Welcome to the ongoing discussion about living your best life after 50. Each week I post an article to ignite a discussion about the challenges and joys of midlife. Please read, share, comment, and engage! The more people involved in the conversation, the more we'll all connect, and learn from each other. If there's something specific you'd like to discuss, I'd love to hear from you.
My question isn't meant to create a schism between men and women. Nor is it a question about how we look. It's about how we feel.
Do women embrace aging better than men? Are we happier with our lives and are we better equipped to handle the myriad of changes than they are? Are we better at digging deeper to our very core to pull out our inner resources for what we truly need as we get older?
According to Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, a noted Yale professor of psychology and author who wrote an article for Psychology Today recently, the answer could be "yes." Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema believes women's lives get better with age, not worse. Rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide in women go down, not up, as we grow older, and she contributes that to the natural strengths women possess -- coping skills, empathy, ability to listen, patience -- which help us to tackle new problems and situations that arise as we age, and also give us the courage to pursue new paths.
In the article, Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema states, "Women's full complement of strengths give them the mindset to celebrate older age as a time of joy, love, and fulfillment for all they have worked for and grown to be over their lifetimes."
Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema conducted a study recently and it seems that women over 50 are often better equipped to handle life's increasingly complicated challenges, than men:
Among the older adults, who were facing the adversities that come with aging, the men showed less inclination to use these important coping skills compared to the women. In other words, older women were more likely than older men to tap their mental, emotional, and relational strengths to deal with adversity, which in turn left them less vulnerable to depression and anxiety in the face of difficulty.
Contrary to what many articles and experts want us to believe, women over 50 tend to find their confidence and increased levels of satisfaction from within... not from without. In fact, it seems that even in the face of the media's obsession with youth and beauty, older women place a greater emphasis and pride on their own maturity, experience and wisdom. But, make no mistake: women over 50 think they're looking pretty good, too: according to Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema's study, women's body images actually become more positive as they move from their 20s, 30s and 40s, into midlife.
Finding your own inner strength, though, sometimes takes a village and therein lies the Number One reason why women probably age better and more successfully than men:
Women have a remarkable ability to connect, engage, share and create and maintain solid networks and relationships throughout our lives. This is our greatest strength.
We thrive on the building and nourishing of friendships, and look upon them as an integral part of our ongoing support system, especially when going through tough times (i.e., dealing with aging parents, illness, death, loss of job). And, as so many studies and anecdotal evidence have shown, women, once they reach midlife, are more confident in their own personal power and are willing to tap into that power to not only help themselves, but to help others, especially other women. The wonderful thing is that we don't even have to know the other women personally to make and feel a connection. My network of women friends on websites, Facebook, and here on The Huffington Post, has grown exponentially during this past year because I've been reaching out to other women, and they've been reaching out to me. I've learned so much from all of them, and they continue to enlighten, motivate and engage me, every day. It's no surprise that Facebook's (and other social media's) fastest growing segment in the United States is women over 50.
I've been tuning into the voices of women over 50 since I decided to write my book, and what I hear is beautiful indeed. As a result of our desire to stay connected and foster each other's growth as we age, an amazing crop of websites and blogs have blossomed and continue to flourish. These are places where women can "meet" safely, without judgment (for the most part), get information, and each one has its own unique voice, frequently reflecting the sensibilities of its founder. Some are energetic and sexy, urging its readers to push themselves out of their comfort zones, while others are like soft, gentle breezes, coaxing hard-working women to relax, replenish, renew. I love them all, and I love the women behind them.
A few of the websites and blogs that are especially effective at reflecting the interests and concerns of women over 50 include:
There are many more, and I'm sure I missed quite a few, so please, when you leave a comment, tell us about your favorites.
So, about that question:
Are women better at aging than men?
I put the question out to my friends on Facebook, and here's what a few of them had to say (reprinted with their permission):
Barbara Briggs Ward: I think the tide has turned. Women are more in charge of their aging. They are no longer giving in to it. They run; walk; try new careers; eat well; find new loves. Age no longer means slowing down and retreating. Age does not define a woman-for better or worse. It only opens new doors for them. And I think all of this has given women an edge over the men who are used to doors always being open.
Denise Taylor Tremaine: You don't ever hear, or rarely, of women going through a mid-life crisis... we handle everything with grace.
Kim Okerson: I agree that the social pressure on women is far greater, but it is up to each of us to have the grace and dignity to accept that our age is state of mind.
Connie Katon Wingo: The emotional impact of aging is difficult for men, I'd say. In their youth, they were able to have the perception of controlling their environment. Their identities as men were so often tied to their sexual perception and themselves. Their sex drive slows down, and for a great deal of men their "manhood," is tied into their perception of their sexuality. Also, as men begin to age in the workforce, their roles begin to change and coping with the feeling of obsoleteness is frightening, possibly causing men to feel more insecure about aging.
Melody George: I dont think one gender has it over another on aging. I think with men and women it is equally daunting or exciting depending on the person.
Whatever your thoughts are on this... here's the fundamental truth: the more we stick together, the happier we will be.
Staying connected is a powerful tool. "Friend" me on Facebook, and "tweet" me on Twitter (BGrufferman). Fore more information about The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts' Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More please go to my website: www.bestofeverythingafter50.com. Stay well, and stay in touch.
Follow Barbara Hannah Grufferman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BGrufferman
Meredith Fineman: Hey Washington Post: Mean Girls Have Nothing to Do With Age
Why smart women still agonize over aging - Books - familyhealth ...
Could aging be good for women? | Psychology Today
Men end up happier than women - Health - Aging - msnbc.com
– Dr. Bonnie Leonard www.bonnieleonard.com
We met outside the studio when we did Dr. Oz's radio show over the summer. You gave me a copy of your book as I was getting ready to turn 48. Love it and agree with so much of what you say here. I only wish I didn't have to work so hard to have the abs I had when I was younger :/
Here's the post I wrote about you, the book and how great it is to be confident enough to eat a meal alone and not have to have a potty posse accompany you to the restroom :)
http://www.goodenoughmother.com/2011/03/aging-how-are-you-handling-it/
Please stay in touch!
Chris Bowen
http://teacher2teacher.lacoe.edu/a-fresh-dreamer.aspx
Do women accept aging better than men?
Probably.
Most women look at themselves critically in the mirror many times a day. Most men look at themselves in the mirror just once a day when they shave; when they shave they see the face of a sixteen year old boy.
Derek Lantin. http://dereklantin.booksabuzz.com
Looking at how the process goes WRONG (mental illness, suicide) makes for a poor understanding of how the AVERAGE person handles the process of aging.
Bottomline. Women have more options for social support as they age, than do men. Women have greater permission from society to give expression to their painful emotions (of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation) than do men.
But to reason from these rather extreme cases, that somehow the "average" woman is better at coping with aging than the "average" man is some fairly flawed reasoning.
learn to embrace the 'little old guy inside you' no matter your age. Whether man or woman,
(many factors aside) acceptance of one's aging is half the battle to your happiness & comfort.
Barbara
Thanks for commenting,
Barbara
Barbara
Nolen-Hoeksema's article is entirely about the happiness women can find in old age. Toward the end of the article, she lists several types of coping skills and notes in passing that women use them to deal with aging more than men. However, there is no discussion of different coping skills that men use, or whether older men were found to be more or less happy than older women.
The original article was a very uplifting piece. To take that and turn it into a "women vs. men" situation article based on a one-sentence aside is a strange idea indeed.
Personally, I think men and women have some similar battles to fight as aging lessens us in some respects, and different challenges as well, particularly in our youth-obsessed, sexualized culture. Likewise, we do indeed have different coping skills and also renewed gifts and wisdom - yes wisdom - when we take the time to examine where we are in our lives, and what we can still accomplish and enjoy.
And speaking of sexuality - that is something still to be enjoyed by both genders over 50. We just don't seem to talk about it enough.
As for the "happiness" factor, I'm not sure we need to use that measure quite so often. I think satisfaction, contentment, pride in what we give back and joy in what we experience - these are means to assess that feel less artificial, more personal, more achievable. And speaking of giving back - men and women both recognize the satisfaction in contributing to more than the bottom line as maturity allows us to see beyond our own needs. Ultimately, we have the opportunity for a more grounded and giving human community, when we cease compartmentalizing and competing - young vs. old, man vs. woman.
Barbara
Women often are valued for their appearance, something that is contrived for the most part anyway. Fading beauty can actually be a relief to women because the problems associated with it are many. Men never are relieved to lose youthful strength.
I'm sorry you didn't read it, but perhaps you read some of the comments? The article is intended to ignite a discussion, which it has, and to convey to readers that we can all learn from each other, and that connecting, whether you are young or old, man or woman, is essential.
All the best,
Barbara
You should be ashamed of this piece.