Ben Karlin Interviews Himself

As part of the promotion and publicity for my new book, Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me, I have been doing a lot of interviews--especially in what I like to call "the digital space."TM (That's mine.)

Sadly, few, if any interviewers have been asking me the questions I ask myself; the questions I want to know the answers to. So, in the interest of efficiency I have cut out the middleman, or rather the man, and conducted this interview with myself.

Ben (Interviewer): What the fuck?
Karlin (Interviewee): That's a great question. And thanks for asking it. I guess the idea for the book came to me in a dream.
Ben: A dream?
Karlin: Yeah...
Ben: You mean coke-fueled breakdown at some party where your desperate and hilarious attempts to convince some woman to have a threesome would later be widely distributed online? That kind of dream?
Karlin: I'll tell my grandchildren it was a dream.
Ben: Why a book? Why not another television show, or a gross-out buddy comedy with heart, or an internet venture--where the real money is?
Karlin: Studies show that 1,400 people in this country still read books. It's important that I impress them.
Ben: No offers?
Karlin: What?
Ben: Did no one want to work with you?
Karlin: No...there's a lot I could have done...
Ben: Like?
Karlin: I am not at liberty...
Ben: How convenient. I'm just saying, you come off two pretty hot shows and the next place you turn up is pumping a book--that you didn't even write.
Karlin: Yeah... because it's an anthology.
Ben: I smell a pitch coming. Okay, hit me with it. Who's in it? Anyone good? Anyone I know? Billy Crystal? Tim Allen? Cosby?
Karlin: Okay, you don't know any of those people. It's mainly people from a pretty familiar and connected comedy world--Andy Richter, Bob Odenkirk, Stephen Colbert, Will Forte, Patton Oswalt. Also funny writers--AJ Jacobs, Neal Pollack, Sam Lipsyte. Nick Hornby wrote the introduction.
Ben: Hornby? I love that guy. He sang that Mandolin Rain song, right?
Karlin: That's Bruce Hornsby.
Ben: Right. Right. Talented musician. What the hell is Bob Kerrey doing in there?
Karlin: He was always one of the best political guests on The Daily Show, so I asked him to write a piece. I originally thought there would be a few more politicians, but the only other two I had good contacts with were Barack Obama and John McCain...and they got sort of busy.
Ben: Doing what?
Karlin: Uh...running for President.
Ben: No shit? Black dude?
Karlin: Yeah, where have you been?
Ben: I don't pay attention to that crap anymore. What's the craziest thing that ever happened backstage at The Daily Show?
Karlin: One time Christopher Hitchens....
Ben: I know that story. Boring. He does that everywhere.
Karlin: But with the cigar cutter and the velvet Last Supper painting...
Ben: Yup. You'll have to do better than that.
Karlin: It's actually a pretty normal place.
Ben: You're losing me--and I'm you. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Christ, you're boring. You ever been arrested?
Karlin: Once. In college. Fake ID.
Ben: Original.
Karlin: It was at a Milwaukee Brewers game, in the parking lot. We were tailgating...at a Brewers game. The irony was lost on the police.
Ben: The police in Milwaukee don't have enough troubles. Now they have to worry about irony?
Karlin: Well the name of the team is the Brewers. Don't you think it's funny that I got arrested for drinking beer at a stadium where a team named after the beer-making process plays?
Ben: No. But wasn't George Carlin arrested at Summerfest in Milwaukee in 1972 for doing his famous "Seven Words" bit on stage? Seems like getting arrested in Milwaukee can be pretty good for a comedy career. That, or having your last name be Carlin.
Karlin: Or Karlin.
Ben: Less so.
Karlin: Anyone ever tell you you can be an asshole sometimes?
Ben: I think you know the answer to that. Okay, I've got what I need. The book is Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me and it is available everywhere...though this interviewer is withholding his recommendation.
Karlin: Dick.

The complete transcript of The Ben Karlin Self-Interview is 36-years long and is available for download.