Sex Every Day? How Men And Women Differ On The Idea
This past week on the Today Show, Tiki Barber asked Dr. Ian Kerner* and me about the book 365 Nights: A Memoir Of Intimacy. In the book, a woman gives her husband the gift of sex every day for an entire year. Most male friends I've talked to about it light up, then in a matter of nanoseconds look crestfallen. The responses vary from "365? With anyone he wants?" to "A year? Every day? Just with her?" The initial idea, lots of sex every day, sounds good. Then reality sets in: it's sex with the same person every single day. Ev-er-y single day. Now same-person sex with a hot bedfellow on a regular basis is great--don't get me wrong. And you calling the shots as far as whatever you want to consider "sex" that day ("I'll have a BJ today, Honey") or with whatever variations you want ("How about the French maid outfit today, sweetie?") may work, but I don't think that that is what the author had in mind.
Needless to say, I listed the obvious downsides on air: it would become a
chore, like anything else you have to do regularly--laundry, bathing, food shopping. The only upside that was really interesting to me was the fact that if you do have problems the bedroom, you'd be forced to fix them. If the "gift"
were for a week or even a month, well, anyone can get through lame or even just average sex for that amount of time. But think, day 95, day 140, day 240...you have to start being creative and really communicating; it's like the sex version of "Survivor." Alone on a island with your spouse for a year, and the prize requires you to copulate every day. Weirder shows have happened.
So, how would this play out in your life? If you had a pact with your spouse to have sex every 24 hours for a year. What would you want?
Summarizing from my male patients, when it comes to sex, here's what they want:
1. Sex with same person, but having her be "the freak" she was when they met.
2. Sex with same person, but have her initiate and "mix things up" so that she sort of has different sexual personas.
3. Sex with other people, because if it were really a "gift," it would mean variety in the most honest sense.
Female patients:
1. Sex with as much physical/intellectual foreplay as the sex they had in the beginning.
2. Men to read their minds about what they want rather than having to instruct them.
3. Not to have sex when they are tired or stressed, or have too many things outside the bedroom to focus on/worry about.
4. Not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy (fat, bloated, unshaven).
5. Not to feel guilt about preferring to take a nap then have sex, rather than sex then nap.
Since climaxing is not a given for most women, the idea of novelty isn't usually all that appealing. Ask any gal pal who is dating men: she'll fantasize about the "friends with benefits" before she will about a different guy every night. One woman summarized it, "If you have to 'work' to find good sex or mold your man into a good sexual partner, then the last thing you want to do is go find another clueless man to bed (or one who anatomically just doesn't work for you)."
So you put these two animals together, throw in a bunch of rigid social rules, and cross your fingers and hope it works. That's why we have show after show, magazine article after magazine article, on making it work/ keeping it hot/blah blah.
A few simple rules that I've heard myself giving men over and over now for years (and for those of you expecting me to tell you to buy the sex swing chair, you'll be disappointed):
1. Spontaneity isn't the answer. Don't grind up on her and whisper in her ear about what you want to do to her while she is washing the dishes. She's scraping leftover meatloaf off the kids' plates and trying to figure out how to get 18 things done and still get to bed and have 7 hours of sleep before going to work tomorrow. Now there are 19. Oh joy.
2. Don't buy her gimmicky sex toys or sadistic lingerie. The 20-year-old that sold you the fake diamond-studded g-string thinks it's "hot" but fact is it's a 50-cent thong with glass bits (something you don't want near your genitals or anyone else's) sewn into it by some small child missing two fingers trying to make $1.25 a day. We'll wear it once then wish we had the $59.99 to spend on something else. Plus, to us it reeks of: here is yet something else I want you to do for me....I don't care/didn't realize your labia majora doesn't fit into this tiny triangle of itchy lace
comfortably.
The number one rule for both sexes in keeping things hot: Do stay polite**. Do groom just for each other. Bo-ring. Yeah, but it's the truth. Man or woman, the one thing each yearns for and misses is that the other continues to care about their own appearance simply just for their partner. Then notice. Keep the manners you had when you started dating; they wane if you don't, and all of the sudden you find yourself being that couple in mismatched sweats, using the sleeve to wipe snot off your kid's nose in the mall. Sexy.
*Check out Passionista and Sex Detox, two books I recommend often by Ian Kerner.
**This obviously won't make your relationship spicy, but it will keep at bay what couples talk about as feeling "taken for granted," and their other getting "frumpy." Also, I'm not knocking sweatsuits in any way.
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I think we should re-frame the question.
Would people (both men and women of all gender persuasions) want to have a nice orgasm every day?
Of Course! How about feeling close and connected? Yes? How about appreciated? Listened to? Praised? Supported? Women are not just their "nether regions" and men are not just a wallet.
There are many ways to have a fulfilling sexual expression in a relationship and you don't have to "do the deed" to have it.
Too many women have had to settle for "friends with benefits" because too many men don't have the first clue about how to please a woman. And yes there's a vice versa but I've known guys who faked it too.
Nobody should have to fake it.
I think you're right but it seems pretty mythical to actually expect such a thing.
Are you serious? I have known how to please a woman since I was a teenager. I am 55 years old, and no woman I have ever been with has not had an org@sm, seriously! How does a guy fake it?
wow another 'sex god' has arisen! How could you make it to 55 and not know that men can and do fake it..perhap
And you've been with exactly how many women?
LOL! and LOL! again. I imagine that most of the women who have always had an orgasm have faked it on ya, bub!! You so funny!!!
I hear men complain about their wives not being as "into it" as they were when they were first dating. However, women have the same complaint. Not as much play. Not as much wooing. If you want to keep it going, it takes not taking each other for granted. Turning off the lights is not foreplay. Tell him that he is a stud and then treat him that way.
I am a woman and I want sex every day, all day. However, with a family and a career, life gets in the way. Sex is not a chore, it is a shared release and connection. Intimacy can be achieved without having an orgasm or needing to "close the deal". Though a good quickie before work or at lunch time keeps it going on too!
Well put geekgurl, you made some salient points! Probably more worthwhile advice here than the entire book put out by the alleged 1 yr couple.
You're just horney. Have a couple of kids, it'll all change.
I saw that story, the sex every day thing and another one I think sex every day for 2 months or something and I had to laugh, out loud too, a real LOL; although I'm probably not laughing as much as the authors as they go to the bank cashing their checks, if anyone really buys this drivel. For one thing, who knows if they even really did it? I say put it on you tube, if anyone could stay awake for the snoozefest. C'mon people, wake up! I agree with the author here, who wants it? And since when is it a 'gift' from the wife to a husband? If I was married (and hopefully I'll stay out of that trap) and my wife presented it as a 'gift' I think I'd tell her I'd like a few 'gifts' from some other people. How anyone would ever buy something that was pure 'figmento imaginationo for profito' is beyond me. I'd honestly sooner watch paint dry if I had to do one or the other. I'm a 36 yr old male, single and happily so, just so you know where I'm coming from. But hey, if anyone finds this garbage actually helps them in some obscure way, great! Just let me know who you are so I can stay farrrrrr away from you....
Screw that ;)
Finally! A comment with a sense of humor! Hysterical!
So humans are lazy regardless of gender and want everything to be ideal and easy.
So what else is new?
A good hard spanking on her bottom works for us.
MY PERSONAL BEST...
Five times in one 24-hour period. I'm sure lots of Huffpost types can probably better that but I accomplished this minor feat at age 57 -- kind of like running a mile in, oh, I don't know, 6-7 minutes when you're that age?
You animal!
Call me...
Why not go 10 times and make it a 3 minute mile? Imagination is a wonderful thing...
I bet he did and I think all you guys are sooo jealous... Sonny really worries me. He feels compelled to comment on darn near every post. Either somebody needs to make an appointment with his urologist or is just plain not gettin' any....
Sure you did pops.
And.......
Companion photo: modified side saddle?
I wish I had something of substance to add to this discussion. I have learned that it is the operator and not the equipment that is most important.
"2. Men to read their minds..." Men will never understand women who place so much importance on lucky guesswork.
Well if the guy is at all smart, then telling him once or twice should suffice and he'll KNOW what to do.
"5. Not to feel guilt about preferring to take a nap then have sex, rather than sex then nap."
I am sooo on board with that!
Smart is one thing, clairvoyant is another. Besides, if a woman can't be bothered to even say one or two words, then clearly 'what she wants' is not terribly important to her.
For some strange reason, it reminds me of a scene from "St. Elsewhere":
Doctor: "Are you sexually active?"
Female patient: "Nah, I just usually lie there."
My husband and I have been married 8 years, been together for 9, and have had sex every day during those 9 years. We have 5 kids (he 2, I one from a former marriage, together we have 2 kids, 6 and 7) We always take time for it - don´t wait for the "mood" or the time to present it self - sometimes the sex is long and passionate, sometimes just a quickie. Either way - we love every minute of it!
IF YOU EVER GET DIVORCED..
(Doesn't sound likely) give me a call! I really think that's the whole idea. Sex is, among other things, a way of having fun together. Unfortunately, I think a lot of couples feel that it has to be this heavy "romantic" thing complete with dinner, candles, mood music, etc., etc., etc. And who's got time for that? If more people looked at it as ALSO a lot of the time just a "romp in the sack," fewer marriages would break up, I think. It's also this false "romantic" ideal of sex that causes a lot of people to look elsewhere than their marriage for it.
Every day? really? even on those two days when you had the kids? and the days immediately after? waitress? i'll have what she's having!
Of course! There is the delight of oral sex...
Really? What about after you gave birth to your children? Weren't you told to wait 6 weeks before you resumed activties?
I had a C-section. And again, there are more ways to have sex than just having vaginal intercourse.
Women want:
"Not to have sex when they are tired or stressed, or have too many things outside the bedroom to focus on/worry about."
In what world would this be possible? The only scenario that I can think of where a couple could sustain this situation would be if 1.) there were no kids in the picture; 2.) one partner had a stable, decent salary, non-executive job that required no more of their attention or time than 40 hours/week; 3.) a trust fund to fall back on should anything go wrong with the job and to provide the extra money to take care of any other of life's inevitable emergencies; 4.) near perfect health; 5.) be surrounded by understanding, well-adjusted families; 6.) both partners getting along perfectly, wherein neither gets pissed off at the other for any extended length of time; I could go on.
For those of us in the real world, where few if any of the above conditions exist, the idea of 'stress', as defined by the women in the relationship, being a barrier to sex means that sex comes very seldom. I think that many women have to adjust that requirement significantly if couples are to have better sex lives. Having stresses and other things on your mind simply cannot be a reason not to have sex. And yet....
I find it annoying how the females' complaint is as if it is so much work for her, like it's always an obligation for her to perform a duty FOR a man. It's such a frustratingly false subservient thing. The guy is doing most of the work in bed, most of the time, and a lot of guys obsessively try to work to get the girl off. It's wrong for her to think of it as a chore, and I wish the article would come down a little bit more evenhandedly for the girls then just lecturing the guys on how to change for the girl's needs, no matter how destructive.
I see your point. But sometimes it just seems like another thing to do to keep up around the household.
I think the point that is being missed is that women having time to HERSELF is the most rarest, precious commodity in a woman's day. Imagine if you were always constantly doing, moving, picking up, running all day, every day. Take a look at the woman in your life. I will bet she is a blur of constant movement doing things around the house. You probably don't even notice how much MOVEMENT goes on because you are used to it. The thing she's probably wanting? A minute to sit and read. An hour to do her painting or drawing, a half hour to knit the cuff on the sleeve of that sweater she's been knitting for the past two years. I will bet she still has sex more often than she has those moments.
In short, she puts herself dead last, even though it may seem to the man in her life like sex is dead last.
If that's how you view a relationship, I don't even see the point. Everyone works all day, everyday, then in the evening you are either intimate with your partner or you aren't. It seems like you are just rationalizing a distant, convenience-based relationship.
Amen!'
But...
If that man in her life treated her the way she deserves..
I am recently disabled, due in part to my insurance companies denying me the benefits such as surgery that my tests clearly indicate that I need [spinal injury from a car accident]. The resulting constant pain makes it almost impossible for me to get or maintain an erection. Add to that the facts that I can't support my body weight with my arms anymore and I can't hold still in one position for more than 5 minutes without being in pain.
In all honesty my marriage is falling apart over this. We argue all the time but it comes down to the fact that we are not as intimate with each other as we used to be.
365? Ha! I'd settle for one.
try alternative therapy like cranial sacral or cranial osteopathy. your insurance co might pay for it. check out upledger.c
good luck
this just goes to show...not only would single payer, government health care save money, and increase coverage, it would help us all get laid more, too!
tell obama screw the hmos, we wanna screw!
Relationships are not all about sex. Call me an idealist, but I would move heaven and earth trying to find a way to make this situation a way to be stronger. If the love is there, that never changes. Try honestly talking and make a vow to each other to never let this escalate to an argument.
I have such sympathy for you as I have a herniated disk and am not a candidate for surgery which really broke my heart to learn. I was so hoping for relief. I suppose if it effected my sex life (it effects my sleep which is just as bad), I would find a way to have "erotic sessions" with my husband with the aid of visuals and find a way to share again. I think you just need a couple of sessions of "success" to regain your confidence in the erection department.
I wish you luck.
By the way, I have had great pain assistance through acupuncture.
Never escalate an argument? Sounds positively Un-American.
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