Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Ben Ritz Headshot

Corporate Rights Group Celebrates Realizing MLK's Dream Themselves

Posted: Updated:

The Corporate Rights Advancement Project (C.R.A.P.) is celebrating this Martin Luther King's Day with service projects to honor the equal rights that all people, including corporations, have achieved.

"This year, we're proud to celebrate Dr. King's dream being realized," said a spokesman for Branson-Slessinger Incorporated, a small office supplies chain who is the president of C.R.A.P. "Thanks to the Supreme Court bravely defending corporate rights in Citizens United, people in America today are not judged by the existence of their skin, but by the content of their character."

B.S. Incorporated has encouraged C.R.A.P. members to give back to the community this weekend with unusually low prices, two-for-one bargains, and free trinkets with every purchase over $40. These are all real C.R.A.P. ways of honoring Dr. King's legacy, it says.

But despite legally being entitled to the same rights as non-corporate Americans, corporations have become subject to increasing backlash by bigoted demonstrators opposing equal treatment under the law. Occupy Wall Street is one such movement, having been born of hatred and prejudice against corporations. Some of these extremist protestors have even gone so far as to call for a constitutional amendment denying corporations their status as human beings.

For all of the progress made over the last couple years, the corporate equality movement still has a ways to go. Despite now having unlimited free speech rights and influence in elections, discriminatory laws bar corporate citizens from voting or holding public office themselves. Additionally, they are subject to a "separate but equal" tax rate and their marriages are subject to government scrutiny before they are approved.

"While I know things aren't perfect yet, I'm optimistic," says B.S. Inc. "If we elect Mitt Romney as president in 2012, he will definitely enact social and economic polices that are supported by C.R.A.P. Then we'll finally have a president who, unlike the incumbent, will truly appreciate the progressive society that Martin Luther King Jr. fought for."

Like this article? Share it on Facebook or Twitter and check out WashingtonWit for more satirical news!