that they would actually realize those sacrifices) it becomes untterly apparent - they don;t ....and after many years to think about it (and be reminded of the way they really (don't) feel) you finally get hardened and just give up. When you finally realize they have never and will never think about you as a real part of the family that you step back and just step out so you aren't so susceptible to being hurt any longer. I hope this doesn't happen in every case but I suspect that this is more the case than not where a stepmother has gone the extra "thousands" of miles....to only be let down at every turn and at the end of the journey. For me, it really didn;t pay off to be everything BUT the wicked stepmother....

[TigergirlM]

01:42 PM on 07/18/2012

OH MY GOD...I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Now, to top things off, my husband and I are raising one of my (ungrateful) stepdaughter's son. I used to be such a happy-go-lucky, creative, and loving person and those stepdaughters (and their mother) killed that. I have to fight through my internal issues every day just to give my grandson the good, stable home he deserves.

[Apelika]

02:36 PM on 07/18/2012

With that selfish attitude that you have voiced I don't wonder that your step child is ungrateful. Ever stop to think that childs life was totally screwedup by the birth parents? Please let go of your hate and resentment of you may just end up a lonely old woman.

[sandmn7442]

10:49 AM on 07/18/2012

There are certainly some ideas here to think about, but there's no secret formula here. There are no RULES in relationships, flexibility is key to, 1. having a bag of tricks, 2. knowing when and where to try the tricks. The mistake that I see in "steps-" is the thought that they can move in and replace the like-sex parent. NO STEPMOM can replace mom, not unless the kid wants/needs it. Instead of aiming for being any type of mom, focus on being a friend. NO TEEN wants a new authority in their life, NO TEEN volunteers for subjugation. But kids love to talk, IF they trust, trust that they will NOT be dominated, but heard and respected (Not necessarily agreed with but legitimate).

[Apelika]

02:38 PM on 07/18/2012

Well said. Trust is also earned and not to be expected as well. A step is sometimes if not most times an intruder into the family. I do think that there should be rules and that no one should expect over night success.

[sandmn7442]

03:27 PM on 07/18/2012

You're right, trust is earned, but often backwards from what people think. You earn MY trust, not necessarily by anything YOU do, it's up to me. When I see that I can put me out there and you don't reject me for it, I get confidence. When I get enough confidence, I open up more and begin to trust. One HUGE key to dealing with all people, ESPECIALLY kids, is this-- we all want to make a difference. What that means is, I want YOU to be different because you know me. The Step power is telling the kids, "It makes me feel good when you ..." or, "You are really good at ..." or, "I noticed that you ... and I think that's soo neat!" When they feel welcome just to be themselves, they are willing to take risks. If they think they have to be approved of, they go underground. It's the same in marriage, I want you to be richer because you took me into your life because of your appreciation for my uniiqueness."

[Bethanese]

10:34 AM on 07/18/2012

Bull. Stepmothers are human, just like everyone else. We have feelings. We get mad. Why are you holding us to a higher standard just because our husbands have children from previous relationships? If you go by these rules, you would either be holding your own children to a higher standard or smiling through THEIR lack of respect also. Try doing either of those; let me know how it works out. How can you REALLY be a good Stepmom? Lead by example and communicate clearly with your children, your stepchildren, and especially your husband. Make sure the rules and consequences are clear. If you are in our home, you follow our rules. If you break our rules, there are consequences. Period. For ALL children who happen to be under our roof. And if you can't handle simple rules, the main one being "you get what you give," then you can choose not to visit. Disrespect should not be tolerated regardless of your being a step- or bio-mom (or any adult), and you must work as a team to ensure this.

[Chump Lady]

09:48 AM on 07/18/2012

Yeah, because being a stepmom isn't hard enough... you have to be a Super Hero. WTF?!

[FLbeachbum]

11:59 AM on 07/18/2012

You don't have to be the hero in all cases, just being there is good enough. Not all step-parents are going to get a long with step-children, but if you marry the person who has kids, you have to take the good with the bad. No matter how much step-children push your buttons, the key is to be patient and they will come around and if they don't, then you have to deal with it the best you can.