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Barbara Hannah Grufferman

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To Gray or Not to Gray: Aging Gracefully in the Modern World

Posted: 08/14/10 09:00 AM ET

I remember the first time I ever "colored" my hair. It was 1969--a year when the world was filled with rebellion. I spritzed on a little Sun-In while soaking up the sun in my Brooklyn backyard listening to Credence Clearwater Revival. In a matter of hours, my dark blond hair with natural golden highlights turned a vibrant shade of orange to match the Bain de Soleil Gelee' everybody seemed to use back then (without SPF of course). My mother helped fix it with a little of her "only your hair dresser knows for sure" home coloring kit from Clairol, and it gradually grew out.

Despite the failed first attempt... I was hooked.

Highlighting has been a part of my life since my twenties. But when the grays started sneaking in--just before hitting 50--I thought it might be time to rethink my routine, assuming I would switch over to single process to cover them, just like most other women I knew did. I was trying to figure out a newer, simpler paradigm for the other areas of my life since turning 50, and wanted to figure this one out, too. Was this the moment I was waiting for to proudly and publicly acknowledge my foray into my 50s? Should I now wear my graying hair like a badge of honor, courage, bravado and attitude? I was confused.

Only one name came to my mind when I decided to check in with someone who could give me an honest assessment, and an overview of my options--Frederic Fekkai, the superstar of hair care. The leader in women's hair care since the late 80s, Frederic opened his first salon in New York, which was an immediate success. Now, salons are worldwide, and his products have an international following.

There are degrees of gray, Frederic explained. We start out with a few gray hairs. More come in and we get up to about 20 percent, then 30 percent, and eventually our hair is over 50 percent gray. That's the natural progression of gray hair (for most women). Once your hair is over 50 percent gray, Frederic said we could consider the following options:

  • Do what the vast majority of women do: color the roots every three to five weeks (single process) and maybe combine with occasional highlights (double process)
  • Instead of covering the gray, let the gray hair grow in, and apply highlights and low-lights through the hair to blend with the gray... creating depth and contrast
  • Go gray all the way!

Frederic's least favorite choice is the "single process" route. Very often women who do this create a single block of color, with very little contrast (especially if it's too dark or too light) and this can age you, draining your face. Even if your hair is dark brown or black--which shows up the gray much more than blond hair does--he encourages us to run the highlights and lowlights right through the brown and gray hair, creating a beautiful mix of natural colors. It's a more modern, fresh look and, he thinks very sexy, because it's an interesting way to embrace your hair, and your age, without going completely gray.

But, letting your hair go gray is an option that women should consider, too. If you've already been coloring your graying hair, it might take a little longer to get to where you want it to be, but this might be the most bold way to embrace--and proudly show off--your age. Think of Helen Mirren and Jamie Lee Curtis as great examples of women who have let their gray go, and look fabulous.

Whatever route you take, there are certain things you can do to keep your color--even natural gray hair--looking great:

Hair gloss--a silicone-based product that restores shine and adds polish to the surface of the hair--is often used after coloring the hair. Glosses are especially helpful in helping gray hair look more vibrant.

  • Don't shampoo your hair the day you are having your color applied.
  • If you're getting your hair cut and colored during the same salon visit, always get the cut first, then the color. This will allow the colorist to be more strategic when adding color (specifically highlights) to create the most contrast in the right places.
  • After shampooing and conditioning, position your hair with your fingers, and let it air dry
  • Steer clear of shampoos with sulfates (an ingredient that makes shampoo sudsy), as it can make hair even more dry, especially gray hair, which tends to be drier
  • Use shampoo once a week, and just conditioner and water on the other days
  • Leave some conditioner in your hair (count to 5 seconds when rinsing). It should feel like wet sea weed.
  • Try not to use a blow-dryer, or if you must, put it on the lowest setting

What did I choose? I'm staying with what I've been doing: combining my dark blonde hair, with the new gray, and some highlights to help blend it all together. Who knows? Maybe some day I'll go gray all the way. But, I'm not there just yet. Right now, it's the perfect compromise between walking proudly and fearlessly into my new life as an "after 50" woman.. and... holding on to that little piece of my former self.

 
 
 

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I remember the first time I ever "colored" my hair. It was 1969--a year when the world was filled with rebellion. I spritzed on a little Sun-In while soaking up the sun in my Brooklyn backyard listen...
I remember the first time I ever "colored" my hair. It was 1969--a year when the world was filled with rebellion. I spritzed on a little Sun-In while soaking up the sun in my Brooklyn backyard listen...
 
 
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05:21 PM on 09/05/2010
My hair is gray now. After I shaved my head in sympathy of an 11-year-old girl, a friend from my church who is battling inoperable brain cancer, high lights and low lights no longer seemed right for me. I wear my gray hair proudly.
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Barbara Hannah Grufferma
author, The Best of Everything After 50
09:06 PM on 09/05/2010
Valerie, thank you so much for posting this comment. You are an amazing woman, and I hope the entire HuffPo community reads what you did in support of the young girl. You are an inspiration to us all. And, you look gorgeous!!!!
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Julia Moulden
Author, speaker, columnist
04:03 PM on 08/17/2010
Oh, yes, this is a BIG question at this age. I've been colouring my hair for years. Came very close to going grey this summer, but my 11-year-old niece (the wise one) said, "But Aunt Julia, will people recognize you if you do?" She's now my branding guru. LOL.

Welcome to HuffPost, Barbara!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
Ljilja
http://graciouslivingdaybyday.com/
03:53 PM on 08/16/2010
Tired of coloring our hair, my sister and I each resolved to let it grow gray. Although I am older, my hair is still pretty dark and does not attract much attention.

But, my sister's hair is very gray. She got a fabulous short haircut, very stylish and complimentary to her features. Most women love her new look. Even strangers come and talk to her and tell her how much they admire her style and courage.

But most men don't seem to like it. She tells me that she has noticed that men look at her a lot less. Also, they think she looks much older.

Interesting!

http://graciouslivingdaybyday.com/
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
teresa1960
09:52 AM on 08/16/2010
I always wondered why people gray earlier than others. I'm now 50 and have long dark brown/auburn hair with only a few strands of gray. My mom and sisters started graying in their early 30's. My dad in his 50's. I guess it's genetic, but would be interested in the science behind it. I shampoo & condition daily, and always get compliments on how shiny and healthy my hair is.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
oldgraymare
Congress is the opposite of Progress
06:03 AM on 08/16/2010
As my moniker states, I'm gray....and have been for over 30 years (and I'm not yet Medicare eligible). I lucked out with the genetics and its really white-white.....cut short and sassy and I get compliments all the time. My husband has the same color hair (what's left of it - heehee). For the 5 or so years it was turning, I "reversed streaked" it. Only downside was that my children's friends would as if I was their grannie, so which I would reply with something appropriately snarky! Love that gray girls.....
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HUFFPOST BLOGGER
Barbara Hannah Grufferma
author, The Best of Everything After 50
08:29 AM on 09/05/2010
I LOVE this comment! And I can just imagine the "appropriately snarky" replies!! Thanks for posting, and all the best!
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McHale Ann Haiman
04:51 AM on 08/16/2010
I think gray hair is pretty. And no, I'm not 60, I'm 19. I like the look gray hair has, that you have wisdom and have actually lived life. As long as hair is well taken care of, there is no reason that gray can't be gorgeous!
12:05 AM on 08/16/2010
Barbara I'm with you- almost 50 and combining highlights with my blonde and grays. However I wrote a post a few months back called Gray Gorgeousness about transitioning into gray etc if anyone is interested in going natural at some point: http://www.linesofbeauty.com/2010/05/gray-gorgeousness.html
08:28 PM on 08/15/2010
Love those weaves! A great stylist, which mine is, knows how to blend colors and allow the grey to blend in naturally with a good cut. There is every reason to still remain attractive and youthful looking every day of your life.
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catcancook
Obama/Biden 2012
07:57 PM on 08/15/2010
It's a real challenge when your hair starts changing colors especially if it's not like the pic that came with this article--her hair is beautiful. Mine is white in front only, bangs, sides and the back is still blondish and the under locks in back are still brown! I use the Herbal Essences blond to try and even it all out but I avoid coloring the brown! It's not fun at all. The hair dresser charges is $150. It was more fun when I was younger to just to wash, dry and go!
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
LiberalBuzz
Voting republican is voting against America.
07:02 PM on 08/15/2010
As a man I don't mind graying. it's the danged wrinkles I don't like. It's not a matter of trying to look younger, just look better.

But graying on women is entirely different per woman. Some look great and the way their hair comes in with it makes all the difference, some...not so much...At least in my non essential male opinion.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
giraf
06:29 PM on 08/15/2010
Just as I suspected that my husband was having an affair with a French woman who "reminded him of me when I was younger", I had the following conversation with my best friend:
I was feeling overweight and my hair was a mess. My grey roots showed more than ever. I had to get to New York. Just because I lived in a place where people cared more about hunting season than an inch of roots didn’t mean that I could let myself go. I told my friend Emma. Kat, she said. Maybe this is the time to let the grey grow out and be yourself. You’re kiddin’, I said. It’s so not the time to be myself. I’m competing with French women, and French women have French manicures, perfectly styled hair and never ever show their roots....
more at http://theblackberrydiet.wordpress.com/
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HUFFPOST COMMUNITY MODERATOR
yellowdoggie
Level 1 Baggerese Translator
12:18 AM on 08/16/2010
Seriously? You are a married woman in competition with other women for your husband's affections? This is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
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giraf
11:54 AM on 09/04/2010
I know,it IS sad, its an excerpt from my novel, where the main character struggles with all the questions of aging, including hair color and weight, when her husband is suddenly obsessed with another woman whom, as he explains himself, "reminds me of you when we first met"....

http://theblackberrydiet.wordpress.com/
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ValdaDeDieu
Author: NOCTURNE, BLOODPACT, DEATH MISSION TRILOGY
05:04 PM on 08/15/2010
Go gray if it suits you-- or your lifestyle. Gray (in itself) is not necessarily THE definitive sign of aging that you must sport as a "badge of honor." I know people who were prematurely gray in their 20's.

Aging is an artificial construct. Once you've decided that, you can re-construct your DNA, and redefine what, for you, "aging" represents.
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InfinteShibumi
Just breathe...
07:05 PM on 08/16/2010
Ah! An old soul...
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gleitz05
Old people are allowed to be cranky.
04:54 PM on 08/15/2010
I got my first gray hairs at the age of fourteen. When I was in my early thirties and the gray at the temples started peeking thru the dye job, my boyfriend noticed it. He asked me to stop dying it since I couldn't even tell him what my natural color looked like anymore. Best decision I ever made for my hair. I wound up having very silver hair in the front and a mix of salt and pepper in the back. Now at the age of fifty-nine, my hair is mostly silver all over. I usually wear it up and I've received many compliments on it from both men and women. I have noticed that a lot of older women keep dying their hair at the insistance of their husbands. When the men see their wives with gray hair it reminds them that they, too, are getting older. Phooey! What I will say is that older women should get nicer haircuts. Here in Florida, I see so many women looking like they all went to the same hair salon. Short cuts only and they all look the identical. I also use shampoo and conditioner formulated for gray. Keeps me from having any yellow streaks.
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Barbara Hannah Grufferma
author, The Best of Everything After 50
05:53 PM on 08/15/2010
Sounds like it was the best decision you ever made! I agree about the "cookie cutter hair cut" syndrome. Many women think that just because they're over 50 their hair has to be short and dyed. I hope that many wlll read this post and see that there really are other choices, most of which are much better for the health of the hair. Thanks for posting.
03:41 PM on 08/15/2010
I was prematurely gray. But what sealed my choice to wear gray hair was my skin tone. I'm olive toned and lowlights which are usually warm look terrible on me. I can either wear black or white hair. I was pepper and salt until my 40s, then salt and pepper and now mostly silverish white. I would look like a vampire if colored my hair black because my skin tone has also changed. If you can do the lowlights thing, go for it. But I hate to see the one block of color with gray roots. It looks messy and who are you fooling, anyway? It's really a chore to keep that up especially if your hair grows fast like mine. As far as people's reaction, I simply ignore them. People can be silly, finally. No point in being one of them.
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Christine McElroy
02:40 PM on 08/15/2010
Everyone here seems to know a lot. I just turned 55 and am 98% gray. I go to the salon every 4 - 5 weeks to have my hair colored red/brown/blonde. Highlights, lowlights, streaks.
Now, can I still do the no "poo" thing? How will that effect the color? Probably not, right?
I have recently let my hair grow to a little longer than shoulder length with some nice layering. I've found that shampooing less and not styling it every day gives me more body and shine.With shorter hair, I was washing or wetting it and blow-drying every day.
P.S. Still feel invisible. It's not fair.
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Barbara Hannah Grufferma
author, The Best of Everything After 50
05:59 PM on 08/15/2010
Hi Christine: sounds like you have similar hair to mine. I, too, have my hair below the shoulder with layering, and follow the cleansing routine as outlined in the article. I'm sure your hair looks better than ever. But about feeling invisible? Here's my answer and advice: DON"T! Don't give in to that whole concept that once a woman is over 50 she's history. If you can, pick up a copy of my book, or borrow one from the library, and you'll see that there are many women out there, like me, who have alot to give the world, for many years. Invisible? No. Not a shot. If you're on facebook, please friend me, and get connected to hundreds of women who are doing and thinking amazing things.
Best,
Barbara