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Nasty Shopping - A Cautionary Tale for the Season

11/23/2007 12:41 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

To salute the kickoff of Xmas shopping season, here's a nasty tale of consumerism from (Yet Another NASTYbook ).

CONSUMER CULTURE

Two goblins decide to go shopping in the big city.

Everybody loves to shop, why not them?

However, being unfamiliar with modern consumer culture, the goblins just scowl back up at the clerk when she wants payment at the cash register. They aren't much at human-language skills either; the clerk finally loses patience with the two little bizarre men fiercely and dumbly clutching their nonsensical jumbles of bright things. Her impatience is understandable but unfortunate, since goblins are temperamental and (not widely known) they practice cannibalism. The clerk snarls something obviously very rude; it's the last thing she ever says, apart from her screams.

The manager stalks over at the noise. He manages to shriek out the word, "Help!"

The security guard now comes huffing along, from his coffee break. He takes in the scene of carnage and consumerism, and immediately his mind starts working. He has aspirations to be a writer, you see; he scribbles away during his breaks. He's read about goblins. And now instead of squirting them in their teeny bristly eyes with pepper spray and clubbing them and calling the police, he makes signs that he'll let them go--on condition they later confide to him (some how or other) their goblin life stories, which he will turn into a sensational and remarkable book. They agree. But as they exit the guard/writer unfortunately waves bye-bye, which is a very insulting gesture in goblin culture. So he loses his right hand, and his book. And all he gets in the end is a little story, written left-handed--very similar to this one.

Thanks to Uber.com where this piece first appeared in my blog Brain Flakes.