PBS's 'This Emotional Life': The Meaning of Mother's Day for Military Moms

As a child, I remember Mother's Day as a pleasant little holiday designed to remind us to appreciate all that our mothers do for us each and every day. We gave gifts, took our mother to brunch, and tried to be especially well behaved for the day. And then I grew up--went off to college, began a career and eventually started a family of my own. Becoming a mother changed my life like no other experience before or after. I experienced an attachment to my baby that was stronger than any I could have imagined. I often think of that bond in terms of what I refer to as the "bus phenomenon."

The moment my daughter was born I knew that I would step in front of a bus, without a moment's hesitation, to save her. I also knew that I would willingly, if not always easily, make other sacrifices for her. For the rest of my life I would worry about her happiness and welfare and would be devastated if anything ever happened to her. Not surprisingly, I am equally attached to and as fiercely protective of my second child. Most mothers I know--regardless of profession, stage of life, marital status, social status, cultural background or age--feel exactly the same way about their kids. We are biologically and psychologically wired to defend and love our children.

Becoming a mother also changed my perspective on the holiday. I know that most of us think of Mother's Day as a Hallmark holiday, a day designed to increase the bottom line for the retail industry. Indeed, Mother's Day has, sadly, become extremely commercialized, like all American holidays. Still, there are so many reasons for us to stop and take note of the importance and power of the bond between a mother and her child. It is important to recognize and reflect on this attachment because by doing so we create the space and opportunity to build and strengthen relationships with those we love.

This year I am keenly aware that for one group of American women Mother's Day will be less than what we would hope for them. For mothers in our military community the day can be complicated and quite painful. For women who serve our country the holiday may accentuate a sadness they understandably feel about leaving their children behind as they answer the call of duty. For women whose husbands are deployed Mother's Day may be a lonely day--as they continue to function as both mother and father for their families. For those women who have a son or daughter in harm's way Mother's Day will be yet another day marked by alternating moments of pride, worry, hope and prayer.

Military women, like their male counterparts, are typically capable, competent and selfless. They prefer to focus on their mission--whether it is to defend our country or maintain the home front--rather than complain about the sacrifices or challenges they face. Military mothers, like their civilian counterparts, want the best for their children. They want to be there every step of the way to support, guide and protect their kids. Sometimes our military's mission overshadows the needs of the service member's family. While military moms understand and accept this reality, they nevertheless feel pain and sadness if they are unable to fulfill what they believe is their commitment to their youngster.

Unlike civilian mothers, military moms are painfully aware of the negative impact that war has on their children. Mothers who serve may be away from their children for a year at a time. They miss milestones, birthdays, achievements and celebrations. In addition, they carry an especially heavy burden as they deploy, aware of the consequences for their children should they be injured or killed while performing their duties. Mothers whose husbands are deployed share this worry, about the horrible trauma that injury or death of a parent can have on a child. Those women married to service members also worry about the impact of their own stress on their ability to provide for their kids. Mental health professionals know that stress on the mother has a direct impact on the functioning of her children. Mothers know this as well and often feel tremendous guilt if they are unable to "suck it up" for their kids.

Clearly, military moms have a great deal to contend with these days--their plates are well beyond full. The stories we hear about the challenges facing military families are sobering. Yet we can't relieve them completely of their burden. Nor would they ask us to do so even if we could. Not only are military moms capable and competent, they are also very proud of the service they provide to our country. They are proud to make the sacrifices they make so that our military--and therefore our country--remains strong.

We in the civilian community do seem to want to help. Thankfully, it appears that we truly do support our troops and their families, that we have learned some important lessons from the Vietnam era. We do seem to recognize the service that these families provide. Yet there is much more we can do to actually be of assistance and service to them. At the very least we must educate ourselves so that we understand the issues that affect them. As Mother's Day approaches, we must be mindful of those women in our community who serve our country. We must reach out to them and begin to get to know them, take the time to listen to their stories and learn about their children and their families.

Mother's Day can be a day to recognize and strengthen the special bonds that exist between mothers and their children. It is most of all a day to remember the joy of motherhood. Because we are a nation at war, we should be especially tender toward the mothers who must leave their children behind as they head to battle. We should be especially supportive to the mothers who keep the home fires burning, the ones who must contain their own worry and distress in order to reassure and protect their children. And we should be especially compassionate to the mothers whose children have paid the ultimate price in service to our country.

Are you a new or expecting parent, or do you know one? Get a copy of the Early Moments Matter toolkit at www.earlymomentsmatter.org and learn about an exciting public service effort to promote early childhood attachment. Help give our next generation the best chance at a life of emotional wellness.

 

Comments

[Hugh-Leighton]

10:54 AM on 05/09/2010

I was born 71 years ago in London, England to a Mother who made the sacrifice of placing my sister and me in a boarbing school where we would be safe, while she went to work directly for the military in support of her country. She divorced my fillandering father during the war and then met and married a Canadian soldier, a quiet man who told me very little but showed me what it truly is to be a man. I think of them both frequently and even though they have both passed on, they teach me still. This day reminds me of them both and how truly blessed I am. Those who know me well, know not to disturb me if I am sitting quietly alone, a dreamy look in my eyes and a smile playing with the corners of my mouth. They know I am talking to Mom and Dad.

[NevaforLeadership]

12:02 PM on 05/08/2010

My heart goes out to military wives and mothers.

We owe a debt of immeasurable gratitude to your brave husbands, wives, sons and daughters in the military.