I'm no stand-up comedian, but I did come up with one joke concerning my divorce:
"So, I was married for 27 years, and with my ex-wife for a total of 30. After our split, I made a rule that I'd never think back on anything we did sexually. It just didn't seem right -- I did not want to be accessing those feelings ... those images ... But, she was the only woman I was with for 30 years. Three full decades of sexual experiences, locked away forever ... You realize that's like 12 times I can't think about?!"
An exaggeration, of course. But an honest sentiment. Which I heard a lot from my married friends.
One of them asked me to lunch after my separation. He said his marriage was teetering, and wanted to know what I was going through. At the end of our conversation, he summed it up like this: "So I guess my choices are starting over, or accepting I'll never have sex again." (See this previous post aimed at the "Divorce Curious")
But even in couples that are "happily married," it certainly feels like a majority are mismatched sexually. Somebody -- often the husband, but definitely not always -- isn't happy.
I read about sex a lot online, as I'm constantly seeking articles to aggregate for my website, DivorcedOver50.com (really, that's the only reason...). And, as you've likely noticed, there's no shortage of sex advice online.
Leaving the technical angle to others better qualified (see joke above), I wanted to dig into the relationship advice being offered out there. Let me qualify all that follows by acknowledging that as a man, I can only offer a male point of view on the topic.
In general, advice pieces start with the premise that men are simple and want sex all the time, while women are complicated and need the right emotional situation to be interested.
For example, a doctor is quoted in a WebMD post saying her female patients' desire "...originates much more between the ears than between the legs." The article suggests that while men want to spread their genes far and wide, women are evolutionarily hard-wired to seek quality relationships with partners who will help raise the baby. It continues that men think about sex much more often than women, are turned on much more easily, and even adds that nuns maintain their vows of chastity better than priests.
So what should a man do if he wants more sex?
The laundry, says Lloyd Garver in this very funny piece. Garver found a couple of studies, and even a book, on the topic of household chores. His review of the "literature" suggests that women are happier when men help out at home, making them more likely to want sex. One researcher even quantified the libido increase at one more time per month. Is the extra nookie worth the risk of dishpan hands? Every man will have to decide for himself.
Karen Brody takes a more serious approach in her post, "One Secret That Will Unleash Your Wife's Desire." Brody begins with the conventional wisdom that men want it all the time, as they are visual creatures who get "...an ache in [their] groin" from seeing a woman "...bent over in the kitchen, or when [they] catch a glimpse of her nipples rising under her t-shirt." (Whew, gotta catch my breath...)
She continues that men want to believe women get just as hot from looking at them, but she says they do not. Rather, a woman's desire "is driven by a series of micro events where she feels good" in her partner's presence. Brody says a woman needs to feel that she's seen and appreciated by her man, that he's taking care of her, and that he demonstrates trustworthiness by respecting and admiring her.
I mentioned this theory to the woman I'm seeing, who laughed -- not because she disagreed, but because she'd seen it in action. "I always knew when my ex-husband wanted sex," she said. "All of a sudden, he'd start being really nice to me. It was just so obvious. And so completely turned me off."
Synthesizing all of the above, in the "classic" scenario where it's the man who wants more sex, here's a suggestion for what he should do:
Follow Brody's advice -- treat the woman in your life with respect and admiration, appreciate her and take care of her. But not because you think it'll get you laid, do it because it's how you want to treat her as part of being in a committed relationship. And do it consistently, not just (the 90 percent of the time) when you want sex.
If you treat her this way and your sex life improves, great.
If you treat her this way and it doesn't improve, you need to explore what issues may be involved. Perhaps it's transitory, like work stress. Or will eventually improve, like being exhausted from dealing with the children all day. But it could also signal fundamental problems in the relationship. And it's probably time to discuss, rather than letting your frustration build.
And if you decide you don't want to treat her this way all the time, well, you've gained insight into your feelings for her, and also forfeited your right to complain about the sex.
Results Two and Three do not mean the relationship cannot continue. There's much more to a relationship than sex, and plenty of couples make accommodations, adjust expectations, connect in other ways, and happily move forward in their lives together.
But there's no question that a mutually fulfilling sex life is good for a relationship. Sex is communication. It's closeness. It makes the good times better, and the bad times easier to take.
And it's so much more fun than doing the dishes.
For more content of interest to anyone who is Divorced Over 50, or whose marriage is at a point where divorce is a possibility, please visit DivorcedOver50.com.
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