11/09/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Bush Administration -- a Casablanca Ending (a Short Script)



A uniformed ORDERLY uses a walky-talky near the hangar door. On the airfield, a transport helicopter is being readied.

Hello. Hello, radio tower? Kennebunkport helicopter taking off in ten minutes. East runway. Visibility: 100 miles. No fog. Disastrous Last Eight Years: undeniable. Thank you.

He hangs up and moves to a golf cart that has just pulled up outside the hangar.

MCCAIN, wearing a tilted Army hat, gets out while the orderly stands at attention. He's closely followed by DICK, who is wearing a trench coat and fedora hat.

Moments later, LAURA and GEORGE emerge from the rear of another golf cart.

Drive Mrs. Bush somewhere, this conversation is top secret.

Laura rolls her eyes.

Certainly Dick, anything you say.

The Driver drives Laura off in the direction of the helicopter. Dick takes two tickets out of his pocket and hands them to McCain, who turns and walks towards the hangar.

If you don't mind, call up Duck Tours, and confirm the two names.
And the names are Mr. and Mrs. George Bush.

McCain stops dead in his tracks, and turns around. Both George and McCain look at Dick with astonishment.

But why Laura? I thought this was going to be a guys-only thing.

Because you're getting on that helicopter with her.

George looks as though a twenty-syllable word has just appeared on a teleprompter.

I don't understand, Dick. What about you?

I'm staying here on Capitol Hill with McCain.

Dick's intention eventually dawns on George, who takes out a piece of beef jerky, and bites into it.

No, Dick, no. What's gotten into you? Last night we outlined the whole trip - from the white water rafting to the camp fire songs we'd sing. I re-strung my guitar!

-- Last night we said a great many things. From the beginning of the administration, you said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then and it all adds up to one thing. You're getting on that helicopter with your wife, and using these two tickets for that really fun Duck Tours thing in Maine.

But Dick, no, I, I --

-- You've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed in DC? Nine chances out of ten, we'd be forced to interview with Larry King. And even worse -- Glenn Beck. Isn't that true, McCain?

McCain puts check marks next to the Duck Tours tickets.

I'm afraid that's what most Republicans have resorted to lately.

You're just saying that to trick me. Like that one time you said we were going to Blockbuster, but you really took me to the dentist.

I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us we both know you belong in Maine without me. You can eat lobster, shout at immigrants with the locals, and learn how to swim with Laura. If that helicopter leaves the ground, and you're not with her, you'll regret it.

No, Dick, I need you.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and possibly after Jenna's first appearance on The Today Show.

But what about us, the "Bash Brothers?"

We'll always have Iraq.

But ever since we separated at that state carnival last year, I said I would never leave you.

And you never will. But I've got a job to do. Where I'm going you can't follow. What I've got to do you can't be apart of - mostly for security purposes and popularity sake. But my point is that it's time to bring the Republican Party back to where it was before you were in office -- still a very mediocre party.

George nods his head, and a single tear drips down his cheek. Dick puts his hand to George's chin and raises his face to meet his own.

Here's looking at you, Mr. President.

The helicopter's engine ignites, and the propellers start to roar.

Are you ready yet George?

(to Dick)
You were the best vice president a puppet like me could ever ask for.

You better hurry, or you'll miss that helicopter. And don't forget your Gameboy, you'll be bored to hell without it.

George nods as Dick hands him his Gameboy. George glumly walks towards the helicopter.

George boards the helicopter, and Laura fastens his seatbelt. The helicopter takes off, flying over McCain and Dick.

That was an interesting career move. You could have just gotten away, never to be seen again. All of those political failures traded for hot sun, sandy beaches, and a hunter's galore.

How could I resist sculpting another presidential candidate. My services are needed here - not in some far-away paradise.

So you're on board for 2008? You think you can help me steal the election from Obama or Hillary?

That election is ours. That is, unless you really muff it somehow...

I already have a great vice president in mind. I can't wait for you to meet her!

Johnny boy, I think this is the beginning of a dangerous friendship.

McCain and Dick walk off into the distance together.


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(Also, check out Dan McNamara, he created that poster. His sites are and