Sex Every Day? How Men And Women Differ On The Idea

This past week on the Today Show, Tiki Barber asked Dr. Ian Kerner* and me about the book 365 Nights: A Memoir Of Intimacy. In the book, a woman gives her husband the gift of sex every day for an entire year. Most male friends I've talked to about it light up, then in a matter of nanoseconds look crestfallen. The responses vary from "365? With anyone he wants?" to "A year? Every day? Just with her?" The initial idea, lots of sex every day, sounds good. Then reality sets in: it's sex with the same person every single day. Ev-er-y single day. Now same-person sex with a hot bedfellow on a regular basis is great--don't get me wrong. And you calling the shots as far as whatever you want to consider "sex" that day ("I'll have a BJ today, Honey") or with whatever variations you want ("How about the French maid outfit today, sweetie?") may work, but I don't think that that is what the author had in mind.

Needless to say, I listed the obvious downsides on air: it would become a
chore, like anything else you have to do regularly--laundry, bathing, food shopping. The only upside that was really interesting to me was the fact that if you do have problems the bedroom, you'd be forced to fix them. If the "gift"
were for a week or even a month, well, anyone can get through lame or even just average sex for that amount of time. But think, day 95, day 140, day 240...you have to start being creative and really communicating; it's like the sex version of "Survivor." Alone on a island with your spouse for a year, and the prize requires you to copulate every day. Weirder shows have happened.

So, how would this play out in your life? If you had a pact with your spouse to have sex every 24 hours for a year. What would you want?

Summarizing from my male patients, when it comes to sex, here's what they want:

1. Sex with same person, but having her be "the freak" she was when they met.

2. Sex with same person, but have her initiate and "mix things up" so that she sort of has different sexual personas.

3. Sex with other people, because if it were really a "gift," it would mean variety in the most honest sense.

Female patients:

1. Sex with as much physical/intellectual foreplay as the sex they had in the beginning.

2. Men to read their minds about what they want rather than having to instruct them.

3. Not to have sex when they are tired or stressed, or have too many things outside the bedroom to focus on/worry about.

4. Not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy (fat, bloated, unshaven).

5. Not to feel guilt about preferring to take a nap then have sex, rather than sex then nap.

Since climaxing is not a given for most women, the idea of novelty isn't usually all that appealing. Ask any gal pal who is dating men: she'll fantasize about the "friends with benefits" before she will about a different guy every night. One woman summarized it, "If you have to 'work' to find good sex or mold your man into a good sexual partner, then the last thing you want to do is go find another clueless man to bed (or one who anatomically just doesn't work for you)."

So you put these two animals together, throw in a bunch of rigid social rules, and cross your fingers and hope it works. That's why we have show after show, magazine article after magazine article, on making it work/ keeping it hot/blah blah.

A few simple rules that I've heard myself giving men over and over now for years (and for those of you expecting me to tell you to buy the sex swing chair, you'll be disappointed):

1. Spontaneity isn't the answer. Don't grind up on her and whisper in her ear about what you want to do to her while she is washing the dishes. She's scraping leftover meatloaf off the kids' plates and trying to figure out how to get 18 things done and still get to bed and have 7 hours of sleep before going to work tomorrow. Now there are 19. Oh joy.

2. Don't buy her gimmicky sex toys or sadistic lingerie. The 20-year-old that sold you the fake diamond-studded g-string thinks it's "hot" but fact is it's a 50-cent thong with glass bits (something you don't want near your genitals or anyone else's) sewn into it by some small child missing two fingers trying to make $1.25 a day. We'll wear it once then wish we had the $59.99 to spend on something else. Plus, to us it reeks of: here is yet something else I want you to do for me....I don't care/didn't realize your labia majora doesn't fit into this tiny triangle of itchy lace
comfortably.

The number one rule for both sexes in keeping things hot: Do stay polite**. Do groom just for each other. Bo-ring. Yeah, but it's the truth. Man or woman, the one thing each yearns for and misses is that the other continues to care about their own appearance simply just for their partner. Then notice. Keep the manners you had when you started dating; they wane if you don't, and all of the sudden you find yourself being that couple in mismatched sweats, using the sleeve to wipe snot off your kid's nose in the mall. Sexy.

*Check out Passionista and Sex Detox, two books I recommend often by Ian Kerner.

**This obviously won't make your relationship spicy, but it will keep at bay what couples talk about as feeling "taken for granted," and their other getting "frumpy." Also, I'm not knocking sweatsuits in any way.

Comments

[riotforchange]

I'm gay. I'm all for having equal rights to marriage and all the misery it provides. Of course. Every human being on the planet should have equal rights. But wow. I kind of can't believe that my brothers and sisters are lining up to replicate this dynamic. It will be interesting to see how the inclusion of marriage changes things in our community. I mean, we already have "lesbian bed death" to deal with. Sounds like marriage will take that concept to a whole new level.

[ouroborous]

Interesting that polyamory is still so taboo in our culture. The men mentioned that they wanted sex with multiple partners.

I think that any woman who doesn't know that her man wants to have sex with other women is naive. It's not about a competition; it's not that the other woman is "hotter" than you, and certainly not because we're "in love" with her. It just seems to be something about male nature (and evolutionary psychologists explain it quite neatly: for men, there is greater evolutionary advantage in having many mates, for women it is more advantageous to be choosy). As a man, I'm guessing that many women think about it too.

I think that an honest discussion about this topic would help society a *lot*. If we could get past the old Christian mores and acknowledge that it doesn't ALWAYS have to be "one man, one woman," we'd be a lot happier as a society, and a lot healthier.

Of course, polygamy has its own challenges, such as STD's and pregnancy -- please, use a condom. Also, many people find it hard to maintain a relationship without the glue of fear and insecurity to hold you together.

It has to be honest... polygamy without a discussion with your significant other has another name: cheating.

But all in all, I say, the more the merrier. I still really wonder why this option is so culturally taboo...

[rachelchanteuse]

I couldn't agree with you more.

[EuroDude]

Yes, you are right about genetic makeup - male wants to spread his seed as much as he can - and female wants the best seed. That determines their behavior. You get it right for man's instinct is to have multiple partners. But you missed the female point of view. She not only wants the best seed genetically, but wants a dependable provider for her and her brood. And other females are serious threat to that - therefore she would never agree. Also notice that man are generally very open minded about them having multiple partners, but very intolerant of their mate to have even one other partner than him. No male wants to provide for other male's children (unless with his prior consent as a trade for quality female). That's why men are more jealous than women.
To sum it up - men want harems, women want faithful, handsome King.
That, however doesn't stop them from sneaking in "quality' genes from hansom stranger.
The so called morality is a social contract, which neither side will voluntarily break to their disadvantage.

[Lalita]

Ouroborous and EuroDude, nicely said...both of you! Men and women do have a very different take on extracurricular relational activities with very different results.

[ibsteve2u]

I had to come back and read the comments again today...sadly, there is still a dearth of comments that note the closeness and intimacy that sex provides.

I begin to think that more and more people see "the act" as being entirely a "gift"...or even a "duty".

lollll...and yet prostitution is still illegal, most places...the human mind is a wonderful thing.

[littlejohn1]

Yeah, that might solve this problem right then and there!

[ruscle]

Now I see why Gay marriage is so threatening to straight people. Two guys seem more compatible with each other in this respect.

[spartacus275]

Amen

[kassandrasduplex]

This article reads like a guidebook on convincing men to date men. How can the obvious differences between the sexes, well enumerated here, ever be resolved!!

[photojane]

Someone should do a study on whether something like this works better than or as well as traditional couples' counseling.

[gopackers]

So has anyone read this book, 365? How did the experiment turn out?

[EuroDude]

I haven't read the book - but I was living it for most of my life. With every single longer term partner I used to have sex at least once a day. More when I was single. With my first wife we had a sex every day, twice a day on weekends, BJ in middle of period. That lasted 18 years. (With my second wife we have rather exceeded that. Then it dropped in certain age.)
It was all based on one simple principle - nobody will refuse sex, unless seriously incapacitated. Excuses like "not in a mood", "headache", etc. were not acceptable.
And this was agreed on at the beginning of each relationship.
This eliminated use of sex in potential power game. It was kind of - "you scratch my back and I scratch your back" idea, and to try to do it on expected level. In other words, try to please your partner the way they like it. And of course , there were conflicts of desire (e.g. different favorite positions, etc.) and in those cases we took turns. => tbc

[EuroDude]

(...part 2)
And because of that, I have practically never experienced that power game in sex, the tug of the war, withdrawal of favors and retaliation for that - which is so common in today's relationships. (And possibly a major contributing factor to so many broken marriages.) We would have other problems - but not in sex. And since sex reflects into at least 50% of one's life, we have avoided a major frustration area in our lives. And perhaps because of that, I was never bored sexually with any partner even after many years. I wasn't always monogamous, but boredom wasn't reason for it.
The truth is that I pity people who get bored with one partner after some time.
I think they lack imagination and compassion.

[johnbkk]

How about simply wanting to make your partner happy? Some people make giving pleasure to your husband sound like the worst possible chore in the world. Weird how strange people have become.

[photojane]

There's a man at my dharma center who has been married to his partner for 40 years. Whenever anyone asks him how they do it -- he just simply says, "cherish your partner. Please her. Put her above yourself at all times. If you do that, you will have a happy marriage." He says that regardless of whether he's talking to a man or a woman, so of course that statement tends to ruffle some feminist feathers. But I think his point is -- if both people are on the same page with that, what an incredible marriage that would make!

[artsandcrafts]

Well, that is totally dependant on the state of your marriage. I think for some women, sex is the worst possible chore in the world, added to a whole host of chores she has to do throughout the day that she resents. I think some woman feel like all they do is give, and if they have a partner who doesn't really care about her pleasure, sex becomes just another "selfless" act.

[cruisepuppy7452a]

I think anyone who sees sex as a chore is in the wrong relationship. When I was married I never once saw sex a a chore, even after a day of caring for the baby, working full time, doing the chores, housework, cooking, ect. It was special time to reconnect. It was a chance for both my then husband and I to get closer, have mind blowing sex, which relaxed both of us after a long day. HOw can anyone see this as a chore? I am divorced now and in a new relationship after 10 years of divorce, I am in a relationship with a man whom I adore. fully plan on keeping a smile on his face, and the chance for us to reconnect constant. I will not become one of those women who refuses to have sex with her husband, or partner, that is so selfish, mean, and cheats both of you. Dumb. Ladies, you can learn from this.

[WasteNJ]

I couldn't help but notice how many of the female patients were looking for excuses NOT to have sex...

Married men have warned me in the past... were they right?

[OhComeOnNow]

Yech!

[dadw5boys]

Would women be this sexually agressive without the GROWTH HORMONES in the food supply????

[gopackers]

Giving her husband the gift of sex doesn't sound like sexual aggression to me.

[mooph]

"In the book, a woman gives her husband the gift of sex every day for an entire year."

I like the idea of sex being a gift a couple gives each other, but the above statement seems a bit ... weird ... as if only one person is participating in the giving process.

[Hockenheim]

I did not really enjoy sex much for the first 19 years I was married (to the same woman). I watched her have the fun and I would think "Is that all? Is that all there is for men? What a cruel joke nature has played on men." My wife would always complain that I wanted sex so much and I could never get any satisfaction. After I was stationed in Germany (in the Army) I started to figure out part of the problem. In a German bathhouse you bathe in the buff with German men. I got many stares at my member. Turns out, American men are many times more likely to be circumcised then European men. After digging for answers, I finally found out that circumcision removes so much of the pleasure of sex for men that we are dysfunctional sex partners. This little bit of knowledge has helped me immensely to understand myself and help my wife to understand me. To be misunderstood as a sex partner is not a pleasant thing. Do your homework and inform yourself.

[coltraning]

please...there is zero evidence outside of the anti-circumcision fanatics. for what you state Leaving aside that circumcision reduces the risk of AIDS by 70% (see WHO, among many others) and penile cancer and other STDs by 80%, since boys are circumcised as infants, there is not one credible baseline as to sexual satisfaction for cut versus uncut. Sorry you don't enjoy sex, but , like billions of circumcised men, I do...Do your homework and inform YOURself.

[mooph]

Circumcised men may be at lower risk for penile cancer, although the disease is rare in both circumcised and uncircumcised males. Although some studies indicate that the procedure might offer an additional line of defense against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), particularly HIV, the results of studies in this area are conflicting and difficult to interpret.

In January 2007, The American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) stated "The effect of circumcision on penile sensation or sexual satisfaction is unknown. Because the epithelium of a circumcised glans becomes cornified, and because some feel nerve over-stimulation leads to desensitization, many believe that the glans of a circumcised penis is less sensitive. [...] No valid evidence to date, however, supports the notion that being circumcised affects sexual sensation or satisfaction."

[mooph]

Oh, and by the way, WHO recommends circumcision because of poor hygiene practices and lack of readily available medical care in certain areas of the world.

[Hockenheim]

This is a ridiculous statement. I would never wear a condom since I lacked so much sensitivity. With a condom, I might as well not bother. So had I been promiscuous my risk of contracting STDs would have been much greater than an uncut man wearing a condom. Further, the rate of penile cancer is so low it is about the same as deaths from infections resulting from circumcision. There is a heap of pro-circumcision propaganda on the internet, mostly coming from America. However the rest of the world outside of muslim Asia is natural. What can be better than natural?

[mooph]

Sensitivity is subjective and individual.

In January 2007, The American Academy of Family Physicians (AAFP) stated "The effect of circumcision on penile sensation or sexual satisfaction is unknown. Because the epithelium of a circumcised glans becomes cornified, and because some feel nerve over-stimulation leads to desensitization, many believe that the glans of a circumcised p[...] is less sensitive."

Sorry for the edit above -- mods seem to reject posts that contain certain words.

[lisakaz2]

That explains a lot to me. Thanks.

[WasteNJ]

Brother, are you sure you'd really want it the other way...?

The circumcision myth is way overstated. I don't want to offend but I would hate to not be, and I am not, shall we say, "dysfunctional". Maybe there's something else going on, or maybe you haven't found that "person" that really does it for you. It's not always the person most guys end up marrying.

[EuroDude]

I think that Hockenheim is on something here. I am European and I am not circumcised.
I have read somewhere that (apart from question of sensitivity of circumcised penis head) there are lots of pleasure nerves in the foreskin itself. Which are lost in circumcision. At one time in my post teenage years I wished to be circumcised, because I thought that it would enable me to prolong the intercourse :)
Later I learned it to do it by will power.

There might be also a bit of orgasm envy on the part of men. If one observes a woman having two, three (sometimes more) thrashing screaming orgasms beneath you - and you end up with one ejaculation - you can't help being bit jealous.
The only solution is to move into the realm of altruistic pleasure. In other words - I would draw my pleasure from hers.

[EuroDude]

One more think - I think that reasons usually given for routine circumcision in America are based on believes rather than any real science. It is like the case of appendix - it was repeated so many times that it is a useless relic of evolution. Even presented as health threat to such degree that healthy people were undergoing the preventive removal of appendix. And low and behold the little bugger turned out to be useful after all :)

[Tom2stk]

Amazing how before a committed relationship, sex 24/7 is not an issue. Once commited financially, it drops to zip. Gentlemen, you don't need to be in a relationship. There is no advantage for you. Just you sacrificing half of everything you own to get out of a relationship, or living in agony for the rest of your life..

[Cathexis]

How sad ... conflating "a relationship" into only two aspects: Sex and Money," and then assuming they are mutually exclusive.

If the only thing you want out of a relationship is sex, you're right: You shouldn't get married. There are cheaper alternatives and you'll keep some woman from being miserable.

However, for those who have the depth to recognize sex as one of many benefits to a relationship, then a whole new world opens up.

PS: Sex prior to my committed relationship was not 24/7, it hasn't dropped to "zip" afterwards, and currently we both contribute financially -- neither of us "sacrifices" anything.

[gypsy508]

As a guy who is poor but relatively hot I can attest that casual affairs is all I get anyway. Women want the sex and I have good repoire with them but when it comes to relationships, they want the money.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

“Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’.”
– Rodney Dangerfield