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President Obama to Address Staggering 68.5% Unemployment Rate Among People Named "John"

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In unemployment news, President Obama is set to address the American people after what has been historically the worst unemployment percentage for people named "John." Unlike mainstream America, where the unemployment rate is just 9.7%, "John's" across the nation have been coping with a staggering 68.5% unemployment rate.

"The amount of unemployed people named 'John' is astounding," said Department of Labor Secretary, Peter Bishop. "What is most troubling is that it has exceeded the 60.3% unemployment rate of the 1931 'Great John Depression' -- which was previously deemed as impossible. Regardless, we're confident that President Obama will be able to solve this serious 'John' problem."

Despite the bleak outlook for people named "John," President Obama pointed to the comparatively lower unemployment rates for people named "Jon" or "Jonathan" as a sign of encouragement.

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