Am I a Slut or do I have a Sex Addiction?

All week long I've had emails with a variation of the following:

"Am I a slut or do I have a sex addiction?"

Rather that give you just my opinion, I gathered some friends and colleagues -- experts in the field of sex in one way or another -- to get their takes to see if we could come to some consensus.

I certainly do not view sex addiction as a "disease" that requires 12 steps to cure. Apparently, I fit all the criteria for having a bona fide sex addiction to a T, except for one crucial element: shame. It is this one little horrific emotion that drives millions of so-called sex addicts to spend exponential amounts of money in therapy every year, and just as many to seek support in groups and addiction programs. This shame stems from the fact that many so-called sexual deviants are slapped with the label "sex addict" when there is, in fact, absolutely nothing wrong with liking porn, or anal sex, or spending an evening with a call girl. I don't even think there is anything wrong with using sex to deal with your emotions -- after all, there is some truth to the saying, "let's work it out in bed." Maybe what we need are groups to heal our shame around sex, rather than programs that only serve to reinforce our neuroses.

-- Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D. prostitute/porn star turned sexologist & educator

You may well be a slut, but that would be a morality call, not generally the purview of a psychiatrist. A sex addict is someone with a maladaptive predilection for escalating sexual engagement, despite an awareness of the negative consequences of such risky behaviors. A sex-addict tends to jones for sex much like a crack-addict for the rock, despite a conscious understanding of the downsides: physical risks, loss of relationships, and a kind of social developmental stunting. A sex-addict loses power to their addiction. The brand of "slut" typically implies that said slut is aware of her actions and is working it. All that said, it's apples and oranges (maybe bananas), as sex-addict is a psychiatric diagnosis and slut is a morality-based judgment.

-- Greg Dillon, MD, Lower Fifth Psychiatric, New York City

Call yourself a slut, regardless of what you are doing. If you have a sex addiction you are a sex-o-holic, and no one wants to hang out with a sex-o-holic.. but everyone wants to be friends with a slut. In fact, everyone wants to BE a slut these days. "Slut" has become a very glamorous term. I mean really, there are belts and tee-shirts and hats that are sold in the stores that say "slut" on them in bling-bling ish sort of letters. You can't find swag that says "sex-o-holic" on it so why the hell would I want to identify with that?

-- Joanna Angel, Director & Porn Star

If I had to chose between the two, I'd rather call myself a slut. My love and preoccupation with sex has lead to "drama" in my relationships only when I felt obligated to monogamy out of social expectations. Once I embraced my more "poly-amorous" or non-traditional feelings about sex the happier my sex life has become. We are all sexual beings and no two beings express their sexuality exactly the same. It only looks alike because of our socialization. Monogamy is not natural. It is a choice. A choice that makes sense if that's your desire. When its more your family, culture, or community's demand then we got problems. Sex addiction is real but -m ethinks the public protest too loudly 'round the topic when their spouse or sexual partners don't adhere to the popular expectations. The more honest we are about how we like our sex the less time, and money, will be spent in clinics and courtrooms.

-- Mo Beasley, Author and Sexuality Educator

In the simplest terms, who's in control? You or the Hungry Kitty between your legs? If you find yourself being dragged around town by your G-string, then you may be addicted to the wham bam, thank you ma'am. Do you find you can't make rational decisions about who you're sleeping with? Do you regret more often than not who gets to worship your womb? Girls that are just horny can get that "itch" scratched and move on but those who are addicted never seem to feel like they've had enough, often feeling emptier after a sexual encounter than before they started.

-- Lora Somoza, sex educator & advice columnist

Maybe a composite of all is best? Here's mine given these answers:

If you are in control, have no shame, and practice non-monogamy with honor, then you can proudly call yourself a slut, eschew the condemning "addict" label, and steer clear of the 12 steps (for this one at least).

*all fun aside, for clinical guidelines on sex addiction please go here.

Comments

[larry278]

Why the pejorative slut or sex addict or even nympho? Affluent sexually active women are considered to be gallant ladies. If you want to go down scale, you can say or be a swinger. There are also titles such as free spirit, liberated woman, blythe spirit which do not reek of the puritan pejorative of slut. Sensual, Lusty, Uninhibited, Thrilling.

[riotforchange]

Right -- I think your key word here is "affluent." Why do only the rich ladies have all the fun? If you are of a lower class, then are you a slut? I think you make a very good point here, whether intentionally or not, that there is a large amount of class bias in how we refer to sexual behavior -- especially in women.

[scordsdu]

Neither, simply carried away by passions!

[writeforlife]

Right . . . a lack of impulse control. Which is a hallmark trait of an addictive personality.

[writeforlife]

Trust me, sex addiction is a real disease and it is absolutely as serious as any substance addiction I have ever treated. Sex addicts risk their lives for the next thrill on a regular basis. They expose themselves and others to disease, unwanted pregnancy, you name it. And even after all of this and more has occurred " they keep doing it until they hit bottom " just like any other addict.

[gopackers]

Good grief " every man I"ve ever met has a sex addiction! I personally think the term is a little absurd. I"ll bet anything that most "sex addicts" display these addictive behaviors in almost every area of their lives. And I think there are SO many people right now looking to escape from themselves any way they can. I don"t know why there are so many unhappy people in the world right now, but it seems like the ones who seem to have everything just can"t get enough, and they keep trying and trying . . . and then comes addiction.

[writeforlife]

You're right, most addicts of any type display addictive behaviors in almost every area of their lives, bu t all that does is prove that they ARE addicts -- not that they are not. There is a lot of truth in what you say here, but I think what you are saying proves this IS a legitimate disorder -- not the other way around.

[Paradym]

Yay and here here! Drop the shame and enjoy the fun - but be ethical in your relationships. Read The Ethical Slut and own your sexuality, whatever it may be.

[rachelchanteuse]

I agree. Everyone's sex drive differs. What might look like sex addiction to some might be quite normal for others. I just read Open by Jenny Block. I think a lot of people would say she is a sex addict, but she is missing that crucial shame element that Sprinkle elaborated. Block found a solution to her issue of having a high sex drive. I think we all need to just do what works for us, and that's certainly not going to be the same thing for everyone.

[dragkingmax]

I tend to think both terms used in this discussion are somewhat problematic. I definitely like those who have reclaimed the word "slut" and can use it as an empowering term. I'm not even sure what to think of people who think they are truly sex addicts. But I definitely agree with what Annie Sprinkle (I LOVE that you quoted her, btw -- she is one of my favorites) about the shame element in all of this and how that's really the issue here. There's nothing wrong with liking sex. There's nothing wrong with loving in. There's nothing wrong with wanting it every day, or with multiple partners, maybe all at once, maybe in front of a camera. Whatever. We still love in this sort of backwards puritanical society where we are at once obsessed with and embarassed about our desire for each other. I think the proper answer to the question posed in this column should be, "Let's look at why you are even concerned with this at all."

[yogaivy]

I don't think it really matters what you call it -- people need to learn to keep it in their pants!

[photojane]

I think sex addiction is a serious thing. I think it exists and it should be given the respect and treatment that any other addiction garners. I think there is a lot of shame and social stigma in being a sex addict, and I think that keeps many sufferers from seeking help.

[rachelchanteuse]

What I am wondering is what difference gender and sexual preference plays in whether someone is termed a slut or a sex addict. If you take the same behavior and applied to a gay man, a straight woman, a lesbian, a straight man, how would that change the image and the terminology?

[riotforchange]

Right, and if you bring class and race into the equation too . . . all of these factors definitely have a huge effect on how the same behaviors would be perceived and labeled.