Polyamory: The New Monogamy?
The opposite of monogamy -- quick. Polygamy, right? Wrong. Polygamy is when one man has many wives (often with bad handmade dresses and a fierce need for some eyebrow threading). The correct answer is: polyamory -- literally, "having many loves." Doesn't sound bad in theory - lots of love, right? However, it seems that monogamy is something we hold in very high regard. Before you start your nasty email to me, calling me a home-wrecking "whore with a pen" who wants your husband, let's make it clear that I am writing this in response to hundreds of my clinical patients over the years who have been in my office asking if it's normal to be monogamous. "Why is it so hard?" they ask. "Does a long monogamous marriage equal a good marriage?" My personal opinion is irrelevant, really. We discuss boundaries, truth, guilt, safety, respect - the things your Maury Povich trailer park swingers tend not to do on day-time TV.
I talked about this with Neil Cavuto on Fox TV, who sneered at my answer that "it's better to have a truthful relationship, where both people are happy, and that is not monogamous, than one that is supposedly monogamous but is full of lies and guilt." Or a monogamous relationship that is bored and resentful but, gosh darn it, we are the emblem of a successful marriage even if we haven't had sex with each other since World War I.
While I've sat across from couples that are either "healing from infidelity" or negotiating kooky rules like "no kissing on the lips or hook-ups in the same zip code," fact is, thanks to the Internet, there are a lot of "updates" happening related to "swinging." But let's stick with the term "polyamorous," which sounds more romantic and less like a circus act. I finally interrupted one patient to ask where the polyamory bulletin board was in the library. This young, professional Manhattanite scoffed, "Ever go out with a guy and --sure you know you can relate as far as movies, books, three things you can't live without, you play coy for a date or two, then sleep with him, only to find that he doesn't like oral sex (and you do), and he loves anal sex (and you don't)?" She didn't pause for an answer, thankfully.
The answer? Rather than Match.com or Nerve.com, a more 'adult' site asks those questions and cuts out a lot of time consuming dinners and chit chat that might lead to the fact that he insists on full Brazilians, you won't give up your landing strip. "Lets face it," she adds "Patterson's 'bilateral cheating' was actually an open marriage."
Sites like Adultfriendfinder.com and Passion.com actually have their fair percentage of singles looking for another single who doesn't mind cutting out the anticipation of not knowing genital anatomy size ("Hell, everyone else waited and all that it's gotten them is a 52% divorce rate and desperate housewives. We have to make some new rules").
In the name of science and being up on my pop culture (and widening my vocabulary to include terms like bi-curious and "soft" swap), I logged on. If only our voting system could have a small percentage of the organization, rules, and clarity of these relationships! "Have some manners and call or write my wife the next day" lists one man in a couple who swing together. That sounds reasonable. "If you don't have basic hygiene down, don't bother emailing me." Again, something I've wanted to say to a blind date or two. Testimonials with accolades and even photo albums make the whole idea very nonchalant. For those who don't want skin-on-skin contact, plenty of members only want chats and video-camming - though I still haven't managed to visualize the tap-and-wank coordination. I'm sure there's a trick. Plenty of married men and women state staunchly, "I'm married and happy, not planning to leave my significant other." Some add that their "other" knows and takes the "don't ask don't tell stance"; others have elaborated a pretty damn sophisticated plan that only shows pictures of body parts and gives alternate email addresses. In most, I'm glad to see, condoms and safe sex aren't a question, they often a non-negotiable.
Is there a darker flip side to this, one where sexual addiction takes over or significant others find those cams and want a divorce? I'm sure. But many many other scenarios exist. "A guy I met last night has been happily married for 14 years," my patient quipped. "That is more than anyone I know!"
We didn't get to talk about how these experiences are making her question old rules and her own views of love and marriage (or singlehood) yet. She ends the session asking rhetorically, "Once you go polyamorous, can you ever go back? Do you want to?"
Don't shoot the messenger. Again, I don't want to sleep with your husband, or wife, or both. Shoot me an email with your opinion.
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Talking about polygamy itself, why is it any one's business if a man is foolish enough to marry multiple wives.
If they would just leave the 13 year old girls alone, nobody would give a rat's ass.
I'd hate to be one of the young girls forced to marry one of the old creeps.
Yes! Despite that the main religions' premise is essentially monogamy is species indigenous
Individuals abrogate "rules" for many reasons; I think we need to examine what is maybe against the natural world versus what is simply acting out.
This is a very complex topic, and I don't think one-size-fits-all.
Between consenting adults, I don't see anything wrong with polyamory per se, but I do question the opportunity cost of spending energy and resources outside a primary relationship, simply because energy and resources are limited. It's hard enough to develop a relationship of mutual respect and regard with just one person, much less many people. I think that's why polyamory is not a cultural norm. If you have enough energy and resources to support a polyamorous lifestyle, more power to you. You're blessed many times over. However, I do believe greater intimacy, mutual respect, and personal growth happen within a primary relationship when we commit to keeping energy and resources in it.
Where do children fit into this? It seems to me that the stability of monogamy is better for them than many partners floating in and out of their lives. Given a choice, children prefer their parents to be happily together, and happiness in marriage. as in all relationships, requires some compromise, humility and self-sacrifice. Sometimes the better choice is thinking of others and the effect one's actions will have on them rather than simply considering one's own desires.
Given that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and the children wind up with a step-parent or five, and the number of single mothers, who are not removed from the dating market, what is the difference?
In a Poly family a child will often have 3 or more adults looking after and loving them. And often it means more stability as when a Poly relationship ends, 1 of 3 or more adults (33% or less) leaves the family, as compared to Mono relationships where 50% of the parents leave.
"happiness in marriage. as in all relationships, requires some compromise, humility and self-sacri
Indeed it does. And in a Poly relationship with even more people there is an even greater need for them. The standard Poly mantra on the secret to a successful relationship is "Communicate, communicate, communicate".
Sure, there's a good chance that monogamy isn't the only option out there - a lot of other apes don't seem to attached to the concept. However, we've retained all our basic primal urges which can be quite dangerous and we make up rules to protect the greater whole from them. I think marriage and monogamous relationships are part of this, as our human rights, life is sacred, etc. We like to think we've escapes a lot of emotion and primitive behaviors but we haven't. People are naturally jealous creatures, and this has always seemed like a dangerous area to me. They say the right things about honesty in a relationship, but I always can't help but wonder if it's people treating life like a big sale, and the one with the most at the end wins.
Thank you Dr. Vranich!
Honesty in relationships, what a concept! First, I will qualify by saying that I am happily monogamous, but have good close friends who are poly-amorous and they are happy too. Long ago I learned that it's not whether you're one or the other but can people be HONEST with each other in relationships? Two or more truly consenting (not one or more being coerced and secretly resentful of the idea) adults engaging in honest fulfilling relationships would take us eons out of the dark ages of "faith based" (or should I say faithless really?) concepts that serve only to heap shame and guilt upon people just to keep them towing the line (and payingl those tithes) Wow! Imagine no more lies or betrayals or at the very least the greatly minimizing of heartache? What kind of world would it be? Fewer wars? Prosperous happy people willing to share and share alike not just in relationships but in resources, education, taking care of one another?
Why, it boggles the mind!
I like the way that you (and Dr. Vranich) emphasize that everyone is different as to what is "natural" and what is not in this respect. For some people, it IS completely natural to be monogamous, and I think for those (lucky?) souls, it is important that they find someone who matches this persuasion. For some, monogamy is as foreign as another culture or country -- they have tried to mold themselves into this social norm, and have often been slapped with bad reputations and veritable warning labels as a result. I think compatibility and the recognition of individuality are key.
In your scenario, you stayed away from other women because it would hurt your wife. But what if it wouldn't? What if she was 100% OK with it? What if it would have actually turned her on a bit (or a lot)? Would it be OK then?
I think the article is suggesting exactly what you said. If sleeping with someone else is going to involve a betrayal of trust then you shouldn't do it.
I think many people love their wife as much you do yours. But they don't equate monogamous sex with love. They can love each other and still play with others. Maybe they choose to play with others alone or together. Either way it is their choice and so long as everyone is a consenting adult the rest of society should be happy that they found something that works for them.
Oh dear just the thought of an additional husband just about puts me in my grave.
Haha! I'm with you Philly! I can't imagine having the time or energy for another relationship outside of my marriage. As for allowing my husband to have another woman . . . well, do women ever really know what their husbands are doing? I mean, I think there are a lot of marriages that are sort of "open" in a don't ask, don't tell kind of way, but I guess that falls outside the discussion we're having here about honesty and communication in these situations . . .
It's interesting how much we fetishize monogamy, when it "works" less than half the time, and those numbers don't include couples who stay together unhappily. My husband and I have had an extraordinarily good marriage for 37 years, but we are completely free to have feelings for other people and to act on those feelings if we choose. It is a complete non-issue in our relationship and in fact it has enhanced our marriage. There is a wonderful short story by Amy Bloom called "Love Is Not a Pie" in the collection, "Come to Me," that wonderfully illustrates the richness this kind of loving can bestow on a life. And for a brilliant, often hilarious, critiique of monogamy, read "Against Love," by Laura Kipnis (it's not against love, by the way!).
Polyamory is the natural state of the human condition although its proper practice requires extraordinary communication, sensitivity and patience and presents serious scheduling and logistical problems. Monogamy as a legal concept, ie paternity and property issues, remains essential in an open society. Serial monogamy benefits only divorce lawyers. Polygamy, as we now see, is a male dominated religious aberration to no good effect. Be with the ones you love. Love the ones you're with.
i'm really impressed with the eloquent, genuine and well thought-out comments to this article.
Well the times do suggest change. There is an old rhyme that seemed to cover the amorous proclivities of the two (last count) sexes:
Higamus, hogamus, woman is monogamous
Hogamus, Higamus, man is polygamous
Polyamory seems to suggest that sauce for the goose is sauce for rhe gander, thus:
Higamus, hogamus, woman is polyamorus
Hogamus, higamus, so is man.
No, it doesn't rhyme.
I've just been through a divorce that had as much to do with sexual boredom and the allegiance to monogamy as anything else. Acceptance of polyamory would have likely saved the marriage.
I heard about an anthropological study that indicated cavemen and cavewomen paired up for about three years. That three year figure seems to resonate with a lot of people in discussions about when the sex gets stale in a marriage.
The cultural and societal assumption that it is even possible (let alone desirable) to remain monogamous in a marriage of a lifetime bears serious and explicit re-examination. Judging from divorce rates and the number of marital counselors in the phone book, one would have to conclude that monogamy is not a natural state. It was on this topic that Bertrand Russell, writing in 1929, stated,
“Moral rules ought not to be such as to make instinctive happiness impossible”
Some ideas take a long time to arrive, while others take a long time to dissipate. We are still enduring the heritage of the Puritans.
This is a really interesting topic, and one that people should not take lightly. I think romantic relationships are a constant test of one's ethics, as it seems as though sometimes the world is a virtual candy store of options. I think before we even deal with the question of whether or not to open a relationship, it is important to analyze for oneself why you want to do that. I don't want to judge or speak for anyone else. I think this is a very personal decision, and that the mores of society shouldn't dictate this question. However, I think it is very important to always be true to yourself, and check your motives constatantly. If you feel okay, all the way to your core, then you know this is a lifestyle for you. If it makes you feel like a bad person, if you are lying, or treating this as some kind of game, then you need to check yourself and figure out why you need to do this to yourself, and the other people involved.
"If it makes you feel like a bad person, ...."
Unfortunately, most everything we do to fulfill instinctive sexual desires (ones that millions of years of evolution have hardwired into us) we are also programmed to feel guilty about by far more recent cultural forces, particularly religion. This is the sad fact. Men want to have sex, often, with as many females (or males in some cases) as possible. That is not a statement of my moral values, but rather a simple biological fact. When society can come to grips with this and incorporate it into the social fabric, we'll all be better off. Until then, we suffer the guilt, the lying, the divorces, etc.
Please don't sell women short by implying that only men seek a diversity of sexual partners. The lie that women do not equally enjoy and pursue sex is a constant message in our culture, both subtle and overt. And it's just that, a lie.
> "If it makes you feel like a bad person, ...."
>
> Unfortunately, most everything we do to fulfill instinctive
> sexual desires... we are also programmed to feel guilty
> about by far more recent cultural forces,
Yes indeed. But here's the rub: You can feel guilty because of cultural training, OR because you are actually doing something bad. Or simply because you are doing something that, while not bad, is just not right for you. It takes a lot of self-awareness and serious thought to distinguish between these possibilities.
One of the reasons I like polyamory, and the society of successful poly people, is that it forces you to confront such matters and work them out.
It really is like swimming beyond the surf. Those who don't drown are either naturally good swimmers, or made a serious point of learning how. Not for everybody.
Isn't marriage just about ownership and property anyway? I think every couple should be free to decide this question. I think the whole "morality" aspect of monogamy is weird. I mean, there's the disease factor, so that's important, but otherwise -- do what feels right to you! Just becuase you are married or in a relationship doesn't mean you own the other person. Just because you can have relationships with more than one person doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone is different, and every marriage is different, and the sooner we accept this, the sooner we'll stop flagellating ourselves and just be free.
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