When a marriage ends, it is usually accompanied by intense emotions that
too often result in terrible choices being made that end up hurting
the couple and the children. You don’t have to be Gandhi, Buddha or any
other kind of evolved spirit to have a “Peaceful Divorce,” but you do
need to have the intention to do so.
Reality begins with language.
What we tell ourselves, what we believe IS our reality. You can have
any kind of divorce you want to have. You can tell yourself that he or
she is a rat, pig, etc. who would never be reasonable enough to sit
down peacefully and work out fair terms and that will be your reality.
As an alternative, you can have an inner dialog that will produce another result. It might sound something like this…
I am faced with a situation and I have a choice.
I can let my emotions run this thing, look for the most cut throat
lawyer in town and go in for the kill or I can save my time, money and
soul by avoiding court.
What options do I have that will make this process as pain free as possible?
How can I protect my rights and be fair to the other person?
I know everyone wants to get the best deal they can, so how can we set up a win/win?
The conversation you have with yourself and the informed choices you
make determine what kind of life and experience you will have. You may
be devastated by the news your spouse wants out. Maybe you are furious
at what you perceive to be unreasonableness on the part of your spouse.
You might be in a lot of different emotional places right now.
I know from many years of working in the divorce field that this is
one of the hardest life transitions people face. The two of you are
probably not getting along. Does it make sense to increase the conflict by hiring separate lawyers and spending precious
time fighting when there is an alternative?
Think before you react.
What will serve you and the children (if you have any) best? The
more money you can save, the better off you will be. The more you
protect your co-parenting relationship, the easier your future life
When divorce lawyers get involved in your life, things tend to get
worse and not better. They bill by the hour. They have no incentive to
calm you down and help you resolve your case quickly and inexpensively.
The more you fight, the more they get paid.
The end result is already pretty well known. Every state has support
guidelines. Most experienced divorce lawyers can predict how property
will be divided and when it comes to custody issues, who loves the
children more than the parents? Why would you even want strangers
making decisions on how and who should raise your children?
Imagine the resistance that would arise in you if your spouse said,”I am going to do everything in my power to take the children away from you.”
Now imagine what your response would be if they said,
We have a job ahead of us. We need to work together to
raise these kids. The children need to be with the two of us as much as
possible. We need to make decisions that are in their best interest.
Doesn’t that create a whole other reaction? Remember, reality
begins with language. How you discuss divorce issues with yourself and
your spouse will determine the outcome.
Couples need help in navigating their way through the maze of divorce issues.
- You need to know what the law is and what your rights are.
- You need help doing all the many forms.
- You need someone to help you negotiate the terms of the agreement but that does NOT mean you each need to hire your own attorneys.
In most cases they will create more problems than they will solve.
The better answer is to find an attorney/mediator in your area who can
calmly and peacefully work with both of you. There is nothing to fight
about. Millions of couples have already litigated all the issues in
your state. There are no legal mysteries that need solving. A
lawyer/mediator can explain things to you and you can make informed
decisions in a reasonable manner that saves you time, money and
protects the children from being caught in the crossfire.
When both spouses are focused on getting out as gracefully as
possible and have an intention to be fair and honest, miracles can
happen. I do it for a living, so I know what is possible.
Peaceful divorce is NOT for everyone.
There are some people who are “high conflict personality types” but
that is only about 15% of the population. That means 85% of the people
are rational enough to see that they are better off avoiding the drama
of court by working together. It is all a matter of taking a deep
breath, calming down and analyzing the situation.
- What is needed here?
- What is the best way to do that?
- What results am I trying to create?
- How do I get there from here.
Once you start down the adversarial road by hiring separate lawyers
and fighting in court, it is hard to turn things around. You only get
one chance to have a peaceful divorce. Get informed about your choices.
I highly suggest you read Ed Sherman’s “Make
Any Divorce Better!: Specific Steps to Make Things Smoother, Faster,
Less Painful, and Save You a Lot of Money (Make Any Divorce Better!)”
before you do anything. He has an amazing way of breaking down all the
options so you can clearly see where you are and what to do next. If
you have children it is so important to protect them from a nasty
divorce if you can avoid it and I believe most people can. If you
believe that too, you are already on the right road.
Follow Belinda Etezad Rachman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/belindaesq