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Dear iPhone... Breaking Up Is Tough

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Dear iPhone,

I think we both know things haven't been great for a while now. I haven't tried to disguise the fact that I've been getting frustrated with things you do; I just don't think you have ever given me many options, whether it's ringtones, settings or anything, to be honest. I have a mind of my own and you just don't let me be myself.

I REALLY don't like the way you try to guess what I'm thinking when I write texts. To be honest, sometimes the things you think I'm trying to say are just so far off I don't really feel like we're on the same wavelength at all.

You often cut me off when I'm in a conversation with my friends which really gets on my nerves, or don't let them hear what I'm saying.

Even my first phone, Sagem, when I was 17, let me speak to my friends as often and as long as I wanted, it's crazy, now I'm 30, that it's such an issue. I'm probably being paranoid but sometimes I feel like you don't really want me to talk to anyone else but you.

You've tried to get better, I realize, with Siri and other things but I'm afraid it's just too late. Of course, it's not just you; it's also my fault for giving you too much to deal with at the same time.

I probably bogged you down by taking up so much memory with music, so that you barely had any space left every time I synced you, but I've told you SO many times how much I love my music and how important it is to me. I shouldn't have got so cross when your apps kept crashing. I realize it might be Spotify's fault sometimes, but it also happens with Worms and IMDB as well sometimes, doesn't it?

And it's just been very hard work having to charge you every single night. To be honest I think you should get that looked at. It was fine at first, it just seemed normal, but as time's gone on it seems like you just need too much. And there have been too many times where I needed you badly and you just lay there lifelessly, not even giving me a quick text.

I didn't want this to get angry and bitter, but I think it's just partly because you are so bloody smug, when I know you have a lot of problems deep down. I just can't believe how jumped-up you can be sometimes, and don't admit any of your faults.

I don't think I could hear the phrase 'Apples are just better' one more time, as if you're so superior to everyone else. To be honest, I think it's all a bit of an act and beneath it all you're just quite dull -- there I said it.

You insist everyone worships you, as if there's something wrong with someone if they don't, and then get incredibly aggressive and patronising if anyone dares to criticise you. I'm sorry to say this but I think you get that from your dad - I hate to sound cruel but since Steve passed away I don't think you've ever really recovered.

I know your friends all idolize you, but I've never liked them or felt comfortable around them. For a while I thought I was one of you, but I realise now I was just living a bit of a lie, putting up with this really smug obnoxious routine you all seem to have going on. But I can't any more. And I'll say it now, your friend iPad, is just unbearably arrogant, I can't believe you don't see it.

I've got to tell you the truth, I've hooked up with something else, last week. I didn't even realize I was eligible for an upgrade, it just happened. It's called Galaxy. I can't lie, I just find it more attractive and exciting, and it lets me do things I never could with you. It feels great to be getting a fresh start after all this time and I'm really excited about the possibilities.

I'm not saying I don't want you in my life at all. I just see you as more of an iPod now, or if you can still cope with doing Wifi every now and then in the future, an iPod Touch. This has been one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

We have had some wonderful times together I know and I don't want you to think that I wasn't enjoying it. It's just reached that point with me and I hope you understand that.

I think the best thing now is for me to take my SIM card and just move over to Galaxy. If it makes any difference, I promise I haven't called or even texted with Galaxy yet, but I have done some stuff with it; just little things like setting the right time, changing the font and colors (sorry, I know that was a sensitive point, and that I always wanted to do that and you wouldn't. It just proves my point, that some phones will do that).

I'm sorry I'm writing like this, I wanted to say it all to you the other day but I knew that if I put it in a text it wouldn't come out right. At all.

Ben xx

P.S. I know it's a bit soon, but the holiday we had booked for next week... I was wondering if you still wanted to come along, just as an iPod of course? You were always wonderful to have on long journeys and to kick back with on the beach; I think they're the times I'll miss the most.