11/19/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dick Cheney's Spine Surgery to Install Much-Needed Spine in Formerly Spineless Body

In political surgery news, former vice president Dick Cheney is set to have spine surgery this week in order to install a functional spine in his formerly spineless body. Cheney, who has suffered from back problems and a "unique brand of douchebaggyness" his entire life, is hopeful that the surgery will fix his long withstanding afflictions.

"It's actually been a pretty popular procedure lately," said Dr. Backam, the doctor who will perform spinal surgery on the "spinally-deprived" Cheney. "Over the past few months, a whole variety of egotistical, narcissistic, and of course, spineless Republicans have opted for this spine surgery. As a doctor who strives to not only help people live better lives, but also provide a general sense of hope, I feel that giving these people spines is doing the entire country justice. Once Dick [Cheney] has a spine, I am not only confident that he will have a quick recovery, but more importantly, will soon become a useful, and positive part of society for the first time in his life."

The surgery is a much more simple procedure than one would think. It merely entails slicing an opening in the patient's back, and placing a spine where normal, politically-sane, and spined-humans have a spine. Even though the surgery itself is simple, its results are political revolutionary. Within the past week, there have been numerous "spinally-improved" Republicans who have switched their views on health care, the direction of the economy, and general attitude towards "black people."

When asked if patients felt an immediate change to their lives post-surgery, Dr. Backam replied, "Yes, most of our right-winger patients have briskly switched their once Bible-hugging, "me! me! me!," and clinically psychotic stances, to ones which actually provide relief to the general masses. It's a very rewarding feeling knowing that a simple procedure, like installing a spine, could have such a drastic effect on these formerly spineless politicians."

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