Sex Every Day? How Men And Women Differ On The Idea

This past week on the Today Show, Tiki Barber asked Dr. Ian Kerner* and me about the book 365 Nights: A Memoir Of Intimacy. In the book, a woman gives her husband the gift of sex every day for an entire year. Most male friends I've talked to about it light up, then in a matter of nanoseconds look crestfallen. The responses vary from "365? With anyone he wants?" to "A year? Every day? Just with her?" The initial idea, lots of sex every day, sounds good. Then reality sets in: it's sex with the same person every single day. Ev-er-y single day. Now same-person sex with a hot bedfellow on a regular basis is great--don't get me wrong. And you calling the shots as far as whatever you want to consider "sex" that day ("I'll have a BJ today, Honey") or with whatever variations you want ("How about the French maid outfit today, sweetie?") may work, but I don't think that that is what the author had in mind.

Needless to say, I listed the obvious downsides on air: it would become a
chore, like anything else you have to do regularly--laundry, bathing, food shopping. The only upside that was really interesting to me was the fact that if you do have problems the bedroom, you'd be forced to fix them. If the "gift"
were for a week or even a month, well, anyone can get through lame or even just average sex for that amount of time. But think, day 95, day 140, day 240...you have to start being creative and really communicating; it's like the sex version of "Survivor." Alone on a island with your spouse for a year, and the prize requires you to copulate every day. Weirder shows have happened.

So, how would this play out in your life? If you had a pact with your spouse to have sex every 24 hours for a year. What would you want?

Summarizing from my male patients, when it comes to sex, here's what they want:

1. Sex with same person, but having her be "the freak" she was when they met.

2. Sex with same person, but have her initiate and "mix things up" so that she sort of has different sexual personas.

3. Sex with other people, because if it were really a "gift," it would mean variety in the most honest sense.

Female patients:

1. Sex with as much physical/intellectual foreplay as the sex they had in the beginning.

2. Men to read their minds about what they want rather than having to instruct them.

3. Not to have sex when they are tired or stressed, or have too many things outside the bedroom to focus on/worry about.

4. Not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy (fat, bloated, unshaven).

5. Not to feel guilt about preferring to take a nap then have sex, rather than sex then nap.

Since climaxing is not a given for most women, the idea of novelty isn't usually all that appealing. Ask any gal pal who is dating men: she'll fantasize about the "friends with benefits" before she will about a different guy every night. One woman summarized it, "If you have to 'work' to find good sex or mold your man into a good sexual partner, then the last thing you want to do is go find another clueless man to bed (or one who anatomically just doesn't work for you)."

So you put these two animals together, throw in a bunch of rigid social rules, and cross your fingers and hope it works. That's why we have show after show, magazine article after magazine article, on making it work/ keeping it hot/blah blah.

A few simple rules that I've heard myself giving men over and over now for years (and for those of you expecting me to tell you to buy the sex swing chair, you'll be disappointed):

1. Spontaneity isn't the answer. Don't grind up on her and whisper in her ear about what you want to do to her while she is washing the dishes. She's scraping leftover meatloaf off the kids' plates and trying to figure out how to get 18 things done and still get to bed and have 7 hours of sleep before going to work tomorrow. Now there are 19. Oh joy.

2. Don't buy her gimmicky sex toys or sadistic lingerie. The 20-year-old that sold you the fake diamond-studded g-string thinks it's "hot" but fact is it's a 50-cent thong with glass bits (something you don't want near your genitals or anyone else's) sewn into it by some small child missing two fingers trying to make $1.25 a day. We'll wear it once then wish we had the $59.99 to spend on something else. Plus, to us it reeks of: here is yet something else I want you to do for me....I don't care/didn't realize your labia majora doesn't fit into this tiny triangle of itchy lace
comfortably.

The number one rule for both sexes in keeping things hot: Do stay polite**. Do groom just for each other. Bo-ring. Yeah, but it's the truth. Man or woman, the one thing each yearns for and misses is that the other continues to care about their own appearance simply just for their partner. Then notice. Keep the manners you had when you started dating; they wane if you don't, and all of the sudden you find yourself being that couple in mismatched sweats, using the sleeve to wipe snot off your kid's nose in the mall. Sexy.

*Check out Passionista and Sex Detox, two books I recommend often by Ian Kerner.

**This obviously won't make your relationship spicy, but it will keep at bay what couples talk about as feeling "taken for granted," and their other getting "frumpy." Also, I'm not knocking sweatsuits in any way.

Comments

[freon500]

Great article Belisa.
Another thing to note is the way time is allocated and how sex is prioritized by women and by men. This is influenced by gender economics or by the lopsidedness of population ratios. Paradoxically if the ratio of women to men is lower women value sex less than when the ratio of women to men is higher. You get to see this in different geographic areas in the U. S. and also between countries. I've gone through periods of my life when no woman would have anything at all to do with me here in the U.S. but when I went to another country where the ratio of women to men was much higher. Well what do you know, not only were women interested in me in general but specifically they were eager to have a strong and satisfying sexual relationship. It was of high priority to them.

[AgentMacGyver]

Love the little joke about the kid in the sweatshop. Hilarious.

[mooph]

Something that struck me about the list of "wants":

One of the three men's wants is (at least partially) an "I don't want to work at it" desire -- have her initiate and "mix things up".

Three of the five women's wants are (at least partially) an "I don't want to work at it" desire -- men to read their minds; not to have sex when tired, stressed, etc.; not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy (fat, bloated, unshaven).

The first of both are a sort of "I just want to lay back and enjoy it" sentiment. The second and third of the women's are predicated on being "in the mood" ... and wasn't that point of the 365 days anyway -- must do it once a day regardless?

[pcplz]

To expand on 'not to have sex when they aren't feeling sexy'.....­how about when they are sick or ......

"you throwing up honey? I'll bet sex will cure that!"
"your broken leg is hurting...­.if you give me a blow job it will take your mind off of it!'
"you just had your gall bladder out.......­.if I just do it from the back you will feel better"
"you have been up for 24+hours with the sick kids?...Ok­ay, just lay there I will be quick....

I DO wonder why he is my x husband...­......

put another log on the fire......­...

[ivorytower54]

Actually, sex would be good for those health problems:


In the following are some of the statements for which you can find scientific references at http://www.reuniting.info/science/research:

· frequent hugs between partners associated with lower blood pressure and more oxytocin

· touch and psychological support are health-promoting due to increased oxytocin

· oxytocin strongly protects organs from damage due to blood infection

· kissing may have positive implications those with allergies

· oxytocin speeds wound healing and reduces pain

· oxytocin counters addiction and soothes withdrawal symptoms

· massage aids detoxification for alcohol, oxytocin rises during massage

· oxytocin positively affects health and counteracts stress

· oxytocin reduces anxiety and stress

· less oxytocin results in more aggression and less caring

· oxytocin regulates cell proliferation and inhibits breast and prostate cancer

· oxytocin increases the receptivity of females

· oxytocin imbalance may underlie impotence and alleviate erectile dysfunction

· patients with autism and psychiatric disorders improve with increased oxytocin levels

· oxytocin involved in learning and memory

[mooph]

Um ... ok.

[Zaius]

This topic hits so close to home I could comment endless paragraphs, but I'll narrow it down to just two comments:

I couldn't help but note that 3 of the 5 "wants" of the female patients begin with the word "Not". I think this says a lot about women's perception of their role in the sexual relationship.

My wife reads all manner of self help books (not about sex or relationships, but usually physical health stuff) and tries to get me to read them or follow their principles. If I try to refer her to either the Kerner or Gottman books, she'll likely be put off by the fact that both authors are men. Obviously, men generally want sex more often than women. If a man actually wanted sex every single day, and the woman would rather it be perhaps once a week (or less), is there a fair compromise which doesn't push the woman into an obligation she'd rather not uphold? I have no idea how to initiate a conversation about this with my wife without sounding like an ass. I'll definitely pick up the aforementioned books, and I appreciate the suggestions of this article & comments here.

[GalaxieGal]

Zaius,

I too wish a compromise could be made, we are in the same situation. My issue is the sameness of it. What other hobby do you have that you continue your whole life? I've tried to spice it up with lingerie and such, but it almost seems to scare my hubby into a stupor. It's gotten to the point that I dread the same ole same ole and would be happy if it was once or twice a year.

[Gma11]

John Gottman is the finest researcher of relationships, IMO. With his bachelor's degrees in math and natural sciences, he came to the social sciences with a strong foundational background. His research is multi-trait, muli-method, and longitudinal.

I have students in my "Families and Intimate Relationships" classes read his paperback "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." I tell them if they only read one book on relationships, I would want them to read this one. I recommend it highly.

Gottman notes that the people he has researched are the marriage experts. He is not. Over the decades his research has indicated people want primarily two things from their relationships, love and respect. And the key to "success" is a deep friendship.

[MrFiskar]

ITS QUALITY,NOT QUANITY!!!!!!!!!!

[Evelyn]

None of these Romeos worry about being able to get it up 365 times out of 365? Must be a young crowd.

[Darsan54]

Speaking for the male of the species, yea, we do worry about it.

[azyuwish]

This must be why we have an Erectile Dysfunction epidemic in our society, at least according to the TV commercials.

As to the side effects, "four hour erections" bring 'em on! My husband USED to actually have those when we were dating (and he was only 28 of course). Sex, six times a day, I was in heaven.

Now, six times a month is the norm (after twenty years of marriage). Only occasionally do we get our "freak" on and it is maybe 3 times in a night.

I agree with the poster who said "love and respect" and deep friendship. Those are the essential ingredients and most satisfying for the soul.

[111]

LOL - young and no life stress either.

It sounds like only she is cooking, washing dishes, taking care of the kids while she is holding a full time job. That isn't conducive to having even a half hour of passionate sex, especially if she has to fake it. Who wants to perform after a long and exhausting day?

If these guys could bring us to orgasm every time we have sex, just like we make sure that they do and only sometimes, we would want it as much or more than they do.