Get in Line, Miley: Study Finds 1 in 4 Women Would Date a Man 15 Years Her Senior
Disney's Golden Child Miley Cyrus is dating an older man? Heavens, first naked pictures and now this? I know what comes to mind -- those creepy polygamous cult pictures of thin, nondescript, middle-aged men holding bonneted Laura Ingles-like tweens at their sides. Or the "granddaddy" of them all, 63 years his gal's senior, J. Howard Marshal, his birdie little frame and pink bald round head looking something like the triplet runt next to his young wife's exuberant twin "girls."
Well, wrong on both counts. Miley's new man has not even finished growing, probably still has some teen acne, and shaves an average of once a week. He is only five years older, clocking in at a mere two decades compared to her sweet 15. It doesn't sound like much until you do the math. He is 33 percent older than she: when she was five, he was double her age -- hence, their romance is making headlines.
The flip side is that if Miley and Justin make it past her junior prom, their age difference will diminish in importance, even though they still won't be amongst the majority of Americans, most of whom marry partners who are within three years' age difference -- up or down -- of each other (59 percent of the married population). Over the last few years I've had an increasing number of women dating older -- and sometimes significantly older men in my practice. Noticing this trend, a colleague of mine and I conducted a study: We asked 100 women their opinions on age and dating and found that they are much more open-minded than you'd expect. Their open-mindedness got wider with age, thus opening the "date span" or breadth of the age range of men they'd consider dating, until age became, well, just a number.
Try it: mention the topic, and you'll find that at least one coworker in the next office is a dating a man almost a decade her senior. You saw them at the Christmas party and didn't notice the age difference at all -- thanks to cosmetics, medical advances, and the fact that baby boomers are the fastest growing population to jump back into the dating pool and remarry, maybe for a second or third time. In the new blockbuster, Nights in Rodanthe, Richard Gere and Diane Lane's characters finally find true love in a second marriage.
Now to clarify, I'm not talking about your midlife-crisis-stereotypical toupeed, convertible-driving boss dating his new college grad secretary. I'm talking about women, whether they are 15, 25, 35, or 45 years old, considering older men as possible spouses and going after them. And it's not like these guys are going to be sugar daddies. Many of these men have child support and alimonies to take care of, aging parents, and their own financial woes. They just make good partners.
Dating the Older Man: Consider Your Differences and Decide if He's Right for You (September 2008; Adams Media) is about just that. I'm not saying there are gals lined up six deep at nursing homes, but could 41 million women be wrong? Forget the cabana boy -- it's the dapper divorcee across the pool with his teenagers that your soon to be ex-wife is eyeing.
More statistics from the Grashow/Vranich study:
--Over 62% of women would date a man 10 years older than they are. One out of four said even 15 years' difference was fine.
--What makes that older guy attractive as compared to the younger one? #1 response was: "Being worldly, or having had more life experience." The runner up: "Being able to better communicate emotionally."
--What are the things she worries about when considering an older guy? She isn't worrying about sex, inability to relate to things her age, hair loss; however, she is looking at his skin and muscles, as well as his "ability to talk to her as an equal."
--In bed, how long he can keep an erection isn't a priority. She wants more foreplay and more stimulation, but not necessarily longer-lasting intercourse.
--From whom does she most want acceptance (regarding her relationship with an older man)?
o Her family and his kids were the two most important.
o His ex-wife and his friends were last.
--Her biggest concern in dating an older man:
o That she'll have to nurse him in his old age.
o That people will mistake him for her father. (She's not worried that he won't want to get married or people will think she's a gold digger.)
Interestingly enough, in ancient Greece, the age discrepancy was usually 15 years, with women marrying at age 15 when they hit puberty, and men at age 30, when they got out of the military.
*** Journal of Marriage and Family (1981). Both sexes are more apt to marry an older person at the age of 50 than 30 (same pattern in other countries).
http://www.jstor.org/pss/351348
**** At least in my office and in Norway it seems (in a 2005 article: http://www.ssb.no/english/magazine/art-2005-01-31-01-en.html). This was explained because of traditional age differences. There is more variation in both directions at the beginning of the 1970s. However, this trend began to reverse along with women's increasing education levels and participation in the labor force, more liberal abortion laws, better contraception, and the increase in cohabitation outside marriage.
*****The traditional age mating gradient is most likely to change in women over thirty years old, and in second or third marriages, as per a Florida study: http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/119472715.
******Evolutionarily speaking, bipolar disorder and autism broken sperm aside, it's older men who pass along the extended fertility gene into offspring of both sexes.
******www.myspace.com/datingtheolderman
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1457264549
*******Two out of three divorces are initiated by women.
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As long as everyone involved is an adult, who cares? I have known marriages which lasted decades in which the woman was the older partner, although it seems to usually be the other way around.
Children should play children's games, but when they experiment with sex, it should be with someone about their own age. The likelihood of emotional scarring is much greater when adults get involved with young people sexually. Illegal and immoral, and rightly so.
Yes, yes! Older guys make better dancing partners, conversationalists, dinner guests, partners. It hasn't changed since I was 16. My peers were always jerks; the college guys were the ones. And it has continued. Guys in their 20s and 30s are boring, boring, self-centered, commitment phobic. Boy, does it take them a while to grow up!
That's what I've always found interesting when this issue comes up. The arbitrary nature of the laws in this area. I mean who gets to decide if 16 or 18 or whatever it is, is the age of consent? Who says that's when a child becomes an adult capable of consent? Maybe it's 21? Maybe it's 14? But more likely, maybe it varies from individual to individual. I have very mixed feelings about the legislation of things like age differences in relationships. If you don't know that you're sleeping with a child, then no law is going to be able to help you -- or the child.
I don't find those laws arbitrary at all -- they are clearly in place to protect children from predators and those predators should most certainly be punished to the fullest extent of the law. There is a reason statutory rape is labelled as such. Children under a certain age coming under the influence of a pernicious adult cannot be expected to consent in the same way an adult would. They need to be protected, and the law is the only way to do that.
This is nothing new. It's usually tied into the fact that girls achieve emotional maturity faster than boys. Still, the age gap results in the senior partner having to constantly explain recent history to the junior partner. "Yes, honey, there was an entirely different show featuring Frasier Crane called 'CHEERS.'"
But in Miley's case, the gang at THE SOUP said it best: it's still a felony!
Yeah, I'm dating a younger woman for the first time, and let me tell you, if you want to feel old . . . and that's really what does it. The constant blank looks I get when I reference something in pop culture that I'm used to my friends just "getting." Then I realize she wasn't even born, or was in diapers, when that show or band or whatever was popular. Then I start to wonder if I am a criminal . . .
Use this test from here on in: ask her "Who played Sonny Crockett?" Keep her if she says "Don Johnson," leave it at a one-night stand if she doesn't know what you're talking about, and use your discretion if she says "Colin Farrell."
I think the Norway study linked at the end of this post speaks to that. There seemingly has always been at least a slight age gap, on average, with men traditionally marrying younger women. What I think is really interesting to look at is when this is reversed -- when older women marry younger men. I think people get even more up-in-arms about this because it's so uncommon. So does that mean the woman is remarkably immature or that the man is exceedingly mature? I guess it depends. But those questions are usually the first to pop into my mind.
It's linked more to the fact that they're both hitting their sexual peak.
Just call me old fashioned here but there's a huge difference from a maturity standpoint between age 15 and 20.
Right. And you have to wonder about a 20-year-old who would want to sleep with a 15-year-old child. I think that speaks to a larger issue than just Miley dating an older man. She is only 15. I think it's her boyfriend we should question.
As a man, 15 years younger is about the maximum age difference I'd consider, although I might stretch the limit a little if a really mature 40 yo woman comes along.
I'm still healthy, IYKWIM, but eventually you gotta come up for air, and if a woman can't hold up her end of a conversation, what use is she?
Um, I'm guessing by your comments that you are around 60 years old. I am 30. I'm not saying I would necessarily date someone 30 years older than me, but it's insulting that you insinuate that anyone under 40 would be unable to hold an intelligent conversation with you. I do get differences in life experience, etc. but that is just ageism. I think people put way too much emphasis on age in general. I have almost never, in my life, had a circle of friends who fits entirely into my age group -- not even close. I prefer to surround myself with people from all walks of life -- and that includes all ages and generations. I think life is much more interesting when we can all experience each other as equals. I do believe in respecting my elders and venerating age and experience -- I'm not suggesting that there isn't a certain amount of wisdom that can only come with age -- but age does NOT necessarily equal intelligence. It just means you've been on the planet for a few more years.
Nah. Wisdom don't have nothing to do with it. I know less now than I thought I did when I was 20.
When you get more than 15 years age difference, you just don't speak the same languages. You just don't have the references to understand the jokes, and it's just not worth it, if I have to explain everything.
Interestingly, almost every woman I know between the ages of 25 and 55 (myself, my mom and step mom included) are dating or married to an older man. I always attributed it to how long it takes guys to grow up. Dating younger all to often seems like dating a child.
It makes perfect sense to me that a successful woman like Miley Cyrus who - because of her fame and fortune- is most likely more mature (or at least as seen more of the world) than the average 15-year-old, would be attracted to an older man. It still is however, illegal for them to consummate the relationship. The law and biology (or is it societal trends?) don't always measure up.
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