03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

New Moon Hits New Low In Boredom

They say New Moon, the second movie in the Twilight series, is a single-day box office champion, knocking Batman off his perch. Most money ever made in a single day by any film. Ever. Which is weird, because New Moon isn't just one of the dullest movies ever made. It's one of the dullest things on earth.

Duller than Joe Lieberman doing comedy. Duller than ... actually that's the dullest thing I could think of.

Here's what happens in New Moon. Three teenagers spend nearly two hours frowning and moping and not screwing. Also, there's a tremendous amount of male shirt removal. More young, ripped guys with six packs appear in New Moon than most gay porn movies...or so I'm told.

In this story, Bella (Kristen Stewart, who showed in Adventureland she has actual range) still loves Edward (Robert Pattinson, who you may have seen on the covers of People, Teen Beat and Soldier of Fortune) but he can't be with her because ... oh, sorry, I missed this part of the movie because the women behind me in the theater -- not teenagers mind you, but grown women with actual jobs -- moaned with despair when Bella and Edward either did or did not kiss. I can't remember because I was yawning.

Anyway, feeling that he can't protect Bella if he's in her life, Edward Cullen -- of the Vampire Cullens -- flees town and then leaves his family to contemplate a life without Bella. Meanwhile, Bella falls into an inconsolable funk. She's so sad she frowns 3% more than she did before Edward left.

Finally, Bella begins to emerge from months of misery by spending time with her pal, Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Jacob loves Bella. Bella only loves Jacob "as a friend," three horrific words that every man who was once 17 heard far too often ("What do you have to say to me now, Stacy AuCoin? Oh, you're happily married with two children and never gave me a second thought? Well never mind then.")

It's at this point in the film the shirts really begin to fly off the backs. It turns out Jacob changes into a wolf whenever he gets mad, so for convenience, he and his boy/wolf pals walk around in cut-off jeans and no shirts. They all look as if they've spent months working out with Barry Bonds' trainer.

Bella has to choose. Edward or Jacob? It gives her more reason to brood. Edward thinks Bella is dead, so he sets out to kill himself, no easy task for a vampire. Bella chooses Edward and races around the world to save him. In the process, she almost kisses Jacob, causing another flurry of disconsolate gasps from the women in the theater.

In the end, Edward and Jacob have a handsome stare down before Jacob -- as a wolf -- pouts off frowning. Then Edward and Bella don't have sex some more and the movie ends, setting up the third installment, due out this summer.

Ultimately, the Twilight series may do for young women what nearly every other film series does for boys and young men. Sure, New Moon is brutally dull. But is it duller than Transformers 2? Duller than Terminator Salvation? Actually, yes it is, but only marginally. It just swaps explosions for ennui. And if Transformers 2 can take in $833 million worldwide, then why not New Moon? Just understand it's only marginally less tedious than catching Joe Lieberman's set at the Chuckle Hut.

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