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Ben Cohen

Ben Cohen

Posted: December 19, 2008 01:16 PM

10 Ways To Spot a Neo Con


In my latest installment of 'Top 10' lists, I thought I would compile a post that would be of use to the general public. Bashing Republicans and Democrats is good fun, but 'How To' lists are slightly more practical in our confusing political environment.

Over the past 8 years, we have learned that threats to our national security do not consist of Iraqis, Weapons of Mass Destruction, gay marriage or 'Welfare Queens', despite the Bush Administration's insistence that they do.

The greatest threat comes from a cabal of extreme imperialistic fanatics hell bent on attacking Arab countries and spreading McDonald's style capitalism around the world. Otherwise known as the 'Neo Cons', their relentless dedication to violence, reckless spending and incompetent governance has led to the catastrophic disasters in Iraq and Afghanistan, hundreds of thousands of unnecessary deaths, the disintegration of the economy and spiraling mistrust of government.

Apparently it's easy to spot the homosexuals destroying the fabric of American life (look out for groomed facial hair, tight pants and a weak handshake), Arabs (again, facial hair), and Welfare Queens (anyone who isn't white), but how do you spot a Neo Con?

Here's a how-to guide preparing you for the easily ignored sociopath:

1. The Neo Con is characteristically white and unathletic. Think Woody Allen meets Dick Cheney. Here's an example:
2008-12-18-wolfowitz.jpg

2. When discussing poetry, if the conversation keeps moving towards high powered weaponry, American military history, and the 'power of the free market', you are most likely talking to a Neo Con. Proceed with extreme caution.

3. The typical Neo Con has no actual experience in the military, or of real fighting. He will most likely have been bullied physically by older boys at school, and as a consequence, feels the need to exact violence on as many people as possible. He is liable to outbursts of uncontrolled aggression, so make sure he has no access to weapons (he won't attack otherwise).

4. Neo Cons are unusually smug and self-satisfied. Convinced of their own moral clarity, the Neo Con displays an air of superiority and is likely to dismiss counter arguments quickly. Have facts to counter his? It won't matter, as Neo Cons rely on a tautological loophole that justifies pretty much anything. An aid to the Bush White House once told a reporter,

"We're an empire now, and when we act, we create our own reality. And while you're studying that reality -- judiciously, as you will -- we'll act again, creating other new realities, which you can study too, and that's how things will sort out. We're history's actors . . . and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do."

Brilliant.

5. The Neo Con is a virulent proponent of 'Exceptionalism'- the belief that their country is morally superior to everyone else. If you are a foreigner and disagree with this assertion, do not expect him to take you seriously. He will not understand why you do not want to be an American, and will look to convince you by a massive display of military might and sneering arrogance. Neo Cons are likely to have access to people still in places of power, so be especially careful if your country is particularly small and defenseless. You may well be invaded.

To read the following 5, click here.

Ben Cohen is the Editor of TheDailyBanter.com

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