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Palin Press Release First Draft

Posted: Updated:

For Immediate Release
August 29, 2008
John McCain Selects Alaska Governor Sarah Palin As Vice Presidential Running Mate
ARLINGTON, VA -- U.S. Senator John McCain today announced that he has selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his running mate and to serve as vice president.

Governor Palin reflects John McCain's strong commitment to women's issues. The campaign recognizes that previous outreach, such as when John called his wife a "trollope" and "you cunt," were unsuccessful. Similarly, laughing at supporters who asked of Hillary Clinton, "How do we beat the bitch," may not have adequately conveyed the campaign's respect and admiration for Hillary Clinton's historic campaign. John McCain has always recognized Hillary's pathblazing, as reflected in his comments about her scientifically improbable reproductive feats, when he asked the coy rhetorical question: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

Certainly, Governor Palin will be following in the footsteps of another fine gubernatorial Republican, McCain fundraiser Clayton Williams, in advocating female sexual expression, though she will have to clarify herself whether those views include encouraging rape victims to treat it like the weather, "as long as it's inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it."*

Governor Palin has almost 2 years of experience governing a state with a population larger than some American cities. In Alaska, Governor Palin challenged a corrupt system by abusing her power only for personal reasons, never for cash. This was viewed as edgy and eccentric. She fired the Public Safety Commissioner of Alaska after he refused to terminate her former brother-in-law. (He was a jerk.) She put a stop to the "bridge to nowhere" sponsored by Republican Senator Ted Stevens that would have cost taxpayers $400 million dollars. (Should we mention this? It might draw attention to Governor Palin and Senator Stevens' twin corruption investigations.)

Senator McCain feels strongly that women disappointed that the Democratic Party passed over a talented, hyper-competent woman will flock to the side of the hot librarian version of Dan Quayle. After all, its not about reproductive rights, equal pay for equal work, and all that crap, right? A transparently cynical effort at tokenism works for everyone, right ladies?

(Let's clean this up before we send it out to the press, gang, but I think this sums up our feelings.)

*If you do a search for McCain lie back and enjoy it in google, the sponsored link is for McCain-Palin. Outreach!

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