Life After 50: Are You Stuck? Lose the Clutter and Find Your Life

Welcome to the ongoing dialogue about living our best lives after 50. Please join me and other Huffington Post readers in discussing the issues that are important to us.

Happy New Year! If you're like most of us, by now you've written your New Year's resolutions, which could include anything from losing weight to changing jobs, finding a mate, saving more, spending less or finding a few extra minutes every day for yourself.

Before you even think about embarking on any of them, consider this fundamental truth: you can't move forward if you're stuck where you are.

By the time we hit 50, most of us have developed some kind of management system for our lives. We had to. How else could we balance school, work, play dates, doctor appointments, walking the dog, making dinner, shopping for groceries, washing laundry, paying bills and working out and still find time for family and friends? If we didn't have some kind of organizational skills, nothing would ever get done.

As organized as I was, though, when I turned 50 I was overwhelmed by the stuff that had accumulated over the years, and I realized that it wasn't just physical clutter but mental clutter, as well. I looked around at everything and started to feel paralyzed, and stuck. The more clutter there was, the more stuck I felt, and it was stopping me from moving forward.

That's when I heard Julie Morgenstern on the radio. Julie is a New York Times bestselling author, an internationally known organization consultant and time-management expert, and a frequent guest on The Oprah Show.

On the radio that day, Julie was talking about life transitions, feeling stuck, managing change, and decluttering your life to make room for your future. She said that you shouldn't even try organizing anything until you have gone through a process called "shedding." Organizing is great and useful, she said, but to assume you can just tidy up what you have without thinking about why you have it and what you really want is setting yourself up for failure. It just won't work.

I met with Julie to learn how to shed my stuff and to interview her for my book, "The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts' Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More." Her advice was, for me, life-changing. Here's some of what Julie taught me, which I would like to share with you, to help you get your New Year off to a fantastic start.

Forget the Sock Drawer -- Do You Want to Transform Your Life?

We've spent decades being organized: managing our households, families, and lives. What we need to do now is much bigger. Julie described it in terms of our life cycle: Starting in our twenties, we go through a period of acquisition: property, people, experiences, marriage, children and other relationships. As we age, we organize and integrate everything we acquire. By the time we reach 50, we need to step back and evaluate our acquisitions, and to focus on where we are now, and where we want to go. It's very easy to lose yourself, especially at this age when there are so many potential changes looming: kids growing up and moving out, parents aging and possibly moving in, changes in jobs, retiring, downsizing. We can confront these life events, seize the moment of transition, and push ourselves out of the clutter, or we can get stuck in the mire.

How Can We Get Ready for the Rest of Our Lives?

Julie gave me a straightforward process to objectively evaluate where we are in our lives, and decide where we want to be next. There are several steps:

1) Acknowledge that change is happening. Our fifties can be rife with events that can affect how well we prepare of the rest of our lives. Understanding and managing these events can make the difference between having rewarding and meaningful lives as we move forward, or not. Some of the more common life-altering experiences that can happen after 50 include:

• Your "I'm really 50?" moment: When Julie entered her fifties, she had a profound and cathartic experience. She realized that she was past the mid-point, and her life wasn't going to go on forever. The experience was deep and powerful and brought out many different feelings. Julie decided that this was also the time in her life to explore the new and potentially wonderful opportunities that were ahead.
• Your children are leaving home: If your life has been organized around your family, you might feel lost when your children become independent and less in need of your involvement, and then even more so when they eventually move out of your home. This can be a hard transition for many people over 50, especially women. Some welcome this new phase of life, but others seek to fill the void, often with more stuff.
• You've focused on your work, and now you're going through a change, whether you want to or not: Perhaps you've been laid off due to downsizing. Or maybe you're changing jobs, going back to work, or doing something completely different. Perhaps you're happily planning your retirement but are aware that your life will change significantly once you do. Anytime you change roles, your identity can feel threatened, which can disrupt your view of yourself.
• Your marriage is ending, or you're starting a new one: If you've been married for many years, or even a few, a shift in this area of your life has profound implications. Even if it is something you wanted, it still can create big changes in your life and sense of self, as does starting a new life with a new person.
• Your spouse or another family member becomes ill or disabled, or passes on: Illness and death are natural occurrences in life, especially as we get older, but we are never fully prepared. If a spouse dies, your life is irrevocably changed on many levels, and this kind of change can stop you from creating your new life. Caring for an ill spouse or parent can also affect your ability to open up the next chapter in your life.

2) Create a personal theme that defines what your life will be. A personal theme is a guide that states what you are reaching for and moving toward. It lets you focus on the bigger picture. Ask yourself what you want your life to look like over the next few years, and you'll come up with a vision for your future, which will be your personal theme. Once you have your theme, you can work on getting rid of everything in your life that doesn't fit the theme, and you will be prepared to let go of the clutter. After meeting with Julie, my personal theme became to "simplify my life" because I was feeling overwhelmed. I wanted to simplify every aspect of my life: hair, health, makeup, home, food, finances, work, everything. That theme continues to drive me forward in everything I do and is a big part of the reason why I wrote my book. Adopting this theme made it much easier for me to get rid of things that no longer fit in my life.

3) Identify the different kinds of clutter that exist in your life. Clutter can take many different forms, but all of it can make you feel weighed down and stuck. Clutter is anything that is obsolete, time-consuming and de-energizing. If you can call it clutter, then chances are good that it doesn't belong in your life anymore. The four main types of clutter are:

• Objects: It could be the boxes that you haven't opened since you moved five years ago, the jewelry you no longer wear, the old business cards in your handbag, or the stacks of magazines and books that you will never look at again. If seeing them brings you down, most likely it should go.
• Obligations: Obsolete roles and responsibilities can be the hardest to get rid of because they often involve other people -- like boards, committees and clubs. You need to be sensitive to others when shedding, but you can't let other people's needs dictate your decision.
• Habits: If you are a perfectionist, a chronic procrastinator or a workaholic, you are doing yourself a great disservice. These habits waste time and energy and are stressful and draining. People who have these habits often waste additional time by beating themselves up about having them. Once we're over 50, we don't need to be perfectionists or workaholics anymore. We've proven ourselves. We no longer need to be defined by what we do. Instead, try to focus more on who we are as people. It's enough to be engaging, interesting and involved.
• People: People can be just as de-energizing and draining as piles of newspapers and magazines. If there's someone in your life who drags you down whenever you see her, whines and complains about life, only talks about herself and never asks how you are doing, maybe it's time to reconsider the relationship. It's not easy to completely remove people from your life, so perhaps you can think about redefining the relationship. You want to be kind, but you must also be honest with yourself about which relationships nourish you, and which deplete you. If releasing someone completely isn't an option, then figure out ways to limit the amount of time you spend together.

4) Get ready to shed your stuff. Once you've gone through those steps, you will have a clear idea of where you are, where you want to be, and what is holding you back. Then you will be ready to shed your stuff. The process of shedding, as Julie calls it, has a few steps, which provides a framework for managing change and helps us get rid of clutter that makes us feel stuck.

• Find the treasures and keep them. A treasure is a useful object, activity, skill, habit or person that fits in with your personal theme. You may hold on to only about 20 percent of what you have when you go through the process, and that's why they are called treasures.
• Give the stuff you don't want the old heave-ho. Once you've gone through the process of choosing what stays, you have to get rid of the rest. Say goodbye and let it go. Decide what you will give away, sell, recycle or donate, then get it out of your space. Don't let bags of stuff sit in the hallway or closet. If stuff is physically around, then you haven't been successful in getting rid of it.
• Move forward. You've created a theme, you've gotten rid of those things that no longer fit in your life, kept those that do, and you're ready to move forward. You can now use your space, time and energy for people, activities, objects, and experiences that will move you closer to your vision and your personal theme.

This Is a Continual Process and a Way of Life

When you organize a space -- your hall closet, for example -- there's a starting point and an ending point. When you go through a shedding process, there is often no obvious ending point. How do you know when the transition is complete? If you no longer feel stuck, you can safely say that you've done it. Don't be afraid of setbacks. When you're in your fifties, it's very tempting to shrink back into your familiar clutter. So many things can happen all at once -- aging parents, illness, divorce, job setbacks or changes, new opportunities -- it's easy to get overwhelmed all over again. Focus on how far you've come, and always keep your eye on your theme. If you find yourself slipping back into some of your old habits, or if piles of clutter start building up, just do it all over again.

What Do You Do with All the Stuff You've Decluttered out of Your Life?

Something that is stagnant in your life might be a treasure for someone else. Almost anything can be sold on eBay, or you can have a garage sale. Perhaps you'll consider donating your clothes, books, furniture and other household goods to charities such as the Salvation Army or Goodwill Industries. (Check out "The Best of Everything After 50" for more ideas on getting rid of your clutter in a positive way.)

So, about those New Year's Resolutions...

Once you have a clear picture of what your future will be and you systematically get rid of the clutter that's keeping you from getting there, you'll be ready for just about anything.

Lose the clutter, find your life.

***

Staying connected is a powerful tool! Friend me on on Facebook, and tweet me on Twitter (BGrufferman). For more ideas on living your best life after 50, go to www.bestofeverythingafter50.com.

Please tune into the Real Women On Health blog talk radio show on Wednesday, Jan. 5 at 12:30 p.m. EST, where I'll be talking about achieving your health and fitness goals in 2011. For more information, click here.

 

 

 

Follow Barbara Hannah Grufferman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BGrufferman

Comments

[AmyeToTheRescue]

04:05 PM on 02/24/2011

So inspiring. I am very grateful to have found your post!

[FIForganizing]

07:34 PM on 01/10/2011

What a great article! As a professional organizer I see clients time and time again being held hostage by clutter in their homes, especially things from their grown kids and ex-spouses. I gently remind them they are not storage units, and they have every right to toss their exes' things in the trash. Regarding their grown kids' momentos, I advise them to pack them up and have their kids look at them when they visit and then toss what they don't want.

Nasonex and Afrin (and I love both products btw) have nothing on the easy breathing affects of decluttering.

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

04:58 PM on 01/11/2011

This is high praise coming from a professional! Thank you! For those over 50 the issue of storing childrens' "stuff" is an issue. I'm 54, and I admit to having stored some things at my own mother's house! But, I quickly took care of that when I went through the de-cluttering process.
Thanks for commenting,

Barbara

[ColumbiaPatricia]

02:39 PM on 01/06/2011

I have been working for a year to get rid of clutter in my 966 foot square home that I have lived in for over 25 years. I'm getting there ! Items with emotional memories were the hardest to part with and I ended up keeping some and giving the rest away.

I like to collect so I have kept only the best loved and gave the rest away. It helps that there is so many people in need right now so donate dishes, clothes and other household items - others can use these items and that makes it all OK

I disagree with the notion that you have to finish one project before the next, I can't be creative and work that way. Now having 100 projects not finished is bad, 15 - not so much. I will always like stuff, I just don't need as much.

[brooklyncitizen]

01:15 AM on 01/06/2011

Unless you are a hoarder clutter /stuff is easy to eliminate. The tough part is the emotional and mental clutter; it's our internal mess that is hardest to handle.

[T Pol]

04:13 AM on 01/05/2011

I like the fact that this article sees clutter as more than just "stuff." If you have "obligations" to do some kind of charity work you've done for 30 years but no longer find enjoyable, that's clutter. Close up commitments and don't accept new ones so that your time can be invested where you feel it's worthwhile, whether reading for personal pleasure or devoting yourself to a new charity. If obsessing over your children's problems that are not yours to solve or even capable of being solved by you, let the worries go. Has an old friendship become more work than it's worth? Maybe it's time to let it go, unless one of your priorities in life is loyalty, period, not negotiable. We so often think we are being "bad" by doing so, but perhaps our carrying the weight of the friendship isn't doing the friend any good -- maybe what they need is the "tough love" of being cut loose to go explore what is better for them, too. Or maybe you don't want to "desert" this person -- fine, admirable, but perhaps you can lay down some new ground rules for the relationship so that the friend benefits, but you aren't sucked dry.

Bad habits were a good thing to note. Some bad habits are clutter unto themselve, but also contribute to other types of clutter. One bad "habit" I cut years ago was subscriptions. I have so much less to recycle now.

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

04:56 PM on 01/11/2011

Thanks for this comment! It isn't easy (as I discovered) to let things go . . . especially if they are habits and other non-physical things that you can't packag up in a recycling bag! What I've discovered by gong through this shedding process is that life is so much better, when you simplify.

[justforyou]

09:30 AM on 01/04/2011

Hi Barbara! Thanks for a great post. These are all great reminders. I had noticed that I was having creative blocks and that my art room/studio was a total mess. Once I got another storage container and went through stuff to throw away I found my creativity returning. No big surprise there but I hadn't realized that a storage cart and a tidy up were what was needed.

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

09:46 AM on 01/04/2011

Taking a few simple steps, like getting storage containers to keep the art supplies you want, and discarding the rest, is a powerful, but highly effective, way to get un-stuck, and let the creative juices flow! All the best in the New Year!

[slpub]

07:45 PM on 01/03/2011

Having closely observed clutter for over twenty years, I have come to the conclusion that decluttering alone only treats the symptoms resulting from faulty habits and behaviors, the biggest of which is not completing one project before starting a new another. Clutter can also result from trying to multi-task beyond your ability to do so, which can be more inefficiency than performing one task at a time. These many unfinished projects left in your wake become 'seeds' that combine and grow into a full blow clutter problem. I address these and other causes of common household clutter in my handy little guide "The Seeds of Clutter" by Art Dragon. For more info and a free sample chapter, visit www.SeaLevelPublishing.com.

[PatA]

11:02 PM on 01/03/2011

I just love it when a poster advertises themselves. Makes me glad I got up this morning.

[susantolles]

05:06 PM on 01/03/2011

Thanks, Barbara, for sharing such excellent advice! I've spent the day trying to de-clutter my office for starters. Next challenge--to simplify!

[JulieMorgenstrn]

11:53 PM on 01/03/2011

Hi Susan- Barbara was so kind to post this article. Please keep us posted on your progress-(and feel free to upload before and/or after pix! ) Keep up the good work--the freedom and energy you feel when you complete the job is quite extraordinary!

[Cassie Jo]

04:49 PM on 01/03/2011

Thank you so much for this article and the references, including your own book. Julie Morgenstern must have been vaguely familiar to me -- when I clicked on your link to her website, I discovered that her book "SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life" has been in the shopping cart of my Audible account for months. I'm not a New Year's Resolution type of person, but I've been feeling restless and out of sorts for months, like I need to purge the clutter from my life (physical and mental) before I could move on. But I was in desperate need of some guidance in order to do this. I think this is a great plan for anyone in a rut or at a crossroads in their lives.

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

07:19 PM on 01/03/2011

Dear Cassie Jo,
I can't say enough about Julie's book "SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life" . . . it is phenomenal, as is Julie. So much of what is truly effective in life, is . . . simple. This is a simple approach (but not easy, necessarily).
Thanks for commenting! Happy New Year . . . and please keep in touch,
Barbara

[Gerit Quealy]

03:57 PM on 01/03/2011

Obvioulsy I agree ; )
http://www.stylegoesstrong.com/new-year-s-resolution-ramp/revamp-your-closet

[RhiannonRings]

11:23 AM on 01/03/2011

I'm glad I don't have to deal with this. I live in a one bedroom apt., I do Spring cleaning every year and haul clothes off to the thrift store. My parents are deceased, I didn't have children, so it's just me, my boyfriend, and our dog. No 401K, just enough to live on comfortably. Nice and simple! Oh, and I see a therapist to help with the emotional twists and turns :)

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

10:54 AM on 01/03/2011

Very appropriate post to start the year right Barbara Hannah, and a wonderfully abundant new year to you and yours.

Your entire post describes my 2010 process and the end result, 12 minutes before the start of the new year was my personal life mantra courtesy of Chloé Taylor Brown, Life Enhancement Coach which was nowhere in my plans that night but that's where my meditation led me. It was so empowering it made me breathless!

From my experience, clutter of the human kind - energy suckers - is the largest obstacle to be removed because they encourage and sustain so much emotional baggage, on top of our own.

They MUST be ditched no matter the emotional cost which might seem "expensive" at the time.
However it repays itself almost immediately in tangible benefits - relief, more energy, less angst, no tension, better sleeping pattern - and the list goes on and on and on. And that includes family members and sacred cows.

If you want uncluttered lives ladies, dare to bare it all. Be clear, kind, firm, no holes barred truthful with irrevocable boundaries. People who hear "I don't want you in my life anymore" in this way know finality when they hear it.

That is the epitome of self-love and self-respect.

Looking forward to fruitful interactions with you all.

Cheers
Catherine

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

12:46 PM on 01/03/2011

Dear Cathrine,
As always, I loved your comment. Thank you for encouraging all of us.
All the best to you in the new year . . .
Barbara

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

02:48 PM on 01/03/2011

Dear Barbara, thanks a lot.

And one thing I neglected to add of which I'm sure we are all aware, I did not way it was easy. In fact, it is very painful but staying on course and on subject despite all attempts at derailment and emotional sabotage, and working through the pain without ceasing is worth it. A brand new dawn awaits on the other side ladies.

Cheers
Catherine

[cornelison]

02:54 AM on 01/03/2011

A "continual process" mentality is indeed what's needed when clearing the physical & mental debris in one's life. For those who are retired, there is an added bonus - it keeps your brain active. Anything different from your usual routine stimulates your brain.

Give yourself permission to take your task slowly if you are not physically up to the challenge. Look at what you've accomplished & pat yourself on the back.

If you live in a small space, save the smallest mementos & tuck them away.

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

12:54 PM on 01/03/2011

Dear Cornelison,
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. For sure, there is no need to rush through this process, especially if you're going to be dealing with physical objects. But, do it, we must. Going through this process has been one of the most liberating things I have ever done. I have been able to simplify my life in ways I never thought possible. This has resulted in less stress, more time and energy. I encourage everyone to give it a try.
All the best in the new year . . .
Barbara

[cornelison]

05:08 PM on 01/03/2011

F & F, BHG.

[JulieMorgenstrn]

11:57 PM on 01/03/2011

Dear Cornelison- I echo Barbara's insights. Take the task slowly--and break the project down into small, manageable steps. And YES, celebrate your successes. SO IMPORTANT. I started one client whose whole house needed to be decluttered , by first working on the freezer--which was packed with old items she never, ever cooked. Took us under 2 hours, and was a great way for her tos start.
Best,
Julie

[KateBazilevsky]

02:44 AM on 01/03/2011

Actually, according to the Catalog of human population the most compatible people or soulmates are those who have their birthday on the exact same date. People with birthday on the same date are completely the same!

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

11:08 AM on 01/03/2011

I don't buy that at all because different cultural mores, family habits and upbringing, education and experiences dictate that everyone is unique. However, like does attract like and THAT is a fact.

Opposites do NOT attract however despite that nonsensical saying out there.

Example: my sister born was in October and her husband in March are poles apart in upbringing, education etc. yet their mentality/character couldn't be more similar and this similarity is reflected in the pain body which drew them together that they call love.

So you shouldn't believe anything you read, not even me without doing your own homework.

Have a happy abundant new year Kate.
Catherine

[french queen13]

01:59 PM on 01/03/2011

They would need to have more than a birthday in common to be that much alike, Kate. Imagine someone from a totally different culture - different upbringing, different expectations, social norms and so on. Even if their innate, underlying characters were close, it wouldn't mean they'd be compatible.

Besides, think of how many millions of people share birthdays. Are they all alike? I doubt it!

Here's one for you across time - I share a birthday with Rubens and Henry VIII, but we're none of us alike! :)

[french queen13]

12:04 AM on 01/03/2011

You may like this: a couple of years ago I went to a medium, someone recommended to me. (NB she wasn't using cold reading techniques and she talked specifics rather than asking questions, so no, I do not think she was a fake.) She said I need to clear out my clutter, and get rid of all those shoes. Then she paused, and said, "He's saying you won't get rid of your shoes, you like them too much, you like unusual shoes." Which made me laugh, because I knew who was talking, the cheeky beggar!

Good article, I enjoyed it. Clearing physical stuff (and habits of thinking) and procrastination are what I need to work on. I'm procrastinating right now by being on HP instead of answering a heap of reviews elsewhere! :P

[Barbara Hannah Grufferma]

12:56 PM on 01/03/2011

I LOVE that you're on HP reading and commenting on my article! And, I hope you read all of my weekly articles (they post every Sunday)! Thanks for your comment, and I have one question: do you still have the shoes????
All the best,
Barbara