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Ben Berkon

Ben Berkon

Posted: October 17, 2009 03:08 PM

Republican Senator Olympia Snowe Controversially Decides to Deprive Country of Poor Health Care

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In political news, Republican Senator from Maine, Olympia Snowe, has publicly decided to sign the Senate Finance Committee's health care bill, controversially depriving the United States of its poor health care. While others praised Snowe for her vision and bravery to cross political lines, Republicans were outraged at Snowe's decision to help millions of uninsured Americans, calling her act "the highest form of progressive and logical treason America has ever seen."

"Her decision to help people is an abomination," said former vice-president Dick Cheney. "Doesn't she realize that the $900 billion the country will now be spending on health care will virtually ruin any chance of bombing completely innocent countries, building churches on every street corner, and funding the snacks for our weekly Bridge night? If Michael Steele doesn't get his Oreo cookies, he's an emotional mess. But she doesn't want nor have to deal with that [... and woman aren't even invited to our Bridge night]."

"I can't believe that bitch betrayed my trust," said Utah Senator Orrin Hatch. "All ten of us Republicans on the committee took a blood oath, promising that no matter how much health care this bill supplied struggling American citizens, that we wouldn't let it get in the way of our agenda - whatever that agenda may be. But she went against her word, and crossed over. Snowe is dead to me, dead."

Despite Snowe's decision, there are still many obstacles in the way before the bill can be passed. Some of these obstacles involve the inclusion of hundreds of proposed amendments, the idea of the "the public option," and lastly, convincing Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, that Snowe's vote still counts even though she is a woman.

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