Let Grandparents Have Their Say On Grandparents Day
Here's the story: Thirty years ago Marian McQuade, an upstanding West Virginia housewife -- mother of 15, grandmother of 40! -- helped convince President Jimmy Carter to sign a proclamation declaring every second Sunday in September National Grandparents Day.
Nice idea, but have you ever heard of this holiday?
More to the point, have either your adult children or your grandchildren ever taken notice and celebrated you on your special day?
Mine haven't. None of my grandparent-friends has been properly feted either. And, according to a recent grandparents.com poll, the holiday goes unobserved by 66 percent of U.S. grandparents -- and their apparently ungrateful children.
A Modest Proposal
So, since this so-called "holiday" still hasn't caught on nationwide, I propose an amendment to its name and mission that I plan to introduce to President Obama straightaway. (I don't see how he can refuse to sign it; after all, if it weren't for Marian Robinson, Michelle Obama's mother, do you think the President and the First Lady would be able to go out on so many nice dates?) Instead of the wussy-sounding Grandparents Day, I propose we get real and change the holiday's name to Let Grandparents Have Their Say Day.
This would be the one day of the year when grandparents can say what they really think, without fear of reprisal from the parents of their grandchildren -- i.e., their sons and daughters and their often-testy partners.
Of course, it must be said that we adore our kids and for the most part believe they're doing a fabulous job of raising our grandchildren. But let's face it: Today's grandparents may have been rabble-rousers in the 1960s, speaking truth to power, but when it comes to speaking our minds to our adult children, we've morphed into the Silent Generation. Me included, despite the fact that all my life I've been told I have a "smart mouth."
One grandparent who wrote to grandparents.com put it bluntly: "I keep my mouth shut so I don't lose access to my grandkids." In Eye of My Heart, the collection of essays on grandmotherhood that I edited, Anne Roiphe writes, "I don't want to risk hurting my children, who hear my voice in a special way. A friend or neighbor can say almost anything without raising hackles. I can say almost nothing without causing pain."
Roiphe has a good point -- even grown-up children are extremely vulnerable to parental criticism. Every time my 94-year-old mother glances sideways at my hair, I cringe. She doesn't have to open her mouth.
Can We Talk?
Still, if the urge to have our say is universal, so is the tendency to bite our tongues. In another grandparents.com poll, 58 percent of grandparents said they keep mum on the subject of how their grandchildren are being raised. Seventeen percent said that they can be upfront only with their own children. But 25 percent said that they could say anything to the kids' parents.
Who are these people?
I don't know any grandparents who would be brave (or dumb) enough to let it rip. (One caveat: In situations where grandchildren are being abused, neglected or otherwise harmed, grandparents must speak up.) As far as I can tell, most of us pussyfoot around, terrified that if we make one tiny misstep or say even one-tenth of what we think, our adult children will retaliate and ban us from ever seeing our grandchildren again in this, our current, lifetime.
Thus, the urgent need for my amendment. There simply has to be one day a year when we can speak our minds without consequences. If this sounds self-indulgent, so be it. (Clearly, I'm nowhere near as altruistic and upstanding as Marian McQuade -- she of the 40 grandchildren.)
The Top 20 Things Grandparents Would Say if They Could
What would you tell the kids' parents if you had one day to speak without repercussions? Imagine you had one day (maybe Grandparents Day) to say whatever you wanted to your grandkids' parents. It might sound something like this compilation of comments made by friends of mine and visitors to Grandparents.com. The really scary part is that many of these sentiments could have been expressed 50 -- or possibly 500 -- years ago:
On Family:
Hello! Her (or his) parents aren't the only grandparents in this family.
I'd like to tell the father (or mother/stepmother/stepfather) of my grandkids to get a job.
Yoo-hoo! I know you're busy, but please keep me in the loop.
Let me see the kids more often. No matter how great a parent you are, you can't take the place of a grandparent.
I love you -- so let's not talk about politics or religion.
On Parenting:
Be their parent, not just their friend.
Do you really think she needs to play soccer, study violin, volunteer in a homeless shelter and enroll in a pre-pre-PSAT course before she starts kindergarten?
News flash: You don't have to buy every video game, electronic gizmo, and wildly expensive toy they ask for. (P.S. Books are a lot cheaper.)
I agree that we don't want to raise our daughters to be anorexic, but offering a chubby 10-year-old a third helping of pasta isn't a good idea.
I respect your parenting style, but believe it or not I know a few things too -- and they're not all covered on the internet.
Stop using the TV as a baysitter, get your nose out of your laptop and BlackBerry, and play with your child!
Skype? Webcams? Videos? Can't I just see the kids in person once in a while?
Please, never use the kids as weapons against the grandparents or each other.
Just in case you're wondering, discipline is not a dirty word.
Why are you asking him? He can't even talk yet!
On Childhood:
Stop fighting in front of your kids. They're starting to mimic your behavior.
Children are not short adults. Be more patient. Explain, don't scold.
Stop making your children grow up before their time. They'll have plenty of opportunity to dress like hookers later on.
What We Know:
Enjoy your kids while you can, because before you blink they're grown up and gone.
There is simply no substitute for a bond with a grandparent. As Margaret Mead wrote, "The closest friends I have made all through life have been people who grew up close to a loved and loving grandmother or grandfather."
And just in case you're wondering what I would say if I could, well ... I'll get back to you just as soon as the president signs my new Let Grandparents Have Their Say Day proclamation.
Jason Mannino: Lessons in Loving While My Father Was Dying
Fifteen years ago at my grandmother's funeral was the last time I saw my dad. Two weeks ago I was standing in front of him face to face. It wasn't the visit I had hoped for. He had departed his body 3 days earlier, and I was in attendance at his funeral.
Robert David Jaffee: 100 Is the New 70
On Sept. 21, my grandmother, Gertrude, will turn 101. Last year, she became the third member of her family to reach 100, following her late sisters, Bertha and Ann.
Darryle Pollack: Laughing All the Way to the Grave
Death deserves discussion as 77 million baby boomers--known for ushering in the Age of Aquarius--approach the Age of Medicare.
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If you love your parents and grand parents just show by caring for them; be patient with them; listen to them more; spend more time with them; take them out for treats & excursion; ask them where they want to go; enjoy shopping with them; spend time with them; eat but don't complain about their cooking let them know how you enjoy the food. Don't dump them into an old folks home.
Lighten up, friends. There's some tongue in Graham's cheek.
I like Margaret Mead's quote. As I think about my friends, I realize that the two who survived hideous parenting to become admirable adults both had close relationships with loving grandmothers. Interesting thought.
I also agree with Ann Roiphe. I remember how my mother, who never breastfed, wondered if my firstborn was getting enough milk. It seemed obvious she didn't think I was capable of caring for this very important first grandchild. I worried about the exact same thing, of course, but I didn't want to tell her... or even myself. So Mom's delicate words cut like a knife. Said firstborn is a stellar, well-launched thirty-three year old, beautiful, successful, and NICE, and Mom has compliment my ex and me on our great job of parenting. So.
Grandparenting can be a mine field, but it's a topic not often discussed except in Hallmarkian tones. I've read Graham's book, and I think it's a great start toward a subject we might want to look at more closely.
As a grandparent, I am not so sure that September is the best month.
The kids have just gone to school after all, and need to focus on that.
Hmmm... when would I want my two wonderful fine grandsons to celebrate me! The LOLO!
( that is piliipino, or from the Philippines ... Lolo from Abuelo in Spanish which held our nation for five hundred years)
Ok ,Here I am, the Lolo on grandparents day...hmmm, well I think a time when they would need me would be in April.
Around spring break, Easter holiday. That would be a good time.
It was the time I spent with my grandmother and aunt; I loved it.
Yes, that would be a good time for grandparents day.
Its not even on my calendar (it never is) so I resent the "ungrateful" implication.
Ametitsa...you must not have the official Hallmark calendar...neither do I...sorry, more cards, more paper wasted...if you love you grandparent(s)...show them daily..As for me..I've none..all dead...and do NOT get me started on their behavior; 250 words..not enough to vent.
but again..to those with wonderful grandfolks...love them and show them the love...Now...time for a day for ...drum roll "divorced, childless, lower middle class, hanging on by a thread, recent cancer patient women (or men...all are welcome)
Alright, the line I object to is "apparently ungrateful kids". I love my grandparents a whole lot, to such an incredible amount. The reason I never observed this holiday is I had never HEARD of it. i doubt most people have. I'm gonna send my grandma a message right now, i really doubt anybody's ungrateful.
I have a granddaughter that I adore....I do all I can to help my son's family out ....I pick her up after daycare, take her to dancing , take her to the doctor , watch SpongeBob and play pretend til the cows come home....She is almost four and I want her to stay little forever....it is like you said ...they grow up so quick...I don't need a special day because she makes every day special....and I too was told and still have a smart mouth...you just go to know how to work it !
The way I look at it as a grandparent of an 11 year old boy is that my daughter can mess him up as much as I messed her up. But so far, she hasn't. You see, she and I both learned from my parenting. She is a much superior parent and for that I am only thankful and proud of her.
On grandparents day do we get to tell you exactly what we think of you also??? I've been keeping my mouth shut about it for years, also. Although I'm not sure I agree with your suggestion, I appreciate your essays because they help me have more empathy for my kids' challenging, demanding grandparents.
We at Daily Grommet.com LOVE Grandparents.com as an insightful, very helpful resource and meeting place for Grandparents. There aren't many places online for that segment, so check it out.
There's a reason the parents don't tolerate much from the grandparents--the grandparents weren't all that and a bag of chips as parents.
If your kids aren't discussing parenting with you, it's simply because they don't expect any useful input from you. If you don't like what they're doing, that's OK, because they obviously didn't find what you did to be worth imitating.
Right, except they like themselves and love each other, total denial about themselves.
You know why grandparents and grandchildren have such a great bond? They share a common enemy!
Seriously I have the unmitigated joy of helping to care for 2 fantastic young minds and yet not have to get up ( only at sleepovers) in the middle of the night, potty train them or do some of the really hard parts of parenting!
It takes a lot of work and good communication to be a part of your grandkid's lives but the results are worth every second.
Even GG at 86 plays an important role and we are all the richer for it!
The grandparent issue seems unique to Western cultures, particularly ours. In Asia, elders are revered and have an active role in society in advising others, as neighborhood watchdogs and child-rearing. This country could learn a lot from this practice. For example, instead of shipping elders off as soon as possible or encouraging them to live on their own or in adult communities, considerable savings could be realized if we lived together AS A FAMILY. Not only would our children be supervised by somebody we know and trust, we would not have to pay billions annually for child care or mortgages/fees/homes for our grandparents living arrangements.
The fundamental questions are: 1) why don't Americans get along with their children's grandparents?; and 2) why are we so predisposed to get rid of them at all costs? Is it because we have become a nation of thin-skinned and narcissistic know-it-alls?
Maybe due to religion which give thanks to God over parents.
I have a couple who told me a true story they had with their son. One day their grown up son told them that he wish to become a Christian. His parents who were not Christians told him it is not a problem with them but promise them one thing when he do become a Christian. Do not give thanks to God in front of their parents before eating as his father had struggled to feed him and his siblings for the past 18 years.
Somehow he never became one, got married and together all his siblings visit their parents every weekends, sometimes they go for outings together.
Great post, and I couldn't agree more with the idea that there is no substitute for a bond with a Grandparent.
I have three Grandchildren that I do not see as much as I would like. Their parents have diametrically opposed religious and political beliefs from mine (hint, I voted for Obama) and are not open to my input because of this.
I have painfully and reluctantly accepted the way it is now, understanding that the children, who love me and are old enough to understand more than their parents think they can, will seek me out down the road. I have made it clear to them that my door will always be open, no matter what.
As long as they're not living in your house, and asking you to fund it - its none of your business. If they want the kids to study transendental meditation 2 hours a day, and they're not asking grandpa to pay for it, be quiet. If they want to feed their kids 5 servings a night of pasta, if its not at your house, and you're not paying for the pasta, be quiet. These are your children's kids, not yours. If you think the kids should be learning about art, give them artbooks for Christmas. If you think the kids should be in swim classes instead of spending the summer on the computer, offer to pay for it, pick the kids up and take them to the lessons, bring them home, and since you're there already, OFFER to make dinner, IF THE PARENTS APPROVE. OTHERWISE, BE QUIET. Here's a clue: You have far less influence on your grandchildren than you think. If your children don't believe in religion, your taking the kids to church at Christmas and Easter won't make a difference, etc.
AMEN!
Recently, my child's only grandparent dropped HER child (my husband) off at the emergency room with a head injury and then met a friend at a bar to wait for her child to be discharged. (I was ill) Although this occurred recently and HER child is an adult, I don't want her influence around my child. When she calls, our child tells us, "Dad's mom is on the phone." I had the greatest Gram in the world and my child is getting so ripped off!
My husband and I look forward to being great grandparents- and we won't need a special day in September- or any other time.
I agree. Even one day of "say what ever you want" would lead to war in most families.
I thought Grandparents Day was contrived by Hallmark to have an excuse to sell cards in September.
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