Sex Every Day? How Men And Women Differ On The Idea
This past week on the Today Show, Tiki Barber asked Dr. Ian Kerner* and me about the book 365 Nights: A Memoir Of Intimacy. In the book, a woman gives her husband the gift of sex every day for an entire year. Most male friends I've talked to about it light up, then in a matter of nanoseconds look crestfallen. The responses vary from "365? With anyone he wants?" to "A year? Every day? Just with her?" The initial idea, lots of sex every day, sounds good. Then reality sets in: it's sex with the same person every single day. Ev-er-y single day. Now same-person sex with a hot bedfellow on a regular basis is great--don't get me wrong. And you calling the shots as far as whatever you want to consider "sex" that day ("I'll have a BJ today, Honey") or with whatever variations you want ("How about the French maid outfit today, sweetie?") may work, but I don't think that that is what the author had in mind.
Needless to say, I listed the obvious downsides on air: it would become a
chore, like anything else you have to do regularly--laundry, bathing, food shopping. The only upside that was really interesting to me was the fact that if you do have problems the bedroom, you'd be forced to fix them. If the "gift"
were for a week or even a month, well, anyone can get through lame or even just average sex for that amount of time. But think, day 95, day 140, day 240...you have to start being creative and really communicating; it's like the sex version of "Survivor." Alone on a island with your spouse for a year, and the prize requires you to copulate every day. Weirder shows have happened.
So, how would this play out in your life? If you had a pact with your spouse to have sex every 24 hours for a year. What would you want?
Summarizing from my male patients, when it comes to sex, here's what they want:
1. Sex with same person, but having her be "the freak" she was when they met.
2. Sex with same person, but have her initiate and "mix things up" so that she sort of has different sexual personas.
3. Sex with other people, because if it were really a "gift," it would mean variety in the most honest sense.
Female patients:
1. Sex with as much physical/intellectual foreplay as the sex they had in the beginning.
2. Men to read their minds about what they want rather than having to instruct them.
3. Not to have sex when they are tired or stressed, or have too many things outside the bedroom to focus on/worry about.
4. Not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy (fat, bloated, unshaven).
5. Not to feel guilt about preferring to take a nap then have sex, rather than sex then nap.
Since climaxing is not a given for most women, the idea of novelty isn't usually all that appealing. Ask any gal pal who is dating men: she'll fantasize about the "friends with benefits" before she will about a different guy every night. One woman summarized it, "If you have to 'work' to find good sex or mold your man into a good sexual partner, then the last thing you want to do is go find another clueless man to bed (or one who anatomically just doesn't work for you)."
So you put these two animals together, throw in a bunch of rigid social rules, and cross your fingers and hope it works. That's why we have show after show, magazine article after magazine article, on making it work/ keeping it hot/blah blah.
A few simple rules that I've heard myself giving men over and over now for years (and for those of you expecting me to tell you to buy the sex swing chair, you'll be disappointed):
1. Spontaneity isn't the answer. Don't grind up on her and whisper in her ear about what you want to do to her while she is washing the dishes. She's scraping leftover meatloaf off the kids' plates and trying to figure out how to get 18 things done and still get to bed and have 7 hours of sleep before going to work tomorrow. Now there are 19. Oh joy.
2. Don't buy her gimmicky sex toys or sadistic lingerie. The 20-year-old that sold you the fake diamond-studded g-string thinks it's "hot" but fact is it's a 50-cent thong with glass bits (something you don't want near your genitals or anyone else's) sewn into it by some small child missing two fingers trying to make $1.25 a day. We'll wear it once then wish we had the $59.99 to spend on something else. Plus, to us it reeks of: here is yet something else I want you to do for me....I don't care/didn't realize your labia majora doesn't fit into this tiny triangle of itchy lace
comfortably.
The number one rule for both sexes in keeping things hot: Do stay polite**. Do groom just for each other. Bo-ring. Yeah, but it's the truth. Man or woman, the one thing each yearns for and misses is that the other continues to care about their own appearance simply just for their partner. Then notice. Keep the manners you had when you started dating; they wane if you don't, and all of the sudden you find yourself being that couple in mismatched sweats, using the sleeve to wipe snot off your kid's nose in the mall. Sexy.
*Check out Passionista and Sex Detox, two books I recommend often by Ian Kerner.
**This obviously won't make your relationship spicy, but it will keep at bay what couples talk about as feeling "taken for granted," and their other getting "frumpy." Also, I'm not knocking sweatsuits in any way.
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This excellent essay reminds me of two things:
1) How uncommon "common" sense is; and
2) That Woody Allen classic scene on how men and women always want it -- he says "twice a day," she says "twice a week."
'Gift' of sex everyday? You've got to be kidding me? First of all- is this woman a 19 year old cutie? If she is a saggy 39 year old then it's not a 'gift'. It's a torture. Second of all- is this husband a 19 year old man who needs to drain his prostate every day? If the man is over 35- let's face it, sex every day is a torture.
huh??? over 35 torture??? what planet are you from?
Saggy 39 year old? Sounds like someone's wife got fat. Not everyone lets themselves go after they get married.
Time together will get the juices flowing. 15 hours per week, no matter how hard it is to find this block of time, will increase intimacy (closeness, friendship) and thus increase the desire for women to have more sex and for men to treat it other than just a release. Don't let children, jobs, housework, sports, or friends interfere with the 15 hours of together time. You plan the time one week, let her/him plan it the next. Time together is key.
Men and women may differ on the idea...but couples who's individuals happen to have libidos geared for daily multiple orgasms are happy to compliment one anothers drives for more.
Keep this in mind folks...qu
Wow she seems to have boys and men mixed up!
Men want sex when they feel good and are content with life.
Boys will hit anything that is alive if it holds still long enough.
There are a lot of big tall boys out there pretending to be men.
Know the difference.
Sex every day?
Seems to me that, as with most hypothetical generalizations, it all depends upon the people involved..
I'm as pro-sex as the next person. But let's hope that the women (or men) who commit to this goal never get sick, don't suffer from any tragic news (death in the family, serious illness of loved one, major issue with a child, etc), and plan to spend 365 days in a row within close proximity to their spouse (no business trips, solo visits to a friend, or boys night/girls night after work). It is a tall order.
I firmly believe that sex is a key component to a happy marriage (for most people). If many people were getting the kind of sex they want/need (permission to fantasize, try new things, while also respecting their partner's limits) their quality of life would surely improve.
But, with this plan, it sounds like quantity over quality. Does the wife get a "sticker chart'? Each night she achieves the goal of gifting her husband with sex, she gets to put a cool smiley face on the calendar?
I'll stick with a general priortization of the act...as in: let's make sure it happens as regularly as possible and not always put it at the bottom of the priority list. (I really can declutter the closet later or let the laundry go one more day.) But there are also days (or even weeks) when one or both partners is very legitimately uninterested and this needs to be respected, too.
geez Loril, you're making too much sense here. I do like the idea of the smiley face stickers though haha, that was a good one. Maybe you can use gold smiley faces for the really special things, and some neutral faces for the nights that things were just so-so. I say leave it out too, maybe on the refrigerator, that would really help break the ice when company comes over.
Nice post! Makes sense to me...
God, I barely even think of sex as part of my marriage anymore. I can't imagine making a committment like this. I wonder what would happen . . .
I think if you have a spiritual connection with your partner, sex ceases to be a problem. So does the lack of it, but good and frequent sex can actually be an outgrowth of an active spiritual life. Being physically active helps too. Not too many people who are overly sedentary have a very active and healthy sex life, in my experience.
Exactly... My significant other and I have an incredible spirituall connection, and sex is never an issue. To be honest, I am male, and I don't even view sex with her as sex.... It's something much stronger and more intimate. We have it every day (I think we have not had it 5 days in the last 3 months) and it is nothing close to boring. We have it at all times of the day, morning, lunch, after work, bedtime; whenever the mood strikes. She never says no to me and I never say no to her. We have a very healthy, strong relationship and couldn't be happier.
Interesting that nonmonogamy hasn't even entered into this conversation -- at least not in a legitimate that-might
I tend to agree with you, definitely, although I admit its just a personal preference, some people might be wired differently.
Oh absolutely. Like some have posted that they're still hot for their partners after years and years, etc. I think most would read this as "they've found the ONE." Which obviously they have. But for some of us, there isn't a ONE, and when we try to force that -- sexless misery.
Yeah, I think the concept of a woman "giving her husband the gift of sex for a year" is really interesting. Why isn't it a gift for the woman too? I think if your sex life is so unbalanced that the woman has to "give" her husband sex in a way that sounds this self-sacrificing, there's a problem.
Part of the reason is our own fault; some men follow women around like puppy dogs in hopes that should she feel benevolent, she will allow him to touch her or maybe if he's really good, actual sex. I don't think it happens that much any more, but some women (and men) use sex as a means of control. But that's a whole other topic....
lol.. exactly... I am just happy I found someone I can control with sex.. She controls me with looks and behavior and I control her with sex...
I think this plays into a really antiquated concept that women are't supposed to enjoy sex. It isn't "ladylike.
Ahhh!! Sex every day for 365 days! After reading a few of the responses I am afraid to say that I would welcome it. In fact, my lovely wife allows it - me to have sex, with her, every day and as many times as I want.
I seduce her, I play with her, I tease her, and then I enjoy the immensely the number of times that I can get her to have an orgasm. I love making love to my wife and I am addicted to the many muscular contracts that occur during each of her orgasms - and I am 64 years old.
I have been this way all of my life. My Mother chastised me at 27 because I had a sticker on the dashboard of my '71 Camaro that said "Sex Relieves Tension"! Sex is only good when you can both enjoy it without reservations. I have always put the women in my life first making it possible for relationships to last both in bed and out of it.
'..allows it' ???? What else are you 'allowed' to do..take out the garbage? Wash the car? Maybe iron the clothes? My compliments to your wife, she's done a good job 'training' you...
How old is your wife and how much $$ do you make!
I totally understand
I wonder if there is a heterosexual couple anywhere that could have sex with each other alone for a year straight. Most men don't want to get near a woman during her menstrual cycle so i guess that shoots it down for about 99.9% of men. Vaginal sex only? Oral sex? Anal sex? Safe sex? Dry sex?
That's because most men forget that magical object that makes the cycle completely moot:
The shower. Turned up real hot so it's all steamy. Oh yeah.
every day? i like sex as much as the next guy, but 2-3 times a week at most is really plenty. that much sex every single day would probably cause chafing!
Not with two lesbians..
A farmer goes to a 4-h show with his wife. Theyre checking out a prize bull and the owner says....he
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