Cult Recovery, Smug Marrieds, And Mommie Dearest Moments

Dear Dr. Belisa,

A friend of mine from college just got married and went from being a great basketball buddy to being annoying as hell. He says "my wife" as often as he can and is always talking in plural. Is this going to wear off or did some aliens come take his brain forever?

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

This has been colloquially called "smug married" where all of the sudden you get the feeling a coupled friend now feels somehow accomplished having tied the knot (and you, single, are somehow pitied). If this doesn't wear off in a few weeks, I'd start by dropping a few hints so he gets the point that you don't necessarily think he should get a prize or just come straight out and tell him he's boring you to tears and needs to focus on his game.

Dear Dr.,

Are the girls that were taken from the polygamist cult going to be OK? I mean, they were totally sheltered and know nothing about the outside world, plus many of the teens were forced to marry and have kids. There's hundreds of them too! What are your thoughts?

KR

Dear KR,

The life they experienced within the compound walls is another world compared to where they are going - they married and were expected to "produce" at puberty, were owned by their husbands (men significantly older or even related to them), were beaten into submission and considered property (check out Eve Ensler's work with women's rights world wide for international examples of similar situations). Much depends on their age and the sophistication of the family the state places them with. For some of the younger ones, it might be like visiting a different country and simply learning new rules; for older ones it will be about redefining themselves and their goals. I'm sure there will be memories and movies documenting the transition coming soon...

Dear Dr.,

This new woman I started dating seemed really normal until one day I offered to help her park her car (she was having trouble parallel parking) and she flipped out. Literally went from zero to 60 in a millisecond. Otherwise she's been fun, normal, and sane. What do you make of this?

Carlos

Dear Carlos,

Did you ever hear the story about how Joan Crawford would throw a tantrum whenever her clothes were put on wire hangers? Only when people found out the story of why, were they more sensitive. It seems that she had lived in the back of a laundromat where she worked with her mom, putting clothes on wire hangers. They brought up terrible memories related to that time.

So, if this is the only time that your new woman has flared up, it sounds as if this is a sensitive topic. You can either take it in stride and avoid the topic, knowing that everyone has their sore spots, or when you've gained some trust, in a calm moment, ask her about it diplomatically.

Dear Doc,

I talk to my daughter about sex but want to give her some websites that have good information since she'll probably "listen" to them more. As a psychologist, which ones are your favorites for older teens/young adults?

Janette

Janette,

Scarleteen, Go Ask Alice and National Institute on Drug and Alcohol Abuse are three of my favorites. I applaud your efforts to give her information in various mediums!

In addition, SIECUS.org has excellent statistics and information to help YOU answer her harder questions.

Comments

[riotforchange]

Okay, yeah -- and this marriage discussion is a bit irritating. What is wrong with a man being proud of his wife? I think it's fantastic. As far as them becoming a "unit" . . . well, I sort of have issues with that as a feminist, but if that's what makes them happy then I think their friends should be more understanding and accomodating.

[riotforchange]

I'm really surprised that no one has commented on the fact that driving and parking are sensitive issues for MANY women, because there is this sexist assumption that women aren't good drivers. I don't think Carlos's girlfriend has anything wrong with her other than a reaction to our sexist society and the fact that it probably seemed like Carlos was trying to be "the man" in a situation I'm sure she could handle herself!

[artsandcrafts]

Well as for the "smug" married man . . . all I have to say is that I would be grateful if my husband was a bit more "smug" about being married! So never fear -- guaranteed it is just a phase.

[rachelchanteuse]

Janette -- I'm actually not sure that your daughter will "listen" to these websites more. Our kids listen to us more than we know and more than we give them credit for. Not that I think having the websites on hand as support is a bad idea, but I just argue with your point that she will view that information as more legit than what you tell her.

[riotforchange]

Janette -- that is sooo fantastic that you talk to your daughter about sex at all! If only all of us had moms like you. I had to find out about it from the kids in the neighborhood . . . and a lot of that was through experience. Parents don't understand how important it is to have those conversations with their kids. Good for you!

[dragkingmax]

Yeah, I dated a girl once who did the Mommie Dearest thing. The best advice I can give you man is -- run now. that is a HUGE red flag and it's not going to get any better. Trust me on this one.

[writeforlife]

Well, yes, I suppose that is one way to approach the situation, but certainly not the most compassionate. It depends on what your investment is in the relationship so far and how much you care for the person. I don't think signs of mental illness are necessarly reasons to "run," but yes, clearly a relationship with someone who has these issues will be a bit trickier to navigate. It all depends on your level of committment to and love for the person. If you have both of those elements, then a conversation would probably be the best way to handle things initially, followed by some couples' sessions, or some other course of therapy for your girlfriend.

[gopackers]

Those guys in that cult are really sick and should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. I don't see how those little girls could ever lead normal lives.

[yogaivy]

My opinion on the marriage issue is that when you get married, you do become a partnership -- a unit to a certain degree. There is an "us" now where there used to be just "me." If you don't want that -- why get married? If you want to just drink beer and watch football with your boys, then that's what you should do until you are ready to settle down.

[sterlingcheese]

I think the media is really exploiting this cult situation to continue to drive home the point that marriage should be between "one man and one woman." I am NOT saying what was going on in that cult was right, or should be legitimized; I am just saying that these are the kinds of stories that proponents of traditional marriage latch onto to as fuel for their antiquated arguments.

[writeforlife]

Is it possible that Carlos's girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder? In my practice, I treat many patients with this disorder, and I know that one of the hallmark characteristics is irrational outbursts of inappropriate anger.

[artsandcrafts]

Yeah, I can't imagine that those girls are going to be okay. However, I wonder how :okay" they were when they were living and functioning within the cult where that lifestyle was considered "normal"? How much does their psychological health have to do with what is inherently "wrong" and what is not socially sanctioned?

[photojane]

Scarleteen is a great site; I sent my daughter there as well when I had to have our little "birds and bees" talk. Good luck Janette!

[happytrails]

In spite of the fact that polygamy was "outlawed" by the Mormon organization, Mormons have never made a serious attempt to end the practice. Now is a good time to show their "good faith" in ending this practice by coming forward and supporting the women and children who have been liberated from the pedophiles. The Mormon organization has the money to aid these unfortunate victims and should use it to help the victims integrate into society.

Stay tuned and watch as the responsibility for these victims is placed squarely on the shoulders of society at large and not on the Mormon organization which has done nothing but wink at this practice since it was outlawed.

[nodano]

The Mormon church has condemned polygamy for over a hundred years, longer than women have had the right to vote in the United States. As this is one of the greatest misconceptions and sources of prejudice against the church, what possible motivation could they have for sheltering it?

Any splinter religion that practices polygamy is distinct and separate from the main Church.

I am a committed atheist living in a very Mormon area and trust me, Mormons are no different from you or me. They are normal people who happen to practice a minority religion.

[whillice]

Smug married?

Maybe it's more like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry pretends to be married to Coutney Cox so she can get discounts on dry cleaning. He loves beginning sentences with "My wife." "It's a great way to begin a sentence!"

[littlejohn1]

Haha -- you're right; I didn't even tink of that! Maybe the wife is just a front!

[gopackers]

Jerry -- I hear you, man. I agree with Dr. Vranich -- if your boy doesn't come back down to earth soon, you may never get him back. I've had to stop inviting a few of my buddies over because not only would they talk about their wives all the time, but they would usually bring them along. Which would be fine if these ladies were sports fans, but they would usually just sit around complaining the whole time. Who wants that?? Maybe I should have nipped it in the bud early on instead of losing them as friends.