In political news, former Vice President Dick Cheney has made yet another public outcry against President Obama, claiming Obama's recent haircut is a sign of "letting the terrorists win." While all Presidents in history have received haircuts -- even in times of unrest -- Cheney was adamant about distinguishing Obama's...

In political news, Democrat-turned-Independent Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman has announced that he will filibuster with the GOP if the Democrats propose Subway or Panda Express for the Senate lunch this week. Lieberman claimed that the Democrats knew he wanted Dominos, and that he even relented last week when they forced...

In golf/domestic abuse news, Tiger Woods, who has been tight-lipped about the odd occurrence the other night, has now publicly displayed disappointment about his wife's club selection. Elin Nordegren, Woods' wife, reportedly used a pitching wedge to smash the SUV as Woods pulled away, however Tiger has claimed that he...

In football news, the struggling Cleveland Browns have decided to shake up their starting offense by replacing the inconsistent QB Derek Anderson with a heaping pile of shit. The move comes as little surprise since Anderson, who has thrown 9 interceptions while only completing 2 touchdowns for the Browns this...

In technology news, the worlds of overbearing parents and their slutty offspring have finally collided with the release of the iSlut. The iSlut is an easy-to-use iPhone application that enables parents to keep track of who's sleeping with their slutty daughter.

"It completely...

In political news, former Republican Governor of Alaska and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin has hit it rich again in the book world. Despite the November 17th release of "Going Rogue: An American Life" -- her tell-all book about her political rise -- Palin has already decided to "write" her...

In international election news, the Afghan presidential election is heating up, and won't be decided until the very last fake vote is cast. Current Afghan President, Hamid Karzai, was seen as the favorite to win the obviously corrupt election, but his opponent Abdullah Abdullah, recently challenged the incumbent by miraculously...

In White House news, upon hearing about the six-year old boy from Colorado who flew away in his parent's helium balloon, President Obama decided to escape the mounting pressures of being president by setting off in the Presidential helium balloon. Sources say that Obama departed the White House at 4...

In political news, Republican Senator from Maine, Olympia Snowe, has publicly decided to sign the Senate Finance Committee's health care bill, controversially depriving the United States of its poor health care. While others praised Snowe for her vision and bravery to cross political lines, Republicans were outraged at Snowe's decision...

"The fruit stand guy has a nicer cell phone than I do" has long been a running joke in my family. It is also, in a weird un-fruit-like way, reflective of our current, crazy society. America is great because the fruit stand guy can have a cell nicer phone then...

I knew this day would come, when I would make the news. Granted, I thought I looked a little fat in my New York Times profile, but I've heard that "human fear" adds fifteen pounds -- especially when you're part fission, part fusion.

For years, I was an underground secret....

Who am I? Maybe I should introduce myself. My name is "Malignant Lung Cancer." Yeah, nice to meet you too.

Let's talk about this Swine Flu. I get it, the Swine Flu is spreading and it could potentially kill you. Yeah, great. Big f*ckin' deal. But if you want to...

In education news, a recently conducted study showed that 83% of children who play educational video games wrongly believe that "education leads to success." STAThead, the company who also conducted the study that linked violent video games to adolescent violence as well as lawnmower sales to pre-teen pregnancy, felt it...

In technology news, after the popular email provider Gmail "crashed" recently, it forced thousands of various spammers to awkwardly approach potential customers in person. Before the "crash," spammers merely hid behind the anonymity of their scantily-reflective email addresses, but since Google was unsure of when Gmail would be "up" again,...

In political news, the Republican Party has reportedly placed an advertisement on Craigslist which reads "looking for inspirational black guy to run for President in 2012." While on the surface it may seem like a desperate and even illegal method to recruit Presidential candidates, the Republican Party has been scrambling...

The unemployment rate, which has reached a startling 9.6% of the country's population, has not only had a drastic effect on blue collar Americans, but also anti-American terrorists who secretly live within the United States. President Obama, who is already being scrutinized for his other progressive plans, has pushed the...

In political surgery news, former vice president Dick Cheney is set to have spine surgery this week in order to install a functional spine in his formerly spineless body. Cheney, who has suffered from back problems and a "unique brand of douchebaggyness" his entire life, is hopeful that the surgery...

In entertainment news, hours after actor/dancer Patrick Swayze was pronounced dead from his long-time battle with pancreatic cancer, the dead Swayze announced that he plans to take the time to respond to each of the millions of fan's condolences through Whoopi Goldberg's Twitter account. Swayze, who was best known for...

Even though Kanye West did successfully interrupt Taylor Swift's modest and grateful acceptance speech, he later admitted that he actually had a full-length speech that he unfortunately did not have enough time to give.

Here is Kanye West's full-length speech:

"Yo Taylor, I'm really happy for you, I'll let you...

INT./EXT. WHITE HOUSE HELICOPTER HANGAR - NIGHT

A uniformed ORDERLY uses a walky-talky near the hangar door. On the airfield, a transport helicopter is being readied.

ORDERLY
Hello. Hello, radio tower? Kennebunkport helicopter taking off in ten minutes. East runway. Visibility: 100 miles....