A not-so-quiet revolution has been picking up massive steam on the Internet ... and I'm proud to be a part of it. It's all about how we talk about, view and react to aging in America.
We are continuously bombarded with messages at every turn urging us to join the war against aging (at a cost). We listen to the "anti-aging sirens" sing sweet words of encouragement (and promises) in our ears whenever we turn on the television, see a movie, or read a magazine (even those allegedly aimed at "older women"). "Youth is beauty," the sirens sing. "You don't really want to age... do you? Who will hire you? Who will love you? Who will desire you? Come with us, and be young, young, young... forever."
Advertisers who desperately want the baby boomer dollars often use models half our age, or those so airbrushed they make 50 truly look like it's the new 40 (a ridiculous line invented by some marketer, no doubt) in a distasteful attempt to have us believe that we can, in fact, reverse the clock.
Plastic surgery is on the rise (for men as well as women) even in the face of massive unemployment and high debt loads among the "over 50" market. A recent Wall Street Journal article -- "Debt Hobbles Older Americans" -- opens by announcing "More Americans are reaching their 60s with so much debt they can't afford to retire," and yet we, as a group, are willing to shell out mega bucks on skin cream, invasive procedures, chemical peels, Botox, and so on in an effort to erase our lines, recapture our youth, and compete head to head with the true youth of this country for jobs, love, sex and attention.
When my grandmother entered her 50s it was a level playing field. The only ones who got their faces lifted (in strict secrecy) were major Hollywood stars. Everyone else just hoped for the best and went down the aging path together. In today's world, however, the level playing field is a distant memory. Those who can, often do. Those who can't... well... time to become invisible, perhaps?
There's a dearth of celebrity role models who choose to age with grace, vitality and dignity... in public. Helen Mirren jumps to mind, especially since in "real life" her hair is a natural, beautiful gray, and just recently she was voted as having the "Body of the Year." There are many well-known women over 50, a few who are true cultural icons whom we watched grow up right along side us, but I would never refer to them as role models for aging without fear. Too many are soldiers in the anti-aging movement, marching through their 50s and 60s with hair impossibly blond or black, faces too smooth, bodies too taut and toned.
Isn't it time to change how we view aging? Have we created a society of "haves" and "have nots" based not so much on how much we have, but on how much we can spend on looking younger? Have we completely removed any opportunity for a level playing field? Have we fooled ourselves to the point where we actually believe we are younger just by erasing crow's feet with Botox? And do we think we fool others?
Not long ago, I posted an article -- "Why Should Gray Hair Work Against Women?" -- which opened a floodgate of comments and emotions here on Huffington Post (as well as on Facebook and Twitter). It's clear that many people believe once we start to age -- and look it -- we are doomed, especially in the job market. But the good news is these same people are starting to get angry, and take action.
I see more and more women every day talking on Facebook, websites, Twitter, and other social media in an effort to shift the discourse and create a societal sea change. Recently, I asked women on Facebook to post their greatest New Year's wish for post 50 women. Here are a few, reprinted with their permission, that clearly underscore our collective desire to change the way we talk about aging in America:
I hope women over 50 throw their arms around social media and band together to create a strong community and social change. (Zoe Nicholson)No matter what life has presented you with, we are 50 something and these truly are the best days of our lives. Don't be afraid, embrace your age. (Donna Vesel Ryan)
May you realize that you are braver then you think, smarter than you realize, more beautiful than you imagine, and more valuable that all the treasure on the earth. (Joyce Frazier Melanson)
May we all understand how important it is to take care of ourselves. We have spent the majority of our lives nurturing and caring for others. We are now at a marvelous time in our lives where we are brave enough to embrace new possibilities. (Vickie Stahl)
My wish is that all women over 50 find their voice... and use it. (Denise Taylor Tremaine)
In an effort to move the paradigm shift along, I've come up with a few of my own "Creeds" to live by. I hope these simple words inspire you to embrace your age and live your life to the fullest:
Follow Barbara Hannah Grufferman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BGrufferman
Carla Buzasi: The Week That Was
Barbara Hannah Grufferman: A Call to Action: It's Time to Silence the "Silent Killer" of Women
Craig Bowron: Mammography Debate: Even Physicians Can Get Emotional About Science
Philip Lee Miller: Trying to Put Genie Back in the Bottle
Barbara
Anti-aging ads appeal to our vanity. While I don't believe we should "buy in" to the Wall Street/Hollywood idea of beauty, I also don't believe anyone has the right to tell you when to "give in" to aging and not enjoy a vain moment or two. As a woman, I want that option for as long as I choose to have it. I still enjoy "being a girl", but don't expect to look like one forever.
In the end it all boils down to personal choice. I have friends who have gone grey and those that dye. I love them both and make no judgements and expect none from them.
I say to those over 50: Live your life as you choose, but enjoy your life over 50. These years can be the best years of your life!
Barbara
Surely by our fifties and sixties, we have learned that we are more than our looks. Surely we can find values more deserving than trying to fool the world into thinking we're not the age we are. Surely there is something so profoundly wise and wonderful about us that we don't need to look like we're twenty again to know that we have worth in the world.
I find it ironic, and pretty damned funny, that when I had flawless skin and an hour glass figure, I never thought I was good enough. And now that I don't have either, I know how tragically wrong I was.
Amazing, isn't it? I feel much more confident now -- at 55 -- than I did when I was 25. All good.
Happy New Year!
Barbara
I have given up on sex, love and attention. I just NEED my job. If I do not have botox or fillers, I can kiss my job goodbye, so no matter my debt situation, I must do this in order to keep my job. I can't change society at the expense of being homeless. It sucks but I am in acceptance mode.
The terrible job market does not help the situation.
There are thousands of strong, smart, capable women in business whose currency is NOT their looks. Believing that your value lies in your unlined face is an insult to you...and to the people who hire you. I know of few employers who'd give up a creative, productive, inspired woman with a few lines on her face to hire a hard bodied kid who brought nothing to the table. Oh, sure, in strip clubs maybe or for menial positions, but not in the real world and not for jobs that matter.
Over 50 is great. Who says 50 is old? When my mom was 50 it was different, but now it's just not old in light ove people routinely living past 85.
Regards,
Judy Williams
www.third-age-women.com
Regards,
Judy Williams
www.third-age-women.com
So I'm accepting life the way it is,enjoying what I have this very second, because you never know.
If the mystics are right and there is a next time, maybe then.
I believe there is a growing dis-satisfaction with the idea that one must fight aging every step of the way. It is my observation that buying into the "anti-aging movement" (and I do use the term "buying INTO" quite deliberately) brings with it the potential for never really feeling at home in our own skin. I also believe that the obsession with youth depletes our capacity for enjoying the beautiful side of aging – and I see this sentiment echoed in many blogs and on Twitter.
While I do not believe we should ever exclude women who promote, or participate in, anti-aging initiatives, I would like to see a change in focus as to how we discuss, market and perceive aging. The exploitation of women's inadequacies with ideas, treatments or “solutions” to the “problem of aging” is everywhere. I'd like to see more of the mindset that aging offers many advantages, that "menopause" is not a disease that needs to be treated, and that the second half of life can bring with it the best years of our lives.
Toward this end, that is the message that SeptemberMay will offer when we launch. I look forward to hearing from more women who share these values.
I stopped occasionally coloring my hair when my son was a teenager and I was going silver very quickly due to stress during what we now laughingly refer to as the dark times. Not because of any need to make a statement but simply because I hate roots and I lack the interest to manage them.
On the other hand since I've turned 55 many momentous changes have come to pass in my life I've lost direction and am have a great deal of trouble finding my footing. The shoulda-coulda's and what if's plague me some days.
All that said I believe women should support each other in their endeavours to find their comfort level within themselves. We are all very different people with very different realities. Using myself as an example, I'm not the least bothered by my laugh lines, earned 'em, happy to make 'em some friends, but some days I look in the mirror and see my not as nice as she could have been grandmother's neck and wonder....could I? Should I? And just how guilty would I feel when I could have used that money to do something to help people who've been less fortunate than I?
How about allowing (and enabling) each of us to make our own choices? Would that not be the more "sisterly" thing to do?
I started MidLifeBloggers.com because I wanted to offer women and men a platform for all voices and all views. What I've realized is that until we are a full part of the on-line conversation, our voices will not be heard--or they will be filtered through those who are much younger. HuffPo's 50Plus goes a way toward giving us a voice. However, we need to grow our numbers; we need to make more of our demographic at ease with the ins and outs of on-line communication and social networking sites. To that end, MidLifeBloggers is planning a conference in 2012 aimed at creating a technically-comfortable and vocal constituency, one that includes all perspectives and all ways of being.
By the way, Jane, I submitted a comment on your Midlife Bloggers site, asking to be considered, and tried following you on Twitter several times, but never heard back on any count. Hopefully we can connect eventually.
Jessica