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Obama Could Seek Advice From Kerry, Gore About How to Lose to Unqualified Texan

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RICK PERRY
AP

Tired and frustrated after spending so much time dealing with a bitterly divided Congress that needlessly created self-inflicted wounds to the U.S. economy, President Obama has begun to privately weigh the personal benefits of losing the 2012 presidential election. However, as the Republican field takes form, he is increasingly concerned that the number of weak candidates could force him to remain in the nation's worst job whether he wants to or not.

One of the more difficult challenges for Obama would be losing to Texas Governor Rick Perry, who is currently considered co-frontrunner for the nomination. With a slew of controversial remarks -- including statements about the unconstitutionality of Medicare and Social Security, as well as a proposal for seceding his state from the country he seeks to lead -- a Perry nomination would all but guarantee that the President will be stuck dealing with the 534 most difficult people in America for another four years.

Realizing that even with a dismal sub-forty-percent approval rating, he is still favored to win re-election, President Obama has decided to consult Senator John Kerry and former Vice President Al Gore, the two men who know more than anyone else about losing presidential elections to unqualified Texas governors.

"It's all about doing everything you can to show the American people you know nothing about what they're dealing with," says former president-elect Al Gore. "If the President talks about jobs while his opponents talk about tax cuts, that will make him look sensible. He needs to start talking more about why his opponents are weirdos or crazy people if he is seriously considering losing this thing."

"I think his problem is he's too consistent," said Mr. Kerry. As an example, Kerry cited the president's Afghanistan policy. "He is doing exactly what he said he would do when he ran for president: focusing more troops fighting al Qaeda in the place they actually attacked us from. It's ridiculous to do the same thing you said you would four years ago if you want to lose that job. Instead he should bow to his critics on the left and withdraw immediately."

"Not really looking like you want the job and failing to communicate why your opponent is dangerously incompetent are also tried-and-true techniques," added Gore. "He's off to a good start there, no question."

To keep his options open if he decides he wants another term but ends up competing against the most threatening of the GOP contenders, President Obama has begun consulting members of Bush's 2004 re-election campaign as well. When a reporter asked one of the courted staffers why the Obama campaign was interested, he replied he and his team "have extensive experience working for an incumbent with terrible approval ratings while campaigning against a flip-flopper from Massachusetts."

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